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Discussion Starter #1
<p>Hi all...</p>
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<p>This is my first post here as I'm new to the loss forums as of July when I discovered I was having a missed miscarriage that finally ended at 14wks. </p>
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<p>Well, I just discovered that after two months of trying, I'm 4w1d pg with an EDD of August 6, 2011. </p>
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<p>I'm so, so scared!  I can't even get excited yet because i have ZERO pg symptoms.  I know it's super early and I really never had any symptoms at just 4 wks with either of my previous pg, but I really need something more than a line on the stick telling me that there's really a bean in there.  I haven't even called my OB yet because I'm kind of in denial.  I'm not really scared of an early loss per se, just that something will go wrong at some point. </p>
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<p>How on earth do I deal with this for the next 36 weeks?!?  When can I let myself be happy?</p>
 

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<p>Hi Erica,</p>
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<p>My losses were both very early (4w3d and 5w1d), but I'm also somewhat in denial/disbelief about pregnancy (5w5d Sunday).  I can't bring myself to tell ANYONE or schedule any appointments, etc.</p>
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<p>I was also super scared and nervous when I was pregnant with my son, and he stuck just fine.  But this anxiety is even worse because I feel like I have no reason to believe this will work out!  Which isn't true, I think/hope.</p>
 

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<p>I am not that far ahead of either of you ~ but will tell you to embrace the anxiety because it will stick around for awhile. I was scared too at 4w3d (which is when I tested) and there are still days at 9 weeks that I am scared. The symptoms started kicking in for me kind of around 6 weeks and then heavily around 8 weeks...and those at least took my mind off of the anxiety. When I was just starting out on the PAL journey I kind of felt like it was going to be a never-ending road ahead...felt like time was just dragging by me so slowly. It is starting to pick up and I am starting to feel better about this pregnancy. We have just told friends this weekend IRL and it still feels a bit like an out-of-body experience when I tell people we are expecting...kind of feels like I am talking about someone else.</p>
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<p>I went in during my second week after my BFP and got blood draws to make sure the levels were rising appropriately which helped a little. Then I got an early u/s which helped with dating (because I got pregnant before AF after m/c). That combined with setting some little milestones for myself were what brought me through (and crying on my mother's shoulder when I was scared the most).</p>
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<p>Hang in there and try not to analyze every little thing ~ but coming from me I can tell you that is easier said than done in early PAL...so just do what you have to do to make it through and focus on the finish line ahead! It is far tougher than I ever thought it would be ~ I had imagined that once I got past 6w5d (which is when I m/c) that I would feel this relief ~ but while it did help it did not bring some amazing wave of relief I had imagined it would bring me!</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #4
<p>Thanks so much for all the encouragement, ladies.  I've been so scared to join in the conversations in the PAL section, because it's like acknowledging the pg when I'm not really ready to.  But I guess we're all in the same boat over here and it's really better to have some support that I won't be getting IRL.</p>
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<p>Javilu:  Did you tell your DH?  Or have you truly told nobody? </p>
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<p>Loki:  Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me.  It's nice to know what to expect in the coming weeks. <span><img alt="smile.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="width:16px;height:16px;"></span>  I started testing at 10DPO and got my first, very faint, positive at 12DPO.  I'm now at 16DPO and the test line is still lighter than the control line.  It's my own damn fault for testing so early.  With my DS and my loss, I didn't even test until 3 days after I expected AF to show up and got very strong BFPs on the first shot with both pg's. I wasn't charting then, but it would've been about 15-16DPO. Then pg symptoms kicked in about 1-2 weeks later.  That means I'm still 1-2 weeks out from any pg symptoms even beginning, but I've known I'm pg for almost a week already.  It's maddening!  I'm gonna call my OB tomorrow to see if they'll be willing to do a blood test under the circumstances.</p>
 

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<p>Erica - I haven't told anyone I know in real life at all, my husband included!  I just cannot even FATHOM "untelling" him again.  I'm waiting until 6 weeks, but I don't have any real reason why.  I almost told him today, as I've been having some really undeniable waves of nausea, but I figure I can hold out another day.</p>
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<p>I also have an online journal and I haven't talked about it there, either.  I think my "friends" will scold me, or something, for not taking a month off after my second loss.</p>
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<p>This thread has me wondering if the women's health center I'll go to for prenatal care will schedule me sooner than usual since I technically don't have an AF for dating purposes.  I haven't had a *real* period since August, since I had a loss in September and October...</p>
 

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<p>It is maddening for sure! And of course today my symptoms have dropped off just a little...not as much MS and feeling a little less fatigued (of course I did take an hour nap this afternoon and slept in until nearly 9 a.m.)...so of course I am worrying myself silly. I have posted on other threads but have a friend that experienced a bad situation where she had to terminate her pregnancy last week (she was 15 weeks). They found out on the 12 week u/s screening that she had a 1 in 3 chance of downs and several other abnormalities. So of course as soon as she found all of this out it scared me to death again ~ even though she is 5 years older and most of her complications are age related. I think part of my anxieties today is that we have started telling people IRL and now I am scared that I am going to have to go back and tell people we lost the baby or something.</p>
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<p>Talking with my friend today though ~ we were discussing the "when to tell" question and she said if she had it to do all over again she still would have told when she did simply because she needed the support. I think we will probably wait until after my screening on Dec 16th to tell people but Tuesday I hope I get to hear the HB so that I can bring myself some much needed relief this week.</p>
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<p>So like I said ~ the anxiety sticks around so make friends with it...that little voice in your head is not leaving anytime soon (wish I could say differently). I spent Friday and Saturday crying because I was so miserable and wishing for a reprieve from being so sick...and now that I have it the anxiety has crept back into my life! Just a no win situation ~ I think that I will only stop feeling the anxiety once I start feeling the baby move and even then...I probably won't completely stop with the anxiety until I have that baby in my arms!</p>
 

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<p>lokidoki ~ You did an excellent job of describing exactly how I feel. It's like someone else is pg, not me. I'm 5w2d and while my hpts are getting darker and darker I don't really have any symptoms. I don't feel pg at all. My breasts had started to feel a bit swollen and tender but today I swear they feel like they are back to normal. I also woke up this morning with a thought that it was over. The baby was dead. I hope it was just fear and not intuition. I took a hpt and the line is still there and very dark but that doesn't really mean anything at this point. I would expect to still have dark hpts even if I were going to m/c.</p>
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<p>I need to make to next week when I can get an u/s. If I see a heartbeat, I'll feel a little better, I think. Then I need to make it past 11w, which is when my latest m/c occurred. Then I don't know. I wish I had some symptoms besides just + hpts. I want to feel pg. Whenever I don't feel pg, I miscarry.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #8
<p>My line was a little darker today, but still no real symptoms.  Every once in a wile I think I might be feeling a teeny tiny wave of nausea, but it might just be in my head.  My typical first symptoms are fatigue and sore boobs, but I'm no more tired than normal and my ds is still nursing without any pain at all.  I did manage to bring myself to call my ob today though.  I'll go for my initial visit with the midwife/NP on Thursday and have an U/S scheduled on Dec 29th.  My milestone is going to be 9 wks, because that's what my baby was measuring when we discovered it had passed at my first u/s at 11 wks last time.</p>
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<p>Wish me luck!</p>
 

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<p>erica - if it makes you feel any better, i read in adventures in tandem nursing that while lactating, the progesterone receptors in our breasts are suppressed, so that might explain a lack of general breast tenderness at the very beginning of pregnancy for some women.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #10
<p>Javilu:  That's really interesting.  I've never read that before.  I did still have pretty intense sore boobs when I was pg with the baby we lost and I was also nursing my son at that time too.  But like they always say, each pregnancy is different, right?</p>
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<p>I finally called my OB and scheduled the first couple of appointments for prenatal care.  I'll meet with the NP/midwife on Thursday and my first U/S is scheduled for December 29th.  I'll be about 8.5 wks then.  The first U/S in my last pg (my m/c) was at almost 11 wks and that's when we discovered that the baby had no heartbeat, so I'm glad this one is going to be sooner.  I'm really dreading that U/S though.</p>
 

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<p>Erica ~ I went through something similar when I got pg in May 2009. I was trying to be very hands off because I had done so much medical stuff when I was pg with ds2 and ds3. I wanted to have a "normal" unadulterated pg for once. I saw my midwife at about 9w at which time she tried to find the heartbeat with her doppler but couldn't. No biggie because you can't always hear it that early. I had had a feeling for about a week, though, that something was wrong. I called the OB and got in for an u/s the next week. That's when we saw that the baby did not have a heartbeat. It had grown to about 8w size, which is right when I started having the feeling that something was wrong. It's kind of weird to look back on now because I totally lost it emotionally at that 8th week for no apparent reason. I miscarried at 11w.</p>
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<p>I've had 2 more miscarriages since then so this time I'm going to go with all the medical intervention needed. I hate that I need it but need to accept that it has to be done if I want to have a healthy baby. I had an unscheduled u/s yesterday and we actually saw the heartbeat! My doc said that with my history I could get an u/s every week until I reach 12w. I'm not sure if I want that many because I've read some questionable things about u/ses. I'm going to definitely get another next week and then decide about the next one after that, pretty go week to week and see how I feel. It's nice to know I can get one if I start to freak out.</p>
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<p>Apparently, because of my age and history, even after seeing the heartbeat, I still have at least a 20% chance of miscarriage. I'm trying to focus on the flip side of that, which is that I have an 80% chance of not miscarrying. Those are not bad odds, imo.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #12
<p>Marine Wife:  I'm so sorry for your losses. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
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<p>Congrats on seeing a heartbeat!!!!!</p>
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<p>It's so frighteneng to me that we (women) can birth healthy babies and then all of a sudden, can start having recurrent miscarriages.  Nature can be so cruel.  It's great that your doctor is letting you get ultrasounds on demand.  That would definitely give me more peace of mind.  I've even considered renting a doppler to use at home if this pregnancy makes it past the first trimester.</p>
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<p>I had almost the same experience as you.  I had decided to birth my next baby at home with a midwife, but also have concurrent care by my OB in case of complications.  My DS was born naturally in the hospital, but it was an uphill battle to stay intervention free.  I had my first appointment with the midwife at 9wks and she said she would not use the doppler that time because it would likely give a false reading and worry me for no reason. Plus, I had an appt at the OB for an u/s just a week and a half later.  Well, we went to the u/s appt and discovered that the baby had died at 9wks.  My poor babe probably didn't even have a heartbeat when I met with the midwife.  I never bled or had any cramping at all and I waited to m/c naturally for almost 4 weeks.  I ended up choosing to have a D&C because the waiting was agonizing.</p>
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<p>With this pregnancy, I'm not really even worried about an early loss or starting to bleed, although I'm not naive, I know it could still happen.  I'm terrified of not seeing or hearing a heartbeat when I go for any of my ultrasounds, first one or otherwise. </p>
 

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<p>Erica ~ I'm sorry you had to experience that. I know that fear. I was so afraid of not seeing anything on the u/s Tuesday that I almost turned around and went home several times. I couldn't even look at the screen at first. I waited for the doc to say something. Now I know I'm going to be afraid I'll go back next week and the heartbeat will be gone. Even though I've read over and over that the heart rate was actually on the high side for my GA I can't help being worried because it was lower than the normal 140. I need to just relax and let it go. For now, everything is good.</p>
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<p>I was looking up dopplers to rent and buy yesterday. I rented one when I was pg with ds2. I got a fetascope when I was pg with ds3 but it was hard to use and I couldn't hear the heartbeat with that until much, much later. Do you know a good place to get one? I just did a google search. It seems I could buy one for less than the total cost of renting one for 6-7 months.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #14
<p>I haven't looked into it yet, but a quick Google search shows them renting for about $45/mo or $100-$500 to pruchase.  I may call the midwife I'm plannign to use for homebirth to see if she has any recommendations.</p>
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<p>Yeah, that's what I found, too. I found some that could be bought for $149. One thing I'd pay extra for is a display of the heart rate.</p>
 
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