still avoiding people

Brooke,
When I read your post I thought I could've wrote the first part. I also feel this panic, like I want to hide or run away as fast as I can when I see someone who knew I was pregnant but doesn't know what happened to Carrie. I was going into a convenience store a couple weeks ago when I realized I hadn't seen this neighbor (who is so sweet and nice) since August and I was freaking out. And it happens more than it should -- I find myself wondering how the heck I know all these people and why the heck don't they know yet? And each time I see someone, it brings all of my emotions back to the surface --sometimes I get away to cry, sometimes I can't get away fast enough or just don't care and start bawling right there. Dh says that eventually I won't have to keep telling people, that everyone will know but I don't know when that will be. I know you lost Quinn right around the same time we lost Carrie. Maybe since I am not re-playing the whole scene in my mind every 5 minutes like before (more like once or twice a day) it comes as more of a shock to have to talk about it and bring up all those emotions. I don't know. I don't have too many answers but I feel similar and I am so sorry you are going through this. :

brooke,
2 months after coral died we had to go back to work in our seasonal business. that was one of the worst things i dreaded doing. i felt like a spectacle- i don't know if i WAS a spectacle, but i felt like i had a spotlight on me and i wore a sign that said 'our baby died'. i had to be smiley and hold it together and deal with questions like 'how did the birth go?!'. ! it didn't happen alot- luckily when you live in a small town, word gets around, but there are always a scattered few who are out of the loops of word-of-mouth community news. thinking about it now, i don't know how i got through that summer!! i HAD to do it, our business would have failed if i couldn't or didn't, but somehow i got through it. there were babies everywhere! breastfeeding, cooing, crying, crawling on the floor- it seemed like a cosmicly cruel joke. one of our employees was pregnant too. ugggh! i could not get away from it, so i had to just turn cold and deal with it like what had happened never did. 'oh! what a wonderful baby!!' 'no, i don't mind, you can breastfeed him here' 'oh! 2 months old, what a cutie!' - and i meant all of it, but inside it was like a blender in my brain and heart. i wished away the entire summer, and when the season was over, it was such a relief. i could go back to grieving, where i had left off. somethings that helped me was 1)i projected into the future when it wouldn't be so raw feeling 2)i avoided alot of small talk, and when i had to have small talk, i turned the conversation quickly and directly to the person's life a or anything besides me, dh, etc. 3)i took a lot of 'breathers' in the restroom at work! taking deep breaths and focusing on something that has nothing to do with quinn will help you get through difficult public moments. it was hard, though, brooke. on the up side, having to work and be busy was a great distraction to all the heavy duty sadness.

and, i continue to avoid people! it wont be like that always, and recently dh and i have been doing more social things. i am just so wrapped up in my own world now that i am no good as a friend to anyone and i am at the point in my grieving that i am pretty angry, so i am afraid it will come out in conversation. it is astounding to me what a different person i have become. it isn't bad necessarily, but it is really amazing how losing her has changed me. i am trying to just become whoever it is i am now- letting things go that i used to hold onto, used to care about, relationships have ended, but somehhow it is no big deal to me anymore. there is a different life for me now. it doesn't have to suck, it can be however i choose to make it. and right now it is about grieving and living my life without coral a year later.

blah blah blah, no matter how i try, i always end up talking about ME, but i just wanted to share with you my similiar experience, and how it is for me now. i think we have to allow ourselves the time to just grieve and adjust and take it all in and acclimate and realize who we are as each month goes by. i may be avoiding people a year from now, who knows! i have given myself permission so to say to just do whatever i need to get through this. losing a baby is the worst, it is such a tragedy, such a loss, it is so life changing, and there came a point where i had to stop 'timing' myself in the grieving process. practically noone understands how it feels to lose a baby, so i figured, well, why am i bothering to worry how THEY think i should be doing? THEY have no idea! it's like living on a different planet.