Mothering Forum banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
XH made a grown up decision! It's a semi-miracle. We're finally getting regular mid-week overnights. It's taken two+ yrs to get here. And keeping the same, reliable night mostly. I kind of made him almost cry a few weeks ago with a carefully targeted guilt trip. He's a good guy at heart, just a crappy husband. Making him realize he's blowing off his kid unintentionally usually brings out Super Dad for a couple of months.<br><br>
We tried to confirm Thursday...the new standing weeknight. He said he had a meeting and would have to reschedule. We're out of town this weekend so I said that just leaves tomorrow night. And then the miracle happened...he said Thursday was back on! He kept his commitment to DS! He did not blow him off for a meeting.<br><br>
If you need me, I'm over here dead of shock. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>That's great!  My ex always tells me he likes time to himself and other ridiculousness like needing a nap cause he worked all day- most men work all day and still see their kids. IDIOT.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Glad he is stepping it up!!!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/t/1349738/super-dad-rides-again-watch-for-flying-pigs#post_16935576" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Mom31</strong> <a href="/community/t/1349738/super-dad-rides-again-watch-for-flying-pigs#post_16935576"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p>That's great!  My ex always tells me he likes time to himself and other ridiculousness like needing a nap cause he worked all day- most men work all day and still see their kids. IDIOT.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Glad he is stepping it up!!!</p>
</div>
</div>
<br>
Yeah, he hasn't dared pull that because he knows that I never use sitters, so when I'm not at work, I have DS.<br><br>
Like I said...at heart he's a good guy. His dad used to cancel on him all the time. XFIL told me that when XH was a kid he'd wait and wait for his real dad to show up all packed and insisting he was still coming. When the dad would finally call with an excuse, XH would defend him...he'd repeat the excuse to everyone. That kept up for a few yrs until he came to hate his dad. Didn't even go to his funeral. So XH knows how it feels to be that kid. It takes work to keep him focused though...so this was a big thing!!<br><br>
I try to pick my battles, but that one was worth having.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
<p>That is great! It's nice to know that the kind of dad he had is not the kind of dad he wants to be. It's sad that any kid has to suffer like that, but it's great to see it's not a pattern that necessarily tends to repeat itself. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/t/1349738/super-dad-rides-again-watch-for-flying-pigs#post_16935597" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/t/1349738/super-dad-rides-again-watch-for-flying-pigs#post_16935597"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br>
That is great! It's nice to know that the kind of dad he had is not the kind of dad he wants to be. It's sad that any kid has to suffer like that, but it's great to see it's not a pattern that necessarily tends to repeat itself. </div>
</div>
<br>
Well...he has two kids from his first marriage (19 & 17) that were adopted by their stepdad. Guess how that one played out? So he knows he's prone to getting caught up in circumstances and flaking out. He hasn't seen them in 15 yrs. It's easier to push the right buttons when he really truly knows what's at stake from both sides.<br><br>
But he does want to be a good dad. That helps when he really means it and doesn't just put on a show.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<p>Perk...last night DS and I were talking about that Daddy would pick him up from school.  Since he was there for the conversation the other night where XH tried to reschedule then stayed with the original plan, I decided to seize the opportunity.  He's so used to be rescheduled for anything that comes along.  So I told him:  "DS, did you notice?  Daddy had a meeting tomorrow night and he's cancelling it so he can do a sleepover with you because he wants to see you!!"  DS tried to play cool, but had a big huge grin and happy wiggle.  He totally gets what a win this is. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>:)  I decided to do a little positive reinforcement and sent XH a text:</p>
<p>"Clothes at the school.  Remember school is closed tomorrow, so just bring him back to my house in the morning.  Also...thanks for keeping the date and not cancelling.  W heard the whole conversation is is very very happy that you prioritized him over the meeting.  It was a pretty big deal."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's possible he'll take it as a guilt-poke.  But hopefully, he'll see it how it's meant.  Acknowledging that he made the right decision, and that DS noticed and is glad.  And, if he takes it as a guilt-poke, that's his own baggage.  :p</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<p>That's awesome. It's easy to get wrapped up in how much our exes such (and hoo boy, do a lot of them suck). It's nice when they prioritize their own kids sometimes.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,186 Posts
<p>Yea for this win!!! I hope it sticks. I think sbx sees it as cancelling on me, not on the kids. I might have to follow your example and do a guilt trip on him.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<p>He didn't ever respond.  So he probably thinks I'm being condescending.  :p </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whatever.  But yeah...Hilly, it's WAY easier to beat it into his head that he's canceling on the kid, not me, when he's got the history he does with his own dad!!! </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
DS told me he told his dad he'd heard the convo and was glad his dad canceled the meeting. I think that ought to help hammer home the idea. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<p>Holy crap!!!  I was being mildy naggy and texted ex if he had ideas for dates for his two 1-week visits with DS.  He's never ever responded about that so I just tend to throw it out there every month or so.  He replied back that he's trying to arrange it and wondered if I'd be ok trying for 2 weeks straight to see how DS would do. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He's being a grown-up!  I only texted again today because I was sick of choosing my battles based on his anticipated excuses.  He's been actively working on this--and if he'd ever mentioned that, I wouldn't keep bugging him about it.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not sure 2 weeks will work since DS hasn't ever been away from me for that long.  But ex is trying to get it set so that he can leave work at 5 every night (no late shifts) so DS would be in his normal routine during the day.  The most time ex has spent alone with DS is last summer when they were in Texas for a long weekend and then I had the baby the day they got back so he had DS two extra nights that week until I got out of the hospital. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm guessing that getting told by his kid that he did a good job keeping his overnight instead of the meeting made an impression.  Maybe he realizes that I'm not bugging him about this stuff for my own health. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ZoeyZoo</strong> <a href="/community/t/1349738/super-dad-rides-again-now-with-signs-of-the-apocolypse#post_16942691"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>I hope he can keep this up.</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><br><p>Me too.  Even though I doubt DS will tolerate two weeks, it's a good precedent that he's even trying!  It involved thinking outside the box a little (nothing I wouldn't have suggested, but I'm trying not to spoon feed him life choices).  I drove home from work day-dreaming about actually having time for a kid-free vacation some day!!!</p>
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top