[unfrozncavegrl]

So stbx is moving out the first friday of may (my birthday

) and we want to tell our children this weekend. They are 6, 5 and 8 months.

I read the Sandcastle Method book and understand that we need to be concise and initially impart the necessary info in about 1 minute. So we know we want to tell them that we will still be a family, just not a family living together. We want to tell them that we both love them and that they are safe. That they will still see daddy, and he will be living just few miles down the road.

Here's one question: He is leaving for a multitude of reasons. He is bipolar and feels that he needs his own space and cannot afford to provide for a family to the degree that he currently is. We are unhappy and argue too much. We are incompatible. We could focus on his illness rather then "mommy and daddy don't get along" If we tell them it is about the illness how do we go about that? "Daddy's doctor and daddy feel that he would do better if he lived alone"

We have brought up his mental health in the past, but not much. I don't want to scare them. Maybe it is just easier to say "mommy and daddy can't live together anymore because we argue too much.

I don't want him to move out, this is his decision, but I do understand. I am very emotional. So my next question: Is it ok to cry when we tell them or do I need to suck it up? My gut says no, be as positive as I can possibly muster.

I don't know.

 

[rubelin]

we have never said anything but vagueness to our kids about *why* Daddy moved out (or why he'd started sleeping in the spare room previously), and they didn't even really ask about it (oldest, who was 7, did later on). We only said he needed his own space, but not why he needed it. I did keep my emotions out of it, treated it as matter-of-factly as I could. I did cry quietly a bit around them at times when it just came out, but removed myself if I couldn't get it under control. I also didn't want my DH to leave but I never told the children that.

oh, we didn't ever talk about being a family or how we still love them or any of that. We just explained that Daddy was moving to X and they'd see him X times/days. We made sure they'd see him just as much as they always did so that it would disrupt their lives as little as possible.

 

[unfrozncavegrl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubelin we have never said anything but vagueness to our kids about *why* Daddy moved out (or why he'd started sleeping in the spare room previously), and they didn't even really ask about it (oldest, who was 7, did later on). We only said he needed his own space, but not why he needed it. I did keep my emotions out of it, treated it as matter-of-factly as I could. I did cry quietly a bit around them at times when it just came out, but removed myself if I couldn't get it under control. I also didn't want my DH to leave but I never told the children that. oh, we didn't ever talk about being a family or how we still love them or any of that. We just explained that Daddy was moving to X and they'd see him X times/days. We made sure they'd see him just as much as they always did so that it would disrupt their lives as little as possible.

nak wow, that's interesting. i think had I not read the sandcastle book, it would have been my inclination yo be vague.

no i am really confused!

 

[NolaRiordan]

Are you planning on telling them together? I do think that's preferable.

My X refused to do it together with me. So I took them to a park and told them there while we were having a snack at the picnic table. Things were so horrendous at home I know my 8 yo had a sense that it was coming. My 5 yo was more oblivious. I said I was sure they knew that Daddy and I hadn't been getting along really well. And they nodded. Then I said that we both loved them very much and we had decided it would be best for all of us to have 2 separate houses and they would spend time with each of us. My DD (8) asked if we were getting a divorce and I said yes. DS (5) said he wanted to live with me. And I said they would be living in 2 houses and they would have fun in both places.

Then DD asked me if we still loved each other. I said that was a hard question to answer. And at this point I broke down. I said I would always love Daddy because he and I together had made them and I loved them so much. But that no I didn't love Daddy like husbands and wives love each other. We all hugged and cried together.

I dreaded the whole thing for SO long, and all in all it went OK. And it really was a huge relief to have it out in the open and be able to talk about it.

I agree about not giving too many details. Stress that you love them. And only answer the questions they ask.

Best of luck to you. This is a HUGE hump to get over.

 

[unfrozncavegrl]

Thank you for sharing your story!

I am worried, but do have a feeling that it is going to be alright. I am more worried about telling my 82yo father!

ETA: Yes, it will be together.

 

[Isamama]

What a timely post. I will be going through this soon. I would appreciate reading even more experiences. Thanks OP and everyone for sharing. And I am sorry OP! Big hugs!!

 

[rubelin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unfrozncavegrl I am worried, but do have a feeling that it is going to be alright. I am more worried about telling my 82yo father!

seriously, talking to my parents about it was a zillion times harder. They didn't get visitation time with ex so they completely lost a part of their family.

I've found over the last 2 years that telling the kids about it is an ongoing, unfolding kind of process. As they get older they ask more questions if they were even old enough to understand anything to begin with. And you just answer as honestly as you can for who they are. My oldest is almost 9 and he asks more personal questions now and I'm willing to be a bit more raw with my feelings now. When he was barely 7, I kept it a lot simpler and with my little one, he just cares who's house he's sleeping at each night