Well, my 'conversion' was sudden and definately out of nowhere and its been almost 12 years now. Every year that goes by I think Im either more surprised or excited that I can add one more year to it actually. I think theres a number of reasons for that. I did go to catholic schools. My mom and I discussed this the other day and I really dont know why she put me in those schools or called herself catholic. I think for her it was definately a cultural thing, being that she is third generation Irish catholic and in irish circles, you either identified with being Catholic or Protestant. I never knew or learned ANYthing about God tho... Thats very funny, I find. It was all just not really part of my life, even tho I did go to catholic schools, we did the mass every once in a while, but there was no influence whatsoever for me. I didnt associate religion with real life, just school, ok? My mom went to church when the priest to the church attached to the school gave my mom 'that look' for not having been, but even then she gave that up. So, while I was in catholic schools, suffice to say, and I find this ironic, it didnt have any spiritual impact on me whatsoever. I dont remember anything specific I took with me. High school was even more extreme. We had religious lessons but I found those to be more about common morality then anything specific.<br><br>
So, basically I never really gave it a thought as to whether there was a God or not. Never. I can remember some thoughts as a child surrounding reincarnation but thats as far as I got in thinking about anything spiritual.<br><br>
I graduated from high school. I did all the college things (the stuff that doesnt involve studying actually). Had one bad trip that kind of sent me over the edge a bit. I think that scared me a lot. Now, I know what some could think with me admitting that. Yeah, I tripped a lot during the years coming up to my conversion. But, it wasnt the psychological effects of the drugs that effected me. It was how out of control I was. It also had to do with how this all affected my family. It had to do with a lot of things. For a number of years I did have minor flashbacks. Anyway. I had decided that I wanted to stop that lifestyle. A lot of things in my life were ... I guess out of control, but it surrounded my family life. My 16 year old sister had a baby and was living at home, my dad was an alcoholic. My mom just sat with her books and tried to ignore what was going around in her life. There was one night when I found my dad alseep at the computer. I told him to go to bed. I was afraid he was going crazy. I had no where else to turn. I had no one else to go to. I went to bed and just prayed over and over 'God help me. If you are real, take my life and do with it what you want, bc Im making a mess of it'.<br><br>
I mean, and this is the first time Im thinking about it like this, and Im getting emotional thinking about it. I was at an age in my life where my parents should have had it together enough to help me thru the transition from being a high school student to being an adult and No one could pull themselves together to help me. But that was nothing new for my family. I had gone from feeling free and like I could do anything (upon graduation) to feeling completely lost and like my life was going nowhere. I could have REALLY gone down a different path, and I was heading down it and this is why my 'conversion' was such a bombshell to my family. It was <i>sort of</i> gradual for the first year to 18 months. After calling out to God like that I had stopped doing most drugs (I was still smoking pot and continued for some time). I had gone for a job interview and met a woman while waiting who, I now realise, was a christian. She didnt say she was tho. She just listened. We sat there in a coffee shop for a few hours talking about all Im telling you. It was christmas time and I made a comment about people running around like crazy, for what? She asked me if I knew Jesus? I said 'well he was a good teacher, I guess... everyone knows who Jesus is'. She pointed to me and said 'You need to know Jesus. You need to KNOW him'. Im like 'uum ok?' but I didnt say anything. She gave me her number but when I tried to call a few days later she had moved on (she was a homeless woman living in a womens shelter).<br><br>
About 6 months later, I took my college loan money and got on a greyhound bus to florida (I lived in ohio) where my grandmother lived. I just needed to get away, I guess. I met my future dh, who was a christian, albeit a rather troubled one at the time. He was a budding alcohlic himself. Thats kinda another chapter to this story... We were together about a week and half in florida then I had to get back for my best friends wedding, otherwise I might'nt have come back. So my fdh meets me back up in cleveland within a few months and we move in together, to the utter dismay to my parents. I get pregnant (did someone mention hormones...), but I dont know which came first, it all happened so fast. Fdh and I get into an argument, yes it was fueled by alcohol and pot. I cant remember what the argument was about but I said something like 'Im a free spirit!!' (I was about 21, bless) and he in all seriousness sobered up for a minute and said 'No your not!' and something about belonging to God, and that I needed to accept Jesus and something and such like that.<br><br>
Anyway, somehow I got hold of one of those tracts. Not a chick tract but you know the ones I mean. The ones with the 'Sinner' Prayer' at the back. I went to a quiet place, under a tree after work. I had it planned out. It was as if someone had given me the answer and all I needed to do was do it! I simply said the sinners prayer, meant it, and went home. The only thing that changed for me was that for the first time I understood the bible. It was as if a light had been switched on. I had begun reading the bible, trying to understand it during that 18 month period, but I just couldnt get it. Upon 'conversion' it all just made sense and it was as if there were biblical spiritual truths that I just knew from that moment on. I still had a lot of growing to do, but a firm foundation had been immediately laid. Instantaneously. Ive realised now that that doesnt happen for a lot of people.<br><br>
Now, dh and I (we got preg, then got married) we tried to find churches from time to time but never found one. I just read the bible and grew without any outside christian/church influence for some time. I think this was to become important to me bc of the things I now hear about how we are just so influenced by the culture around us. That wasnt so for me. Also, my parents were terrified I had joined a cult. What cult? I didnt even attend a church! Eventually when I found a church, my dh had to go back to the UK (he's british) bc of visa and uuummm, illegal work issues. I was alone again, 6 months pregnant with twins (my girls will be 11 next week!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">) so this is when I believe the Lord led me to a fantastic church. But he soon moved me out of there as dh and I were to be reunited in england after 10 months apart.<br><br><br>
Theres so much more to this story. This is just what you asked for, but there's so much more even to these details. The spiritual aspect is very hard to put into words.<br><br>
I was hoping I could have done this with a lot less words. Both my family and my close friends thought I had lost it. My sister said years later 'Gen, you just.... changed.... overnight!'<br><br>
I have had so many bumps along the way, and I have gotten angry with God for somethings, Ive ...just grown to know Him and ... I just cant put it into words. HE is my best friend. Simply put. Jesus Christ is THE One who has NEVER let me down, NEVER disappointed me. EVER. Ive hurt a lot in these 11 years and even, in a way, turned away from him, but not really. I was just hurting and still praying but questioning so much. I always knew He was real from the moment I prayed that prayer 'God help me'. There is a lot of confusion to wade thru, but Jesus Christ.... I dont care what anyone says about Him... I Do wish I could make him known to everyone I meet. But thats not my job. I just keep walking in faith, knowing where my home is, and that while Im on this earth as a soujourner, this isnt my home, my home is with Him.
