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So dd is 10 months now, and I've been lurking on this forum, knowing I wanted to try to use GD in my relationship with her. My husband agrees, and we're anti-corporal punishment and pro-effort types. (Or try to be all of the time.) DD has started to throw these fits though, when we take something away from her. I always try to have something else she can play with or put in her mouth or whatever. My dh, though, *I* think is teaching her a bad habit. Here's what happens, dd plays with something she shouldn't have, dh takes it away, dd starts to scream and cry, dh gives it back. *I* think he should give her something immediately she can play with. However, I know there are situations that can't happen, but isn't that something she just has to get used to? I mean, shouldn't he just kind of let her cry and scream, acknowledging how she feels and comforting her, but nonetheless staying firm on keeping the item away from her?<br><br>
Again, I'm new here, and dd is still young, but I have to start now right?? Thanks for any help.
 

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if it was worth taking away in the first place (either dangerous or something she might ruin) than it shouldn't be given back to her just because she cries. I agree with the replacing the item with something else ("ooo thaat's dangerous here let's trade"), but also maybe try baby proofing a little more so ther are less things around that she can't play with. Dh should assume she will throw a fit and ask himself if its worth it before he takes something away, especially if he's just going to give it back when she cries. Maybe sometimes you guys could just sit right next to her showing her how to be gentle with the object and how to use it appropriately instead of taking it away. She would probably then get bored and move on to something else on her own. (this works better with something like the tv remote, rather than say a chopping knife)<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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we always offer an explanation why we are taking things away, and we always offer a chance to hand over, or put away the offending item. Like we tell DS hey that isn't good to eat it would be better to throw it in the trash... which he will happily do. (We did this from a very young age and still have good results at 23m)<br><br>
Even if you feel silly telling your 10 month old about how baby fingers conduct electricity or how sharp things can make their mouth bleed and possibly lead to infection, it is very important to me to do something with my kids instead of to them. Usually at that young of an age, we tend to just use something super interesting to distract and "trade" for the item.<br><br>
If the item is safe enough to be given back, then in my opinion it shouldn't have been taken away in the first place... I would work on really evaluating if it matters if the baby chews on your pen or whatever before you decide to take things away. Requiring the extra effort of comming up with a sound explanation and a suitable replacement is a nice reminder to "evaluate before you confiscate".
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junipermuse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8147739"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">if it was worth taking away in the first place (either dangerous or something she might ruin) than it shouldn't be given back to her just because she cries. I agree with the replacing the item with something else ("ooo thaat's dangerous here let's trade"), but also maybe <b>try baby proofing a little more so ther are less things around that she can't play with.</b> Dh should assume she will throw a fit and ask himself if its worth it before he takes something away, especially if he's just going to give it back when she cries. Maybe sometimes you guys could just sit right next to her showing her how to be gentle with the object and how to use it appropriately instead of taking it away. She would probably then get bored and move on to something else on her own. (this works better with something like the tv remote, rather than say a chopping knife)<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"></div>
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ITA especially the bolded part which I did <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> She won't have impulse control for quite some time so better to head off the situation rather than have it escalate.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/offtopic.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="offtopic"> ShaggyDaddy I love the quote in your sig!
 

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I think this is a problem with the parents not the baby. I agree- either it's something she can have or not. I found myself taking away things at first that really she could have had. I think most things in your house a baby can explore with supervision.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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I agree that you need to baby-proof. Also, she is still little enough that if you distract you can get her re-focused on something she CAN have. It is so much easier to distract her when she is this age than when she turns 3! One thing that I did for my little boy that was a huge hit was to make one cabinet in the kitchen HIS. I put pots and pans, wooden spoons, tupperware, measuring cups and measuring spoons, and other types of kitchen things that he could pull out and bang around to his heart's content. Put baby locks on the rest of the drawers and cabinets and let her explore!
 

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I don't think it's a big deal at all for your dh to "change his mind" based on the information given (ie- your dd has given very clear info that she REALLY wants x). Especially at 10 months old.<br>
If you are worried about setting a bad precedent, then ask your dh to say something like- "I changed my mind. You can keep it." or "I didn't realize it mattered that much to you. It's not a big deal to me."<br><br>
Now, that's just for things that aren't dangerous, of course. For things that were dangerous, on thing that used to help (though ds was a bit older- like 15 mos, maybe) was to ask him to help me put it where it belonged.<br><br>
Another idea, is to replace what you are taking, with something that serves the same purpose/honors the same impulse. So if you are taking away a block because she's banging it on the window, give her a washcloth to wipe the window with. kwim? Don't just replace it with something that has no relation to her original impulse.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8148183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think it's a big deal at all for your dh to "change his mind" based on the information given (ie- your dd has given very clear info that she REALLY wants x). Especially at 10 months old.<br>
If you are worried about setting a bad precedent, then ask your dh to say something like- "I changed my mind. You can keep it." or "I didn't realize it mattered that much to you. It's not a big deal to me."</div>
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Changing ones mind occasionally is fine, even good for a child to see flexibility. When it is everytime she throws a fit though it is teaching her that is how she gets what she wants. It would be better to not take the item from her in the first place unless absolutely neccessary.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8148183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Another idea, is to replace what you are taking, with something that serves the same purpose/honors the same impulse. So if you are taking away a block because she's banging it on the window, give her a washcloth to wipe the window with. kwim? Don't just replace it with something that has no relation to her original impulse.</div>
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That's a GREAT idea! I love it! For the most part, our home (or at least where dd plays) is 95% baby proof. We're always watching her, so there are some places that we've left. Such as the computer station, where she likes to pull papers out of the printer, or if I accidentally leave a cup sitting on the table, etc. Things like that. I don't want her to do it, but it happens sometimes. Sometimes the papers are important, sometimes they aren't.<br><br>
Yesterday I left my Wendy's cup on the coffee table with nothing left inside, and she got a hold of it. I thought, no harm there. But all of a sudden I remembered the plastic lid that can easily tear and cut. So I took that away. She was upset for about 10 seconds, until I got her favorite book to read. There's nothing TERRIBLY dangerous in the house, nothing that will severely injure her or kill her, but even her toys can hurt her when she plays with them wrong which is where the dh issue comes in. I try to show her and tell her how to better play with a toy (instead of using the plastic hammer to bang her head which makes her cry, she should bang the plastic screws, etc.) but if she continues to use it improperly, I take it away and give her something else to bang her head with. (I liked your idea-maybe she can bang her head with an inflatable plastic hammer!)<br><br>
But sometimes she doesn't WANT the other thing, she wants the FIRST thing and that's where the battle comes in. DH caves, and I don't let her have it. I guess it's just something we'll have to work out, and he does see it from my point of view. But I know he has a weak heart for her crying, and likes to appease her as soon as possible. I'd rather fight the little battles now and have a much happier life later. Anyway. Just my thoughts. Thanks for the suggestions mamas!!
 

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You've gotten some great advice.<br><br>
My only other advice is to really THINK before you take something away. So, for example, with the hammer. That's a pretty self-limiting activity. If she hits her head and it hurts, she's not going to KEEP doing it forever, KWIM?<br><br>
So, stop and say: Is this worth going through a tantrum for? If dd is trying to run in the parking lot, you bet! If she's busy spreading lotion on her legs, nope.<br><br>
We had this same issue with dh's cell phone. He works from home and so his cell phone is ALWAYS out. Dd was in love with it. He eventually decided that it was easier simply to let her play with it and get it out of her system. No number of toy phones, dead cell phones, etc. would work. She understood the difference between real and fake! So, dh would turn it off and give it to her. If she managed to turn it on, he'd take it, turn it off and give it back. After a couple of weeks, she learned to give it back to him when it turned on. She only called 911 once! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:<br><br>
So, take a look at what your dh is giving back to her. Is it really dangerous? If so, it shouldn't have been out, and it's worth the tantrum. But since your dh is giving it back, he must be making an assessment that it's not that big of a deal. So, why remove it in the first place? Most 10 month olds don't have a huge attention span (OK, I'll confess, dd was an exception to this - she was (and is) one of the most persistent kids I know). But for most kids, you can easily scoop the item up when they're done.
 
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