[tireesix]

I don't know where else to put this but I need to write it because I see so many people posting on various sites about the selfishness of those who try to commit suicide and how could they? and these kind of things. It makes me feel awful inside.<br><br>
I spend most days battling suicidal thoughts. I have no reason for them to be there, they just are. I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have a DH who has also attempted suicide (so I know how it is to be on the other side as well).<br><br>
I didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this, I have done everything I can to not be like this, and as of yet, no cigars. It looks like it was just the way I was born. It doesn't matter how happy I am, I still get these thoughts intruding throughout the day. It doesn't matter what antidepressants or combiination of antidepressants I am on, the thoughts still manage to slip through the net.<br><br>
They cause me a great deal of pain, angst and sadness that I cannot be like other people and sometimes, suicide seems like a good idea just to rid me of my thoughts.<br><br>
People often say 'wee never knew they were planning to do this'...... I never planned to attempt suicide, I didn't wake up one day and think 'this is a good idea, I am going to do this on such and such a day and do it this way'....... Every attempt I made was spur of the moment (probably a good reason for the failure rate I have).<br><br>
While one of these moments is happening, i think that I am not being selfish at all, these people would be so much better off without me, I am so worthless, whats the point? Having been there and done that, I know that these people aren't doing these things because they are being selfish, there is so much more going on than that.<br><br>
When my DH attempted suicide, it made me very sad, but all I could think was that if he is in that much pain, maybe he is better off????? He pulled through and I am glad that it didn't work out the way he wanted, but I would never have viewed him as selfish if he had succeeded, but maybe thats becausee of my own experience with my personal demons.<br><br>
I don't attempt suicide anymore, these days I recognise thesee feelings as just being a part of me, something I have to learn to live with even though it is so incredibly hard some days, when there are not only the feelings but the images of me dead, the thoughts of how I would like my funeral to be etc etc.......... Its just so hard.<br><br>
Like I said, I really didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this and I have done eeverything I can to not be like this, so I guess it just really upsets me when people who haven't ever been where I am can judge someone like me. Until you spend a day in my shoes, or the shoes of somebody like me, please don't judge me.<br><br>
i just hope this post doesn't offend anyone.

 

[frontierpsych]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I couldn't read and not respond. I have been there. I have had a few suicide attempts-- one came very close to being successful. I know how pervasive the thoughts are, and I know there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to make you feel differently. People who have never suffered from depression do not seem to understand that you can't just "snap out of it" or "cheer up". It is sad to hear comments like those. I have a friend who has suffered from depression her whole life whose dad does not believe in depression. She gets these kind of comments as well. I think what has helped me most is to constantly keep myself inspired, have something to strive for. The thoughts are the most pervasive it seems when I feel I am of no use to anyone. HTH, hang in there!

 

[chaoticzenmom]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Another reason not to follow through with suicide. Children of people who have committed suicide have a very high rate of committing suicide themselves.<br><br>
I think you should keep trying. Keep trying new medicines, accept that you're depressed, but go to talk therapy, try to go about your day somehow. I've only been depressed once for awhile and I remember how overwhelming it was. I'm not trying to trivialize what you're going through at all. When I came out of the depression, it was an amazing feeling.<br><br>
Write down a list of things to live for. Put it on an index card and keep that index card in your pocket at all times. Go see a psychiatrist and keep trying new psychiatrists until one feels right. Get some sun, go to a tanning bed if you can.<br><br>
I'm sure that other people will have better advice and good numbers to call. I hope you listen and try some things, even if they seem like they won't work.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Lisa

 

[forthebest]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am sorry you are feeling so down and I for one don't think it's 'selfish' to commit suicide. I think it's desperataly sad that people feel so down that they do it. I suffer depression and have thought about killing myself many times. I am not worthless even tho I think it and neither are you. Yes the intruding thoughts are awful and I am now trying to accept my darker thoughts/times/self. I was never going to be one of those happy people, life has always been a struggle, fear still visits me daily, I don't have an answer to these problems but I try not to beat myself up about it any more( I'm 40).There's nothing wrong with the sort of person you are, you are an individual and your thoughts and feelings, however dark,sad, desperate are valid and important. I feel the fear of these feelings is of relevance, I still freak every day when it comes over me, I reckon it will never go away but as we get older it gets easier, hopefully, to deal with. I have just got used to it now. We need support and recognition of these feelings not stuff like' it's bad to feel that way' but real help in dealing with why we feel like this. I dunno,something doesn't sit right with me in this life, never has and internalising it is hard, I think there are questions/feelings that we are just not meant to have according to society so there is not much feedback or support. I think suicide is awful terrible tragedy, perhaps indeed a release for the poor folk who go there, I hope they get release anyway,it is very painful to think of someone feeling so alone and depressed as if no-one cares about them at all that is the real selfishness of this world, if only they could know people do care even if we don't know them or will never meet and could get the help they need to stay positive and work it through but I respect someone's choice to do what they see fit but I doubt anybody commits suicide out of selfishness more like desperation. Learning the tools of survival can take some time but it's worth it.

 

[tireesix]

thats just it though....<br><br>
i get sun, I have tried numeerous medications and keep trying new ones, I have been sectioned, have tried numerous counsellors and psychiatrists, I exercise daily and while I do have days when I feel dedpressed, I am actually not depressed (I did write another post not so long ago about my extreme mood swings I can be very high for a while or very very low), but it doesn't matter how I am feeling, I still get these thoughts. As of yet, over 13 years f trying to find answers, no one has been able to come up with any.<br><br>
I have had a years break away from psychiatric things because I needed it. I got fed up of people telling me how I was feeling despite the fact that I know how I am feeling and I am able to articulate it (ie I say I am irritable, they say I am anxious, I know how anxious feels and I definitely wasn't anxious, I was irritable.... Otherwise You are feeling depressed, no, I feel really, really happy today, no, you are feeling depressed, no, I feel fine). However, I heading back to psychiatry again for a last ditch attempt at finding out what is causing this.<br><br>
Seriously I am not depressed. I havee had a very up and down week with my moods but having been depressed before, I know for a fact that I am not depressed now, this is something else.<br><br>
Today, I could have skipped to the moon back because of the joy in my heart, it has been a beautiful, my children have had a great day, I have been out and about, done my exercise, planning my future and enjoyed being alive but it hasn't stopped the thoughts suddenly creeping in. I have been smiling, laughing and joking, something I am quite incapable of doing when I am depressed.<br><br>
I even have memories of being in kindergarted aged about 3 or 4 with these feeelings, I just didn't understand them then. I have never, ever felt 'right'........ I have always felt kind of broken on the inside. (I really hope future employers don't read this lol cos I really need a job but I also need to express how I feel tee hee hee).<br><br>
I just hope my appointmeent for psychiatry comes through soon to see if we can get any closer to finding out what is going on.<br><br>
I would just like to add though, that even though I have these feelings, I can happily say for now, that suicide is not on my agenda. I am stronger now, its just that sometimes I need a little peace but hopefully they will find meds that will help me with that.<br><br>
With a DH that loves me and 2 wonderful DDs, I have everything tto live for. I could just do without these thoughts and feelings.<br><br>
Thankyou.

 

[tammyswanson]

I didn't attempt suicide, but have been very close to it at times during my life. While pregnant I wrote a suicide note and was going to do it, I just hadn't figured out which method to try. I didn't do it however, because of my family, especially my mom. If I didn't have people that I loved and cared about me, I would have killed myself. Sometimes the pain is so great you just can't stand it. I am glad I didn't do it though, I was worried that if I tried it and didn't succeed that I would hurt my baby, which also kept me from doing it, since no method is foolproof. I didn't want to hurt him because of my choice. I figured out that if I still felt this way after he was born I could do it then. I went thru some postpartum mood swings where I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to be alone, but it felt 'different' somehow. Like weirdly enough it was like I couldn't control my emotions but I didn't feel like I was out of control. I didn't feel suicidal that I could remember.<br><br>
It is possible that you have another illness instead of post partum depression though, you could have a type of schizophrenia.<br><br>
Please look below for more information or help. Please don't give up, your kids don't want to grow up without you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> Me, I wouldn't trust anyone to raise my son.<br><br><br>
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention<br>
888.333.AFSP (2377) (This is not a crisis hotline.)<br><a href="http://www.afsp.org" target="_blank">www.afsp.org</a><br><br>
Metanoia Communications<br><a href="http://www.metanoia.org/suicide" target="_blank">www.metanoia.org/suicide</a><br><br>
Suicide Hotlines.com<br>
800.SUICIDE (784.2433)<br><a href="http://www.suicidehotlines.com" target="_blank">www.suicidehotlines.com</a>

 

[tireesix]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>forthebest</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10282949"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I dunno,something doesn't sit right with me in this life, never has and internalising it is hard, I think there are questions/feelings that we are just not meant to have according to society so there is not much feedback or support.</div>
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Thats part of what I feel, not that its wrong for me to be alive but I am not supposed to be here at this moment in time. I was born at the wrong time, in the wrong place and have never been able to settle into life or find my way and everything has been a battle. Its so weird but few people understand what I am saying lol.<br><br>
Or maybe, if is true that we have past lives, maybe I just never gave up my old one, maybe I am just forever caught somewhere between this time and that time (this kinda makes sense to me even though I am not really into this kinda thing).

 

[forthebest]

Tireesix, your last post makes so much sense, I also feel these feelings when I am not depressed, the moodswings, the intruding thoughts, never feeling quite right! You are not alone! Thankyou for acknowledging and articulating this stuff cos I am very confused with these feelings too and it is upsetting and unnerving and I also have much to live for, 3 amazing dc and a love of many things. I hope things improve for you, it gets very wearing dealing with this.

 

[forthebest]

Tammy that is so awful<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am glad you are feeling a bit better, dreadful to feel that bad, I'm so glad you made it through that. Tireesix I can relate to what you are saying, yes, past life maybe. I go from feeling very powerful to really nothingy. Dreadful moodswings, very fearful and panicky, then blissful joy,so stressful.I often feel I was around a long or not so long time ago or maybe even the future. I used to feel quite other worldly as a teenager, thinking stuff before it happens etc, very connected with nature, only happy in very green places with no-one else around,totally disconnected from the modern world,the magnetic poles played havoc with me for years, physically very frightening, at least to me anyway. I also would like some answers, am fed up with the daily terror of feeling so disconnected.

 

[tammyswanson]

Forthebest, thanks sweetie! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
It's funny how you and Tireesix mentioned the previous life thing. When I was going through the mental struggle whether to really do it this time or not, the thought popped into my head, "I wonder if I killed myself in one of my past lives". I then started considering that maybe I had, and that is why I still have these feelings about it at present. Like I have to 'get past' my former actions, or karma or whatever.<br><br>
I had originally come to post some things I had found, it's a quick quiz on schizophrenia and bipolar feelings, sort of an analysis to help find out if you have the affliction or not. Hope it may be of some help.<br><br>
Here they are if you are interested: <a href="http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm</a><br><a href="http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/schizophrenia.htm" target="_blank"><br>
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/schizophrenia.htm</a>

 

[tireesix]

Awwwww Tammy, hugs to you.<br><br>
Thankyou for the tests, I always score high on bi polar (which I haven't been diagnosed with but being reasessed soon so we shall see).

 

[ankh]

My boyfriend killed himself ten years ago, I tried and luckily failed. I hear you on these thoughts, they come and go. I know I will never act upon them, but they are there.<br><br>
One thing that has made it a little more bearable for me is to accept these thoughts, feelings and images. I know, as do you, that we have so much to be here for, and who knows what happens when you die right?<br><br>
I now let these feelings in, study them and somehow it has made it easier to cope with, they are coming less and less. When I freak out about them and think "Oh my god I am a total nut case" it gets worse, by accepting these thoughts as just thoughts, it seems to take away their power.<br><br>
Hope I explained that properly<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Keep posting, getting it all out is <b>good.</b>

 

[mamaboobaAES]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tireesix</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10282372"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know where else to put this but I need to write it because I see so many people posting on various sites about the selfishness of those who try to commit suicide and how could they? and these kind of things. It makes me feel awful inside.<br><br>
I spend most days battling suicidal thoughts. I have no reason for them to be there, they just are. I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have a DH who has also attempted suicide (so I know how it is to be on the other side as well).<br><br>
I didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this, I have done everything I can to not be like this, and as of yet, no cigars. It looks like it was just the way I was born. It doesn't matter how happy I am, I still get these thoughts intruding throughout the day. It doesn't matter what antidepressants or combiination of antidepressants I am on, the thoughts still manage to slip through the net.<br><br>
They cause me a great deal of pain, angst and sadness that I cannot be like other people and sometimes, suicide seems like a good idea just to rid me of my thoughts.<br><br>
People often say 'wee never knew they were planning to do this'...... I never planned to attempt suicide, I didn't wake up one day and think 'this is a good idea, I am going to do this on such and such a day and do it this way'....... Every attempt I made was spur of the moment (probably a good reason for the failure rate I have).<br><br>
While one of these moments is happening, i think that I am not being selfish at all, these people would be so much better off without me, I am so worthless, whats the point? Having been there and done that, I know that these people aren't doing these things because they are being selfish, there is so much more going on than that.<br><br>
When my DH attempted suicide, it made me very sad, but all I could think was that if he is in that much pain, maybe he is better off????? He pulled through and I am glad that it didn't work out the way he wanted, but I would never have viewed him as selfish if he had succeeded, but maybe thats becausee of my own experience with my personal demons.<br><br>
I don't attempt suicide anymore, these days I recognise thesee feelings as just being a part of me, something I have to learn to live with even though it is so incredibly hard some days, when there are not only the feelings but the images of me dead, the thoughts of how I would like my funeral to be etc etc.......... Its just so hard.<br><br>
Like I said, I really didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this and I have done eeverything I can to not be like this, so I guess it just really upsets me when people who haven't ever been where I am can judge someone like me. Until you spend a day in my shoes, or the shoes of somebody like me, please don't judge me.<br><br>
i just hope this post doesn't offend anyone.</div>
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I went through the same thing when I was on ZOloft - thoughts like if I do this now (kill my child and myself) then I won't have to worry about coping with these thoughts for the rest of my life.<br><br>
Have you tried Omega 3? A recent study showed that for those with bipolar disorder 14 tabs of Omega 3 a day was enough to basically cure their problems. Omega 3 depletes tryptophan thereby lowering your serotonin which you need if you have taken antidepressants.<br><br>
Also megadoses of Vitamin C and also take more Vitamin B - if you are on meds your body is being depleted of these.<br><br>
Suicidal thinking is a known effect of antidepressants. See <a href="http://www.drugawareness.org" target="_blank">www.drugawareness.org</a> for help getting off.<br>
Please do not stop cold turkey.<br>
I hope you feel better.

 

[mamaboobaAES]

Also please make sure whatever your do (your tag antibiotis make me woozy) that you are not mixing certain medications, this can lead to serotonin syndrome which can be fatal (Anna Nicole). Cold meds with dextromethorphan and most pain killers will interact and shoot your serotonin levels even higher. Also migraine meds, some antibiotics, Tamiflu, etc.<br><br>
MY SIL used to be taking Concerta and Wellbutrin, just one dose of Tylenol cold was enough to make her feel drunk and then pass out, an early sign of serotonin syndrome. Also nutrasweet is an SSRI so avoid that.

 

[papercranegirl]

I don't have anything useful to add but just wanted to offer you support. I've had bouts of persistant suicidal thoughts and know how difficult it can be. The last thing you need to add to that is guilt. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to live.

 

[tireesix]

Thankyou all.......<br><br>
I have suffered thses thoughts whether on antidepressants or not, so I am sure the antidepressants aren't causing them but could be making them worsee. My GP is currently weaning me off my current Anti Ds so wwe can explore some other drugs as well.<br><br>
I shall look into the Omega oils so thankyou for that!!!!!

 

[gwerydd]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">: i think i understand how you feel. i have had suicidal thoughts for much of my life, i think starting around when i was 12. i have never seriously tried although i was a self harmer for quite a few years. i'm on medication and while that has really helped the intrusive thoughts towards my child i still have a lot of suicidal thoughts. i don't want to do it and i have no plans to but it's something i think about a lot. i get them several times a day at least, whether i'm feeling depressed or not. i'm not really sure how to articulate what i want to say but your posts definately resonated with me.

 

[Laggie]

If it gives you any hope (and I hope that it does) I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time. I attempted suicide at age 19 during an episode of delusions and paranoia that was the culmination of a serious depression. For YEARS afterwards I would always think about jumping of bridges, swerving in front of oncoming trucks, things like that.<br><br>
I also never felt that I had dealt with, or found a cause for, the psychiatric problems I had. It took me years to come to terms with it all. I'm 33 now and I just don't have those thoughts anymore. I think it's partly just learning to accept who I am, that has allowed me to move on from feeling 'on the edge' all the time.<br><br>
I also have found omega 3 oils to help a lot. You do need large doses though, I put 2 tablespoons of flax oil in a smoothie every morning and also try to eat fish and grass fed beef whenever I can. I also find that taking plenty of vitamins (B and C mainly) and cod liver oil, plus exercise, are helpful. I think that doing these things are part of loving oneself, and that is the most important thing.

 

[Right of Passage]

Your post really has me thinking. I don't normally read this board, well I never have actually. I automatically think suicide=selfish. I think that more so stems from what my mother told me about my father's suicide
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than me finding my own opinion on it. My dad suffered for years with addiction, when he seeked help they basically laughed in his face and told him he wasn't addicted. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I truley believe his life ending was a good thing, I believe he is at peace now, and without his life ending mine could have been so much worse.<br><br>
I've also tried to kill myself, twice. Ended up in a mental hospital at the ripe ol' age of 14. I never got great care as far as counseling and finding the right drugs. Self injury seemed to be my "treatment." It's only now that I realize I have a severe anxiety problem (seeing dr Feb 8th). I also stuggle almost daily with these terrible thoughts that manage to creep in. If I'm gone then I wouldn't be around to screw up my kids, my husband wouldn't have to take my needy phone calls while at work, etc, etc.<br><br>
Part of me says suicide is terribly selfish, and another part says it's equally selfless. The sacrifice that is being made for other people. Thankfully I now know to talk about it, and get it out before it does become something that I want to act upon. I want to offer you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">. Please know that I don't think you're selfish for your thoughts Katie. It's obivious from previous posters, that there are kind people out there that get it. Thank goodness for them!<br><br>
I hope I don't offend or hurt with this post.

 

[tireesix]

Thankyou everyone for being so understanding, thankyou tto those who have let me know that I am not alone and not completely crazy and thankyou to those who choose to look at it from both sides.<br><br>
Today has been a bad day, I am about to go take some herbal calming tablets, forgotten what they are but I need them today. I hate taking anything until I have completed a days exercise which I am totally obsessive about these days. It helps with the feelings. I work myself hard too lol (60 squats, 60 crunches, 2 hours stepping, 60 hamstring lifts, 2 lots of callanetic exercises, 60 press ups, 60 dips, stretches and loadsa hand gripping exercises plus using a power ball, I am currently training for a particular job, I just hope after all this hard work I actually get it).<br><br>
Why was today bad??? Intrrusive thoughts, incredibly irritable, I had to keep moving, I am so tired right now, I have barely sat down today because each time I sit down I need to get up again, I guess I am feeling twitchy...... Yesterday I was on a high, today I am like this. I just cannot keep up with it, I cannot relax with it because no matter how hard I try to control it, it just doesn't happen. I feel like a yo yo. Exercise is the only way to escape...... Damn, I am being requested lol...........