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Some background: I'm about 13 weeks pregnant with my 4th DC, and have 6 yo DS, 4.5 yo DD1, and 2 yo DD2. My current pregnancy was actively planned and TTC, though we have been more-or less "not planning, not preventing" with the older kids. I have been extraordinarily lucky to have had healthy kids and relatively uncomplicated pregnancies and births with my DDs, though DS's pregnancy and birth did have several serious complications-- I am metabolically fit as a fiddle, but I have a prosthetic aortic heart valve and have to take anticoagulents that are considered tetragenic (Coumadin/warfarin), which makes my pregnancies high-risk. We live a fairly crunchy lifestyle-- natural/organic/local food, natural/holistic remedies, AP parenting, extended breastfeeding, etc, and I have struggled to accept the medical necessity of daily medication, monthly Cardiology visits, and high-tech pregnancy care when I would much prefer a midwife-attended homebirth.<br><br><span style="color:#FF0000;"><span style="font-size:large;">Trigger warning in this section:</span></span><br>
This past spring, I found out I was pregnant. I was really happy, so was DH, and we told friends and family really early, since I'd had such good outcomes in the past. However, "something" didn't seem right about the pregnancy-- it turned out I had a blighted-ovum and miscarried (naturally) at about 10 weeks, in July. Our friends were happy to hear that we were pregnant, sad for us when we told them about the loss. My parents, on the other hand, were less than thrilled when we told them I was pregnant again. Mind you, I'm a married adult with 3 kids already, and though we don't have a ton of money, we have just enough to squeak by living frugally and simply. When my dad, who tends to speak without thinking anyway, learned that I had miscarried, he actually called me and said "I was glad to hear about your reabsorption (meaning the fetus either didn't form or was reabsorbed by my body). Good thing you didn't have a real miscarriage!" Thing is, I did have a real miscarriage-- there wasn't a fetus, but there was a 10 week placenta that had to pass (TMI: it did, over about a week, with <i>a lot</i> of blood loss in the first couple of days). It was and wasn't hard for me to deal with-- I was sad about losing that pregnancy, and worried that my fertility was waning and my uterus hostile, but glad that my body recognised a problem and terminated early... Anyway, I was especially upset that my parents, to whom I'm usually very close, and who are usually very supportive of me, had reacted so negatively when they found out I was pregnant, and relieved when I lost the pregnancy... <span style="color:#FF0000;"><span style="font-size:large;">(end trigger)</span></span><br><br>
I guess I am still processing all of that, now that I'm writing about it, because although I've told some friends (it slipped out on Facebook when I made a post about being sick and tired...), I have not yet told my family. Everybody was at my house on Thanksgiving, and I planned to share the news then, but I didn't. I could have told them at breakfast this morning, but I didn't. Again, we are happy about this pregnancy, and really wanted another baby/kid, but I just don't want to deal with another negative reaction from my parents and siblings. Now I'm wondering if I should "tell" them at all, or just let them figure it out when it becomes obvious that the weight I'm gaining isn't from too many Christmas cookies... My family isn't anywhere near toxic, and might even be semi-functional, but I do think they think DH and I are nuts for wanting more kids (and they do have valid concerns, given my medical history and our slim finances, but we did take all of that into consideration when TTC, you know?)<br><br>
This is mostly a vent, but I would love advice, commiseration, BTDT, etc!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry your dad was so insensitive about your loss.<br><br>
This is #4 for us, unplanned (and #3 was unplanned too, a birth control pill baby <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> ). While I had some great reactions from my friends, I knew that my family would be unsupportive. I'm 34 years old, married with 3 kids and we are secure (if not well-off) financially. Yet you would think I was a 14 year old who got pregnant while skipping school. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"> I waited until ~10 weeks to tell my dad and step-mom. Well, I told my step-mom on the phone, and she immediately said "Oh, I guess R never went and had his little procedure done" while my father went to the kitchen and got a glass of Tanqueray. No congratulations, anything. (Though I did immediately inform her that DH's medical decisions were no concern of his in-laws. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> ) FIL's response was "sh*t happens". (FIL who has 4 kids himself.) And some [email protected]$$ comments from my brother also.<br><br>
I live on the other side of the country from my family, and right now that makes me very happy.<br><br>
So I don't have any advice for you, just commiseration and some hugs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Hi! I too am pregnant with my 4th child. My second has cerebral palsy and so some things are quite a bit more work for us. We planned this 4th pregnancy and are very excited about it. We also feel that this 4th will really make our family complete!<br><br>
I don't have any major health issues myself (just ulcerative colitis) and when I told my Dad I was pregnant he said, "Well you better make sure nobody ever gives you a gun if you're stupid enough to have 4 kids." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
I was totally pissed when he said it (it was on the telephone) and basically I just went on to tell him that we were happy about it and very much wanted to have this baby. When I got off the phone and told my husband what a total jerk my Dad had been he immediately said that I should have told my Dad to stop projecting. (I love him! He's always got just the right thing to say!) So I haven't spoken to my Dad since then but do plan on using that line when he is certain to bring it up again.<br><br>
The thing is, I feel like most everyone tells us we are crazy and quite honestly I am sick of feeling like I need to defend ourselves and our choice to have one more child. We are married adults who have NEVER asked anyone in our families for ANY help or money.<br><br>
With all that said, people are just jerks sometimes and they project their own crap on others. I understand your hesitancy to tell them (in fact, my MIL had so much to say about the fact that we shouldn't have more than 3 children cause it was so hard for *her* to have 3 that when I got pregnant with my third we didn't tell her until the day I had the baby! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">)<br><br>
When and if you do decide to tell them you might want to preface it with the fact that you don't want their advice or input unless it is positive and completely supportive. Keep us updated, I'm curious to know if other families are as ridiculous as mine! Good luck Mama!
 

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I haven't told anyone either yet. We've told a few friends and DPs mom knows, but that's about it. His mother was excited and won't say anything negative to us about anything like that. (She already has a screw up for a child - DPs sister - so she gets all that out with her. Plus all DPs father ever did was spew negativity and we haven't spoken to him in years. And we're 1200+ miles away from her so the few times she actually sees us, there's really no need to be negative.) My biggest concern is my mother. She loves to exarggerate and just plain lie about everyone else's feelings and reactions to things. She also loves to ignore boundries and show no one but herself respect. Not only will she freak out ("you can't afford the child you have. why are you having another one?") but she will make sure she tells everyone so that I can't. She just has to be the center of attention. Ugh.<br><br>
My only suggestion is to be prepared to leave. If you are telling them in person, make sure you do it someplace other than your home. That way you can leave if they start being rude and awful. If you tell them over the phone, just tell them "you're being very rude and disrespectful. I'm hanging up now" and do just that. I have to do that to my mother all the time, over every tiny thing. I either have to gather my stuff and leave or hang up the phone. It's annoying but sometimes it is effective. Either way, it definitely makes you feel better and takes you away from all that stress.
 

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I'm also due with #4 very much wanted and hoped for. We're not telling people yet (I think I'm about 10 weeks) and I don't really know when or if I will want to. My son let it slip to my inlaws and their reaction was "you know there are ways to prevent that right?"<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> I know how it hurts to not have your pregnancy accepted by your family, I've been upset about it all day myself.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br>
I hope when it does come out that you don't get any insensitive comments and since I'm sure most of the mamas in this thread haven't gotten enough of this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">
 

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Thanks, everybody <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
My dad is actually still here at my house for the holiday-- he usually lives about 3 hours away, but we talk on the phone a couple times a week, at least. I haven't said anything to him, yet, and have been disguising my belly with T'giving dinner, a long cooking apron, a bulky coat, etc. He hasn't said anything, yet, but it might be a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. In July, when I was about 6 weeks pregnant with the blighted-ovum, he oh-so-tactfully asked "Are you pregnant again, or just getting fat?" to which I replied "A little from Column A, a little from Column B" (FWIW, my dad is 5'7 and about 300lbs, so he's not one to lecture about being overweight. I'm not skinny, 5'1 and around 130 when not pregnant, but I'm not obese, either).<br><br>
My mom lives about 15 minutes away, and watches my older kids twice a week when I'm at work. I talk to her pretty much daily. She was very sympathetic when I had the miscarriage in July, especially since she had 3 miscarriages back in the very early '80s, herself, before and after she had me (I'm the oldest of 3). Besides that, she was looking forward to another baby in the family, despite her initial negativity toward the pregnancy in the summer (she has a lot of other stress in her life, and tends to be negative and depressive, anyway). She has repeated told me that my kids are one of her biggest joys and her reason for living (a whole 'nother set of issues there, of course <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> ) My kids came with me to an OB appt. last week, saw a sono, and were excited to tell Grandma about the doctors looking inside my body. I asked them to keep that a secret, for now...we haven't formally announced it to them, either, but I think they have their suspicions, as they are pretty sharp kids.<br><br>
My brother and sister both live in the same city as my dad, and I haven't told them yet, either. My brother just has a huge big mouth and doesn't keep anything to himself-- he'd call everybody in his phone and alert his 400 facebook friends before I'd even finished the sentence. My sister would be happy for us, I'm sure, but would gossip behind my back, since she has a MA in Education and knows oh-so-much about children and parenting :roll, especially since she just got married in the spring and has been teaching ESL for almost a whole year...<br><br>
DH's family would be happy for us, I'm sure, and far more likely to be non-judgemental (or at least moreso than mine). They all live close by, too, but we only see them once in a while (every month or so). My MIL and FIL can't really be too critical, since they had 8 kids and an extremely tight budget, themselves (DH is the youngest of the 8 in his family by 6-20 years, and very much the baby of the family). Our kids are the same age as his siblings grandkids-- I'm actually younger than some of their kids, which makes for an interesting dynamic at family gatherings!<br><br>
Anyway, thanks again, mommas <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> . I knew I would be welcomed back at MDC <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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We're going through the negative reaction thing with my crappy family, too. We got pregnant with #1 when I was 18 and dh was 20, in college, had been together all of 3 months. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> Then when dd was 2, we started ttc. We tried for 2 years and finally got pregnant with ds. When he was almost 2, we started ttc again. 1 1/2 years it took that time. My family SUCKED when we told them about #3. We had our girl and our boy, why did we need another? But my SIL had just had their third, so of course it must have just been jealousy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"> This time, we weren't really trying, per se. I had gone off bc, we were in the middle of moving back to WI from MI, life was very hectic. When we found out I was pregnant, we were thrilled. I've always wanted 4 or 6 children. We had been planning on ttc in about 8 months. Yes, this is not great timing. We just moved and have to completely change our lifestyle due to a HUUUGE paycut for my dh and the prospect of him going back to school. But it's a baby, made out of love. How can we be anything but thrilled?<br><br>
His parents were very happy for us. My MIL was only ever able to have 1 child, and she knows that I've always wanted 4. She understands that we may not be the best off financially, but if we wait until we are, we will regret for the rest of our lives not having more.<br><br>
My parents SUCK. We weren't going to tell my mom until after the u/s, scheduled for this coming Monday. I went out to Mexican with her one night and didn't order a margarita and wouldn't taste hers. She figured it out then. She said "oh, Tiff, you're not..." No congratulations, nothing. She insisted that I had to tell my dad, so the next time I saw him I told him. He said "No! I thought you guys were done" like he was really irritated. I said "no, we were never done. I have always wanted 4." He responded with "so are you done after this one?" I said I didn't know for sure and walked out of the room. I told my mom later that it really hurt that they reacted like that. My grandpa and aunt (again, my mom insisted that I "present" them with the news) just said "oh, really?" Again, no congratulations. My brother and SIL mustered up congratulations, at least.<br><br>
I'm just irritated with their reactions. No one has ever reacted that way to my SIL's 3 pregnancies or any of my cousins' pregnancies. Just because I have 3 children, I'm not supposed to have any more? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">
 

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It really seems like a lot of you mammas getting negative reactions are having bigger families. Not sure if this is helpful to hear, but, fwiw, I absolutely LOVE being one of five children! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> There wasn't a lot of money when I was growing up, but I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for a childhood that involved more restaurant meals or bigger birthday presents. We've had our good times and our fights, but we're all still quite close and love getting together. I truly believe that being part of a big loving family is an amazing gift for each of your kids.<br>
DH and I have always wanted to have a bigger family (4 or 5 kids), and were so sad when we realized that it just wouldn't be possible for us (ICSI IVF is sooooo expensive!).<br>
I hope you'll all think of what you're giving your children next time some insensitive jerk implies that you should have stopped after DC number 2. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"><br><br>
I'm the youngest of 4 children, so I'm really glad my parents didn't stop at 2 or 3!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I'm sorry OP, thats a no fun situation to be in.<br>
I am going to offer another perspective, maybe just as a way to help you feel something different besides anger for your family and situation. Not that its not a valid feeling, but I just find, with my family, I sometimes have to step outside of the emotion in order to get to a place of peace with it.<br><br>
About the time that DS turned 1, I kinda had this epiphany about my family...well, my mom in particular as she is the main parent in my life. Like you, generally functional and all, but its not like she always said the perfect thing. I looked at DS and realized, "I love this child in a crazy way. I am going to try hard throughout my life to be open and rational about the interactions I have with him, but honestly, sometimes thats not going to be possible. Because I just love him in such a raw and primal way. There is nothing logical about it at all. And as such, I'm not always going to make rational decisions..."And then, as I looked at my mom, honestly, I absolved her of all her sins, for lack of a better term.<br>
She still drives me crazy sometimes and says things that may come across as hurtful on one level, but honestly, I GET IT now. She is loving me the best way she knows how. There are some decisions she may not want me to make because, in her mind, its going to make my life "harder" and all she wants is for me to be happy and unburdened.<br>
Try to accept the fact that they may not say the right thing again. Feel confident in your choices, but feel equally as confident in your family's love for you and their desire for you to be happy. The fact that you have a health issue as well, has to make it hard for them, put yourself in their shoes with one of your kids. You'd, of course, want to respect their decisions and be open and know they have good care, and all that, but OF COURSE you would worry. You're a mama, thats what you do!<br>
We had an attempted homebirth our last birth and it brought out all these crazy sides of our whole family at the end as I went way past my due date. Things that, at first, came across as really hurtful and condescending and that honestly still rile me up a bit. But they don't live in my mind and my life and aren't able to have all the information I have to make the confident decisions I do. As a result, their worries became fear, and then the fear got the best of them, and with my BIL, became anger. But it all came from love.<br><br>
I know this is rambling, but hope it helps! Stay strong, mama. I'm sorry its not as joyful of an occasion as you deserve it to be, but it doesn't mean it can't be a loving occasion.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>*J*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14732423"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It really seems like a lot of you mammas getting negative reactions are having bigger families. Not sure if this is helpful to hear, but, fwiw, I absolutely LOVE being one of five children! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> There wasn't a lot of money when I was growing up, but I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for a childhood that involved more restaurant meals or bigger birthday presents. We've had our good times and our fights, but we're all still quite close and love getting together. I truly believe that being part of a big loving family is an amazing gift for each of your kids.<br>
DH and I have always wanted to have a bigger family (4 or 5 kids), and were so sad when we realized that it just wouldn't be possible for us (ICSI IVF is sooooo expensive!).<br>
I hope you'll all think of what you're giving your children next time some insensitive jerk implies that you should have stopped after DC number 2. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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Thank you for that. It's stories like theses that get me through some days<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">.
 
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