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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok I am not going to vent or rant about her -- it would take all afternoon just to hit the highlights and my hands won't type that long (my senior resech paper in cologe was shorter than the very edited version of the BIG events only would be here).<br><br>
she was in teh hosptail in 2005, she almost died -- as she will remind you. she left after 3 monhts on oxgyn. she was supposed to go to PT and be off oxgyn in no more than 60 days, maybe 30 if she worked hard. you all see where this is going -- she is still on it -- and a dram queen to boot "oh check my tank I need air"<br><br>
she is -- and has been since i have known her massively over weight. her kneee is messed up and even before the whole oxgyn thing she barely walked and took a lot of pain killers all the time<br><br>
soooooooooooooooo she lives with SIL who NEEDS A BREAK.<br><br>
so she is coming here for June and July. one to give sis a break, two to try to correct some habits (family decision, not MILs decision) and three -- to do an informal assessemnt. if she can't get off her a%% and get more selfsuciffcant then DH BIL and SIL are gonna put it to her she needs to go to assit lviing as SIL is not home helath.<br><br>
I think she is primary a drama queen who actis liek a spoiled 3 yo (DH, SIL and BIL all agree she is a PITA and that she is "chilidsh most of the tiem") -- i think she gets away with well over 50 to 70% of what she does cuz she can.......i think she could do a lot more for herself, and do a lot more in general but she likes the drama, she has to be center of attention (DH, BIL and SIL agree)........so basically this visit is PUT UP or SHUT UP.<br><br>
I have no history of coddleing her, DH has the least history of coddleing her and I am preggo with a 17 month old -- the prefect excuse NOT to coddle her.<br><br>
Dh asked me to creat a talking point for him cuz as soon as he gets her here he is going to sit alone with her and have a mini-come-to-jeuses meeting about the reality of staying with us (Aimee is my wife, not your slave, she has Theo to take care of and her prgant slef, she will not be fetching and carrying for you ... and so on)<br><br>
here is what i have so far.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Talking points for Scott and his Mom<br><br>
1.Why she is visiting<br>
a.To see her grandson<br>
b.To break old habits and start new ones (easier in a new place)<br>
c.To start improving physically<br>
i.More walking ability<br>
ii.Less dependence on the oxygen<br><br>
2.Bad habits<br>
a.we are not going to wait on her<br>
b.she is not going to spend all day in bed<br>
c.she is not going to stay home when the family goes places, nor is she always going to be pushed in a wheelchair.<br><br>
3.new habits<br>
a.She needs to be more self-sufficient<br>
i.What she can do she needs to do<br>
1.get bottle of water from fridge<br>
2.get cup, put water in it, heat it, carry to table for coffee<br>
3.make sandwich or heat up leftovers<br>
4.take all dishes to sink, rinse<br>
ii.exercise<br>
1.walking up and down the driveway<br>
2.walking the stairs just to walk them<br>
3.walking when the family goes out – even if with the walker at first.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I know you don't know MIL or anything -- but any thought on what else i should add?<br><br>
ETA if i can pull it off -- not sure how -- i am going to get her into a doc to assess her medication and get rid of all the ones she doesn't really need. we eanted to go this at teh hosptial in 05 -- but we live 4 hours away and while we were there a lot, SIL droped the ball on this and other follow up issues.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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No great insight, I just wish you luck. If she doesn't want to change her habits, I suggest you start researching assisted living up front because that's where she'll end up.
 

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Looks good so far. ITA about researching Assisted Living sooner rather than later. I think it will be good for MIL to see that you're serious about that. It might maker her super-motivated to improve so she can avoid AL. Or, maybe she's NOT being a drama queen as charged but really does have more serious health issues (possibly including dementia) than anybody realized, and she might actually be relieved at the thought of going into AL and no longer demanding more of her family than they can really provide.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
already have<br><br>
actually I really think that is where she is at -- by choice and failure to put forth effort -- but i think this little visit will prove that to everyone else.<br><br>
Also -- it will make it easier for DH, BIL and SIL to talk to her -- cuz we will be able to point to the fact that she failed in living here with the lower level of assistance than she gets for SIL.<br><br>
really, though, SIL needs the break.<br><br>
she commutes 45 minutes to work, works 10 to 12 hours days and deals with MIL at home. she needs the time to her self. she needs to decide if she wants to sell the house and move to twon (what she has talked to me about)......she needs the break.<br><br>
the next question is -- will MIL qualify for assited living, or will she need a higher levele of care???<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I heartily recommend something I wish we had done.<br><br>
Find a social worker who specializes in issues with dealing with elderly/disabled parents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
she may be haveing a few age related issues -- really.<br><br>
but she has -- according to family -- been the kind to have to be center of attention and drama queen for year and years and years now -- it is just getting wrose all the time, espcially since the hosptial now that she feels she has a legit excuse to need to be waited on.<br><br>
yes she has limitations (by choice, 150 pounds over weight, didn't do her PT and so on) -- but they can be lessoned and over come.<br><br>
We are net expecting miricals -- just functional ablities.<br><br>
last summer SIL went on vacation with us for 2 weeks, we had to get a grandchild (22) to come stay with MIL cuz she acted like she couldn't stay alone -- that was when i said AL -- if she can't stay alone for SIL to travle then she should not be living in teh home. SIL siad -- at that point -- she thought MIL could stay a lone, but we got the giorl to stay so MIL didn't call on of us every 10 minutes and so SIL could enjoy her vacation.<br><br>
but bottom line is is MIL wants to stay hme, then she needs to be able to lvie alone and not depend on SIL at all. if she has to depend on someone daily like that -- she needs to be living somehere.<br><br>
I apperpcate the ideas.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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Good luck with that... she sounds like my grandma. Grandma would circle a parking lot for 20 minutes to get a spot near the door.<br><br>
She begged to be put in a home and now she hates it and begs to come back. When she's at 'home' with my Grandpa she often refuses to get out of bed.<br><br>
Okay, that's not much help. I'm very impressed that your husband is actually going to talk to her about this stuff. Your list looks pretty complete to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I heartily recommend something I wish we had done.<br><br>
Find a social worker who specializes in issues with dealing with elderly/disabled parents.</td>
</tr></table></div>
good idea<br><br>
WHERE<br><br>
like with teh state?<br><br>
or an LSW who is indepeant like a therpist?<br><br>
or what?<br><br>
anything else you wish you had done?<br><br>
Aimee
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
things i have added to the talking points<br><br>
4.organized exercize program 2 and then 3 days week. (DH idea -- teh YMCA)<br><br>
4.OTHER<br>
a.All medication will be kept ONLY in the kitchen cabinet with the other medication (Theo loves to climb on tables and can work zippers).<br>
i.Not in purse<br>
ii.Not in bedroom<br>
iii.Not on table
 

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activities of daily living are the things we need to do in order to function ie: eat/prepare food, use the toilet, bathe etc.<br><br>
some people, despite their physical limitations, are able to be independent/almost independent. others might not be as affected but for other issues (cognition, motivation) may need more supervision or assistance.<br><br>
it sounds like from what you describe that your mil does require a fair amount of assistance, and it's frustrating to those around her (including you) because you feel that she is PHYSICALLY capable to engage in these activities, but she just doesn't want to (for whatever reason...personality disorder perhaps from the things that you wrote<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">.<br><br>
a social worker or occupational therapist that specializes in geriatrics might be a good person to come in, they can assess the situation and give your mil a professional evaluation of her abilities and living situation in light of her needs. do you think that perhaps hearing this from a third party might make it more of a reality check for her?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Aimee21972</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7970343"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
anything else you wish you had done?<br><br>
Aimee</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br><br><br>
I wish we had talked to a social worker because of some conflicts between the relatives organizing care.<br><br>
I'm not sure where to start asking. Maybe her doctor, maybe yours. Many local towns where I live have a senior center with a director who can help people find help. You can try the local hospital.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">a social worker or occupational therapist that specializes in geriatrics might be a good person to come in, they can assess the situation and give your mil a professional evaluation of her abilities and living situation in light of her needs. do you think that perhaps hearing this from a third party might make it more of a reality check for her?</td>
</tr></table></div>
how do i find this?<br><br>
Would this just be a home health assessment person -- ie working for home health?<br><br>
we are two years out form the hosptial so i can't see how NOW they would refer us....<br><br>
I will check the local senior center to see if someone can help me.<br><br>
one comment SIL made is that MIL might be more willing to get out and do stuff (senior center) in a new place -- in her home twon, small town, "she has already judged evenone and feels they have done the same to her" (most pople in teh twon == whoshe would see at teh senior activites and so on ------nak ----------- remember her divorce 40 years ago for example)<br><br>
so we are hopeing that a new start will at least let her clear her head and look at things, not just continue in ingrained patterens without thought.<br><br>
Dh says she was always emotional boardering on mental. got wrose after his dad left, then got better for a while (turust me i know why the guy left) but now she is jsut getting that way again. i see her having a very hard time with the kids and grandkids having their own lives that don't circle around her....our wedding, the birth ikf opur child, my pregancy -- she is not center stage anymore and fights to be that -- like my 4 you DN with his new sister. I can sit back and watch her behavior decline. one day we were visiting -- her and I am DH and Theo and SIL were all that was there. she was acting more or less fine talking to dh. the BIL and SIL and 17 year old son show up -- well SIL is into Theo, and DH starts talking hunting with BIL and SIL who lives there and I start food for everyone.....allk off teh sudden the MIL who has not moved from her chair is yelling at 17 yo grandson to get her tank she needs air, and yelling for everyone to talk louder she can't hear and companing about her hearing aids......<br><br>
it is bad of me -- i don;t care one way or the other how this work so ut -- i just want to get soemthing done -- either get her better or moved somewerhe -- she is too much of a constant emotional drain for us all. i jsut want a decision made and acted on with as lkittel BS from her as possible.<br><br>
I would LOOOOVE to pull off getting her totally assessd (physicallyu ad emetnal) and her meds assessed. jhave some prfesional; tell us what is real<br>
Aimee
 

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It sounds like you have a great starting point. I do worry about starting an exercise program with a person with health problems. I would strongly reccommend that she sees either her own doctor or one closer to you before she starts. The doctor can start her out on exercises that will be safe for her.
 

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Everyone has great suggestions. The only thing I would add is set a firm date of when this arrangement is over. I know you said she will be with you June/ July but July can easily turn into August and then September especially if she doesn't want assisted living. Other than that nothing to add except the fact is it evil if I'm looking forward to some MIL rant threads? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
Hope everything goes smoothly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I wanted to chime in on the exercise program. She might very well have health problems now *because* of the inactivity. My grandmother insisted she needed a wheelchair and then, after being in it for a year or so, she *did* need it. It's annoying and yes, it was her fault, but after limited use of the muscles for a long time, they just aren't up to the task anymore.<br><br>
If you haven't already, talk to her doctor about what she can do. The last thing you want is for her to have a heart attack or stroke or something while exercising. And if she's as sedentary as you suggest, I'd say don't even bother with the Y. Just walking around the block once or twice a day (or even down the street and back if she's really out of shape) is a good start.<br><br>
Good luck <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> And don't hold your breath. You say she's been like this as long as your dh can remember, it's not likely she'll change her personality now. Just do what you need to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
i don't expect her to get better -- i just expect push to come to shove -- and then the family to actually go something --<br><br>
oh her doctor is the ONE who pushes her to go to the Y (locally).... he is always after her to walk more, or get out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I am not worried about it -- she'll play the oh poor me i am so tired, i am so sore and yadda yadda yadda ...... whatever. If i can listen to Theo cry about not getting the knife i am cutting with -- i can listen to her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
thanks everyone
 
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