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i know how you feel. unfortunately i don't have any advice.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zenenlightened</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9039563"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just don't feel the same way I used to. I don't want his attention. That feeling of being in love is gone. I feel like we are on two separate pages and he's not reading mine.<br><br>
It's confusing to me. I don't want to be here yet I don't think I could leave. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:</div>
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No concrete advice, but some support and commisseration. I could have written your post, mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I haven't read this book yet, but it's on my list- it touches on what you're talking about. I've feel like I'm missing something in my life from time to time, although it waxes and wanes. Anyway, maybe this book could provide a little bit of clarity:<br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FOne-Discovering-Secrets-Soul-Mate%2Fdp%2F1401360246%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F002-6102712-0171259%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1188482412%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/One-Discoverin...8482412&sr=8-1</a><br><br>
ETA: The myspace book review gives a better description of the book, I think:<br><a href="http://www1.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=books.feature&asin=1401360246&Mytoken=E704E4BD-4F7F-4750-B9D760160A601B38-31" target="_blank">http://www1.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...0160A601B38-31</a>
 

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I've BTDT<br><br>
But I think sometimes it can be helped.<br><br>
I found the book "The Divorce Remedy" really helpful.<br><br>
OTOH there are times when it's just too late and nothing is going to change and I do understand that.
 

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I am another that knows how you feel. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> And also have no advise, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
 

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I am surprised how much a small, non confrontational, discussion about how we both feel and then being intimate afterwards can actually help things.
 

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Few things spring to mind when reading your post:<br><br>
1) We all have faults.<br><br>
2) Our faults are probably just as disenchanting to our partners are their's are to us.<br><br>
3) The intense "being in love" feelings of early relationships do not last forever. Love evolves into something less exciting and more stable. We often crave those intense "new" feelings because of the way the endorphines make us feel.<br><br>
4) Relationships ebb and flow. The hard part of commitment is being able to stick it out when you don't feel all those intense, lovey feelings.<br><br>
5) There is more to a good marriage than feeling all enamored with each other all the time. It is important to look at your partner and determine if the partnership is good, if ya'll work well together, even if you're not interested in falling all over each other all the time.<br><br>
6) Fake it til ya make it. Sometimes you have to go through the motions of being loving and attracted to your partner in order to remind yourself why you fell in love to begin with...<br><br>
7) Relationships take work from both partners. And lots of communication. Good luck finding something that works for you and your family.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br><br>
I hope your talk is helpful. Have you considered counseling?
 

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just stopping in to offer a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Hey mama, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I get the sense there is much more to this. I think we can be more helpful if you feel comfortable sharing. There are so many changes and stages in long term relationships. I think you'll find that a lot of us have been there too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Not to be too nosy but how's the sex life?<br><br>
That's a HUGE part of our marriage. And if "nobody's getting the job done" IYKWIM, that could be a real impediment to your intimacy and feelings of romantic love.
 

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This doesn't sound like a situation where the problems are insurmountable (you haven't stated the specifics, but just from what you've said and your general tone).<br><br>
I would pursue therapy on your own (and look into issues of depression, just to be safe). I would also get into marriage counseling. It sounds like there's a lot of finger pointing, resentment, and numbness in your relationship right now, and it's going to be hard for you guys to work on that constructively without guidance.<br><br>
You CAN get it all back. It just takes work. Individual therapy will help you figure out if you want to work at it, and perhaps why you don't feel the motivation to work on it. Couples therapy will help you guys get healthy again.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Wishing you happiness.
 

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I've been there on and off for the past year. We're about to "celebrate" our 8th anniversary - though we both feel too tired and overwhelmed to really celebrate.<br><br>
I'm trying to fulfill my own needs, mostly that has worked in our relationship, but sometimes it feels like too much work.<br><br>
I made the mistake last week of telling dh in front on ds that we were going to go to my sister's for a few nights, I needed to get away. It was devastating and I will never do that again. I saw how very clearly my child would be deeply wounded by a split from either or his parents. Both he and dh were crying uncontrollably, it was terrible.<br><br>
I feel the need to leave, but can't leave ds and can't take him away from dh.<br><br>
Like you, my dh is a wonderful dad, and even a wonderful husband. We've just got some major relationship issues - hamper by health and monetary issues. I know that feeling of being on different pages - or planets.<br><br>
I try to remember my dh is going through this life, and it's hard for him too. I know we love eachother - even though the spark has been gone for some time. I'm not real sure how many of his needs I am meeting anymore either.<br><br>
No real advice here, and I know our situations must be really different. I guess I just want to say, that the kids should come first. If there is no abuse - It did not sound like it. We can't rip their lives apart because we're not happy anymore - we've got to find a way to make ourselves happy in the lives we've got.<br><br>
I do have faith my marriage will get back to a place of love - I also know it could be some time and take alot of work.<br><br>
I hope something good comes of your talk.
 

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Having been on the other side of things, this is my advice. You probably aren't going to figure out what it is that you need without space. So take space, whether it be in the form of a long trip by yourself, or some kind of separation for a while, at the end of which you and dh reconvene and talk again.... space does wonders for head clearing... you may discover what it is that you need that your dh can't provide, or, alternately, you may discover that it is something he can provide, who knows.... just don't jump into divorce straight off. Take some time and space. That is my .02.
 

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So do it.<br>
You said you want to.<br>
You told him.<br>
He said okay.<br>
You recognize the benefits and drawbacks and it seems like you've already decided.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Fletchersmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9053785"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've been there on and off for the past year. We're about to "celebrate" our 8th anniversary - though we both feel too tired and overwhelmed to really celebrate.<br><br>
I'm trying to fulfill my own needs, mostly that has worked in our relationship, but sometimes it feels like too much work.<br><br>
I made the mistake last week of telling dh in front on ds that we were going to go to my sister's for a few nights, I needed to get away. It was devastating and I will never do that again. I saw how very clearly my child would be deeply wounded by a split from either or his parents. Both he and dh were crying uncontrollably, it was terrible.<br><br>
I feel the need to leave, but can't leave ds and can't take him away from dh.<br><br>
Like you, my dh is a wonderful dad, and even a wonderful husband. We've just got some major relationship issues - hamper by health and monetary issues. I know that feeling of being on different pages - or planets.<br><br>
I try to remember my dh is going through this life, and it's hard for him too. I know we love eachother - even though the spark has been gone for some time. I'm not real sure how many of his needs I am meeting anymore either.<br><br>
No real advice here, and I know our situations must be really different. I guess I just want to say, that the kids should come first. If there is no abuse - It did not sound like it. We can't rip their lives apart because we're not happy anymore - we've got to find a way to make ourselves happy in the lives we've got.<br><br>
I do have faith my marriage will get back to a place of love - I also know it could be some time and take alot of work.<br><br>
I hope something good comes of your talk.</div>
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To Fletchersmama: That was such a respectable way of viewing and handling your own personal situation. I like all of your words. Just wanted to say that. From my extended family experience and others close to me, I think that its people who really work hard to look at things that way and really WORK at the marriage (if nothing horrible is going on, like you said) that will make their lives happy again. Maybe not ideal, maybe not the greatest compared to friends', but happy. Good luck to you and your family. Maybe some comments you posted will resonate with the OP, even though every situation is very different, your perspective was filled with honesty, hope, and truth that every married person can gain something from.
 
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