[glorio]

My son's father, who has always been very involved in his life, is really pushing for shared parenting. I am hesitant. I don't think it's in ds's best intrest, but I also know that ds (5) might want to spend more nights at his dad's (currenty 1-2 per week), and I don't want to create hostility and resentment in him.

Ex, who I was never married to, but lived with when ds was ages 1-2, might be losing his job soon, and wants to get a shared parenting agreement to lower child support. I am okay with lowering child support, but I don't want shared custody at this point. Ex is a loving father, but indulges ds in loads of tv, adult video games (Soul Caliber), junk food over there. He's had 2 live in girlfriends, hiding one from me until ds kept mentioning how she's always there, and I figured it out. He wouldn't even tell ds it was his girlfriend, because he didn't want ds to get jealous and feel as if he isn't "#1" in ex's life. Um, she was there all the time, sleeping in ex's bed.... what else was ds supposed to conclude?

This woman even hit ds several months ago

: - it was on the arm, and in responce to ds hitting first, but that it sooo not okay with me. I don't excuse him hitting, but I do not want anyone hitting my child! She left a red mark on him

I let her know that this will never happen again, and ex promised it wouldn't.

Ex is also resistent to dietary changes in ds- who is being evaluated for some issues- anxiety/ADHD... and feels it's not fair to restrict sugar/food dye/ additives for even a trial period. Doing this for a few weeks was like pulling teeth. If ds's troubles continue I want to try a Fiengold-ish diet, but without custody, it will be that much harder to do. Ex gave ds something last week and instructed ds not to tell Mommy so he "wouldn't have to hear about it." Not cool- ds needs to know not to keep secrets from Mommy OR Daddy!

Ex loves ds- very, very much. He has abuse issues in his past, and is very defensive, so I don't know how to approach this. I don't think he is a bad father, though I really disagree with some things he encourages/ allows. Yet, whatever I say he will take as an attack on him. I don't want to upset him (it takes a toll on already anxious ds when we don't get along- and I feel like I have to force myself to get along too often), but I want to give ds the best foundation I can.
Any words of advice?

 

[Rosehip]

I think there are a lot of issues to consider.

So he wants joint physical custody? Does he want this ONLY b/c of the child support issue, or does he truly want to be responsible for DS 50% of the time? Would this be temporary, while he's unemployed, and then DS would bounce back to the previous arrangement? What if he gets a job? Then he'll have to pay for childcare, which could well be as much as the difference in child support. Do you currently have a legally binding custody/parenting plan (I'm assuming so)?

Is DS in school? Are you in the same district? How would this impact DS' day-to-day life, now, and in the next couple of years?

I have physical custody, my X has visitation. Though we are able to behave fairly civilly, and are always civil around the kids, I wouldn't say parenting is a team effort. My X just doesn't DO much parenting. He "visits" the kids, but they're more social calls, if that makes sense. Given our relationship, and X's living/work situation, I cannot imagine joint physical custody being a possibility. It sounds like things are tense between you and X. How would you handle the increase in logistical stuff and communication required that I imagine would come with a full 50/50 split.