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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm a new stepmother. 6 years younger than my partner.

His 4 1/2 year-old daughter seems confused about what their relationship (her and her dad) will be when she's older. She says when she grows up she will be her "daddy's girlfriend". She says often that they will "kiss and get married" someday.

Is this normal??

It seems like, yes, it is normal for a young girl to have loving feelings toward her father. And maybe if I wasn't in my position, I would find it only endearing.

I love this child very much and I hate it when I feel anything less toward her than what I feel I should - love like I am a parent... because I am a parent to her, just not a biological one.

I spend so much time worrying about when or if I'm stepping over the line, and it occurred to me recently that I do not want her to feel like I'm less affectionate toward her than I would be toward a future child of my own.

I am so caught in indecision around her all the time. It's exhausting... But I just want to be the best wife to my partner and role model for her - because she has a very hard time with all of this already.

Any advice and insight would be great.
 

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I think it's pretty normal. I have heard the same from my kids and my dd says she is going to marry her brother one day because she only really knows him and how could she live with someone she doesn't know! She's the same age. She also occasionally tells me she's going to marry her best friend (also a girl).
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think it's pretty normal. I have heard the same from my kids and my dd says she is going to marry her brother one day because she only really knows him and how could she live with someone she doesn't know! She's the same age. She also occasionally tells me she's going to marry her best friend (also a girl).
That's comforting to hear. And I think I know I should take it with a grain of salt.

I think what's making me hesitate is that she's incredibly smart and understands the situation pretty keenly. Her and I went through a tough period for a number of months where she always saw me as a threat to her attention with her dad... no matter what steps I took to try to make her feel differently.

I hate it when I take things personally! She's a small kid.
 

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Awwhh. That takes me back. My DS used to say he was gonna marry me. I explained that he wasn't gonna over and over. I forgot all about that. I miss it now. You will too. It goes so quick.
 

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Normal-my kids have both said that at some point. My son especially would say he was going to marry his sister, for the same reasons as SS-it's all they can imagine!

In your situation, it sounds like there is a little bit of a feeling of competition with you as well, but it doesn't sound unhealthy or abnormal. I'd probably just smile and tell her it's nice she and her daddy love each other so much and always will, or something similar. Make sure she's getting plenty of one-on-one with dad-you don't mention if she live with you guys full or part-time, but especially if she has limited time with dad already, make sure a decent chunk of that is just the two of them, as well as time with all of you.

As far as the rest-my best advice is to not worry about comparing your relationship with your partner's daughter versus your future children. It will be different-that is normal. But use this present time to build a great relationship with your dsd by being there for her without forcing the stepmother thing. Do what feels natural for both of you.
 

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Yes this is totally normal behaviur for this age.
My mum just told me recently that I used to say that I want to marry my dad when I was around 4 or 5.
It is really nothing to worry about you could just explain to her why this is not going to be possible but how they will have a great father-daughter relationship together.
 
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