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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have two teenage daughters with serious boyfriends. DD-18 is home from college for the summer, and is hoping her boyfriend (from college, who lives in another state) will come visit next month. DD-16 (almost 17) has a local, 18-yr-old boyfriend who just finished HS (she's got one more year). Both girls are open with us about their relationships; DD-18 is on birth-control, DD-16 is about to start. They have a 15-yr-old sister, and all 3 girls' bedrooms are clustered at the end of a hallway.<br><br>
Our dilemma is about how much privacy to give them. On the one hand, I'm glad they're open with us and not sneaking around behind our backs. On the other hand, I don't want to hear them, and certainly don't want their sister to hear them! We already told DD-18 that if her boyfriend comes to visit they won't be allowed to sleep in the same room, because her sisters don't need her sex life in their face. We haven't met her boyfriend yet, and she wasn't dating in HS, so our "experience," such as it is, is with DD-16 and her beau. They've been dating for almost a year; she drives (our car), he doesn't. Up till now, they've been allowed to hang out in her room but the door has to stay part way open, and he's not been allowed to be here if she's home alone (which rarely happens anyway since DH and I both work from home and we homeschool). Since we know they're getting ready to have sex, I figure the "home alone" rule will change; the problem is when we're home too...<br><br>
Last night they were getting fairly noisy; granted, little sis wasn't home and they knew we were watching TV, so they probably felt a bit free-er than usual. But we interrupted and asked them to respect our rules - the door stays open so they won't do things we don't want to hear, and they knew that - and talked about it some more later in the evening. The situation and rules are pretty much the same at his house, so they have very little privacy. (I told him he needs to get a good job and move out on his own if they want space, but that'll take a while...)<br><br>
I'm just confused about what to do, how much space/privacy to allow. Yeah, we know what they're doing, but we really don't want it in our face!<br><br>
Anyone BTDT? or have parents who handled these things well? HELP!!!!
 

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I'm not a parent of a teen but my mom handled me really well and I was far from easy. I also had a boyfriend I was very serious with when I was 17 who was a year older so I can relate to your younger daughter.<br><br>
So far you are doing everything right as far as I'm concerned. They trust you enough so you know they are using birth control. That is a huge deal. They respect you enough to at least try to follow the rules, that is a big plus!<br><br>
I don't know if you are looking for ways to try to keep the younger one at least from having sex with her boyfriend? Keeping the door open can help a bit, and I also was never allowed to sleep in the same room as boyfriend.<br><br>
The problem is that as horny teens who want to have sex they are going to end up doing it wherever they can. In a car, outside, anywhere! They will get creative because they know it isn't allowed at either home and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think there is really much you can do expect reinforce your expectations for respecting the rules of the house and then assume they are constantly trying to sneak around you behind your back to have sex. I know I was, and fyi this might be TMI but just to give you an idea, I on more than one occasion had sex with my BF in the living room with my mom's bedroom door wide open while she was in there about 15 feet away <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> and she never knew a thing. So don't assume just because the door is open they aren't doing it you know?!<br><br>
Honestly I think you are doing great and your girls are lucky to have such an open relationship. Not that many teens get that from their parents and it is so important!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks, Lauren!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ldavis24</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15411478"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know if you are looking for ways to try to keep the younger one at least from having sex with her boyfriend?</div>
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No - I know they haven't yet but will soon; the issue is how much privacy to give them when there are other people in the house vs. how much to force them to be "creative." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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All my kids are still little, so this comes from the perspective of someone who was very serious with a boy in high school (and later married him!).<br><br>
I don't think there is anything wrong with forcing them to be creative. I wasn't allowed to bring boys into my room AT ALL, so most of our, um, fun, was in the back seat of cars or hanging out at dh's house while dh's dad was at work (which was fine with dh's dad, BTW). And then later in dorm rooms and such.<br><br>
Now that dh and I are adults, we really look back on those times with a lot of laughter and fondness. We've even "recreated" some fun times in my car (although it loses a lot of its luster when you have to take car seats out of the back seat first <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ).
 

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as another woman who had a very serious bf as a teen (my DP, future hubby), I agree. there's really no harm in making them get creative, it's sort of fun.
 

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Just so you know, just because they are alone together (and sleeping in the same bed at night) doesn't mean they will have sex and if they do it doesn't mean anyone will hear it. I'm just not sure what having them sleep in separate rooms is really going to accomplish.<br><br>
In the end I see it this way... Is you and your husband sleeping in the same room and having sex in the house putting it in anyones face? If the answer is no, then I would think it would be the same for your daughters unless it's the pre-marital sex you have a problem with, which it sounds like you don't. I would focus more on keeping the noise level down than on the privacy.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>liberal_chick</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15412079"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We've even "recreated" some fun times in my car (although it loses a lot of its luster when you have to take car seats out of the back seat first <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ).</div>
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That just made me laugh out loud <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MusicianDad</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413420"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">In the end I see it this way... Is you and your husband sleeping in the same room and having sex in the house putting it in anyones face? If the answer is no, then I would think it would be the same for your daughters...</div>
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well, our room is at the other end of the house with well-insulated walls. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> the girls' rooms are all clustered together, so yeah, teenage sex would be right in little sis's face.
 

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i felt that they were much safer at home than being "creative" so once they were legal adults, i respected their privacy as long as they respected mine and their younger siblings'. I only had problems with one noisy girl friend-with-benefits; the serious relationships were fine. dd's boyfriend lived with us as part of our family for over a year.<br><br>
The toddler and i are right across the hall from the couple's bedroom and older ds slept in the living room when dd and her bf lived in it.<br><br>
it's one of those things you can't imagine yourself accepting until you actually have grown children, though.<br><br>
i had no issues whatsoever with embarrassing the noisy girl and can't exactly blame older ds for her behaviour. his serious girlfriend was a lovely person who never got in our face with their sex life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>noordinaryspider</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413751"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i felt that they were much safer at home than being "creative" so once they were legal adults, i respected their privacy as long as they respected mine and their younger siblings'.</div>
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Yeah, we actually realized last night that when older-DD's boyfriend comes to visit we can set up a room in the garage for them, since they are adults. the 16-yr-old doesn't get that option yet, though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">it's one of those things you can't imagine yourself accepting until you actually have grown children, though.</td>
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Yeah, I told them we're still figuring out how to deal with this, too - when they were little we were much more conservative so never imagined this situation!
 

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This might be TOTALLY out of your comfort zone, but maybe you could let 16 year old DD and her BF stay home alone on occasion? I don't know how your household runs, but I know when I was 18 and my BF would come over, we had to sleep in different rooms, but there were always times when we'd have the house to ourselves for awhile while my sister was at a friend's house and my parents were running errands...same at his house. However, if you guys are home frequently, obviously you don't want to make up outings just to give them alone time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I can understand the dilemma...you want them to be safe (and when you have to get TOO creative, safety can slip), but you don't want her sex life all in your other DD's face. I honestly have no idea what I'd do, but as someone not far out of my teens, I just wanted to say you're handling this wonderfully...creating boundaries, but not freaking out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KaylaBeanie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426176"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">as someone not far out of my teens, I just wanted to say you're handling this wonderfully...creating boundaries, but not freaking out.</div>
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Thanks! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> And yeah, we do plan to allow them alone time in the house, but it probably won't happen often.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Bunnyflakes</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15413471"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That just made me laugh out loud <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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Same here!<br><br>
I'm in a similar situation right now, so this thread is very interesting for me. (My daughter will be 17y soon, with a recently aquired boyfriend.)<br><br>
"I can understand the dilemma...you want them to be safe (and when you have to get TOO creative, safety can slip), but you don't want her sex life all in your other DD's face. I honestly have no idea what I'd do, but as someone not far out of my teens, I just wanted to say you're handling this wonderfully...creating boundaries, but not freaking out."<br><br>
Yes. In our case there are 3 younger brothers (12y, 9y, 6y) - but I'm still thankful she's open with us. I'd much rather have them here at home than her telling me she's at a (girl)friend's house when she's actually with her boyfriend. Cars aren't really an option here (see location - no teenage driving around here) but I guess where there's a will there's a way?
 

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Well...it's good that they're on birth control, and can trust you and vice versa. But I think they shouldn't be doing the dirt in the home? which sounds stupid now. At least while you guys aren't home, and the little sister, but then again the 15 year old shouldn't have to be kicked out of the house so they can get it on. Not sure how to handle that...
 

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I have a 1 year old, but was once a teenage girl with VERY strict parents. So, we parked, or did it when my parents were in the other room. In my opinion, neither of those options is a great idea. Parking out in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, is just not safe...there was actually a couple attacked doing this exact thing when I was younger, and I believe one of them was killed. Not to mention, it's against the law & they could get in trouble for it. And parents walking in on teens having sex because they didn't know they were?? That's super awkward--even more so than KNOWING they are doing it and avoiding them.<br><br>
I don't see what the problem is with allowing them to have the door shut and music on, if you know they are doing it and don't care. If they are old enough to be having sex, aren't they old enough to know they shouldn't make noise?
 
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