[Finch]

It's just a pet peeve, I guess. I don't know, maybe more than that. Obviously more than that, since I'm posting about it.

At the park today, this woman arrived with her 2 dd's. Ds and I were previously the only ones at the (very small) park. So anyway, this woman...I guess she homeschools or something...either that or she's just really into the whole academic enrichment beyond school deal.

: ANYWAY, she's sitting there quizzing her dd's (about ages 5 and 7) on insects. One of the kids actually uttered the word "exoskeleton." Now, I was a gifted kid. I probably knew that kind of stuff at that age. But my mom never quizzed me, and I never really went around talking about it...I dunno.

It just....it bothered me. A lot. Here we are, at the park, on the dang monkey bars, and super mommy with her two little geniuses comes up and starts quizzing them (she had a book, she even announced it would be a "true/false" quiz...) and discussing things like the genus and phylum of insects, and why a spider isn't considered an insect because it's an arachnid.

:

I know why it bothered me, and I don't like it. I hate this feeling. It's almost like I'm trapped within my body, fighting with myself. One side of me, the side that is hurt and wounded and fragile, wants to snidely say to this woman, "Goody for you, you have gifted kids...yay for you. Now kindly go show off somewhere else, some of us consider it a great day when our child strings 2 words together correctly, mmkay? Some of us didn't win the genetic lottery." The other side of me is a realist and recognizes that she was doing a great job teaching her kids, and doing it in a play environment is a good way to do it, when their bodies are engaged their minds are much more likely to learn. She wasn't "showing off," she was just teaching her very obviously gifted kids. The realist side of me recognizes that the nasty side of me just feels painfully, profoundly, deeply jealous. I want to cry just typing this. I wanted to just snap at her and tell her that I really didn't come to the damn park to feel like crap about myself, and could she please cease and desist with the damn quizzing and just let me enjoy the park with my ds without having it thrown in my face yet again how delayed he is, how behind he is, how different he is?

Ugh. I hate feeling like this. My chest feels tight. I just want to bury myself in a hole.

:

:

: I hate it.

Most days I'm at total peace with ds's autism. He is who he is, and that's that. I love him to death. He doesn't have to be Einstein. He just has to be happy and know he's loved. I don't know what it was about this woman and her children that got under my skin so badly. Maybe it was because I felt like she was trying to show off? Maybe it's just pure jealousy and nothing more? Why do I have to have these feelings? They're so wrong and so bad.

 

[mama-a-llama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch I know why it bothered me, and I don't like it. I hate this feeling. It's almost like I'm trapped within my body, fighting with myself. One side of me, the side that is hurt and wounded and fragile, wants to snidely say to this woman, "Goody for you, you have gifted kids...yay for you. Now kindly go show off somewhere else, some of us consider it a great day when our child strings 2 words together correctly, mmkay? Some of us didn't win the genetic lottery." The other side of me is a realist and recognizes that she was doing a great job teaching her kids, and doing it in a play environment is a good way to do it, when their bodies are engaged their minds are much more likely to learn. She wasn't "showing off," she was just teaching her very obviously gifted kids. The realist side of me recognizes that the nasty side of me just feels painfully, profoundly, deeply jealous. I want to cry just typing this. I wanted to just snap at her and tell her that I really didn't come to the damn park to feel like crap about myself, and could she please cease and desist with the damn quizzing and just let me enjoy the park with my ds without having it thrown in my face yet again how delayed he is, how behind he is, how different he is?

Sigh.

I'm quoting you b/c you've described so well how I feel so often. I know intellectually people aren't trying to hurt me, I know I love ds and that's really what matters, but yeah, it hurts a lot to see so plainly how different our kids are.

 

[crl]

Some days really hurt, don't they?

 

[Finch]

Yes, yes they do.

I just read Em's Mom's post about her new nephew, it seems this type of stuff is going around lately. Ugh. I am so so SO eternally thankful for this forum.

 

[Megamama]

I used to feel that way SO often thanks to one friend I have. Her kids are very bright and language oriented. Eli would learn to sing a song in a stilted way, and her kids would sing it perfectly. It goes on. And she was always telling me what they could do and having them perform for me. I just never had the heart to hurt her for being proud of her kids, but from time to time I wanted her to LOOK at Elijah, who was older than her son, and see that he's not doign these amazing things and quit telling me that your kid was. SIGH. And then I felt bad about it. Because you know, 10 minutes after the brags she would listen to me go on and on about all the small things Eli was doing or not doing, and listen patiently.

I do still feel jealous. I even feel weird that my very bright 2 year old is sometimes more advanced than my PDD 4 year old.

Then, we met with the social worker for his school so she could take a social history of him, and I realized from that all the things he CAN do and do well, and all the things he's improved, and how creative and interesting he is. That helps a lot.

Anyway..didn't mean to vent in your vent!! HUGS Woman!

 

[kchoffmann]

Lots of hugs. There is indeed something in the air - a full moon maybe? You saw my post about feeling similarly watching Ezra in his new school. All week my stomach has been in a tight knot and I've been on the verge of tears - or actually crying.

It just hurts. I'm right there with you.

 

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

 

[MillingNome]

Ugh, I hate when the green monster rears its head. I try hard not to get all jealous when I hear what my nephews are doing (four of them now!) but sometimes I can't help it. Like you, I know what I'm doing, why I feel the way I do, love ds to bits, and marvel at all he can do. Sometimes though, I just want him to be normal.

s

 

[bri276]

yk, maybe I'm crazy/jealous too, but that really sort of does sound like showing off. I'm all for homeschooling/unschooling/alternative education, but I almost don't think it's appropriate to be "quizzing" at the park like that. I think it's a little obnoxious. it's very....conspicuous. maybe I'm wrong, I dunno.

dh's friends daughter is several months younger than dd, we visited them recently and it was all "she can do this and she can do that and you don't really want Jessica to walk because it's so much harder"

: Um, actually, yeah I do, or I wouldn't be taking her to physical therapy that I can't even afford. This same woman once said in front of me "I'd know immediately if there was something wrong with my dd." Apropos of nothing.

it IS a bad week here. & I too am grateful for this forum. Finding other special needs parents is hard enough, let alone finding ones who are NFL/APish in the least!

 

[logan&jordansmommy]

Quote:

Why do I have to have these feelings?

Because it is natural to have these feelings

I think no matter how much we can come to terms with our kids sn's most of us (if not all) are going to feel the way you felt today. It is hard and it hurts and it isn't fair sometimes. I am so sorry.

 

[granolamomma]

Oh Finch, you couldn't have picked a more eerily perfect time for this. I had a playdate with a dear friend and her beautifully perfect kids today, and sometimes it hurts worse when I'm in an optimistically content place and then am delivered the blow of what I call 'comparison realization', if that makes any sense.

Anyway,

s for know your feelings exactly. And fwiw, even if that mom wasn't intending to brag, personally I think showcasing obvious intelligence like that is still creating a little too much pride (and not enough awareness for empathy) in her kids.

Just my humble, green opinion.

 

[Sierra]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bri276 yk, maybe I'm crazy/jealous too, but that really sort of does sound like showing off. I'm all for homeschooling/unschooling/alternative education, but I almost don't think it's appropriate to be "quizzing" at the park like that. I think it's a little obnoxious. it's very....conspicuous.

Oh, I dunno. I could totally see my BIL doing something like that and not meaning to show off at all. He is very intelligent guy and is always looking for the educational in every moment. A trip to the park could easily become a chance to educate his three kids on insects, just like a trip in the car becomes a lesson in reading using road signs and a trip to the grocery store becomes a lesson in math. I too am always looking for "teachable moments" for my kids (both of whom have special needs) because there are always great opportunities to explore subjects together. I learn while I am at it, and I enjoy it because it is the way my mind works. So I largely admire that in my BIL, though I also think imaginative and physical play is very important and that more frequently he should just let go and let them play. Plus, he and I have really different educational styles. He *totally* would quiz his kids on something he'd taught them earlier or that they had been learning about in school. He has been in the military for twenty+ years and sort of has a "commanding officer" style with his kids. I on the other hand, think my kids are the best guides to their own education and have a more Montessori approach with them. I might find subtle ways for me to test what they know so I can tailor future opportunities for exploring topics together, but it is not at all like a quiz for them.

I also have to say that I don't think kids who happen to know certain things are "gifted." There is a difference, for example, between so-called "intelligence" and education. You can train lots of children to know all about genus and phylum, but that just means they are educated about those things, not any smarter than before they knew them.

In addition, answering quiz questions correctly can be done by training someone without ever having educated them. Answering quiz questions does not indicate whether the info has been integrated, applied, or used in a synergistic manner. And it doesn't say anything about who the answerers are as whole people, or even what they can do...be it peeling a potato or tying their shoes or solving problems or anything else.

 

[starlein26]

You're very insightful and honest with yourself which is really the only thing to do. Follow those terrible, no good, annoying, angering feelings until they go away...meanwhile recognizing that the source of annoyance is somewhere within you.

 

[mamastotwo]

Just letting you know you are not the only one who has those feelings. Even though i feel i've accepted DD's "somethin' extra" every once in awhile that tightness of the chest you described happens to me too. Hang in there.

 

[Ok]

Y'know that song: I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow...

I totally get what you're saying relative to my youngest ds (ASD). And yet I have those inquisitive, talkative older children too... (although I don't know enough to quiz them on exoskeletons at the moment)...

BUT

I know someone who has a ds w/ delays. He's almost 4 and not PTd. Last night my non-verbal ASD kid peed on the potty 3x!!! We are so excited! I shared w/ a group of our friends today, but only when this friend wasn't there. It's such a fine line sometimes. I just didn't want to share with this friend. Maybe she'd be fine-- or maybe it'd remind her of what her ds can't do. (although hers can talk and mine can't LOL)

Anyway, I totally understand the vent, the mixed emotions, and the reality check.

If you want a positive spin, maybe her dds will grow up to be kind and loving doctors who work with and take care of SN people b/c their mama shared compassion and a life-long love of learning with them and a spirit of good works to boot.

:

 

[Em's Mom]

I do believe this day calls for margeritas

. LOL!!! I'm with you all the way Finch! Sometimes this journey just stinks! That's the only way to describe it! Thanks for posting this though....it helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this today. I'm sorry thought that you are going through it too

.

 

[IncaMama]

:
i'm a new poster to this forum, though i've been reading for a long time...and i know exactly what you mean and i've been there. many, many, many times.

 

[bunsmom]

Right there with ya! I am sorry you had to go through that. I do think parents who do that are showing off....homeschooling or not, that seems a little much. Something similar happened recently when I was out shopping with DD, we were just cruising along and I was looking at books for DD, when a Mom and her cute DD were next to us. The Mom wasn't saying a word to her DD until she saw us, and all of a sudden she started grabbing books and shoving them at her DD and saying "this is a cow, a COW, MOOOOOO" the poor kid was MAYBE nine months and just looked at her Mom, like "What are you talking about?" It was a strange moment.

Regardless of how smart you or your kids are (or you think they are) it doesn't always have to be a classroom.

We have some friends who have a beautiful daughter, but they are always going on and on about what she says and does, and it bothers me at times, but she is so sweet to our DD that I have to let it go, they are just not in the same place we are.

I hope you are feeling better.