Take the Child's Perspective, toddler commandments part 2

sapphire_chan · 2010-02-18

this is part 2 of a 14 part sequence. http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1194760 check here for the link to the original article and a link to the thread about commandment #1 Quote: Take the child's perspective. Sure it's hard to be a parent, but it can be a lot harder to be a kid. We don't mean to make children feel foolish or unsupported, but that's just what happens when we trivialize their fears or tears by saying "shhh, you're ok," or "don't be so upset," etc.

sapphire_chan

Discussion Starter · #2 · Feb 18, 2010

This one reminds me of dh's basic parenting philosophy, "kids are people."

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Wild Lupine

· #3 · Feb 18, 2010

Can someone explain why this isn't taking the child's perspective?

"shhh, you're ok,"

Let me explain- I say this a lot. Sometimes there will be a noise outside, like a car backfiring and one of the kids will get frightened. I often say the above to reassure them that there's no danger. I will also say what the sound was and that it must have been scary or startling, and hold them if they are particularly distressed. But saying 'shh you're OK' seems to reassure them in a way my explanation doesn't. Doesn't taking the child's perspective also include reassuring them they are OK/safe if they are worried about being in danger?

Not being argumentative, but looking for someone to enlighten me about this one.

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sapphire_chan

Discussion Starter · #4 · Feb 18, 2010

Because you're telling them something you can't actually know. Really, in the example you shared, I think you're just fine, but people will use it at utterly idiotic times. Like the kid just fell down a couple stairs: "shh, don't cry, you're fine!"

I try to ask "did that surprise you?" if she seems startled but unhurt and "it hurts now, but it will feel better in a bit" when she's definitely hurt.

But I'll also say "it's okay, it's just XYZ" when she's startled by something like the sound of the vacuum cleaner or a car driving by. I think that's different though, that's not me telling her how to feel about something, that's me reassuring her that there isn't some strange new scary thing in the world. It isn't okay because I'm an adult and I say so, it's okay because it's something she can be shown is okay. (And if she's still upset, she gets held and hugged and supported and/or moved away if possible)

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Wild Lupine

· #5 · Feb 18, 2010

OK, I get it. The same words can be used different ways. Saying 'You're OK' instead of validating and comforting is very different from saying it in a reassuring tone along with validating and comforting. I totally get how disrespectful that would be. Thanks!

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mamazee

· #6 · Feb 19, 2010

I think this is about issues that seem trivial to us as adults, but in the world of a child can be huge. I remember how embarrassed I'd get over tiny things as a child, but how big they seemed at that age. And how a teenage romance breaking up seemed like the end of the world, or showing up with two different shoes on made me feel humiliated and like I never wanted to go to school again. Not toddler examples, but toddlers also have their own fears and issues that are different from ours as adults, and what seems like no big deal to us might be huge to them.

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sapphire_chan

Discussion Starter · #7 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

OK, I get it. The same words can be used different ways. Saying 'You're OK' instead of validating and comforting is very different from saying it in a reassuring tone along with validating and comforting. I totally get how disrespectful that would be. Thanks!

And that's a much better way to put it.

You use it for "you're safe and I'm here for you" while other people use it for "I don't want to bother with you."

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Wild Lupine

· #8 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee

I think this is about issues that seem trivial to us as adults, but in the world of a child can be huge. I remember how embarrassed I'd get over tiny things as a child, but how big they seemed at that age. And how a teenage romance breaking up seemed like the end of the world, or showing up with two different shoes on made me feel humiliated and like I never wanted to go to school again. Not toddler examples, but toddlers also have their own fears and issues that are different from ours as adults, and what seems like no big deal to us might be huge to them.

Right, great examples. Especially teen romances, they can so often be trivialized, but the feelings are so very deep and intense. I read somewhere that loss is loss, and a child losing their favorite toy can just as heartbreaking to the child as a king losing their kingdom.

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