[majazama]

hey! We've got problems and I'm not afraid to talk about it... I argue w/ my partner a lot. I get so frustrated because I feel like I can't remember what happened 4 minutes earlier. I defend myself because that is what feels right. I asked him last night what he thinks about me in his vast knowledge of short-term memory. He told me that he thinks that I am just defending my ego, and that is why...

My partner has told me in the past that he knows that he has a really good short-term memory, and he doesn't want to use it against me. He actually promised me he wouldn't, so I don't feel stupid. Well, it seems to me that he continues to do that even more, since then! He is french-canadian, so french is his first language. Mine is english. But he does speak a lot of english. It's not as though he has a strong accent or anything.

I think the thing that I hate the most, done to me is being called stupid, next to being physically assaulted. He can call me a bitch, great, fine, lovin' it? But stupid?????? Maybe I am stupid for staying in this relationship for so long! I was raised with an awareness of women's equallity, strength, and intelligence. I know that he calls me stupid because he knows that is what gets me soooooooo pissed off. He has never physically assaulted me, so I thought I should head that one off at the pass.

I actually left about a week ago with the baby. Things had gotten too much for me. We are the same age, my p and I so maybe that is why we are so bull-headed about our opinions. We are both metal roosters, born in 1981.

When I was younger, I was a lot more clear-headed, and I always think that if I had seen him when I was going to school I think I would have steered clear of him. I wasn't attracted to him when I met him, and I think it was the same vice-versa as well. I feel so comfortably stuck. Sometimes we get along o.k. and I feel like we can work it out

. But why would I want to work something out that was never (in my opinion) supposed to happen anyways!!! When we got together I was at my (IMO) worst. I had on self-esteem, strength, courage... So I hung onto him like a barnicle, hoping he'd rescue me.

He is (as he tells me) a very good catch, and very faithful.

My mom loves him, and she never is helpful when I want to move out (it happens about once or twice a month). She is my only "friend" right now other than this board, here.

What would you do? I'm gonna write more when I get to it. Right now the baby need attention

 

[captain optimism]

What would I do? I'm going to answer it that way, instead of saying what you should do. First, I would make some friends IRL besides my mom and my partner. Go to the park with your baby in a sling or stroller and talk to the other moms, go to the library. You can't be dependent on your two closest relationships in the world, it's too much stress on them.

If there is time, money and agreement, I would go to counseling, because it worked for me before. But let's say you don't have those things.

I would try to win every argument by 1) not letting my dh tell me what I said and 2) not reacting to insults. I would also try to get the information out of the verbal attacks.

Why do you think you have a poor short-term memory and that he remembers what you said better than you do? If you are arguing, then he is also emotional, so he isn't hearing what you say without the noise of his own emotions. So don't let him tell you what you said. I wouldn't.

If you are getting defensive, then he must be attacking. Right? So the next time he says "you are getting defensive" I would say, "When you say 'blah blah blah', I feel attacked. That's why I sound defensive. Do you think you could talk to me in a way that doesn't sound like an attack?" And make him repeat his criticisms until they are actually statements of what he needs, and not attacks. That's what I would try to do.

If he does insult you and you react, then he wins the argument. (But not the relationship, the relationship will go

) But if you don't get mad, then you can find out what he really wants. If what he really wants is an emotional reaction, and you don't give it, then he won't get reinforcement for his bad behavior. Insulting your partner is really unacceptable. How can he say, "You are defending your ego" when he is using such bad language? That's something I wouldn't tolerate. But you can't get him to stop it if you are giving him his jollies by getting really upset.

If he can't stop his bad behavior, yeah, then leave. But if you think you can work it out, why not? You have a baby together.

(Side note: I did have a boyfriend once who asked me, in a public place, "Are you being deliberately stupid?" But it didn't make me mad, it made me laugh. After years and years of people telling me how smart I am, I just don't believe that I'm stupid. There are other words he could have used that would have made me crumple like a wet rag.)