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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had a really long thread typed out and just can't find a way to be comfortable with the amount of information I feel I need to give to make it make sense. Basically, I need to find the wording and other advice to break up with a mentally ill person (borderline personality disorder, depression and more) that I need to keep a good relationship with. He does NOT want to end it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Mama. I have never been in that situation before so I don't have much advice to offer. The only thing I can say is given what little I do know through your posts, moving might be a really great way to instill the concept of " I'm done and I mean it, we're over". IIRC, your dad lives in that area so I know switching cities might not be an option, but could you change residences, perhaps hook up with someone on co-abode? That would be a good option as your DH would not be able to insert himself in that house because it is a single mama situation only WITH a roommate and not just you and the kids by yourself. I think some counseling for you to help you stay strong would be good too. Could you maybe visit a women's shelter and see if you can get free counseling through them? You may qualify given that you are living with someone who is SMI. Good luck, I hope you find some good options and good advice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I probably should have went with my initial post because there's a lot of stuff going on.<br><br>
DH's going to Idaho ahead of us, we'll follow in a month. He won't cooperate if I broke it off now (fall into a bad depression). I have to go to Idaho, I can't afford it here. My dad is staying here, in the nursing home, with my sister hopefully doing a decent job watching over him. DH thinks we'll be separated just to give us some time apart so we can work on us without being in the same house driving each other nuts. Reality will be different...but I need to play this stupid game until he's got support and I can take it carefully with him. I can't just call him up and tell him to screw off, I'm going to have to deal with crying and pleading and guilt trips and I am not looking forward to it. He's already freaked out enough that I want to send him ahead of us, but I've been very positive that we are not going to abandon him after he gets there, and that I will definitely be following in a few weeks. The insecurity is making me nuts, I've never given him a reason to feel like I don't love him, it's actually been him that left for Utah in August, but came back after 9 days, and I welcomed him back (not in my heart, but appearances showed otherwise).....blah blah blah, I think that's about the important details.
 

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In short, I've managed by deciding he's no longer my responsibility and disengaging as much as possible from him. I know that's a tough answer, and it took me a long time to get there, but that's what I have to do.<br><br>
I hope you find a path that works for you, I'm really sorry.
 

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Sounds like you have really thought things through and have a plan. However, you don't ever know what his reaction will be when you do go through with things. Your safety and your DCs safety are your highest concerns, so do whatever you have to for protection.<br>
I'd seek some professional advice.... Maybe you'll learn some phrases and techniques to use in your particular situation.<br>
The bottom line is that it is very difficult to rationalize with irrational people.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">In short, I've managed by deciding he's no longer my responsibility and disengaging as much as possible from him. I know that's a tough answer, and it took me a long time to get there, but that's what I have to do.<br><br>
I hope you find a path that works for you, I'm really sorry.</div>
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That is exactly what I had to do also. My personality dictates that I take care of people and it was really hard to let go because I knew what would happen to him. Now he lives with his parents and they pick up the pieces. I just couldn't do it anymore.<br><br>
As far as finding the right words, I still don't know what they are. I just babbled and blurted randomness and turned around and left. I knew that no matter what I said I would get the same thing, the guilting, pleading, blaming and he would not let me go. So I just had to cut him off.<br><br>
I wish the best for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Please consider contacting a domestic violence shelter for advice, just in case. Hopefully things will be fine, but it COULD get ugly since he doesn't want to end it. Have bags packed at someone else's house (friend, neighbor, etc.) in case you and the kids have to leave in a hurry.
 

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PS. It sounds like you're still thinking more about him than yourself. You have to change that mentality! (I know it's hard.)<br><br>
I know you can't afford to stay where you are.......but do you have to move to Idaho? Are there other states you could go to with a lower cost of living than where you are now?<br><br>
Some PHYSICAL DISTANCE from him would do you a world of good.
 

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The thing that strikes me when I read your posts about your relationship with stbx is the dishonesty. I can appreciate why you feel the need to hide things from him. But, I can also understand why this might f**k with his mind a little bit. If you want to leave him, just do it. Don't promise him you'll meet him in another city when you have no real plans to do so. I don't see how this is helping to preserve his mental health.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
The dishonest thing is brand new, I swear. I don't know what else to do. I've always, always been honest to the point it causing problems <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> We are moving to the same town though, at least to start, for financial reasons...but I can always move from there.<br><br>
I am thinking more about him then me...I don't worry about him hurting us, I worry about him hurting himself...if I can prevent that by manipulating the situation enough, maybe so that he feels it's his idea....I don't know....I haven't gotten that far yet, that's why I posted here. We do need to go to Idaho, at least to start. This is the start of a long process that I want to make as painless as possible <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I am strong enough to get through this, but I don't know about him.<br><br><br>
I will make an exit plan though. I have a good friend who'll "rescue" us if needed and will have bags packed.
 

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My friend is going through something very similar.<br><br>
The mood swings, manipulation of children and both families with lies, ability to hear you say one thing and think you said another seem EXHAUSTING.<br><br>
The biggest thing is separating your responsibility for his well being/feelings. That is part of breaking up. It sucks but you can't effectively create a safe place for you/your children emotionally until you are not playing into his issues (with the payoff of helping him being you feeling less guilt or responsibility for his actions).<br><br>
Be strong Mama.
 

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In a situation like this, dishonesty is a self-preservation mechanism. BTDT.<br><br>
I, too, am honest to a fault but found myself lying out my a$$ just to keep the peace and temporarily settle the dysfunction. I was on the phone with my ex one night and after he hung up he went to his workplace and tried to kill himself. I called his parents in time and they stopped him. After that I was so afraid of what he might do that I fell into this completely insane mode of trying to get away from him while not rocking the boat. IME, it doesn't work.<br><br>
I don't know your exact experience, but it sounds similar to mine and all I can do is tell you what my experience was. In retrospect, I wish that I had understood that I was responsible for my kids, not for him or his actions. I know that when you're dealing with someone who is mentally ill you don't want to throw them off the deep end, but, at the risk of sounding heartless, sometimes you have to think of yourself and your kids first. There is no guilt or shame in that. Just because he is unhealthy doesn't mean that you have to be too.
 

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My XH was a borderline for a long time, and it took a major break from reality for me to realize it. Along with his hospitalization. I would strongly suggest counseling for you. It is the only way I was able to emotionally leave this person, and move on with my life. I had the worst life with him, after my son was born in 2004. It was hell. But, I left and moved on with my life. I tried to help him so many times, but I finally just let go. It was hard but his selfish and manipulative ways have continued without me. He is no longer my problem. He is also no longer in my son's life.<br><br>
Did that make sense?
 

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just hugs amy. i'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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when i broke from my ex he threatened me and i had to get cops involved which really helped with the break.<br>
not ideal but it got it over with.<br>
he ended up being forced into therapy and diagnosed as schizophrenic. i had been living with him decending into that and thought it was all my fault.<br>
crap situation any way you see it.<br><br>
good luck with your breaking free.
 

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If you know that he has a diagnosis as having Borderline Personality Disorder I would say be careful. Borderlines have very very hard times dealing with rejection and cannot usually follow civil rules of engagement and often cannot let go of people with out problems. I would consider getting professionals involved to help you break up with him. They could help him through it.<br>
I had to leave town w/ the kids and have the sheriff's office serve a restraining order on my ex. We renewed it for two years. I don't know what your STBX's behavior is like but if he has a serious mental illness it is likely that he won't behave like you'd expect a grown up to.<br>
It is sad, we (kids and I) loved him a lot but he would not get any help and his illness almost took us all down with him, my mental health was failing and my oldest was constantly fighting with him and my ex started hurting him. I realized it was better to be homeless than to spend another day with him.<br>
I miss parts of his presence but a few years down the line I realize I saved myself and more importantly I saved my kids.<br>
Mental illness is so sad....<br>
Take care of yourself and your baby (ies?)<br>
If you need any advise on legal stuff like custody or orders for protection feel free to PM me
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
My ex was abusive, so I've been down the "protect myself" route before <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> But I do think we are safe. I've seen him very low, and he attacks himself, not others (self cutting, suicidal thoughts). I <i>will</i> be very careful. Unfortunately, going to Idaho, we'll lose insurance, at least for a while, hopefully Idaho decides like Oregon that he's disabled and qualifies for medicaid.<br><br>
I know with BPD the chance of him "turning" on us. I've never seen him do this, and his family really betrayed us, and he's careful with them but not angry in a bad way...I am much more upset with them then he is. I often have wondered if he really has it, if it's not all just bipolar (no diagnosis - strong suspicion). In any case, he's got enough mental health issues that I can't be with him anymore so it's worth being cautious. The more of your posts I read, the more I am working on a strategy, starting with the separation we already are doing. Maybe he'll meet someone else during this time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> And get therepy and help so he can make them happy.
 

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Well mine was bipolar w/ schitzotypal (sp?)PD, he actually had an affair with a BPD and she stalked him for 2 years. She started to bother me and the kids and I got the police involved immediately and it worked to get her to leave us alone.<br>
You must have a strategy and plan for the best and worst case scenarios.<br>
My ex stole all of our important paperwork as the sheriff was removing him. He also came back and took the cars leaving us with out transportation. Hey he was crazy so he did crazy stuff. He didn't beyond that go against the restraining order, so we were lucky that way. However, he has never even tried to set up any visitation. He also has no parental rights, that can be an issue so look into that. Are you sure going to Idaho is the right thing? Do you have family or some other support that you can count on anywhere else or in Idaho if you go there?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I forgot to mention I do have 4 kids - DD13, DS11 (both from previous marriage), DS4 and DS2 (both from this marriage).<br><br>
Idaho is not ideal. But, my family isn't supportive of me even though I live across town from one and close to a couple more, so that doesn't matter. No friends. Idaho is SO MUCH CHEAPER to live...I've been looking for a place here for a solid year and cannot find anything, even a run down piece of junk trailer, we would be homeless - and ya know, I've been homeless, so I am qualified to say I'd rather not do that again! ...his family is where we are going, we met there and lived for a couple years. I don't plan on staying in that town long, just long enough to get over there and find another place in another town. Also, in Idaho, divorce is *so* easy (and cheap)...in Oregon there's waiting periods and stupid classes and hoops and fees.<br><br>
I think he'll want to be a part of the kid's lives. I will not get child support unless he gets enough therapy and/or medication to make it so he can work - or enough medical history so social security can look and see he really is disabled (been down that road 3 times now). But I resigned myself a couple years ago that I would be the main or only support our family has so I'm ok with it, I'm just not making enough yet to support us well, anywhere I want. I really just want him healthy for him, and so we don't have the heartache. I miss the man I married, but I don't think he was ever the man I thought he was. I was madly in love with him, but now, it's not there. I love him, but its like a brother type love. Sigh <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
He left for Idaho <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">: I am a little sad, mostly at the loss of what could have been, but I'll get over it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> I get a whole month of only having to deal with him by phone! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:<br><br>
I realized the other night that I do see the BorderlinePD. He's always had issues with my oldest son and it occurred to me (duh!) that his inability to unconditionally love one kid but adores the rest, is definitely a key in that. Duh, duh, duh. DS having to ask for a hug this morning when he left, while the others freely got hugs, made me so freaking angry it was all I could do not to throw him through the door. I had to keep acting like the loving wife or he never would have left, and that pissed me off too.<br><br>
But now, we don't have to deal with his bullshit for a month, and I'm just <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">: over that!
 
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