Mothering Forum banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,443 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a very bright, very demanding five and a half year old. At this very point in time, he's rolling on the couch screaming "ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" because I lost it and spanked his bottom.<br><br>
I don't like spanking. I hate it. I loathe it. It's telling someone that if you are acting in a way I don't like, then it's okay to hit them.<br><br>
He is so good at pressing my buttons. And I've tried reasoning, talking, holding, everything and he just keeps going and going and going. seriously. He is the Energizer bunny of fit throwing. And, as things progress, the knots in my neck get tighter and tighter and tighter 'till the pain is almost unbearable and I can't stand it anymore and either I have to walk away or I lash out. Hence the spanking.<br><br>
He's still whining about the fact that he can't have his sister's lollypop because it's bigger than his. Well, deal with it child. He's acting like a brat. He ate his lollypop. That's why his lollypop is smaller than his sister's. I can understand that he wants something, even I can vaildate it. But it's not cool to bully his sister into giving him her lollypop.<br><br>
Of course, I could point out the fact that the lollypops in question are loaded with corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors and in general are a menace to society. It was against my better judgement to allow them to have them, but in my head I said, "Well, it's no big deal. Once in a while won't hurt." Huh. Well, put that on top of McDonald's with rootbeer that Grandma provided today and we're in hell.<br><br>
His older brother has already demonstrated what happens when you have this crud and is running around flinging things into the air.<br><br>
I wish I could say that this behavior of my five year old was abnormal, but it's usual behavior. I can't even blame it entirely on the candy and the trash food today, although it's probably affected the level of behavior. It seems to escalate when we allow this type of food into our home.<br><br>
But, Hunter is our little Emporer. "Who's going to get me water?" repeat in a high pitched whine ad nauseum. Over and over and over and over. Till someone capitulates and gets it. And it's not like he asked for it. It's not like he doesn't have access to his OWN cups to get his OWN water. OH, no, it's because he wants to control things and wants to make us jump to his tune. And I'm sorry, but in a house with seven people and two dogs, his tune isn't the only one with which we're dealing.<br><br>
GGAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,771 Posts
I'm sorry you're so stressed and frustrated!<br><br>
I'm sure you already know the cure for the water behavior (and similiar situations) -- whining and bossing means you do not get the thing you are whning and bossing for; not this time, not next time, not ever ever ever. You do not need to reason with him; you just need to say "No, because you are not asking the way we ask for favors in this family. Go get your own water or go thirsty."<br><br>
If he never gets reinforcement for being bossy, rude, and demanding, he's likely to ramp down to the point where he doesn't push you past your limits.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,714 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
i will probably get flamed for this, but i think when we become very angry or emotional we have more in common with other mammals, as we are relying on our fight or flight mechanism, and i dont think that your ds is any more traumatised by this one 'swipe' that a tiger cub would be getting a quick 'swipe' from a mother tiger who has been pushed just a little too far by her cub.<br><br>
i think regular use of spanking as a means of discipline is a world away from an extremely rare loss of control under extreme circumstances.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,143 Posts
can you take them outside?<br><br>
i know that tense lump in the throat feeling!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s bedtime is neear <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,443 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Can't take them outside. It's raining. again. Ugh. Thank you on the bedtime is near, lol. He is over it, and I've hugged him and told him how much I love him. And he knows that my love is not predicated on his behavior.<br><br>
but UGH. and I do agree with what oliversmum said. I do feel a less than human feeling at that point. I am in fight or flight. I hurt, I'm in pain and whether DS is the real cause of that pain, at that point, is immaterial. His actions do have a direct relationship to the amount of pain.<br><br>
As a friend just said to me, "He's smart. And that's what makes it hard. But, he's a sweet boy."<br><br>
It's a relief to hear he's a sweet boy from someone else. Because he IS sweet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,964 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I often feel that way about my almost 4 year old.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,295 Posts
My dd is only 3 months, BUT I'm a teacher....<br><br>
They are a pain, huh! Now don't <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: but in my world a natural consequence of complaining about sisters lolypop can be turned into a math lesson. His goes on a plate and how many licks does it take for sisters to reach the same size. When it does, he gets his lolly back. It's not taking it away... and he may scream, but it makes sense. He now knows how many licks more he had... or something.<br><br>
Hugs<br>
kim
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
311 Posts
He is smart--he knows just how to push all your buttons! This sounds familiar--I had to really crack down on my 6-year-old this year; he was getting really obnoxious. I treat him with respect, but I wasn't demanding it in return. If your child is like mine, he behaves for everybody else and tests, tests, tests YOU. I found that the only way with my kid is to be absolutely consistent, all the time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,443 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
YES! As for the math lesson, his lolly was already gone, lol. Or no, it wasn't. Eventually, he calmed down. Now he's doing something totally odd, and now I just figured it out. Sheesh. the dog got into a canopy and got stuck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> whoops.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,072 Posts
My experience is that my triggers are my responsibility and so are my reactions. I can model choosing my reactions and that is how our son will learn the same. As I give him information on how to "push mamas buttons", I give my own personal power away to my 6 year old (or my 48 year old dh). Learning to emotionally detach myself from my old triggers, so that I can <b>be in this moment</b> with my child who is learning how to react, is a practice of Myself learning how to react. I can not expect him to know perfectly, what I don't know perfectly, at 44 years old.<br><br>
Mama, it sounds like you need some way to ask for the space to walk away in the heat of the moment to provide yourself with the gentle loving you need when your triggers are pushed. I find that by saying "I need some space to calm down" creates the space without projecting responsibility for my feelings. And allows me the opportunity to walk to the kitchen sink, fill a glass of water very purposefully, and drink it, while breathing and finding my center. I recite "I am the adult. I can control myself. I am the adult. I can control myself."<br><br>
This moment of validation helps to nurture the little girl whose triggers are being pushed. And then I can B-R-E-A-T-H-E and collect myself and be in this moment, rather than be reacting to triggers of the past. It feels very empowering to be able to choose my reactions to the triggers of my past. Basically, the urge to strike out is one of feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and out of options (backed into a corner). The need to flee is for self-preservation and based in fear and past painful experiences, ime. You can create a space for being in the present as an empowered, self-aware and self-controlled adult. Personal counseling helped me to find that space of feeling <b>safe</b> with my own reactions to my past.<br><br>
Hope that helps.<br><br>
Pat
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,048 Posts
That was a beautiful post, Pat <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/happytears.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="happytears">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,108 Posts
We go through this.<br>
ALL the freakin' time with my five year old.<br>
Our diet is less than stellar, so I too swing between guilt and rage lol.<br>
I know exacally what you're going through.<br>
Now....deep sigh.....<br>
Here's the thing.<br>
I have a 13 year old who did this, and we let it go and we let it go. Mainly because I felt that it must be something I was doing wrong-and she'd had a hard childhood etc...etc. You know how that spirals out of control.<br>
So, now that she's older it's total hell with her. She's running away and I wish we would not have let it get to this point with her.<br>
Onto my five year old.<br>
She's now copying her older sister.<br>
And everyday when I have to dress her for school she throws the biggest fit I've EVER seen in my life. Every day. She wants to wear a tank top in the snow-that kind of thing.<br>
I put my foot down with her. It took two days of hardcore discipline. Something utterly foreign to me. And she's good now. She's centered and peaceful. The two days worth of effort were worth it. When she would freak out, I'd put her on my bed AND LEAVE HER THERE until she was centered. It was a loooong time lol.<br>
Each time she'd get out of control, I'd follow through.<br>
I know this is parenting one o' one, but it's new to me lol.<br>
I'd heard it, but didn't think it would work for us, or that I had the energy to do it. Turns out-it takes way less energy, and I can get the kids off my back now when I need them to be. They are normal people instead of monsters.<br>
And yea....I don't spank. EVER -but Loo got one the other day too.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br>
So don't feel too terrible about it. (Yea right lol.)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,443 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Thank you all for your responses. WuWei, you hit on something there that I've been working on. Who is the adult here? I am. I am responsible for my own actions. And, acting as such, it will show him that he is responsible for his.<br><br>
Tonight, he started with the "Who is going to put medicine on my chest?!" ( he has a stuffy nose) I "modelled" back to him "Mama would you put medicine on my chest?" He wouldn't do it. And every time he demaned, I would repeat back to him, calmly. He escalated and escalated it. Finally DH picked him up and moved him out of the room and explained to him that if he wanted us to do something for him, he needed to ask kindly. He said he couldn't. I waited. And then he said, "Mama, may you put medicine on my chest?" And I hugged him and said, "sure, honey, let's go do that."<br><br>
So, hopefully I can continue this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
391 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>oliversmum2000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7941702"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
i will probably get flamed for this, but i think when we become very angry or emotional we have more in common with other mammals, as we are relying on our fight or flight mechanism, and i dont think that your ds is any more traumatised by this one 'swipe' that a tiger cub would be getting a quick 'swipe' from a mother tiger who has been pushed just a little too far by her cub.<br><br>
i think regular use of spanking as a means of discipline is a world away from an extremely rare loss of control under extreme circumstances.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I won't flame you, becouse I agree. I love this board, but sometimes I feel like never coming back when I hear the way some mamas speak to one another. No one is perfect, and if you lost your temper with your kid because he was acting like a brat, well then welcome to the real world, where even the crunchiest show our kids that we are human, too. Hugs, mamas, I too have the little emporor at home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,714 Posts
when my children announce their needs 'i am thirsty / cold / hungry' or demand things 'i want a / need a' my response to the need announcement is acknowledgement, and my response to demands is to tell them that they can either go and get whatever it is themselves or ask somebody else to do it or get it for them.<br><br>
sometimes i forget and just get it for them, but i really try to remember to remind them to ask and to ask in a way that makes me feel like helping.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,868 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>oliversmum2000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7941702"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
i will probably get flamed for this, but i think when we become very angry or emotional we have more in common with other mammals, as we are relying on our fight or flight mechanism, and i dont think that your ds is any more traumatised by this one 'swipe' that a tiger cub would be getting a quick 'swipe' from a mother tiger who has been pushed just a little too far by her cub.<br><br>
i think regular use of spanking as a means of discipline is a world away from an extremely rare loss of control under extreme circumstances.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
I actually agree entirely with this. I DO think hitting is very wrong, esp adults hitting children, but I think oliversmum hit the nail on the head.<br><br>
He's NOT going to be scarred for life!<br><br>
And despite the fact that you're worked up you've all ready figured several things out. As he stands, he's a bright, high needs child. Add sugar and junk food to the mix, he's intolerable. Also, when he gets that way, you yourself said, "I either need to swat him or walk away." Next time, walk away <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,397 Posts
I have a 2.5 yr old that can tantrum forever. It is so draining, that I had to go outside and breathe for a good 15 minutes.<br><br>
My dd sat at the screen and said "momma come in, momma come in." *smiles*<br><br>
I handled that situation well but there have been others that have been so hard on both of us.<br><br>
*hugs*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
I can totally relate to jillkuster's comments on a few days of hard-core discipline and its benefits. Here's why: My mom and dad said that when I was four years old I would review everything they said and then decide if it was right for me. Everything!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> So (I'm not advocating this, simply telling a story here) they told me to stand in a corner until I could figure out how to listen. And it took me FOUR days!!!! I napped and ate and rested, but my life was basically stopped in its tracks for four days before I agreed that yes, my parents know more than me most of the time.<br><br>
Fast forward: My 3 yr. old recently went through this amazingly frustrating phase of just plain old not paying attention to anything I said all day, really whiny, demanding, etc. And so after a week of crying myself to sleep and being so grouchy with my husband I swear he reconsidered having a second(I'm nine mos. pregnant), I decided ds would sit on the couch and cool off for awhile after pulling the dogs legs, etc. No timer or anything, just "when mommy says you can get up and play again". This took two terrible days before he realized I was actually serious! Like "life will be hard and boring for us if we don't show respect to our parents and our animals". Day three I woke up and decided it wasn't working, he's too young, I'm too tired to go through another day...but lo! and behold! my old son had returned! I only had to mention something once and he actually said, "ok, mommy", or "sorry, mommy".<br><br>
Maybe that's too punitive for this forum, I don't know? Now I'm just wondering how long before my genes kick in in him again.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,544 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Big hugs to the OP & I am sorry you are going through this right now, but thank you for posting about it. Also thank you to everyone else who has posted such wonderful things. This idea of GD & AP can be such pressure sometimes that no matter what I do I feel like a bad parent that always does the wrong thing. It is so refreshing to hear other GD & AP mamas actually admitting that these things happen to us all & that no one is a 'perfect' parent. Sometime I feel like the only one who has spanked my child in the heat of the moment. Fight or flight is a great way to put it.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top