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<p>deleted for personal and privacy reasons.</p>
 

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<p>It's hard not to have any closure. Things happened very suddenly for you, and all out of your control so everything is just up in the air. I hope I'm making sense. Just wanted to say that I do get what's going on in your head.</p>
 

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<p>I agree, it is very hard to not have closure.  </p>
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<p>I imagine that you may always (or for a long time) miss a part of him.  That is completely normal.  I think in my case my abuser only used his good side so he could function socially outside of our relationship, and to of course pull me in.  After that the good side of him showed only occasionally and just long enough to keep me hanging on for more, wishing the good side would get put back in control of the rest of his behaviors.  It didn't.  I wouldn't hold out much hope for him to change due to the classes next spring.  If he wanted to change, if he had any remorse or felt badly for all that he has done to you, HE would be <span style="text-decoration:underline;">seeking</span> help, not simply attending court ordered classes because he has to.</p>
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<p>Have you thought what you would do if your abusive partner responded to your letter in a way that you would like?  If he said he was sorry, truly meant it this time and that he had changed, what would you do?  Would you believe him or trust him to be sincerely telling you the truth this time just so he could pull you back in for more abuse?  How would you know the difference between him being sincere about wanting a healthy relationship with you this time or him simply wishing to continue things status quo?  Have you thought out the different possibilities of the different responses he might give you and how you would in turn respond to that?  </p>
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<p>You don't have to answer here, I just want you to think things through fully before you make a decision based on any response you may or may not get from him.</p>
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<p>Much love and support to you Val.  You've been through a lot lately and it's good to hear that you have had some time to heal while he was in jail.  No matter what, I hope you are able to continue to heal in peace. </p>
 

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<p>i'm glad to read the ways that this has been good for you.  if writing him a letter was helpful, it makes me wonder if journaling would also be a good way for you to work through your feelings.  maybe this is something you already do.  it's such a good way for me to "think out loud" . . . way better than talking, because there are some things i will not say out loud, but can write, that i didn't even know i was thinking/feeling.</p>
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<p>are you able to talk with someone from the batterer's program he will be attending?  it could be good to know what the program entails and what the likely outcome is, as well as any other information they have about keeping safe and healing yourself and your kids.</p>
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<p>have you been able to talk with anyone about his possible grooming behavior toward your dd?  or given it any more thought?  i think it's important to assess the likelihood of danger in that regard, if you are considering reconciling with him.  even if successfully completes his course in the spring and is able to change his behavior toward you, this is really concerning.</p>
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<p>how are other things going?  i can't remember if you decided to move to a different apartment or stay where you are.  is there any other form of support that you need?  :hug</p>
 

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<p>I understand how you feel in that you just want your family back together. This was the hardest part to deal with when I was debating whether to leave and divorce my STBX.</p>
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<p>I personally came to the realization that an abusive person has to want to change. Their behaviors go down to their core. I think all of us understand they are not bad all the time... but there are some behaviors and mindsets that are really difficult to change and a person has to <em>want</em> to change them for a program to work. I don't think most abusers really want to change so they are incapable of it. That is what I had to figure out before I could move on mentally.</p>
 
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