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Talking isn't working

431 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  mothernurture
I am very unhappy with dh. Whenever I try and talk about it I become so negative that it doesn't help at all. Dh is negative as well. Often we do not even talk about our issues because it only starts a fight anymore.

I am in counseling. I ended up there because of PPD, I was having anxiety attacks basicly. I have suggested dh get counseling as well or perhaps the both of us see a marriage counselor, however, he refuses.

He does the things I want him to only after I blow up at him. I hate it. It seems like he does most things only to make me happy/stop nagging him. I do not want to be his mother. I want him to be an adult. I want him to be responsible. I know my behavior is probably creating the opposite response in him, but I can't seem to stop it. I can't pretend I am not unhappy, ticked off, irritated, angry, and bitter.

I am almost 98% sure I want this to me over with. I just hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate having a husband who hides in the basement playing computer games. I hate having a dh who will not go out with me and dd to visit family. I hate that getting him to anything outside of the home is like pulling teeth. I hate that we no longer have fun together or enjoy each others company. I hate that I have to nag him to finish projects around the house or bug him about things he said he was going to do, etc...

I just told him today that I honestly can no longer stand having him around. He looked very sad and said, 'I love you too" He sat with me and dd, but didn't say anything and neither did I. Now he is in the basement I think. No speaking between either of us. I hate the way this feels....

Maybe I am selfish and never happy with anything... well thats probably what he would say. Maybe its true.

I just don't know what to do.. I don't know how to change things and to quit living in this stagnent nothingness.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have felt this way before. For me, what seemed to help was giving up any and all expectations of my dh (really really hard to do, but once I did- every little thing he did was like a gift), and to cultivate my own interests and happiness. I just decided that I had to live my own life and stop waiting around for him to be the man I wanted. Things did change. Ideally, I think you guys should seek some couples therapy, but I know that's not always possible.
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time with your dh. I understand how depressing it can be when you realize you (and your partner) are not happy in the relationship. After a difficult visit with my in-laws in June, my dh and I finally decided (jointly) that we needed to do something (to meaningfully address our issues) if we wanted our relationship and our family (we have 2 little ones, ages 4 and 14 months) to stay together, and happily rather than merely put bandaids on the problems that would continue to come up again over time.

Not having the money for counseling right now, we both read Harville Hendrix, "Getting the Love you Want". It was pretty amazing, the difference in our ability to communicate. I then read a follow-on to that book, "A Couple's Companion to Getting the Love you Want." At some point, when we are financially able, I'd like to pursue couples counseling but until then, we're reading and doing some exercises to help us move toward a more conscious marriage. My dh will be hesitant about letting a 3rd party (therapist) into the details of our issues but prior to our wedding, we committed to each other that if it ever meant the survival of our relationship, then we'd both we willing to seek out professional help.

Lea, what is your desire? Do you want to stay in the relationship and work to improve the quality of it or are you beyond the point of wanting to work it out? I know how hard it can be if you want to work at it and your partner doesn't want to (or know how to, given his issues, often related to his family of origin). It can be an incredibly negative, depressing time....

My dh and I finally came to a place where we realized that we each individually (and together) deserved to have a happy marriage and our children deserved to have happy parents... It was worth the hard hard work involved in changing our perception to be that conflict is an opportunity for growth (personal and relationship growth).

I highly recommend Hendrix... Also, check out John Gottman's work at the University of Washington website. He has done extensive work at the Family Research Institute.
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