[darien]

Please.

I've posted a number of times now about my failing relationship with dp, and his poor parenting. Because I'm so wrapped up in wondering what the h*ll to do in regards to him, I'm not sure I can trust my own judgment about how he speaks to me. Essentially, I'd like to know what you think about a couple of "mini" arguments we've had this week.

A few days ago, my 2.5 ds asked dp what was wrong with the doorknob to his office. In a snotty manner, dp said "Well it seems to me that you or Moses [my daycare toddler] must have broken it."

I was surprised at this, and said (in what I think was a mild tone) "I never let them play with your door." Which is true! I suppose they could have done it, but I don't see how. The knob itself is fine-- there are just some metal rings between the knob and the door that are loose.

:

Dp shot back "FINE. I must be wrong. I guess I shouldn't say anything."

I started to feel mad, and I know I sounded irritated as I replied "I didn't SAY they definitely didn't do it; I'm just telling you there's probably another explanation!" Then I said "What's with your passive-aggressive fake apologies, anyway?" He did not answer.

:

Then today at dinner, ds 2.5 wanted to take a cloth cover off his chair, and dp said no. Ds pulled it off anyway. Dp said threateningly "Fine then. You'll have to wear a diaper. Should I get you a diaper?"

I hadn't said anything until then, but I felt I had to, because I didn't want dp to use diapers as "punishment."

: Ds is recently potty trained, and only wears diapers overnight (which dp would know, if he paid any attention). I don't WANT ds to think going back to diapers is an option, anyway! So I said (again mildly) "Ds doesn't wear diapers anymore."

Dp growls "So I guess I'm not allowed to say anything then!"

WTF! I'M the one not allowed to say any blasted thing! He apparently can leave 98% of the parenting to me, and then step in whenever he feels like it and be "King Daddy," whether he knows what he's talking about or not.

:

Was I out of bounds/b*tchy? What should I have said instead? I think that I'm being reasonable and he's being an a**, but I know that can't be true (at least not completely!

).

Wisdom, please.

 

[littlehawksmom]

He sounds really frustrated. my dh can be like this too. And although it is better to not discuss things in the moment, some things need to be said-like the diapers,a s you know you'll be the one dealing with that. or if something is being said to dc that is not at all helpful and it is going on and on. things are starting to get better with my dh. I read parenting books and quote things out of them, or (out of the moment)say things like, "xyz situation is hard, isn't it. it seems to help me when i ____".
Also, when snarky things are said, I treat dh the same as dc. i say, 'You seem really frustrated. Can I do anything to help?". And I will help, even though I really want to scream obscenities. And, depending on the situation and timing, I will say, "When I am told ____, I feel angry/sad/hopeless/frustrated. I would like to be told of the problem and then we can work on a solution together. We are here to help each other. I would love to help, if I know how. If I need your help, I will try to ask for it in a good way. Do you know of a good way that works for you?"
There ismore to this approach, but it's my bedtime. I had been letting my dh be like this for too long and I was resentful and angry. Reading Anger by Thich Naht Hanh was a real eye-opener for me. I highly recommend it. Even if you aren't angry, your dh is and it could help both of you (even if he won't read it). I got from my inter-library loan-and then bought it because it is helpin so much. And honestly, it was very hard to start this kind of dialogue with my dh. i was afraid I would not sound sincere, because I wasn't sure if I was. I mean I wasn't sure my dh deserved me being nice to him. Anyway, long story short, I found that carefully speaking to not lay blame by not using the word 'you' and asking dh to do the same has helped a lot.
Good luck. It can be so hard. For you and for him. Communication is the key. And if your dh is like mine, just the word communicate is enough to send him into the basement (his studio/sanctuary).

 

[emma_goldman]

Wow. I see what you mean.

I'm reading "Nonviolent Communication" by Rosenberg (you can find it at your library). I am asking my DP to learn some of the tools in the book with me and to help me practice them.

Another amazing book I'm reading is "Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay". This book has really helped me understand my needs in the relationship and to stick to seeing that they get recognized, i.e. respectful communication.

I'm lurking for others' advice!

 

[PikkuMyy]

With that snarky attitude about "the small stuff" it sounds like he's got a gripe about something larger that he's not talking to you about and it's coming out in those little interactions. Because he's being a total butt and his responses are not at all appropriate to the situation.

 

[woobysma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy With that snarky attitude about "the small stuff" it sounds like he's got a gripe about something larger that he's not talking to you about and it's coming out in those little interactions. Because he's being a total butt and his responses are not at all appropriate to the situation.

Yep, that's what it seems like to me, too. I think your responses were fine and appropriate. It sounds like he's got something bigger going on.

 

[kkeris]

Wow I could not take such lousy attitude from a DH! I think he is definitely pissy about something else and you need to find out what that is and see how you guys can work it out. But if this is what he is like all the time then there is definitely a very serious problem, no one should treat their loved ones this way and no child should see their dads speaking this way to their moms all the time.

:

 

[accountclosed3]

i agree with the PP who said that he sounds frustrated about a larger issue than these 'nitsy' ones.

i would suggest that at some point you sit with him and ask him what he's so upset about. if he doesn't have an answer, then ask him to contemplate it and let you know as soon as you can so that the two of you can work to make life better for him and your family.

assert also that his frustration is being taken out on your child and may have extreme effects in his behavoir and learning process. give the diaper situation as an example. remind him that potty training is often confusing and emotionally difficult for children, and that utilizing diapers as a form of punishment will only confuse him and make things more difficult for him and for you--the one trying to help him embrace this change.

do so calmly and openly so that he knows that you hear him, that you're not angry with him for being frustrated, and that you're trying to help him find a solution.

 

[happyhippiemama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by darien I Dp shot back "FINE. I must be wrong. I guess I shouldn't say anything." I started to feel mad, and I know I sounded irritated as I replied "I didn't SAY they definitely didn't do it; I'm just telling you there's probably another explanation!" Then I said "What's with your passive-aggressive fake apologies, anyway?" He did not answer. :

My DP does this exact same thing.

I'm a Virgo and admittedly overly-critical, but I've been trying SO DANG HARD to be gentle and ease off of him.....

but then even THEN I get this attitude from him.

And I, of course, the good and understanding partner that I am

, want to

: . It's like, why should I be nice to you - you're not even deserving it, you big ole SNARK!!

Ah. I feel better now. Thanks.

 

[mamameg]

My Dh and I have had some similar issues in the past. One thing I discovered was that he felt left out of a lot of things that go on around here, and resented when I would correct him about such things in front of the kids. He works A LOT and misses 99% of the day to day stuff. He hates that. He wishes he could be around more. So he really tries to jump in when he's here. But when he gets something wrong, and I correct him in front of the kids, it was making him feel really disconnected from us, AND like I am undermining his authority as their other parent, like he's a visitor in his own home. So he's agreed to not be snippy when he's feeling disconnected, and I've agreed to wait until later to address any corrections I might need to give him. It's helped a lot.

Not saying that's exactly what's going on with you, but the situations seem sort of similar, so I thought I would tell you what's worked for us.

To get to a place where you can have that conversation, bring it up at a time when you are both cool headed.

 

[lilyka]

I think you both need to work on your communication skills. You obviously don't think he is parenting up to your standards and he sounds very frustrated by you constantly judging his parenting. My dh talks to me the same way you talk to your dh and it drives me crazy. It leaves constantly at the breaking point when nothing I say is said the right way and nothing I do is done the right way . if I were you I would step back and let him parent and not worry if he does things the same way you do. things will probably even out after a little while. it still won't be done your way but it is ok for mom and dad to have different opinions.

 

[darien]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilyka I think you both need to work on your communication skills. You obviously don't think he is parenting up to your standards and he sounds very frustrated by you constantly judging his parenting. My dh talks to me the same way you talk to your dh and it drives me crazy. It leaves constantly at the breaking point when nothing I say is said the right way and nothing I do is done the right way . if I were you I would step back and let him parent and not worry if he does things the same way you do. things will probably even out after a little while. it still won't be done your way but it is ok for mom and dad to have different opinions.

I'll admit my communication skills could use improvement, but I DON'T constantly judge his parenting! In fact, I usually bend over backwards to make him feel good about his parenting-- because I want him to enjoy our kids and spend time with them.

I've been waiting for things to "even out" for the past 10 years. It's not that he wants to parent differently-- it's that he doesn't want to parent.

:

Thank you for the reality check and the suggestions, everyone! More always welcome.

 

[Emzachsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamameg My Dh and I have had some similar issues in the past. One thing I discovered was that he felt left out of a lot of things that go on around here, and resented when I would correct him about such things in front of the kids. He works A LOT and misses 99% of the day to day stuff. He hates that. He wishes he could be around more. So he really tries to jump in when he's here. But when he gets something wrong, and I correct him in front of the kids, it was making him feel really disconnected from us, AND like I am undermining his authority as their other parent, like he's a visitor in his own home. So he's agreed to not be snippy when he's feeling disconnected, and I've agreed to wait until later to address any corrections I might need to give him. It's helped a lot. Not saying that's exactly what's going on with you, but the situations seem sort of similar, so I thought I would tell you what's worked for us. To get to a place where you can have that conversation, bring it up at a time when you are both cool headed.

I agree. I used to do that all the time with dh when he was parenting...he wasn't doing it how I wanted him to so I felt like I needed to step in and tell him how its done. Now I try very hard to not 'correct' him in front of the kids.

 

[zansmama]

It sounds to me like he's feeling "left out" of the parenting somehow: dp has similar issues. Makes no sense to me. But I could see in these examples how your dp might feel like you weren't backing him up in front of the kids... I wonder how my situation would look to someone else

.

For instance the chair thing: he was clearly fishing for a way to respond to the little guy blatantly disobeying him. He wasn't aware (for whatever reason) of the diaper/discipline issue, so he used that. But it sounds to me like he felt your response was saying to him: "Don't try to assert your authority here. I have the final word." Although that's clearly not what you were saying.

:
Trying to figure out what dp hears me saying as opposed to what I've actually said, and then trying to get him to understand what I said in the first place can take hours. At this point I don't have too much advice except try to listen, and try to remember that for whatever reason, other people don't always hear the actual words that we say...