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<p>last wed jan 12, oddly enough i was scheduled for a c section.  the day before I had a<br><br>
feeling something wasn't exactly right, but everyone kept telling me my baby was fine and i<br><br>
was just paranoid.  so I dismissed my feelings and decided they were probably right.  all<br><br>
night long i couldn't sleep i was doing everything and anything to try to get him to move.<br><br>
I thought i felt hiccups I don't know if i actually did,  I layed in bed banging my stomach<br><br>
reading signs of stillbirth on the Internet ect.  I would feel body parts and push and i<br><br>
guess he was just shifting from my pushing cause at the time i thought maybe it was slight<br><br>
movement.  I knew that babies sleep a lot before labor and since I was having strong<br><br>
contraction that is all he was doing.</p>
<p><br><br><br>
I leave for the hospital and told the babies dad I think he is dead.  He got mad at me for<br><br>
even saying anything like that.  Walk into the labor room and tell them I am worried<br><br>
something isnt right.  THey hook me up to the monitor and she said there thats your baby,<br><br>
stop worrying.  The heart rate was 128-133.  I felt so relieved.  She started to take my<br><br>
info, we were all joking and laughing I was back to being excited for the birth of my son.<br><br>
All the paperwork took an hour and the computer they use for the monitor is the same one<br><br>
they input info into.  She closed out the screen looked at my belly and then monitor.  <br><br>
Turned the sound back up grabbed the blood pressure cuff.  the heart rate was now 99-103.  <br><br>
She ran out of the room and grabbed the charge nurse.  She layed me down and put the<br><br>
monitor in a different spot of my stomach and she said well his heart rate is low as it<br><br>
was going back to 120-130.  She said she needed to call my Dr to get things moving.  I<br><br>
looked at her and said is he dead?  She said no why would you say that and then looked at<br><br>
other nurse and ran out of room for ultrasound machine.  By this time my dr another<br><br>
surgeon, anesthesiologists, lots of nurses were all in the room.  Ultrasound techs did the<br><br>
heart check where nothing came across the screen other than a grey line.  I knew then, she<br><br>
had tears in her eyes and the anesthesiologist tried to distract me asking me about my<br><br>
daughter.  I asked if he was dead what was going on and she said I am not a dr i cant tell<br><br>
you.  (she was the same tech I have seen for the past 2 years and always told me<br><br>
everything)  Dr comes over, she showed him the diaphragm which had some movement (i still<br><br>
am confused as to why) and his hearbeat or lack there of.  He turned around and shook his<br><br>
head and tears in his eyes and i said I knew it.  That is when I lost it, I was so mad the<br><br>
nurse had me thinking everything was fine for an hour.  I knew something was wrong,<br><br>
expressed it a million times.  I guess my anxiety and fears had made my pulse go up so<br><br>
high and she didnt realize that, I said I wanted general anesthesia I didnt want to think, feel or hear anything.  they wouldn't do<br><br>
that but did knock me out so I was out of it.  his dad was right next to me the entire<br><br>
time and when they finally dressed and cleaned the baby off, they brought him over to us.  <br><br>
All I saw was a little head, blue hat, wrapped in a blanket.  A precious little baby<br><br>
sleeping.  He almost passed out I screamed and cried.  I didn't want to see him, I failed<br><br>
him, my body failed him.  I was and am heartbroken.</p>
<p><br><br><br>
After surgery his dad and his parents went into the other room and held him.  I didn't<br><br>
want to see or hold him but finally agreed to see him after I saw a picture of him.  He<br><br>
was so precious, chubby 8 lbs. 8 oz. 21 inches long.  I stared at him through tears as his<br><br>
dad held him for me to see.  I wish I had held him now.  But at the time it was too hard.  <br><br>
We named him Gunnar James.  They say he died less than 24 hours before, no idea why.  Placenta was perfect cord everything seemed fine.  I denied the autopsy.</p>
<p><br><br>
What kills me is I was suppose to have a csection the week prior but his lungs were not fully mature.  If they had taken him then he would have had a chance a life, stuck in the nicu but still alive.</p>
<p><br><br>
Tomorrow I have to go to the funeral home.  I had no idea I would have to make<br><br>
arrangements for anything.  I was shocked 5 hours after birth I had people in my room<br><br>
asking what funeral home, if we were having a funeral, burial, etc.  I am horrible with<br><br>
death and never went to a funeral in my life.  We decided to cremate him and scatter the<br><br>
ashes in the ocean... A place for both of us to go in peace.</p>
 

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<p>I am so sorry. Nothing will make it better right now. I lost mine at 40 weeks but I cherish the photos I have of her. If you can, hold Gunnar before the cremation. Take pictures, undress him, hold him skin to skin, take a lock of hair, get footprints and handprints, You only have a few moments to make memories for a lifetime.</p>
<p>Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep can provide a photographer.</p>
<p>I will hold you and your family in my heart.</p>
<p>PM if you would like to talk to someone who has been there. (((HUGS)))</p>
<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif" style="width:16px;height:34px;"></span>  Gunnar James</p>
 

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<p>I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been.  I am so sorry.  Your story teared me up.  Hugs to you mama.</p>
 

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<p>I am so sorry for your loss.  There are no words to express the pain you feel.  Praying for your family at this time</p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>I am so, so sorry for your loss.  Please be gentle on yourself during this difficult time.  I wish you and your family much peace.</p>
 

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<p>i'm so so sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) <span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"></span> <span><img alt="bawling.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/bawling.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>I am so sorry, mama. <span><img alt="brokenheart.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/brokenheart.gif"></span></p>
<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"> Gunnar James</span></p>
 

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<img alt="candle.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"> I am so sorry mama. Rest peacefully Gunnar James <img alt="brokenheart.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/brokenheart.gif">
 

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<p>I am so sorry for you loss Mama : (</p>
 

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<p>I am so sorry mama<span><img alt="bawling.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="width:21px;height:16px;"></span></p>
 

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<p>Oh mama I am so, so sorry.  I too have been there... I hope you find some support on this board.  it helped me tremendously.  Peace, love, and healing to you and your family.</p>
 

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<p>Oh, Jenn, I am so very, very sorry for your loss of Gunnar.</p>
<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif" style="width:16px;height:34px;"></span> Gunnar James      You are in my thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I lost my son at 38 weeks; he died when I was in labor, probably shortly before we got to the hospital.</p>
<p>In our case, we know it was an umbilical cord accident.</p>
<p>I will echo namaste_mom's words - the few photos I have of my son (unfortunately I did not know about NILMDTS</p>
<p>until weeks later), the lock of hair I cut, and the short time I spent holding and touching him</p>
<p>are precious mementos and memories now.</p>
<p>I wish I had known back then that I could go to the funeral home and hold him again before he was cremated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The PAL message board was a huge source of support and comfort for me in the months afterwards.</p>
<p>May you also find that here.</p>
 

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<p>Oh mama. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gunnar. Words never seem to do it during times like these. I didn't see or hold my son in the hospital after I had him, I had the same reaction as you did. I felt really guilty about it for a long time afterward, but I do have pictures and I have come to realize that a lot of us have a similar reaction after our child is stillborn. You will be in my prayers mama.</p>
 

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<p>love to you mama and your sweet baby boy</p>
 

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<p>I am so so sorry for your tremendous loss. Please know i'm thinking of you and your little Gunnar.</p>
 

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<p>i am so sorry for your most difficult loss.</p>
 

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<p>Holding all of you in my heart and prayers. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.</p>
 

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<p>I'm so sorry. </p>
 
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