Stages of acceptance

665 Views 7 Replies 7 Participants Last post by Mama Bee, Jul 5, 2004

redhookmom

Discussion Starter · Jun 23, 2004

I have been reading many posts and I see BTDT parents say well that is the first, second, third stage you go through when you are becoming aware and dealing with a child with special needs.

So, I gather the first is denial. Then maybe a frenzy for a diagnosis. What next? I want to understand what I am going through. TIA

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alternamommy

· #2 · Jun 23, 2004

Grief. Grief was next for me, even more so than denial. I mourned the children I would never have, mourned for my daughter whose reproductive life will be scheduled around her meds. Mourned because she'll need meds completely contraindicated for BF. Grieved for the loss of the 'perfect kids' I wanted and didn't get.

It took me a while to admit I *needed* to grieve but once I fully honored that emotion it was over rather quickly.

HTH!

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indiegirl

· #3 · Jun 23, 2004

I second the grief stage...

Then there is the "did I do this to her" and the worry about the rest of her life...what will my hearing impared daughter do if she can't hear a fire alarm? Will kids make fun of her? How will she fit in to the hearing world and deaf culture--or will both shun her?

I also have anger that my worries were not addressed sooner.

I am doing well most of the time, but from time to time I digress into a stage I thought I had worked out of.

Jesse

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khrisday

· #4 · Jun 23, 2004

http://fibrofighter.tripod.com/17stages.htm
http://mt.essortment.com/stagesofgri_rvkg.htm

1.denial
2.anger
3.fear or bargaining
4.grief or depression
5.acceptance

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snuggly mama

· #5 · Jun 24, 2004

I'm not sure that the "stages" are always the same for everyone, nor do they last any specified amount of time. For those of us who have a child with chronic or lifelong issues, the stages may cycle through many, many times depending on how your child is doing at any given moment. And I've also come to believe that denial is often a positive thing, though we are frequently led to think we should "get out of denial" as soon as possible. Denial offers your mind a chance to regroup before absorbing difficult news. Provided that you move through the initial denial and work to help your child, I think it's ok to cut ourselves a bit of slack sometimes!

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khrisday

· #6 · Jun 24, 2004

snuggly mama is correct- the stages don't necessarily go in a spceific order (although they are listed that way in the articles I posted), you can skip around and you will probably go back and forth many times. I don't know if you ever really stop. Denial is definately an important thing- it keeps you going when nothing else can.

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emmasayshi

· #7 · Jun 26, 2004

I want to say something about this stages thing. It's true we go through stages and they feel pretty terrible all of them. But don't get stuck thinking that acceptance is the same thing as giving up because it isn't. All of the other stages even bargaining are very weak and make you feel like you are lost and can't move or do anything. But acceptance means you get it that you can do a lot to make it better for your babe. Like my babes both have autism and it wasn't until I accepted it that I started looking for good therapies. That's when I found out about gfcf and b6 and vitamin therapy which have saved my children from a lost and silent life. Acceptance means you can move you are strong and you can fight for your babe. It is where you want to get to so that you can live and so can your child. So cry and feel terrible and then get strong and then stand up for your child.

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Mama Bee

· #8 · Jul 5, 2004

I don't really see them as stages... to me, it's more fluid. I mean, I can move in and out and around any and all of the stages on any given day- h*ll, at any given moment. I think most days, now, are filled with acceptance but I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that I still feel anger and guilt and grief and OMG... FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR!! Life goes on, no doubt and life gets easier, no doubt but (I hate to quote the poem but it's true!!) life will never, ever be the same. I will never, ever be the same. My heart will never, ever be the same. There isn't a day that passes that my heart isn't broken again by certain facts of his condition. (originally listed several specific things that I tend to obsess over but don't want to hyjack the thread... should post my own thread!

).

.... I'm digressing and I'm sorry, I just don't think it's as clear cut as specific stages that one progresses through at specific intervals. I believe that I have reached the acceptance stage but that, again, it's in flux. Underneath that acceptance is and IMO will always be, denial, fear, greif, and anger. I don't think those things will ever, ever go away.

Mama, it's hard! Having a child with SN is HARD!!! All of these new emotions, these new considerations, dealing with these new thoughts is HARD. You do the best you can each day and then wake up to a new one and do it all over again. You fight with every ounce of your being for what's right and best for your child. And then you cry because it will never be enough.

I don't know you but I would imagine that we've all been in some version of where you're standing. Some might say *it* will get easier but I think *it* just changes... every day is a new challange, every day has a new blessing. You laugh, you cry, and you LOVE and then you LOVE a little bit more.

Great big

, Mama! I sense there's a lot of emotion behind your question. You've come to the right place. We're here for you.

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