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thanks for your help

358 Views 5 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  JennInSeattle
I just wanted to say thanks for the help in my situation to all those who responded. Maggie
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Oh Maggie, what a tough position you are in. To be very honest a pregnant person is the last person I want to talk to. With the loss in August I was very angry in general and quite angry with every pregnant woman I saw.. she may not feel quite as strongly because she knows you or because she may not be angry over the m/c but I know I was. And after talking with others at the time I know many others can be angry at pregnant women. Fortunately I haven't felt that emotion this time so I know it's not necessarily true with every m/c.

There are a million emotions she's going through and I'm sure you're going through quite a few yourself both for her and because you're full of hormones too! I would do what you can to let her come to you when she's ready. Always smile at her and be upbeat without being overbearingly positive. When she returns telling her how much you care about her and have been thinking about her isn't a bad thing but I'd probably only say it once and not tell her that throughout the days.. not that you would but just in case you're inclined to tell her as often as you think it.

And I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of a letter - would you mind sharing it's content? Not necessarily typing it out but just the general topics/feelings? If you want to of course.. I just know that I recieved a card on the last m/c and it was aweful. I also recieved a care package specifically for m/c and it was beyond difficult to look at it.. it still is hard. I know that both were sent with love for me and what I was going through but I couldn't handle either.

Anyway.. I'll look for your reply. Please know that this is from my experience and are my oppinions based on my sometimes very emotional self.. others may not agree.
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I think it is really sweet that you are so concerned about your friend, and I am sure she would appreciate that. I think just telling her your sorry for her loss and she is in your thoughts would be good, and then let her decide how much contact she wants after that. I wasn't angry after my miscarriage, but I have a sister who is and was pregnant at the same time, and it is very hard to be around her sometimes and listen to all teh baby talk, knowing that I should be there too. I cried hysterically the last time I saw her, and then felt terrible for making her cry. So don't feel bad if she really isn't up to socializing with you right away.

4 years ago I was on your side of the fence with my other sister. I was pregnant and she had lost her first baby. I wrote her a letter just telling her how sorry I was and how she was always in my thoughts. I told her I would be there for her when and if she needed me to be. I also told her I would understand if she wasn't up to talking to me about it or at all. She said afterwards she really appreciated the acknowledgement of her loss and the acknowledgement that my pregancy might be rough for her to handle, and it gave her a way to withdraw and know it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I hope it all works out, and sending you healthy happy light for your pregnancy!
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What a thoughtful friend you are!!

I had a similar best friend lost her baby at around 11 weeks or so and I was pregnant (still overdue) with my first at the time...

I felt really kind of awkward and uncomfortable and really sad for her but did NOT want to say the wrong is what I said and it seemed to help her...or at least not offend her in any way...

I told her if she wanted to talk about it I was there for her and I meant it...(people know when you mean it)

I of course told her I was very sorry for her loss and there were no words I could say to make it better...and I just needed her to know there was NOTHING she did to cause it, nothing she could have done to prevent it, (I said this when she expressed sort of "maybe it was because..." type thoughts) and that she had EVERY right to grieve in ANY way she felt appropriate for as long as she felt she needed to...

I also told her on that same subject that no one expected her to be miserable forever...ONLY meaning.... that there is NO reason to feel badly or guilty or wrong if she like, *dared* to laugh a week later over something humorous, or she was able to enjoy a dinner with her husband or something... that it didn't mean she still wasn't grieving or that her loss was any less traumatic... basically not to put herself in this prison forever... I said that because when I have lost people in the past, I felt like somehow guilty or wrong or something if I like, laughed a couple weeks later over something... as if I was betraying them by allowing myself a moment of happiness (if that makes any sense???)

Things you probably shouldn't say:

It was meant to be.
It was God's plan.
You can always try again.

Things like that... now if SHE says something to that affect...just be very gentle and nice and sort of follow her lead... for instance, my friend said something along the lines of "maybe it was meant to be for some reason... but we are both healthy, we can try again".... and I was just like, "well, no one understands why these things happen...but I am still sorry it happened..." and also (about the trying again)... .... I am so happy to hear that you are healthy and am glad you and your partner have that option if you choose in the future..."

Anyway, my responses might be more intimate because we are best friends and not coworkers, but you get my drift...

I was also really honest with her too about my feelings...without trying to put anything on her.. I just kind of alluded to the fact that I in NO way wanted her to feel weird or uncomfortable and sad because I was still pregnant and that I would totally understand if she felt sad about that or if being around me or talking about my baby upset I said, it is all about intent... people know when you are genuine... as long as you are genuine it isn't so much saying the "perfect" words, it is more the heart behind them...

Good luck and I am sorry for your friend's loss
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Thanks for your replys. Jenn, it was not a letter just a short note card. It said that I was so sorry for her loss and that my thoughts and prayers were with her and her husband during this time. and then if and when she needed to talk to someone that I would be there. That was all- I tried to keep it simple. I did not mention my pregnancy. I don't think it should be offensive, do you? Again- thank you for your input.

I think that's perfect.
I envisioned a couple pages long letter.

And I'm sorry that I didn't give you advice that taylored better to your feelings like the ladies after me. I'd definitely listen to them - I thought they had some really good things to say!
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