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Suicide
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If you really think he may have done something to hurt himself, I think you should call the police. But I don't think you should go over there.
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He might not answer the door for the police either.
If he does answer and acts irrational, he could be put in a psychiatric ward. Or, if he "resists," he could be put in jail.
Do you know anyone who could drive to you, get the key, and drive over there?
I had a boyfriend when I was younger who was constantly suicidal, but he never threatened it in a blackmailing way, which is what your DP is doing. This is very wrong for him to be blackmailing you like that-- whether he really intends to do it or not.
If someone is profoundly depressed and suicidal, and is not using it as a blackmail, unfortunately there is not much you can do. Yes, you can try to have them placed in a psych hospital, but once they are out, the cycle will start all over again.
This ex BF who was always suicidal is sill alive 16 years later. He has had many close calls.
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And has been in and out of psych hospitals.
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If he does answer and acts irrational, he could be put in a psychiatric ward. Or, if he "resists," he could be put in jail.
Do you know anyone who could drive to you, get the key, and drive over there?
I had a boyfriend when I was younger who was constantly suicidal, but he never threatened it in a blackmailing way, which is what your DP is doing. This is very wrong for him to be blackmailing you like that-- whether he really intends to do it or not.
If someone is profoundly depressed and suicidal, and is not using it as a blackmail, unfortunately there is not much you can do. Yes, you can try to have them placed in a psych hospital, but once they are out, the cycle will start all over again.
This ex BF who was always suicidal is sill alive 16 years later. He has had many close calls.
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
I'm afraid that it sounds to me that your partner is using a common tactic of emotionally abusive spouses. I would call the police, but under no circumstances should you return. This is abuse.
Originally Posted by blissful_maia I am at a friend's home right now, with dd (who is sleeping). When I told dp that I was leaving he spun into a hysterical crying fit (not uncommon), but he kept saying... I'm going to die... I'm not going to be here when you get back... If you loved me, you would stay. I left anyways, because I just couldn't deal with the drama. |
I'm afraid that it sounds to me that your partner is using a common tactic of emotionally abusive spouses. I would call the police, but under no circumstances should you return. This is abuse.
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I'm sorry you are going through this, it's awful.
My boyfriend prior to my my husband committed suicide.
He did tell me he was going to do it , he had a lot of problems, drugs, an abusive childhood, he was very depressed and a total mess.
I now know I had NO control over what he did.
I really am not trying freak you out, hopefully your dp is fine.
I just know, He made that choice. I have to say whenever he threatend it in a hysterical state, he never did anything. He was very calm when he did do it.
I hope I havent upset you in any way, please keep us posted.
Lisa
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My boyfriend prior to my my husband committed suicide.
He did tell me he was going to do it , he had a lot of problems, drugs, an abusive childhood, he was very depressed and a total mess.
I now know I had NO control over what he did.
I really am not trying freak you out, hopefully your dp is fine.
I just know, He made that choice. I have to say whenever he threatend it in a hysterical state, he never did anything. He was very calm when he did do it.
I hope I havent upset you in any way, please keep us posted.
Lisa
x
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I was suicidal through my entire teens (from 12 to 20), and have been off and on throughout my 20's and early 30's. For the most part, I didn't talk about it...although I'd occasionally "hint" at it, in the hopes that someone would try to convince me I was worthwhile enough to stay alive a little longer.
My ex was also a depressive, but of a very different sort. He never wanted to address his problems, and treated any attempt to help him as being dismissive of his issues (ie. somehow the idea that depression was a problem for him meant that he didn't have any "real" problems, and it was all in his head). He was also a first-class emotional manipulator...and he played the suicide card a few times toward the end..."if you leave, I'll have nothing to live for, I might as well kill myself" and all the rest of that crap.
If your dp (ex dp?) is trying to put the responsibility for his suicide on your shoulders, then he's being a manipulative jerk. More likely, he's trying to scare you badly enough that you'll be guilted into staying. Someone who says "if you loved me, you'd stay" in that kind of circumstance isn't demonstrating any love for you. A relationship can't run on guilt, and it doesn't say good things about your dp that he's resorting to this kind of tactic. (He may well be genuinely depressed...but there are ways to handle it and ways not to handle it. This is about more than clinical depression.)
Good luck to you!
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If you really do want to find out what's going on, then I suggest the police, as well. But, if you do that, don't be surprised if he acts completely bewildered when they show up, and does his best to convince them that you're the one with the issues...that you made it up or some such. That's what happened to my cousin in this situation. The cops thought she was a loon, and he'd been sitting in his locked car in the garage with the engine running!
My ex was also a depressive, but of a very different sort. He never wanted to address his problems, and treated any attempt to help him as being dismissive of his issues (ie. somehow the idea that depression was a problem for him meant that he didn't have any "real" problems, and it was all in his head). He was also a first-class emotional manipulator...and he played the suicide card a few times toward the end..."if you leave, I'll have nothing to live for, I might as well kill myself" and all the rest of that crap.
If your dp (ex dp?) is trying to put the responsibility for his suicide on your shoulders, then he's being a manipulative jerk. More likely, he's trying to scare you badly enough that you'll be guilted into staying. Someone who says "if you loved me, you'd stay" in that kind of circumstance isn't demonstrating any love for you. A relationship can't run on guilt, and it doesn't say good things about your dp that he's resorting to this kind of tactic. (He may well be genuinely depressed...but there are ways to handle it and ways not to handle it. This is about more than clinical depression.)
Good luck to you!
If you really do want to find out what's going on, then I suggest the police, as well. But, if you do that, don't be surprised if he acts completely bewildered when they show up, and does his best to convince them that you're the one with the issues...that you made it up or some such. That's what happened to my cousin in this situation. The cops thought she was a loon, and he'd been sitting in his locked car in the garage with the engine running!
I think threatening suicide and not being willing to do anything about it is about the most abusive thing a person can do to someone that they love. And although he is being very manipulative, as a psychologist with lots of crisis experience, I believe he may be at high risk for actually doing harm to himself. Many men commit suicide out of a place of rage and abandonment. That does not mean you are in any way responsible for his life or his choices. The best advice I can give is that if your partner was having a heart attack, you would get him professional help. Call the police or get him to a hospital. And if he talks about it again, do it again. He needs to figure out that those words are serious and should always be responded to as if they are serious. If he is just angry and hurt, he can use different words. I know it is hard to think of leaving someone when they are suffering from depression but depression is a treatable illness and if he is not willing to take care of himself, you have to do what is best for you. Good luck. Check in with us so we know how you are doing.
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My highschool sweetheart was founding hanging in his dorm room after we had a fight one night -- he told me he was going to do it, I said "Go ahead" and the funeral was 3 days later.
It was devastating and it really shaped who I am.
I had a subsequent boyfriend threaten it every time we fought, which I thought was particularly cruel given what I had been through. He never actually did anything, he was just being evil and manipulative.
Please keep us posted, I am not sure what to tell you except it's his life and if he chooses to end it instead of taking responsiblity for himself, he is a coward...you need to do just what you are doing -- finding a way to live.
It was devastating and it really shaped who I am.
I had a subsequent boyfriend threaten it every time we fought, which I thought was particularly cruel given what I had been through. He never actually did anything, he was just being evil and manipulative.
Please keep us posted, I am not sure what to tell you except it's his life and if he chooses to end it instead of taking responsiblity for himself, he is a coward...you need to do just what you are doing -- finding a way to live.
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Call the police, give them the key, and let them go over. It could be very dangerous for you to go yourself.
PLEASE do this. You sound like you're going through hell right now.
PLEASE do this. You sound like you're going through hell right now.
First off, you need to take care of you and your dd
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. I have been in your shoes before and its such an emotional rollercoaster ride. My 1st dh threatened suicide many, many times. We were in the midst of separating because he was emotionally and verbally abusive and would not treat his illness w/drugs and therapy. A few times when he did threaten, I called his threrapist and also the suicide hotline. I know that most cities have these and they provided me with so much support and information. I would suggest calling these or if you have a therapist, call them. But again, I stress to you, to take care of you. Your dd needs a healthy mom and dad and only he can make that change for himself.
Sadly, my 1st dh completed suicide. Its been 5 years now and I truly don't know if he would have ever gotten healthy.
Please keep us posted~
Lisa
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Sadly, my 1st dh completed suicide. Its been 5 years now and I truly don't know if he would have ever gotten healthy.
Please keep us posted~
Lisa
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In the days before I left my ex-h he told me that he would kill himself (for purely selfish reasons to let everyone think I was so awful to him instead of the other way around) One night after arguing and me telling him that was it, he took a knife and climbed up on to the (flat)roof in the dark. I didn't follow hip up there. To be honest I thought it would be a relief if he finally did something about his life.
After an hour or so when he didn't come down I went up the ladder and peeked over to see him lying on his back at a funny angle.
Stupidly I went over to him. He was staring up at the sky and then freaked me out by jumping up with the knife in his hand.
I had put myself exactly where he wanted me to be.
The next day he left and I thought that was that but 2 days later he broke into the house and I ended up with a cut to my head and a damaged finger.
Don't go to the house. Don't go back to the house if he leaves (unless he is in secure care)
Don't let him do this to you. This kind of behaviour is destructive and cruel. He is not going to become a reasonable person who you can be happy to live alongside. Stay where you are. No plans are set in stone. You cannot undo the hurt you have suffered so far but you can plan for a better future; it might just take a bit longer. Bad as that may seem now it is an opportunity to start afresh in a more peaceful state of mind.
There is someone out there who will want to love you, who will be 100% supportive of you and your studies, who won't blackmail you with childcare and support.
After an hour or so when he didn't come down I went up the ladder and peeked over to see him lying on his back at a funny angle.
Stupidly I went over to him. He was staring up at the sky and then freaked me out by jumping up with the knife in his hand.
I had put myself exactly where he wanted me to be.
The next day he left and I thought that was that but 2 days later he broke into the house and I ended up with a cut to my head and a damaged finger.
Don't go to the house. Don't go back to the house if he leaves (unless he is in secure care)
Don't let him do this to you. This kind of behaviour is destructive and cruel. He is not going to become a reasonable person who you can be happy to live alongside. Stay where you are. No plans are set in stone. You cannot undo the hurt you have suffered so far but you can plan for a better future; it might just take a bit longer. Bad as that may seem now it is an opportunity to start afresh in a more peaceful state of mind.
There is someone out there who will want to love you, who will be 100% supportive of you and your studies, who won't blackmail you with childcare and support.
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You answered your own question when you said this,
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If you stay the abuse is not going to stop, it will escalate and both you and your dd are in harms way. If you stay your dd is not going to grow up happy seeing him abuse you, he will most likely abuse her in the same way. If he does not mentally/emotionally abuse her directly, it will happen from the way he treats you.
| Should I leave? Is it what's best for me and dd? |
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| I just want the mental and emotional abuse to stop, you know? |
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i'm sorry for you and your dd mama
take care of the two of you...follow your instincts to stay away. I would call the police, he should know there are consequenses to his actions.
blessings~~
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I'm sorry you're going through this. My father commited suicide three years ago and not to scare you but my stepmom was dealing wiith a lot of the things you're talking about. She went and stayed with a friend after they'd been fighting and that's when he did it. Have the police get over there. If he goes to jail or the psyc ward then at least he can't hurt himself or anyone else.Plus you need to be in your home, where your little one feels safest. If he's taken away he will also be made to get help which is what he desperatly needs.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck and peace.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck and peace.
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The other posters have said it all.
1) Call the police and have them go check things out. If this is just a threat, going over yourself is falling right into the emotional trap he's laying out.
2) DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! Whether he does or doesn't actually carry through with this, he wants you to blame yourself for his trauma. He wants you to go through hell over this. Don't let him abuse you like this, because that's exactly what he's doing - this is just one more form of emotional abuse...a particularly sick one, imo. My ex was a master at it - I was responsible for all his emotional problems, and it was up to me to fix them...and he put me through hell for failing. Eventually, I figured out where the responsibility for dealing with his problems was - on his shoulders. Your partner has the same problem going on - he wants you to take the responsibility for his emotional health. It is not your responsibility and if he does carry through with this, it is not your fault!
3) If he does kill himself, put your dd into counselling immediately - I'm sure you already know that, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm not sure how old she is, but kids sometimes blame themselves for things that are absolutely not their fault. (For what it's worth, my FIL's dad suicided when my FIL was 13. He's grown into a very strong, healthy person and a loving husband and father...and I think he's happy. Even though it's hard to watch our children go through these things, they aren't necessarily going to be utterly destroyed by them.)
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1) Call the police and have them go check things out. If this is just a threat, going over yourself is falling right into the emotional trap he's laying out.
2) DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! Whether he does or doesn't actually carry through with this, he wants you to blame yourself for his trauma. He wants you to go through hell over this. Don't let him abuse you like this, because that's exactly what he's doing - this is just one more form of emotional abuse...a particularly sick one, imo. My ex was a master at it - I was responsible for all his emotional problems, and it was up to me to fix them...and he put me through hell for failing. Eventually, I figured out where the responsibility for dealing with his problems was - on his shoulders. Your partner has the same problem going on - he wants you to take the responsibility for his emotional health. It is not your responsibility and if he does carry through with this, it is not your fault!
3) If he does kill himself, put your dd into counselling immediately - I'm sure you already know that, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm not sure how old she is, but kids sometimes blame themselves for things that are absolutely not their fault. (For what it's worth, my FIL's dad suicided when my FIL was 13. He's grown into a very strong, healthy person and a loving husband and father...and I think he's happy. Even though it's hard to watch our children go through these things, they aren't necessarily going to be utterly destroyed by them.)
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