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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
granted, ds is only 18 months old so we're just beginning. This started as a debate between dh and me over whether or not to take ds to a peace rally today. Dh said that he wasn't sure if he felt comfortable taking him there - not because of security/safety or weather, etc. He said that he wasn't sure about us forcing our opinions on the war on ds (again, a toddler). Dh is against the war, I am against the war, we are both for peace. I told him that I want our son to grow up advocating peace, loving peace, and hence, opposing war too. Dh wants him to have his own ideas about the world. Of course, I too can see the point of children having their own ideas and questioning the things they're told. Also, I can see concern because some children are known to eventually rebel against their parents' ideas of the world. But at the same time, I want to teach ds what his family values. He will need a foundation on which to form his own opinions when he is older, right? This is one of those moments when parenthood just feels so huge.<br><br>
Anyone else thinking about the same things?
 

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Can I be sexist and say it's because he's a man? ---ok, I don't really feel that way, but I phrased this hypothetically and dh had the same response as yours. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
It is a big thing...we do discuss politics around here...we explain News, too. I will not let them grow up ignorant...especially in times as these. But, if I understand what (at least) my dh's stance is as kids, they can be informed...but not able to make their own choices. And that by involving them to that point is pushing them too much...Not sure if I agree, but since we are in this together I will respect his thoughts.
 

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It is impossible to raise a child in a completely objective manner. That being said, why not be truthful and honest with your child about your beliefs? If you truly believe they are correct, it should not be a big deal at all to expose the child to them. You can raise a child knowing what you believe and also raise him to be respectful of you and of others. And, you can be respectful of him so that no matter what kind of adult he turns into, he will know that you will always love him. You lay a foundation with your values, and that includes respect, for each other and for him. To hide your beliefs would be strange. Tell all this to your dh.
 

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We are raising our children to learn our morals and values. Some people would disagree with our beliefs (we believe in God and Jesus and that He is the only truth). If we questioned our beliefs, we wouldn't teach them. But we do not question our life, beliefs, morals, etc....so why wouldn't we teach them? No matter what, a child - especially around the teenage years - will begin to explore things on their own and ask their own questions and find their own answers. That's normal, healthy and expected. And just because your child grows up with certain moral influences, it doesn't guarantee any choices your child will make on their own. And I don't really think it is possible to hide your morals from your children. Your true morals and beliefs will be such a part of who you are that they will be evident and observable in your homelife...and kids pick up on everything.
 

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I feel a little controversial this morning, so heres my view on it. I really really hate when parents force thier beliefs on their children. It bugs the poop outta me. While I dont disagree with you letting your children know your values and stands on issues, I do disagree with any person forcing it. For examples...vegetarians. I have a friend who is vegetarian, her baby is 2 and she has been vegetarian since she started eating solids. I think did that baby say to her..hey mom, I dont want to eat meat????? NO. So what is she going to do when she reaches for her dads steak soon?(her dad is not vegetarian) tell her its wrong? Same as religious beliefs, etc etc. When the child is old enough to understand your beliefs, let them be heard, but by all means do not make it in your mind that he or she will follow them and then be disappointed when or if they dont. Now I have said my peace! (and im not even a man lol)
 

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I think a person can take their child to a peace rally and not be forcing their antiwar beliefs on their child. And, they can raise their child as a vegetarian and still be respectful of their child if he or she decides to eat meat. Also, you can take a child to church regularly and be respectful of them if they so choose to believe differently. You can have your child participate in your life, and thus your beliefs, without cramming it down their throat. It is a matter of being respectful, which, granted, some people are not.
 

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Well...I agree with many of the other posts we cannot raise our children in a completely objective manner. That said I do not think we neccessarily should even strive to. For example...spanking. We don't do that in our house. So I guess I am raising my daughter to have a bias against it and I am totally OK with this. And about being a vegetarian...I am and my husband is not. Since I do most of the cooking (and I do not cook special meals of meat just for him just as I do not cook special meals because dd does not "like" it) we don't have meat in the house that often. We have decided that we want her to only eat meat that her papa hunts. I know, I suppose we are teaching her one of "our values" but we believe that she needs to see that her choices affect more than just her. There is so much more to say on this topic. You could look at taking your child to the rally as a planetary issue....War is not healthy for anyone. Or you could look at it as a value or from amny other angles....Good Luck
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boongirl</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It is impossible to raise a child in a completely objective manner. That being said, why not be truthful and honest with your child about your beliefs? If you truly believe they are correct, it should not be a big deal at all to expose the child to them. You can raise a child knowing what you believe and also raise him to be respectful of you and of others. And, you can be respectful of him so that no matter what kind of adult he turns into, he will know that you will always love him. You lay a foundation with your values, and that includes respect, for each other and for him. To hide your beliefs would be strange. Tell all this to your dh.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>bass chick</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We are raising our children to learn our morals and values. Some people would disagree with our beliefs (we believe in God and Jesus and that He is the only truth). If we questioned our beliefs, we wouldn't teach them. But we do not question our life, beliefs, morals, etc....so why wouldn't we teach them? No matter what, a child - especially around the teenage years - will begin to explore things on their own and ask their own questions and find their own answers. That's normal, healthy and expected. And just because your child grows up with certain moral influences, it doesn't guarantee any choices your child will make on their own. And I don't really think it is possible to hide your morals from your children. Your true morals and beliefs will be such a part of who you are that they will be evident and observable in your homelife...and kids pick up on everything.</div>
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I totally agree.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel a little controversial this morning, so heres my view on it. I really really hate when parents force thier beliefs on their children. It bugs the poop outta me. While I dont disagree with you letting your children know your values and stands on issues, I do disagree with any person forcing it. For examples...vegetarians. I have a friend who is vegetarian, her baby is 2 and she has been vegetarian since she started eating solids. I think did that baby say to her..hey mom, I dont want to eat meat????? NO. So what is she going to do when she reaches for her dads steak soon?(her dad is not vegetarian) tell her its wrong? Same as religious beliefs, etc etc. When the child is old enough to understand your beliefs, let them be heard, but by all means do not make it in your mind that he or she will follow them and then be disappointed when or if they dont. Now I have said my peace! (and im not even a man lol)</div>
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It does not even make sense how this would work in a family setting. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
If a vegitarian is against the killing of animals, are you proposing that they still serve animal flesh so that there daughter may have a choice?<br><br>
That seems silly to me.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boongirl</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think a person can take their child to a peace rally and not be forcing their antiwar beliefs on their child. And, they can raise their child as a vegetarian and still be respectful of their child if he or she decides to eat meat. Also, you can take a child to church regularly and be respectful of them if they so choose to believe differently. You can have your child participate in your life, and thus your beliefs, without cramming it down their throat. It is a matter of being respectful, which, granted, some people are not.</div>
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Respect is the key <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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My friend is a vegetarian. Her husband is not. They arent going to eat seperate. He prepares his food,she hers. Thats <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: their situation, I dunno.
 

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Honestly, I think the notion that it's even possible to raise children in a "values neutral" kinda way is absurd. I think that when parents strive not to teach their own "values" to their child, a value is still being passed on-- that it's okay to stand by and watch, or to turn your head and refuse to see, while wrong is being done. I want my child to grow up knowing that if something is wrong or unjust, she as an individual has a responsibility to take action to put it right. A pluralistic and democratic society cannot survive if individuals are not willing to get involved and take action. And how else will she learn that without her parents as models? If we don't pass on our values to our children, somebody else is going to do so. And frankly, I'd rather my child learned and lived my own values, than that she learn about wrong and right from television, which is where far too many children seem to be acquiring their value systems.<br><br>
My own values are a far cry from what conservative, religious people mean when they talk in the public arena about "family values." And when my child nears adolescence, and feels the urge and the need to explore her own ideas about what is wrong and right, and to try on identities that differ from my own, I will not stand in her way. But while she's young? My values are the armor I put on her to protect her from being blown every which way while she's growing her own roots.
 

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Holy mixed metaphors, Batman. For which I humbly apologize....
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My friend is a vegetarian. Her husband is not. They arent going to eat seperate. He prepares his food,she hers. Thats <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: their situation, I dunno.</div>
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Sorry, I misunderstood.<br><br>
I thought they were BOTH vegitarians and you felt they should allow meat into the home so that their daughter could make her own choice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you everyone for the replies. You are such smart mamas! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
I feel much better with all of your support. The one thing I forgot to mention is that dh and I are very serious about homeschooling ds so it's good that we are opening up this topic now because I'm sure it is very relevant to homeschooling later. Of course, we did go to the peace rally yesterday. Ds enjoyed watching all the people and listening to the live music. And being a toddler, his favorite moments were when he got to play with a friend's dog and run down an enormous grassy hill. I guess that sums it up - mom and dad go to march for peace, child makes of it what he will (in this case - doggies and being outside - his two obsessions).<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Peace.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Peace">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My friend is a vegetarian. Her husband is not. They arent going to eat seperate. He prepares his food,she hers. Thats <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: their situation, I dunno.</div>
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This is a total aside but I had a vegetarian friend who was dating a non-vegetarian girl, and when she was mad at him, she'd put meat(ground up no less) in the food so then he'd have to go cook. It's a bit passive-aggressive.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boongirl</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It is impossible to raise a child in a completely objective manner..... You can raise a child knowing what you believe and also raise him to be respectful of you and of others. .</div>
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I totally agree. My DH and I were discussing the things that we knew our parents had strong opinions about - and how we knew it as kids even if they didn't come out & spell it out for us. Kids will pick up on your beliefs - even the ones that are somewhat subconscious. But in the same way that boongirl mentions - I agree that you can teach your own values and that respect for the different values of others should be one of those values.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Llyra</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I want my child to grow up knowing that if something is wrong or unjust, she as an individual has a responsibility to take action to put it right. A pluralistic and democratic society cannot survive if individuals are not willing to get involved and take action. And how else will she learn that without her parents as models? If we don't pass on our values to our children, somebody else is going to do so.<br>
.....And when my child nears adolescence, and feels the urge and the need to explore her own ideas about what is wrong and right, and to try on identities that differ from my own, I will not stand in her way. But while she's young? My values are the armor I put on her to protect her from being blown every which way while she's growing her own roots.</div>
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Well-said and I totally agree! I have my values because I believe they work towards a just society - and why wouldn't I want my daughter to believe in justice, democracy and equality? If someday she decides to believe in the opposite, that will be her choice - but in the meantime, those are the values of my household. Not that I'm going to hold hre down and force her to agree with everything I say, but that's how I will live my life, and she is a part of that life.<br><br>
WHen I was growing up, we went to sunday school and church every week, barring a stomach virus. As a teenager and adult, I question a lot of the beliefs of the church - but I am SOOOO grateful to have grown up believing that values are important and inform our actions - so when I developed my own values, I had the freedom to do so and the basis upon which to build them. I hope this makes sense - even though I don't have the same values I was raised with, I have strong values. If I wasn't raised with strong values, I don't know that I would magically have the tools to develop strong beliefs and stand by them even when times are tough.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">.......... I do disagree with any person forcing it. For examples...vegetarians. I have a friend who is vegetarian, her baby is 2 and she has been vegetarian since she started eating solids. I think did that baby say to her..hey mom, I dont want to eat meat????? NO. So what is she going to do when she reaches for her dads steak soon......</div>
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Ha ha...let me laugh first.<br>
Okay.....I'm a vegetarian for health reasons. I think it's better for my health. Your health-- I don't particularly care about. Eat Twinkies all day if you want, I don't really care. But considering I'm a mother, I'm supposed to care for my child, right? So why in heck would I feed my DD something I wouldn't consider fit for my own consumption? Do you drink bottled water and the feed your child the water with lead? Do you eat your veggies, and then give you kids the twinkies, if that's what they want? If that's how you do it, well....to each his own. But I don't feed my daughter the things I don't consider healthy enough for me. Of course, if my DD decides at an older age that she wants to eat meat, that's fine with me. But while she's too young to decide for herself-- I make her health oriented decisions for her. If you don't get that.....well, I can't explain it to you any better.<br><br>
Faith
 
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