[ann_of_loxley]

Well - I wouldn't use the term 'stranger danger' when talking to my child - but you get the idea.

I am looking for childrens books - or a book at least - that I can read to him that talks about 'stranger danger'. You know - don't go with the man telling you he can show you some puppies or who offers you a chocolate or has a creepy white van

lol...

We all talk to strangers - the message I would like the book to give is what not to do in certain situations (what to do instead) and how its okay to not talk to anyone that makes us feel uncomfortable (which imo is a better way to say it than to just say 'don't talk to strangers'...because wait a mintue, mummy didn't know the man at the post office but she still talked to him)...if you get what I mean.

Is there a book like this? Have you read your children any such books - what would you recommend? Of course we talk about this stuff - but books are nice too and if it is something I can read to him over and over again with pictures - then it sticks better!

 

[MGBoutique]

Well, I am currently re-reading Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker in the hopes I can help to nurture my children's ability to listen to their instincts about people they don't know.

I have two picture books from the library right now. One *is* called Stranger Danger, by Peggy Pancella. It has clear photographs of children in various situations where they meet strangers. It does try to teach that not all strangers are bad, but basically it just says it's okay to meet strangers if you're with your parents, but if you are alone, then be very careful. It emphasizes that it is okay to say No to a grownup or to refuse to "help" a grownup. It talks about safety while walking, on the internet, at home alone, etc...and where to go to find help if you need it. The other book is called "Safety Around Strangers" by Lucia Raatma. This book is actually my less favorite of these two books-it really makes strangers scary and doesn't talk much, if any, about common sense while dealing with strangers. It's okay for my almost 8 year old, but I wouldn't use it with a younger child.

I've heard good things about the video you can get that John Walsh made, called the Strange Side or something like that, but I haven't seen it yet.

 

[kiwiva]

I don't have a book recommendation for your child. But I did want to second the recommendation of Protecting the Gift for you to read. I think it is a great book (as is The Gift of Fear) for how we think about these things. He talks about the stranger danger messages we give.

 

[mistymama]

I'll give another vote for you reading Protecting the Gift. Changed my entire outlook on "safety" and how to approach it with ds. That book just makes so much sense!!

I have not used a book with ds, just talked with him. Like he knows if he ever gets lost or seperated from me - he is supposed to find a woman, preferrably a mother with children and ask for her help. That is statistically the safest person for him to go to. I so clearly remember being taught to find a police officer - and Protecting the Gift explains why that is not such a good idea...

 

[WuWei]

I only have one child and he isn't out of my sight for more than a minute in public places before I seek out sight of him. I hang back so as to not obstruct his autonomy and I follow him around at Museums. In stores, he just stays close by naturally. And I wait and he explores when he needs to do so.

I am rather cautious in large open public places too. As it is more important to me that our son joyfully Trusts the world than has cautious Fears introduced to him. So, I have never conveyed any concept of stranger danger. I just ask our son to keep me in sight in case he needs me for anything. And 'Look for a mama, if he doesn't see me right away and ask her for help; that she will help him look for me'. He is an introvert, so he generally hangs back and watches until he is comfortable; and new places take many visits before he is exploring broadly.

We've had lengthy discussions about stranger danger and child abduction risks on the Always Unschooled list. I'm copying a post which I totally agree with:

>
> I wanted to mention instinct. When I was a kid I remember often being in situations that did> not feel "right" but being forced to be polite or be respectful, etc. Since I try to never do that> to my dd, she is much better about following her instincts. I think it goes hand in hand with> the discussion about not making our children reply to adults who ask impertinent questions.

> My dd has no problem walking away from situations that do not feel "right" to her. Therefore,> I feel that she is less vulnerable then kids who are constantly "taught" to respect adults, > follow orders, or be polite. I think allowing your child to listen to their own instincts is a far> greater protective advantage than explaining to them the potential dangers and exposing> them to fear. The biggest lesson for me in my unschooling journey is to understand that> decisions made out of fear are never my best decisions.>>>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Always.../message/12531

According to the FBI's statistics of abducting children in America, strangers kidnap about 300 children every year. http://www.safeguard-1.com/MISSING_CHILD_STATS.html

That is 300 children of 72,000,000 children in the US. The risk is much less than death by MVA. These are not homeschooled children out and about, with their parents present. I'd rather focus on the 99.99959% probability that we can TRUST strangers.

"Protecting The Gift" by Gavin De Becker, has some important information in it on trusting your instincts about someone. It also discusses things TO DO if lost. Such as look for a mama with children to ask for help, go to the front desk or clerk of the store. He also deconstructs the wisdom of traditional maxims such as "Never talk to strangers" and "If you are ever lost, go to a policeman."

http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gif.../dp/0440509009
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1571/is_35_18/ai_92352720/pg_1?tag=artBod\
y;col1

Here is a link with Statistics, Prevalence Surrounding Child Sexual Abuse.

http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAb...atistics_2.asp

Basically, it appears that 13% of the population meets the definition of "sexual abuse survivor". And that most abusers assault ~5 victims. That means about 2.6% of the population are abusers. (if I did the math correctly).

300,000,000 population.
39,000,000 victims. = 7.8 million abusers

* 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member.
* Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.
* Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know.
* Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

I prefer to trust the statistic that 97.4% of the population are NOT abusers.

Pat, (a glass half full gal)

 

[D&S Mom]

There is a book with the Berenstain Bears called "The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Strangers". I thought it did a pretty good job. Your local library might have it.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Another recommendation for you reading Protecting the Gift. This is such a marvelous book written by a specialist who makes a living predicting and understanding violence. In it de Becker talks about how teaching kids to trust their instincts is vital. My dd is slightly younger than your son, and I don't plan on reading any children's books about strangers to her for fear that they will cause her to be overly afraid of people (and this is coming from someone who was nearly kidnapped as a child--even with my background, I know that is very rare and I do not want dd to be paranoid!). What I do, though, is talk to her about situations we're in. For instance, the other day we were at the market and this old man who worked there came up trying to talk to dd who was sitting in our cart. I don't think he meant any harm but it was a creepy situation (he kept trying to get her to give him a "Five" and talk to him). I was right there and intervened for her (dd just stared at him) and then said we had to get on with our shopping. Afterward I told dd that she did really well by not talking to him if he made her uncomfortable. In Protecting the Gift it is also mentioned that until your child can meet 12 requirements of assessing the situation around them, they cannot be responsible for their own safety, which is why it's so important for them to be with their parents. Parent's modeling safety precautions and talking with their children afterward about why they felt uncomfortable is a good way to go. I think being AP we already have a "leg up" because both our children and us know how to trust our instincts and give value to our gut feelings.

 

[katiesk]

I think it is really important to emphasize other aspects of personal safety with kids other than "stranger danger" I just glimpsed that another poster gave some statistics - it is such a small percentage of kids who experience harm from strangers. The most dangerous people to children are typically trusted friends and family.

Obviously, there are some safety guidelines that kids should learn for public situations in which they might encounter strangers, but the emphasis does not have to be on "strangers" - for instance, ask parent's permission before accepting candy, food, whatever. Not just "don't take candy from strangers"
Don't go with anyone without permission.

Talking with kids about safe touching, and what they can do if they experience something that might be unsafe.

This is a little scattered...but I think it is an important concept. Strangers should not necessarily be trusted with you kids, but kids need to learn skills around how to protect themselves from any person who might try to hurt them, not just strangers.

 

[Drummer's Wife]

Just another one that recommends reading Protecting the Gift. I think it will be far more valuable than any "stranger danger" books, talks, videos, etc.

It seriously changed my perspective quite a bit and I think it should be required for all parents.

 

[phathui5]

We got a DVD from the library called "Stranger Safety." It was very balanced, not scary for kids and gave good advice on what to do with people you know, sorta know and don't know.

 

[ann_of_loxley]

Thanks for all the replies. I have heard of that book and may well buy it one day. Im not saying I wont buy it - just that it probably already comes from a place where I am at so I would really only be reading it for confirmation...

Anyroad - I asked about books because apart from trusting my son (and we live pretty consensually and I never force him to do things and he knows how to listen to his body and his instincts and is pretty introvert as well...) and talking with him when situations come up, etc - I feel that adding a book (or books) to that topic is just another way to cover it and go over it. I don't want him to fear people/strangers or get mixed messages about the whole deal which is why I asked if any of you could recommend a good book that covers the basics without being silly about it.

Its important for me because I would like for him to be 'free -range' so to speak. For the most part he is

lol... We live in a little village (where everyone knows your name) and I would honestly like him to grow up the way I did and not in a bubble! I had breakfast - said goodbye and went out playing for the day! Ahhh...the good old days where kids where kids and free and wild and our parents had no idea where we were or what we were up to yet we still all managed to come home safely at the end of the day!...We have a safe enclosed garden but my son has recently showed interest in playing out front (which is not enclosed though part of a cul-de-sac with grassy areas and a 'spookey forest' as my son calls it - basically a few nice bunches of trees and bushes hehe). He is very well aware of cars, etc so that is not a worry for me. Its just one more thing I want to cover with him and doing so by reading him a nice colourful childs book is just another way to do that. But I realise most childrens books that do cover 'stranger danger' will be coming from a way I do not want the message given to my son (as you all know - since you are recommending this book for me) (the one Lisa recommend sounds like it might be okay and be the sort of book I am after for my son - thanks!

)

I think at the end of the day I am honsetly more worried about what other parents would/do think of me. You know I am just so neglectful letting my 3.5 year old son run around like a free range chicken

lol If we are quizzed, I want to make sure I have my bases covered! lol... Another thing I just need to let go of really...

 

[Heavenly]

I am definitely wanting to get some books on this topic, especially now. In a city now far from where I live in Ontario there is a little 8 year old girl missing since last Wednesday (today is day 10). They have survellience video of her calmly walking off with some woman. It is scary but I honestly think my kids might do the same. If some nice looking woman told them their mom needed them, or she was supposed to walk them home or something I could see them saying okay and going off. We haven't had too many talks about stranger danger because they are normally with a parent. In light of recent circumstances I think we will need to have this talk sooner rather than later.

 

[GiantGi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MGBoutique I've heard good things about the video you can get that John Walsh made, called the Strange Side or something like that, but I haven't seen it yet.

We have this DVD (Its called The Safe Side) and we have watched it together several times. It gets the point across but its not done in a offending way. They use music, silliness etc... My oldest really learned alot from it and she talks about it all the time.

 

[RoundAbout]

I will definitely have to pick up Protecting the Gift. It sounds great.

I've been startled by how paranoid some people are and I want something sensible and realistic. Two incidents which happened to me recently:

1) I was in a store and a woman (stranger) and I started talking and DS turned around and said "Hi" and the woman scowled and said "Oh we teach our kids to never talk to strangers."

2) A few days ago I was out for a walk and started talking to a neighbor. DS once again said "Hi" and waved, and this guy said "Did you ask your mommy first if it was ok to say 'hi'?"

Both of these left me a bit flabbergasted. Is this what people teach their kids? My son is not overly gregarious and I assume he thought it was ok to say hi because I was already talking to these people. I've always taught him its polite to respond to and greet people, but now I wonder what I'm supposed to tell him

 

[ann_of_loxley]

I remember as a child having to ask permission to speak to another adult I did not know - however it as never made rediculous - I could say 'Hi' of course!!!

 

[lach]

Quote:

Originally Posted by D&S Mom There is a book with the Berenstain Bears called "The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Strangers". I thought it did a pretty good job. Your local library might have it.

I remember this book from when I was a kid! If it stuck with me, I guess it did something right, eh? I remember it being very common sense: the moral is that it's not that all strangers are evil scary people, just that you have to be aware of your surroundings and use common sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley Its important for me because I would like for him to be 'free -range' so to speak. For the most part he is lol... We live in a little village (where everyone knows your name) and I would honestly like him to grow up the way I did and not in a bubble! I had breakfast - said goodbye and went out playing for the day! Ahhh...the good old days where kids where kids and free and wild and our parents had no idea where we were or what we were up to yet we still all managed to come home safely at the end of the day!

Well, the problem is that not everyone did. I believe that child abductions are at the lowest they've ever been in US history, which means that they used to be higher! I agree that today's hyper-vigilance goes too far and just scares kids, and that the chances of a stranger abduction are ridiculously low... but we can't just pretend that it never happened when we were kids.