Tantrums
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Hi MM<br><br>
Not sure if you posted a long while ago but I read your post (My son is 20mo) and this struck me:<br>
you said:<br>
<<If she throws herself<br>
on the ground and I pick her up, then I'm letting her win as that is what she<br>
wanted. Any suggestions here? >><br><br>
I think its a widespread belief system that if we allow our children to have what they want/need then we are somehow "losing" or they are "winning"<br>
It sets up that whole dynamic of fear around being manipulated by your child. I wonder if that fear is underlying your whole question? Or if indeed you believe that she/he is capable of manipulating you at this age?<br><br>
I personally dont see any of it this way. If I have an agenda and my son is not in agreement with it, then 9 times out of ten Id say, I let go..let go let go..every day I hold my consciousness and let go.<br><br>
So what if he doesnt want clothes on and its cold out? I figured he would figure it out and sure enough he comes in saying "cold" or if he doesnt (this has also happened), well then I investigated the wives tale about them "catching their death" and well, so far he is just fine..so I let that go<br><br>
Now those times when Im in a store and he is going ballistic in his desire to get down and run and check everything out, I accomodate it when I can and othertimes I have told him I am going and that I hear he is angry and upset. I validate him without judgement but continue on my way.<br>
I have also let go of caring what the "looks" are about. IMHO most of the time, we act out of anxiety of how we look as a parent. For me, my ability to stand in my authentic ground and know my truth is strengthened when I no longer am dependant on how I appear to anyone, this includes my family, friends, even my partner.<br>
I see it as an opportunity to know what my truth is.<br>
So toddlers are new to our world and they are full of joy and they dont have agendas, they live in the NOW. I try to respect where my son is while keeping in mind that his responses to not having a thing go his way is just as valid as his joy. As long as I am not in judgement of him or in fear, then it is all a part of a day.<br>
Cheers<br>
Cassandra
Not sure if you posted a long while ago but I read your post (My son is 20mo) and this struck me:<br>
you said:<br>
<<If she throws herself<br>
on the ground and I pick her up, then I'm letting her win as that is what she<br>
wanted. Any suggestions here? >><br><br>
I think its a widespread belief system that if we allow our children to have what they want/need then we are somehow "losing" or they are "winning"<br>
It sets up that whole dynamic of fear around being manipulated by your child. I wonder if that fear is underlying your whole question? Or if indeed you believe that she/he is capable of manipulating you at this age?<br><br>
I personally dont see any of it this way. If I have an agenda and my son is not in agreement with it, then 9 times out of ten Id say, I let go..let go let go..every day I hold my consciousness and let go.<br><br>
So what if he doesnt want clothes on and its cold out? I figured he would figure it out and sure enough he comes in saying "cold" or if he doesnt (this has also happened), well then I investigated the wives tale about them "catching their death" and well, so far he is just fine..so I let that go<br><br>
Now those times when Im in a store and he is going ballistic in his desire to get down and run and check everything out, I accomodate it when I can and othertimes I have told him I am going and that I hear he is angry and upset. I validate him without judgement but continue on my way.<br>
I have also let go of caring what the "looks" are about. IMHO most of the time, we act out of anxiety of how we look as a parent. For me, my ability to stand in my authentic ground and know my truth is strengthened when I no longer am dependant on how I appear to anyone, this includes my family, friends, even my partner.<br>
I see it as an opportunity to know what my truth is.<br>
So toddlers are new to our world and they are full of joy and they dont have agendas, they live in the NOW. I try to respect where my son is while keeping in mind that his responses to not having a thing go his way is just as valid as his joy. As long as I am not in judgement of him or in fear, then it is all a part of a day.<br>
Cheers<br>
Cassandra
Wow! That is totally how I feel, but alot of the time I cave under the preesure. I wish I could be as confident as you. I've been doing alot better lately tho' since I made the choice to let things go. My ds is a character and so very smart, but I know he isn't manipulating me.<br>
I've also been doing this reward system thing that seems to be working. I made a poster for him and put it up where everyone can see. When he cooperates with mommy than he gets to pick out a star sticker and put it on his poster. It has worked for tantrums too. He enjoys working for a reward. When the poster is filled, than he'll get a treat. He hasn't had to have a time out in 3 weeks!!!<br>
Cassandra, thank you for putting so beautifully what I try to strive for. Our babies will thank us.<br>
Austin's mommy(11-23-99), Kelly<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
I've also been doing this reward system thing that seems to be working. I made a poster for him and put it up where everyone can see. When he cooperates with mommy than he gets to pick out a star sticker and put it on his poster. It has worked for tantrums too. He enjoys working for a reward. When the poster is filled, than he'll get a treat. He hasn't had to have a time out in 3 weeks!!!<br>
Cassandra, thank you for putting so beautifully what I try to strive for. Our babies will thank us.<br>
Austin's mommy(11-23-99), Kelly<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
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Great thread, great suggestions.<br><br>
Kelly, please e-mail me if you have time: <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a> I'd love to hear about signing with Baby because my nonverbal 20mo is getting so frustrated by not being able to communicate. I only know a few signs, which we use, but I can't find a link that has a more extensive guide. Do you use ASL?<br><br>
ParisMaman, I've found there's no way to avoid "the look" while out shopping - LOL! I think people are drawn by the sound of an upset child because they a) are glad it isn't *their* child this time, b) are looking to see how you handle it so they can use your tactic on their own child next time, or c) think it's great entertainment while they wait in line. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
Kelly, please e-mail me if you have time: <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a> I'd love to hear about signing with Baby because my nonverbal 20mo is getting so frustrated by not being able to communicate. I only know a few signs, which we use, but I can't find a link that has a more extensive guide. Do you use ASL?<br><br>
ParisMaman, I've found there's no way to avoid "the look" while out shopping - LOL! I think people are drawn by the sound of an upset child because they a) are glad it isn't *their* child this time, b) are looking to see how you handle it so they can use your tactic on their own child next time, or c) think it's great entertainment while they wait in line. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
I just wanted to share what I call Magic moments-(I love these...)a lot of times, when ds2(2 yrs) is melting down,and I manage to keep my own temper in check,I usually just remove him from wahtever situation is causing tt-that usually results in a whole lot more screaming biting kicking,yelling things like"you're hurting me-put me DOWN!,I don't like you---(loudly)at those moments, I've found that being calm in the middle of his storm is the only cure.I also tell him when he's done screaming ,that tantrums are unnacceptable behavior,but I know he was angry,so it's ok- Mama's not mad,and I love him,(kisskisskiss)at which point he is pretty calm and seems to desperately need to be reassured that I am not all riled up like he is, then we let bygones be bygones-and sometimes I get "the look" --but sometimes in that "magic moment",a stranger will say to me- "you have your hands full,I think you did a great job of dealing with him"Then I feel as if the heavens have opened and granted me a small gift ,'cause when I get the look I tend to feel guilty,as if instead I should've staged a public caning for the benefit of all those people with assaulted eardrums...But seriously, I've found this is the only thing that works with him- andit also seems that in those moments the only person he wants to see is me,is this the way most toddlers are?Some family members insinuate it's because I'm spoiling him,and that's why he wants only me,but I don't think so.
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thanks everyone for your replies. IT helps to talk to others in similar situation and hear the different routes you all take. I love the "magic moment" term over temper tantrum. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Will say to my dh "oh its the magic moment" again. Sounds great! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Karen...I htink you meant me that you wanted more info on sign. will email you now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Thanks again everyone.<br><br>
Hugs<br>
Stephanie
Karen...I htink you meant me that you wanted more info on sign. will email you now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Thanks again everyone.<br><br>
Hugs<br>
Stephanie
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914 Posts
My nearly 17 month old has had a couple of tantrums in the past week (first one was because we wouldn't let him play with a knife - second, because he didn't want to come inside yet). He pulled out all the stops, yelling, back arching, kicking...DH and I tried to hold him through it but it was clear he didn't want to be held, so we put him on the carpet and talked him through it "I know it's frustrating not to be able to hold the knife but it is dangerous, or momma had to bring you inside because it is too cold out right now"...anyway, i am posting this to find out if you all have any suggestions on how to deal with these <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: Someone told me today to walk away and ignore the behavior, but this doesn't feel right to me. Before I make a change in something he'll likely be upset about I try to give advance notice, but it doesn't always seem to make a difference. What do you all think?
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<span>Thank you for your thoughts, karen. We have been tantrum free since I posted my message (crossing fingers).</span> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
I find the food (or lack thereof) issue very important for my 20 month old 's humor. The only time he gets really unconsolable is when I know it's been too long since he ate. I'm the same way....but I try to limit my kicking and screaming <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
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harper has been doing the tantrum thing for about a month now, we don't ever let her win. she's only one year so she's pretty easily distracted now. we say why not, then pick her up and move her to another room to distract her. she started with banging her head, but now she balls her fists and shakes, or lays down and kicks her feet.
It is hard to watch them when they are so upset.<br>
You sound like you are doing finedealing with the fit when it happens. They usually cant stand to be touched But I agree that I don't feel comfortablejust walking away. I just usually talk to herquietly until she is ready for me to hug her.<br>
I too just try to make sure to have her settled at home when it nears nap time so that we wont have to deal with leaving the park or coming inside, etc..And If i sense a fit coming on I try to distract her with something really cool. I try to give her a choice..."we can't play outside anymore, but do you want to take your bike inside to sit on in there?" that kind of thing,<br>
My dd is 20 months and started big fits around 16 or17 months and they are already hardly ever happening. It will pass.
You sound like you are doing finedealing with the fit when it happens. They usually cant stand to be touched But I agree that I don't feel comfortablejust walking away. I just usually talk to herquietly until she is ready for me to hug her.<br>
I too just try to make sure to have her settled at home when it nears nap time so that we wont have to deal with leaving the park or coming inside, etc..And If i sense a fit coming on I try to distract her with something really cool. I try to give her a choice..."we can't play outside anymore, but do you want to take your bike inside to sit on in there?" that kind of thing,<br>
My dd is 20 months and started big fits around 16 or17 months and they are already hardly ever happening. It will pass.
My son is 10 months old.<br>
I have never seen this with any other child...<br>
HE THROWS TEMPER TANTRUMS! He does it when he can't have something, at the health food store, at home, any where.<br>
He wants stuff on the shelf, or if I take away something from him, that he shouldn't have, watch out!<br><br>
He screams for a couple minutes and kicks his legs and throws his body.<br><br>
Any advice?<br>
Is this typical of a 10 month old?
I have never seen this with any other child...<br>
HE THROWS TEMPER TANTRUMS! He does it when he can't have something, at the health food store, at home, any where.<br>
He wants stuff on the shelf, or if I take away something from him, that he shouldn't have, watch out!<br><br>
He screams for a couple minutes and kicks his legs and throws his body.<br><br>
Any advice?<br>
Is this typical of a 10 month old?
He's not really having a "tantrum" seeing as he's only 10 months old!! It sounds like he's just frustrated because he's trying to learn and explore and isnt able.Try babyproofing as much as possible so that there are lots of things he *can* do.Have you ever read "The Discipline Book" by Dr.William Sears? It has some great stuff in it!
I agree with Saige. Sounds like he needs a lot of explore time. Try to offer alternative. If he always wants something at the health food store, make sure you bring along some healthy cookies or something. It's just a phase, he'll get over it soon (and then move on to the next one! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> and the next one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: and then the next one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> ) hee hee You'll see!
Hello,<br>
He explores all the time.<br>
He has so many toys.<br>
I even bought him a plastic toy because I thought he may be bored of his natural toys. It is one of those Baby Mozart cubes. He plays with it a little.<br>
He is so smart, he can stack the rings on the wooden stacker and pound the balls in the pounder toy all by himself.<br>
Any other ideas on how to keep him entertained?<br>
He seems to be past rattles, at least for now.<br>
Seriously he does throw fits if he doesn't have his way.
He explores all the time.<br>
He has so many toys.<br>
I even bought him a plastic toy because I thought he may be bored of his natural toys. It is one of those Baby Mozart cubes. He plays with it a little.<br>
He is so smart, he can stack the rings on the wooden stacker and pound the balls in the pounder toy all by himself.<br>
Any other ideas on how to keep him entertained?<br>
He seems to be past rattles, at least for now.<br>
Seriously he does throw fits if he doesn't have his way.
Hmmm...what about sensory stuff? Like water and sand play? Sounds like maybe he's at a new stage or something.You could do a sensory bucket,and fill it with dry noodles and stuff.Or let him squish beans or something (hey,you never said it had to be a clean activity!!!!).
Hi there,<br><br>
At this age 'throwing fits' is actually very developmentally appropriate as your child does not yet possess the language skills to express his emotions. He is merely telling you with his actions and screams what he cannot express through language. Of course that doesn't mean it's not frustrating for parents! I'm not trying to say that his behavior is 'acceptable' (or 'unacceptable' for that matter) - just providing a developmental perspective to help you understand what is going on with him. It usually helps me quite a bit when I understand my daughter's behavior from a developmental standpoint.<br><br>
These moments provide a perfect opportunity to model language for your child thereby helping him on the road to being able to express his emotions when he does begin speaking. When my daughter has 'thrown fits' in the past, I try to empathize, identify her feelings, and provide an explanation of the rule she's protesting (and an acceptable alternative if one exists) by saying something like, "I'm sorry you're upset that you can't stand up on the chair, it's not safe. You may sit on the chair." Of course, this doesn't always end the 'fit', but I believe if language modeling is consistently applied, a foundation is laid for future ability to successfully express emotions.<br><br>
After my explanation, I diligently rely on distraction techniques. I offer to read a book with her, do a puzzle together, maybe look for our family cat, etc. etc.. Each child has a favorite activity, so this part relies on mom's knowledge of her child's interests. If distraction doesn't work, I tell say, "I'm sorry you're upset, I'll be right over here when you'd like to join me."<br>
And then take myself a bit of a distance from her and shift my attention to a book or a chore.<br><br>
You can do this in stores as well if you don't have a problem with your child behaving like this in public. Personally I don't have a problem with it (other people in the store might<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> ).<br><br>
I know that it's easy to offer advice and by no means do I think my suggestions are a cure-all - I do hope they will help a bit though.<br><br>
Mary
At this age 'throwing fits' is actually very developmentally appropriate as your child does not yet possess the language skills to express his emotions. He is merely telling you with his actions and screams what he cannot express through language. Of course that doesn't mean it's not frustrating for parents! I'm not trying to say that his behavior is 'acceptable' (or 'unacceptable' for that matter) - just providing a developmental perspective to help you understand what is going on with him. It usually helps me quite a bit when I understand my daughter's behavior from a developmental standpoint.<br><br>
These moments provide a perfect opportunity to model language for your child thereby helping him on the road to being able to express his emotions when he does begin speaking. When my daughter has 'thrown fits' in the past, I try to empathize, identify her feelings, and provide an explanation of the rule she's protesting (and an acceptable alternative if one exists) by saying something like, "I'm sorry you're upset that you can't stand up on the chair, it's not safe. You may sit on the chair." Of course, this doesn't always end the 'fit', but I believe if language modeling is consistently applied, a foundation is laid for future ability to successfully express emotions.<br><br>
After my explanation, I diligently rely on distraction techniques. I offer to read a book with her, do a puzzle together, maybe look for our family cat, etc. etc.. Each child has a favorite activity, so this part relies on mom's knowledge of her child's interests. If distraction doesn't work, I tell say, "I'm sorry you're upset, I'll be right over here when you'd like to join me."<br>
And then take myself a bit of a distance from her and shift my attention to a book or a chore.<br><br>
You can do this in stores as well if you don't have a problem with your child behaving like this in public. Personally I don't have a problem with it (other people in the store might<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> ).<br><br>
I know that it's easy to offer advice and by no means do I think my suggestions are a cure-all - I do hope they will help a bit though.<br><br>
Mary
Snailmama,<br><br>
If it makes you feel any better, my 11 month old does exactly the same thing. If she can't have something she wants, she starts screaming, arching her back, etc.<br><br>
I agree with Mary - I usually try distracting her. Asking where our dog is will often do the trick (she's fascinated by the dog at the moment). If that doesn't work - I'll nurse her. That calms her down when nothing else will.<br><br>
In fact, sometimes, when I can't find another reason for her frustration, I think that what she's telling me is that she wants to nurse.<br><br>
Just a thought - and a bit of commiseration. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Carolyn
If it makes you feel any better, my 11 month old does exactly the same thing. If she can't have something she wants, she starts screaming, arching her back, etc.<br><br>
I agree with Mary - I usually try distracting her. Asking where our dog is will often do the trick (she's fascinated by the dog at the moment). If that doesn't work - I'll nurse her. That calms her down when nothing else will.<br><br>
In fact, sometimes, when I can't find another reason for her frustration, I think that what she's telling me is that she wants to nurse.<br><br>
Just a thought - and a bit of commiseration. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Carolyn
Oh, I feel much better now, thanks! After reading all the replies about tantrums and how y'all handle them, I don't feel so helples and alone! My 1 1/2 yr old ds recently started these "possessed tantrums" when he was sick a couple weeks ago. I did not know WHAT to think! He just cried, flailing around on the floor, throwing his head back, I couldn't touch him, let alone hold him! No nursing, nothing would appease him! My dh was about to take him to the emergency room, thinking there was something really physically wrong with him! Can you see the doc's reaction now?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: Later my dh also confessed he was about to start praying, because he thought he might really be possessed!<br>
How did we handle it? Much the way y'all discribed, we found that just letting him lay on the floor in a safe space and work it out on his own really did the trick. We would be nearby, if he DID want ua, and I would occasionally offer sympathetic words. Sometimes taking him outside did a lot of good. Anyway, I am glad I found this thread and people, I feel much better now about how I handled it!<br>
Here is a question relating to the walking problem..What about when tour tot wants to get down and walk around in a store, and runs all over the place?? ..Throwing a fit when you pick him up or try to put him in a cart?? Any suggestions?
How did we handle it? Much the way y'all discribed, we found that just letting him lay on the floor in a safe space and work it out on his own really did the trick. We would be nearby, if he DID want ua, and I would occasionally offer sympathetic words. Sometimes taking him outside did a lot of good. Anyway, I am glad I found this thread and people, I feel much better now about how I handled it!<br>
Here is a question relating to the walking problem..What about when tour tot wants to get down and walk around in a store, and runs all over the place?? ..Throwing a fit when you pick him up or try to put him in a cart?? Any suggestions?
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