My baby turned 1 on March 17, and I just now am writing my birth story. It is pretty much the opposite of what I wanted, and I have had a hard time dealing with it.
I really just want to let it go and move on, but I'm being forced to deal with it all again because my midwife feels she did not get paid enough from my insurance. I'm going to post my story below, and maybe you can give me some feedback on what is right and wrong. I recognize that she deserves compenstaion for her job, and she provided excellent pre- and postnantal care. However, during the birth, she put me and my boy at risk. I labored for 30 hours after my water broke and she only checked my cervix three times during labor. Postpartum, she told me that "nothing about [my] labor was normal". Now, a year later, she is telling me I still owe her $2000. My opinion is that she has already recieved $2000 and because she acted irresponsibly during the labor, she should just let it go (plus, I am still paying off the $11,000 accrued during the emergency c-section that I ended up having) and in return, we won't file a complaint with the state board or file a medical malpractice suit.
Am I being too harsh? Should she still be paid? Let me know after you read my story (not quite as scary as the woman who labored for 5 DAYS after her water broke):
(It's a bit long!)
I woke up exhausted the Tuesday I went into labor. I was pretty close to the end of my pregnancy (just 9 more days!) and I was getting huge. I had an appointment with my midwife that morning, and I decided not to go to work that day because I was so tired. Throughout my pregnancy, I wasn't very good at taking it easy, resting, and eating right. I tried to eat well, but that child inside of me just demanded bread! Potatoes! Chips! Fries! Of course, I didn't resist too much. However, on this Tuesday I rested on my left side, took a nap, and just generally took it easy. My husband was not working that day, so I took advantage of that and made him help me finish the nursery. We sponge-painted stars around the room and got everything set up. I must have had a premonition.
We had very little food in the house, and Wednesday was grocery shopping day, so that night we had some sort of hodge-podge meal, and I didn't eat very well. We were watching a movie and I was lying on the couch. It was about 10:00 p.m. and I was getting ready for bed, but wanted to relax for a bit. Suddenly, I felt something "weird". Yeah, that's not a great description, but that is pretty much what went through my head: "Hmm. Something is weird." I stood up, and felt a trickling that turned into a gush. I raced into the kitchen where the floor is tiled and Jerry and I watched as the water pooled onto the floor. It just kept coming!
"Oh my God! My water just broke!" I said, stunned. Jerry just watched the floor, saying nothing and doing nothing. Suddenly, he was a whirlwind of action, as I had started crying. I started shaking and he was trying to calm me down, while I tried to convince him that it was okay, I was just so excited and couldn't believe this was happening. I guess that is how it is with your first child: you know you will go into labor, but when it happens, especially if it is very sudden, like it was for me (I didn't even feel Braxton-Hicks contractions), it is a huge shock!
We called our midwife, and she told me to try to get some sleep. Good luck! Jerry and I don't think well under pressure, and since we knew we would have lots of people in the house very soon, he decided to run to the store to get some food. I should add that the closest grocery store is about 15 minutes away. At this point in the story, you are probably telling me that I shouldn't let him go to the store, right? Well, I was a little distracted, so I agreed. In hindsight, I should have either gone with him or not have let him go. But at the time I thought he would be able to make a quick trip and get home soon to be with me.
Almost as soon as he left, the contractions started. I hadn't felt any Braxton-Hicks, so this was completely new to me. It scared me, mainly because they were coming very fast, and I couldn't seem to get past that initial adrenaline rush. I was still shaking from it, but I can be more stubborn than a horse, and I convinced Jerry that I was fine, allowing him to leave. I tried to watch "The Royal Tenanbaums", one of my favorite movies, one that normally relaxes me. It didn't work that night!
While Jerry was gone, I just moved through the house, trying to relax and calm myself and working through the contractions. When he finally returned, I had moved our birth ball into our bedroom and was sitting on it and leaning against the bed. I spent several hours there and finally at around 3:30 a.m. I decided that I needed my midwife, Christine, to come. I was so uncomfortable, and I was scared because I was only getting about 30 seconds between contractions, preventing me from resting at all.
Once Christine was there we discovered that I wasn't very far along, only about 4 cm dilated, and I still had a ways to go. This discouraged me because I was already tired from being pregnant in general and from not sleeping! I didn't move from the birth ball and tried to rest between contractions, but it was really difficult. I tried to lie down, but the contractions were so bad I immediately got back up. I was getting so tired, and I couldn't eat anything, although I was drinking a lot of water. I started to throw up and my ketones went up. Finally, I discovered that I could eat lunchmeat, and that stopped the vomiting and lowered my ketones.
My contractions started to slow down late morning, but I still couldn't rest. This was primarily because I was really worried about being able to give birth by 10:30 that evening, 24 hours after my water had broken. Christine told me that we didn't have to follow that timeline, but we were still on a clock. That did not reassure me. First, I was worried about being on a different timeline than 24 hours. Second, I didn't want to be on a clock at all. It was so much pressure! I was so worried about my little boy and if he would be okay! Christine monitored his heart rate frequently, and he seemed fine. This helped a little. The whole time I was laboring, I couldn't talk about how I was feeling, and I felt like Jerry wasn't there…he went to the store, he went to get breakfast, he needed to rest. He had expressed concerns about being able to help me during the delivery, but I don't have any family or friends that would be able to help me, so unfortunately, that task fell to him. There were three midwives there, and I wish one of them would have come to me and talked to me about what was going on, but no one did. I think I just needed to talk and get rid of some of my fears, but I couldn't express that.
I started to take some herbs around noon, and my contractions picked up and got stronger. External examination revealed that my crazy kid had his little hands jammed up by his head, so I labored for a while with my butt in the air, trying to massage his hands away from his head! By about 2 p.m. I thought I was getting close to transition! I cried and I was so excited that this was finally going to be over and I would get to meet my boy! However, for some reason, my contractions REALLY slowed down after that, to the tune of about one per half hour! That really scared me, but I was trying SO hard to be strong and I never talked about my fears. Deb, one of the other midwives, had finally gotten me to rest, and I slept for about an hour, but I was so scared that I wasn't having contractions that I couldn't sleep! Talk about counter-productive!
I went outside at around 4-5 p.m. and tried walking and had been trying nipple stimulation. Nothing was helping! Each time I took the herbs (I was only allowed to take them every half hour, but I kept trying to get Christine to give them to me more often to try to speed things up) my contractions got stronger and faster, but that would quickly die off. At around 6 p.m. Jerry and I went outside to walk, and I talked to him about going to the hospital and needing a c-section. Neither one of us really knew what to say or do, so we just decided to wait and see what happened. I was really discouraged, but I didn't want to say anything. I felt as if voicing my fears would make having to go to the hospital a reality, so I just did everything in my power to make my labor progress.
At around 10 p.m. I started to really freak out. I was so tired and I just started shaking and couldn't stop. I got in the shower to try to relax; I later took a bath and had oxygen. However, I think my body was just done! I was so tired from the lack of sleep and all the effort that I just couldn't do much more! At about 2 a.m. Thursday morning, I felt the urge to push. I pushed a couple of times, and then I didn't really feel like pushing anymore. Christine checked my cervix and found it to be at 8 centimeters. Finally, she said the words that, by this time, I was really ready to hear: "You may want to think about going to the hospital." Well, I knew I was done. I knew it long before this moment. I was just so tired. I couldn't keep going, I had exhausted all my reserves.
We went to the hospital, and en route, my baby turned and I started to experience back labor. Up until now, the contractions had been unpleasant and felt like a big squeeze, but now, they HURT. I was terrified. I didn't know why, suddenly, the contractions hurt SO much. I am also a bit afraid of hospitals, which is part of the reason I had wanted to have my baby at home, so I think the atmosphere had something to do with my terror. When I was examined by my ob-gyn (who was great and wonderful and so supportive, even though by all the "rules" I had majorly messed up by laboring well past 24 hours and possibly even by trying to have my baby at home), she determined that I needed a c-section-NOW. I was in complete agreement. I just wanted to get this thing OUT! Also, although my baby had been fine, he was no longer doing so well. He had just been in there too long and was also tired from all his efforts. It was critical that he was born as soon as possible!
At 5 a.m., Peter Braedan Middlemist was born via emergency Caesarian section. He had Apgar scores of 9 both times, and he was gorgeous! When he cried for the first time, I thought my heart would break with love. I couldn't believe he was finally here! I was exhausted but exhilarated. By the look of the circles under his eyes, he was just exhausted. However, because I didn't have an epidural until moments before his birth, the drugs never got into his system and when they brought him to me (several hours AFTER his birth, which I think is awful), he was still awake and ready to nurse! This may be because I was vehement about him NOT receiving sugar water, a pacifier, or formula, even at the urging of my horrible labor and delivery nurse who lectured me throughout my recovery about how dangerous home births are.
I have had a really hard time accepting the way my labor went. I cried for a long time, and I still tear up now. However, I have come to accept that things don't always go the way you hope. I know I made some mistakes, and I am certain that my midwife made many mistakes. In retrospect, I wish I had decided to give birth in a hospital because I may have had a larger chance to give birth vaginally. Although I labored for 30 hours naturally, because my son was born surgically I feel as though I failed. I feel as though I failed him and myself, as well. I have been told I shouldn't feel this way, that I had a "real" labor regardless of how he was born, and that the most important thing is that I have a healthy gorgeous little boy. I am SO grateful that my child is healthy and happy, and intellectually, I know that is the only thing that matters. But in my heart, I still grieve. I hope I can move past this, but I'm not sure I can. I have found myself wanting to get pregnant again, irrationally. Now is not a good time for that from any perspective! I must admit that I know where these feelings are coming from. It is a desire to try again, to try to have that natural birth that I so desire. It pains me to think that I may never experience that, makes me feel like less of a woman.
