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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Has anyone read it? Tried these ideas? Do you agree with the crying in arms equals better sleep (and is good for the baby) and not to "overnurse?"
 

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I read it awhile ago. I agree with her on some points. Including the "overnursing". I know I did it with ds1. Ds2 won't let me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I tend to try to solve every bit of upset by nursing, even if that's not what's needed. With ds1, that wasn't such a bad thing, because I had some supply issues and doing that helped us. Ds2 will only nurse when he's hungry, he wants other things when he's upset and it's really showing me how much offering the breast is my default response to everything.<br><br>
When he was about 4-8 weeks, he went through a period of crying every night at about 1-5am. He'd nurse a bit during that time, but mostly he seemed to want to cry. So, eventually (after the first couple of weeks) I held him and let him (after making sure I'd done everything I could think of to help him first). It was HARD, but it did seem to help him. And one night, he just stopped doing it.
 

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double post
 

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The thing is nursing isn't just for food. Babies are meant to nurse for comfort as well. Of course there are some babies who don't want to do that, just like there are some that sleep throug the night all by themselves when they are young. I think most babies need to nurse for comfort, hence my discomfort with the concept of overnursing.
 

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I'm reading it right now!<br><br>
I agree with crying in arms. I know I feel better after a good cry. Dd gets fussy right before bed, and if I let her cry (In my loving arms!) then she konks right out. It makes sense, since dd doesn't really have any other way of releasing her stress. And I KNOW dd has birth trauma. Sometimes babies will cry during something like CST too, and it's healing. Being in the arms of a loving attentive parent who is empathizing with you is not the same as CIO. But it's only ok to do when you've made sure every other need has been met: nursing, a diaper, gas, etc.<br><br>
She doesn't agree with comfort nursing, however. She believes that it's a "control pattern" meaning that they'll use it instead of healthy crying, and that as they grow, they'll continue to use food as comfort. To me, that's total BS. The breast as comforter is so vital to my way of parenting, I wouldn't think of depriving my dd of using it. However, if, as she got older, I found her nursing constantly, I might consider that she needed to cry, and see if that didn't help. But IMO, there is no such thing as "overnursing".<br><br>
As for the rest of the book, I really like it. I think her chapters on GD are right on. I haven't gotten beyond that chapter yet.
 

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I'll state up front I haven't read the book. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><br><b>Devaskyla</b>, it doesn't sound like you "overnursed" with your first child, not at all. I mean, a baby can't be *forced* to nurse. If they want it for comfort or nourishment or anything, they'll nurse. If that's not what they want, they won't. Pretty simple. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And in your case, you offered often, which sounds like a REALLY good idea, since you were starting with supply problems! Imagine, if someone had talked about overnursing, and had convinced you to NOT offer the breast first off. Where would your supply have been? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
DS has a few personalities, LOL, and when he doesn't need to nurse he refuses, and when he does he doesn't refuse, and if I've forgotten to offer, he'll remind me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Silly author, saying overnursing is possible...offering the breast can't hurt; if they don't want and need it, they won't take it.<br><br><br>
As for crying in arms, well, sometimes babies cry. Sometimes we do ALL we can do, but they still cry. If they need to cry, they will. If they need to, nothing we can do, short of drugging them, will stop them. So in those cases, I think it's best to get yourself calm, perhaps sit down, perhaps cry with them, or perhaps just hang out, soothing them through it, letting them know it's OK. So if that's what crying in arms looks and feels like, rather than some frantic, freaking out, awful-seeming and feeling situation, then doesn't that seem better? Seems so to me! And when we've had that response, the calm one when he won't calm, it all seems so much better, and yes, he goes to sleep, we go to sleep....doing the other way seems to cause more upset and less sleep.
 

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Althea Solter.<br><br>
She had an article in Mothering, do a search for "crying in arms" on the site. I'd link you directly, but I'm wearing a squiggling baby.<br><br>
And here's her website: <a href="http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm" target="_blank">http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm</a>
 

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i think you have to have read the book first to understand where she is coming from, she isn't trying to attack breastfeeding. I think nursing is comforting because getting nurishment <i>when you need it</i> is comforting, but just like we understand that a parents actions can send hidden messages to a baby,(i.e. leaving them in a room alone when they cry is translated as emotions=bad), sticking a breast in their mouth when they are emotionally distraught can keep them from expressing their emotions in the way they have choosen to, crying. I also think that, at first, a baby may not acept the breast when they are just wanting you to hear them crying, but because we think babies don't cry for purely emotional reasons like adults do, a mother might not let them just cry and keep pesturing the baby to nurse, eventually that baby will learn that nursing is the only way to release emotions. The point is we shouldn't decide what would be comforting to the baby, that is the babies job. If he/she starts crying when all needs are met, then don't try to make them nurse. If they want to nurse, then that is what is comforting to them at that moment. There are three things to note: 1. some traumas are too severe to nurse away 2. even severe traumas are not always obvious to the parent 3. if there is hidden trauma and the only avenue of comfort is nursing, your baby will have to repress that pain. The point of the book is that a baby is aware, so we have to be open to thier emotional world and not use nursing as the answer to everything.<br><br>
Aslo she writes about tantrums being the way babies, who are physical before they are linguistic, express themselves emotionally. I think her work is very important for a more wholistic and practical response to the emotions of babies<br><br>
edit: you know how when you go to someone and you want sympathy and they give you advice or tell you its going to be okay, or how a spouse can apologize by giving a gift to you but you still feel like you haven't been heard on some level. Thats how i think nursing can turn from being comforting to repressive, on a very subtle level. Sometimes you need that person to listen to you cause giving you chocolates, even though it makes you feel better that they care, symbolically, it takes away your oportunity to vent about things on a deeper level.
 

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Thanks for your replies! I am in the middle of reading this book and it is intriguing. All ds wanted to do when he was a baby was nurse but dd is different. I have felt, at times, that I am trying too hard to get her to nurse when she really doesn't want to. There is a section on kids and adults being orally fixated if they were overnursed as a baby. I'm sure many kids are not affected by this but my ds puts everything in his mouth and he is 4! He also bites his nails - fingers and toes and he chews on all his sippy cups and straws. He is not a nervous child at all. He is actually very outgoing and secure. I have wondered why he does this and when I read about this in the book it made sense. This behavior picked up when he weaned (3 y/o) and I had noted it back then. As for sleep with dd I just nursed and nursed and nursed tonight and she never fell into a deep sleep. finally I stopped and rubbed her back and held her hand. She moaned for a couple of minutes and then she just dropped off! hmmmmm....
 

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I found this book to be very comforting with my first baby. It really helped me see why babies cry and took a lot of the stress out of being fully present for him. After I read this book, I felt free to be present and supportive of him when he cried without stressing out about WHY he was crying.
 

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I have read all the AP books out there and considered myself a real advocate of all AP techniques, and definitely against CIO. Now I am raising my first child, Ivy, who will be 6 weeks old this Sunday. I bought The Aware Baby before Ivy was born at the recommendation of someone on MDC, but didn't read it until a few days ago.<br><br>
My impression of Dr. Solter is that she is an excellent writer, intelligent, well informed about child development and also VERY AP-friendly. The flavor of the book is definitely different from most American AP authors like Dr. Sears.<br><br>
What she says about the importance of crying really rings true for me. I went through a period of time in my 20s when I was exploring the healing powers of crying for myself. My bf at the time and I would cry every day, sometimes more than once a day, and it was so comforting and empowering! I realized I had a lot of negative self-talk that I was "crying too loud" and had to be in a safe space to cry. Then I would cry really hard, like a baby. And then afterwards I felt relaxed, calm and much, much better.<br><br>
So it makes sense to me when my daughter needs to cry! I hold her, or DH holds her, and we tell her, "It's okay to cry, we love you, cry as long as you need," and pay attention to her while she cries. She will cry very hard about 15 minutes and then stop and be very calm and alert (or she will fall asleep right away, but this is less common). Sometimes she needs to do this a few times before going to bed. We feel very close to her when she does this, not at all frustrated as we have in the past.<br><br>
It's harder for me to be with her when she cries when she clearly wants to suck for comfort (not for food). On the other hand I don't want to stifle her crying when she needs to release tension. I still nurse her to sleep most nights (we cosleep) but I feel a lot better offering her the breast when she is calm and not crying. I think she nurses better and falls asleep easier.<br><br>
The first night I let her cry in my arms, just holding her & lovingly watching her rather than rocking, bouncing, etc. I wasn't convinced it was going to work... but she cried for 10 minutes and conked out, then didn't wake for 8 hours!! Last night she slept a stretch of 5 hours without waking; this morning we didn't get out of bed until 11am! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> She never cries in the middle of the night anymore. She is a very mellow, patient, fun baby. I am much less stressed out, not feeling obligated to rock her for hours to get her to calm down in the middle of the night, and I've stopped feeling guilty about not being able to stop her crying.<br><br>
I look forward to reading Solter's other books.
 

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I have never heard of this book but from what I have heard in this thread I wouldn't want to read it. There's no such thing as "over nursing." If a babe is upset & is quieted at the breast - they NEEDED to nurse!! And if a babe is crying we need to figure out WHY & fix it, not say "OK, have a good cry." CIO is CIO, regardless of location. Just my $0.02 anyway.
 

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I think you have to read the book to understand it, but babies do need to let off steam and telling them it is OK to do so is as important for a baby as it is for a toddler. Now that ds is 18 months, I see how important it is for me to continue to allow him to cry when he is upset or hurts himself and not shush him. In the same way I did for him when he was a baby, I continue to hold him and say it's ok to cry. If I tried to make it all better, I think I am denying him the right to cry when he needs to.<br><br>
But that's just my 2 cents! Not disagreeing, think it is very dependent on the child and the parent, as is everything!
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">I have never heard of this book but from what I have heard in this thread I wouldn't want to read it. There's no such thing as "over nursing." If a babe is upset & is quieted at the breast - they NEEDED to nurse!! And if a babe is crying we need to figure out WHY & fix it, not say "OK, have a good cry." CIO is CIO, regardless of location. Just my $0.02 anyway.</div>
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I agree, however sometimes my baby gets herself so worked up over whatever it was to begin with (I belive its mostly hunger as I have a low supply and it can take me a moment to get her supplement out after I relize I am out of milk) that she wont stop crying even if everything is ok again. When this happens I will sit and hold her until she settles down a bit and is just whimpering then I will hold her to nurse, she will useually latch, unlatch a few times (because nothing is comeing out yet, it takes a sec for the supplement to get down the lact-aid tube) and sometimes I will squeeze the bag to get a few drops out and then when she relizes there is food she will latch on and calm down. She did this just before I started writing this and now is halfway through the bag.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tash11</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree, however sometimes my baby gets herself so worked up over whatever it was to begin with (I belive its mostly hunger as I have a low supply and it can take me a moment to get her supplement out after I relize I am out of milk) that she wont stop crying even if everything is ok again. When this happens I will sit and hold her until she settles down a bit and is just whimpering then I will hold her to nurse, she will useually latch, unlatch a few times (because nothing is comeing out yet, it takes a sec for the supplement to get down the lact-aid tube) and sometimes I will squeeze the bag to get a few drops out and then when she relizes there is food she will latch on and calm down. She did this just before I started writing this and now is halfway through the bag.</div>
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Of course...I don't see what you've described as CIO. I mean people who hold their babies & basically say "cry." No trying to help them...I have seen it. It's CIO, just in arms, same thing. You are describing helping your babe with what you know to be wrong. Totally different. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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