[dillonandmarasmom]

So, my MIL watches my kids for about 3 hours each Monday while I tutor. I have come to accept that when I pick them up, they are going to be wired because MIL seems only to offer them junk...although she refers to it as "natural" because it's either organic junk or homemade junk

.

So, today was a bit of a kicker for me. I get to her house to pick up the kids, and DS starts telling me about Nana's (their Great Grandma). I asked him if he got to see Nana today, and while he started to reply, MIL interjected the following:

"It was hot, so we I took them to see her. They sat very still and quiet, and we just went there..." Wait. one. minute. She is telling me that she took the kids across town in her car with NO booster seats to see Nana because it was hot?? Why not just STAY INSIDE?? I would not have minded had they sat and watched tv the whole time eating her natural junk. BUT, nope, she had to pile them into the car and drive to Nana's?? Not even a phone call to me to ask if it was okay to drive them without their boosters (they are 4 and 6)?? She has taken them places before, and has been good to ask for the seats before I leave them...so I am assuming this was a last minute decision. Pretty much caught me off-guard and pissed me off.

I gave her a look of, "Huh?" Followed by a, "You aren't serious..." type of comment. But, I didn't really know what to say. Not only did she do this without asking, but she also could have been in an accident, been pulled over and awarded a lovely $500 ticket ($250 per kid), or who knows what else...

So, my son tells me on the way home that Grandma told him that's how his dad used to ride in the car. My son looked confused and sounded unsure. He knows it's the law to be in his booster, and in fact will shout at me if I even start the car before he's latched in! So, what has Grandma taught him??

Ugh. So, how to approach this one with a woman whom has a hard time being approached with much of anything?

 

[lolar2]

Maybe you could get a couple of boosters to leave at her house. Since she usually uses them, she might just have not wanted to "bother" you.

 

[KMK_Mama]

To say I would have been MAD would be an understatement. Either that's the end of her babysitting your kids or you get car seats for her to use.

 

[Cherry Alive]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolar2 Maybe you could get a couple of boosters to leave at her house. Since she usually uses them, she might just have not wanted to "bother" you.

:

Maybe the AC in her house went out, and it was unbearable. The heat like that can make people do crazy things.

 

[Evergreen]

Seconding the leaving boosters at her house suggestion. Sometimes it is easiest to catch these things before they actually happen! That doesn't undo the damage that has already been done. The subject needs to be broached. It sounds like you have a relatively good relationship unlike my MIL and I. She needs to know that the organic junk and the TV is something you can be flexible about- the kids like it and they know it is relegated to grandma's. The boosters are not. I wouldn't lecture or threaten but she needs to know that if there are no boosters there is no car travel. Like you are I'd be extremely upset that she tried to validate her actions to your child. I also think she needs to let him know that she made a mistake. It is difficult for adults to allow children to know this but I think it is important. It humanizes us, makes it easier for them to admit their own mistakes without feeling shame, and it also sticks the message in their heads. If your dh is on board it might be easier if he brings it up with his mother. Good luck.

 

[TinkerBelle]

I have a niece, who is about to turn 20, who was rendered permanently brain-damaged all because a babysitter did not put her into a car seat and instead, sat my niece on her lap. They were hit head-on and my niece's head hit the dash.

Niece was just at 1 yr old. She had to be air-lifted to a trauma center, where she had to be brought back 3 times. She was in a rehabilitation center for months. She had to learn to talk, walk, suck, eat, crawl ~ everything ~ again.

She can function, but has the mentality of an 8 yr old. She will never marry, go to college, have a career. Her potential was cut short because of a person who didn't care enough to ensure a child's safety to the best of their ability.

I have no tolerance for people who don't make sure kids are buckled in correctly, and who won't/don't use car seats and boosters. Barring some great emeregency, like an evacuation where you don't have time to plan accordingly, there is no excuse.

I would not allow her to take my kids out again.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle I have a niece, who is about to turn 20, who was rendered permanently brain-damaged all because a babysitter did not put her into a car seat and instead, sat my niece on her lap. They were hit head-on and my niece's head hit the dash. Niece was just at 1 yr old. She had to be air-lifted to a trauma center, where she had to be brought back 3 times. She was in a rehabilitation center for months. She had to learn to talk, walk, suck, eat, crawl ~ everything ~ again. She can function, but has the mentality of an 8 yr old. She will never marry, go to college, have a career. Her potential was cut short because of a person who didn't care enough to ensure a child's safety to the best of their ability. I have no tolerance for people who don't make sure kids are buckled in correctly, and who won't/don't use car seats and boosters. Barring some great emeregency, like an evacuation where you don't have time to plan accordingly, there is no excuse. I would not allow her to take my kids out again.

Oh my! I am so sorry to hear that. It certainly validates my fears that anything can happen.

Thank you all for understanding where I am coming from. It's just so frustrating. DH and I have talked with MIL about limiting sugar, or at least balancing it with some protein. She has not, though. When I have left seats for her in the past, she has jumped on any and every opportunity to take the kids out--running errands, taking them to fast food, whatever. It's as if she feels it's her chance to show and tell the kids. Argh! That is partly why I don't leave the seats as a given at her house. I am just not comfy with her taking the kids out. It's only 3 hours, for crying out loud! And the kids love being at her house, playing with the toys she has stocked up on, too.

Now, I feel I can't trust her. She does one thing with the kids, then tells me about 30% of it in this, "Oh, was this okay? I hope it was okay..." tone. I am a little freaked out that next she'll be driving them somewhere like Sacramento (30 minutes away), which would not be okay with me. We had a local well-known woman hit head on by a semi that changed sides of the freeway, killing her and her two grandchildren a few years ago. Can't tell you how close to home that hits.

Okay, now I have to gear up to have a talk, possibly look into hiring a babysitter, and potentially causing alot of grief in the family....

 

[Snuzzmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle I have no tolerance for people who don't make sure kids are buckled in correctly, and who won't/don't use car seats and boosters. Barring some great emeregency, like an evacuation where you don't have time to plan accordingly, there is no excuse.

I feel this way, too. The risks are simply too great if something happens.

I would tell your mother exactly how you feel, and why, and maybe tell her a few stories like the PP's to scare her straight. She should know better than to play the "this is how they did it in my day" card.

Then help her out by giving her her own permanent set of booster seats. I wouldn't be above threatening never to leave them with her again unless she swears to use them, but I am a just mean that way.

 

[Smithie]

Eh. At four and six, I think you'd be best off buying her boosters and letting her take the kids around town. Expecting her to stay in for 3 hours when she's doing a regular, free babysitting gig for you is not reasonable IMO. Honestly, it sounds like you have been trying to passive-aggressively confine her and the kids to the house by NOT providing boosters.

Of course, if she has some sort of condition that makes her an abnormally unsafe driver, that is a whole 'nother aspect to the negotiations. But in general, if you want to be able to dictate your sitter's daily routine, then your sitter needs to be somebody that you are actually paying.

 

[SharonAnne]

My mom watches my girls (3 & 1) every single day, for eight hours, while I'm at work. I have learned to pick my battles. Carseats is a battle I'll fight to the death.

Luckily, my mom is on board with them and we've never had an issue (she does have her own carseats in her car for my girls, since they're with her every day. In your case, I really don't think she needs to take your kids anywhere for 3 hours once a week, but if she feels she does, and she's a safe driver otherwise, I might cave and leave her the booster seats.)

But there have been some times that my mom has made some questionable decisions. Also, I had a situation with my inlaws once regarding forward facing vs rear facing car seats. So, here's some advice on "the Talk"

I'd first acknowlege that she's a great mom and a great grandma. I'd tell her that you know how different some things are from when her kids were little. I might use some examples that have nothing to do with carseats, if you can think of something she'll indentify with. Then, I'd launch into the carseat talk with something like "I know DH and I were never in carseats when we were kids, because they weren't so widely used back then. But, cars were also built like mini tanks then and we also had a higher rate of children dying or getting severely injured in car accidents then" (I have no idea if the last part of that statement is true, but it stands to reason, no?) Tell her the story of TinkerBelle's neice. "I have a friend who...." (Thanks for sharing that TinkerBelle. Hugs to your family and your neice.) and then you can tell her "That's why I feel so strongly about making sure the kids are in booster seats every single time they are in the car. Besides that, though, if a cop had seen them out of their boosters, you'd have gotten a $500 ticket. Besides it just being safer, it's also ILLEGAL. And it's illegal for a reason. I know that you'd never forgive yourself if someone hit you and one of the kids got hurt. So let's do whatever we can to make sure that doesn't happen. If you ever think you might want to bring them someplace, I'm more than happy to leave the booster seats for you."

Make sure you let her know that it's not just that you're being overprotective, but that someone official has said this and here's why. It's vital to make the correlation that things have changed and for what reasons, because otherwise, my mother always falls back on, "Well, this is what we did with you and you turned out just fine."

:

Good luck!

 

[philomom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie Eh. At four and six, I think you'd be best off buying her boosters and letting her take the kids around town. Expecting her to stay in for 3 hours when she's doing a regular, free babysitting gig for you is not reasonable IMO.

Yep. I think that's best.

 

[Agatha_Ann]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SharonAnne My mom watches my girls (3 & 1) every single day, for eight hours, while I'm at work. I have learned to pick my battles. Carseats is a battle I'll fight to the death. Luckily, my mom is on board with them and we've never had an issue (she does have her own carseats in her car for my girls, since they're with her every day. In your case, I really don't think she needs to take your kids anywhere for 3 hours once a week, but if she feels she does, and she's a safe driver otherwise, I might cave and leave her the booster seats.) But there have been some times that my mom has made some questionable decisions. Also, I had a situation with my inlaws once regarding forward facing vs rear facing car seats. So, here's some advice on "the Talk" I'd first acknowlege that she's a great mom and a great grandma. I'd tell her that you know how different some things are from when her kids were little. I might use some examples that have nothing to do with carseats, if you can think of something she'll indentify with. Then, I'd launch into the carseat talk with something like "I know DH and I were never in carseats when we were kids, because they weren't so widely used back then. But, cars were also built like mini tanks then and we also had a higher rate of children dying or getting severely injured in car accidents then" (I have no idea if the last part of that statement is true, but it stands to reason, no?) Tell her the story of TinkerBelle's neice. "I have a friend who...." (Thanks for sharing that TinkerBelle. Hugs to your family and your neice.) and then you can tell her "That's why I feel so strongly about making sure the kids are in booster seats every single time they are in the car. Besides that, though, if a cop had seen them out of their boosters, you'd have gotten a $500 ticket. Besides it just being safer, it's also ILLEGAL. And it's illegal for a reason. I know that you'd never forgive yourself if someone hit you and one of the kids got hurt. So let's do whatever we can to make sure that doesn't happen. If you ever think you might want to bring them someplace, I'm more than happy to leave the booster seats for you." Make sure you let her know that it's not just that you're being overprotective, but that someone official has said this and here's why. It's vital to make the correlation that things have changed and for what reasons, because otherwise, my mother always falls back on, "Well, this is what we did with you and you turned out just fine." : Good luck!

I really like this. I think this is a mature and calm way to approach a situation as important as this one. I would have this talk and propose some solutions. Maybe she would be more comfortable if you purchased booster seats to stay at her house. Maybe it would be best to leave your seats everyday so impromptu trips would be possible.

I would also talk to your son about how things were different when you and your husband were children. I think its important for him to know that grandma didn't break the law or intentionally put his dad in danger back then, but how we are so lucky now to have more information in order to keep them safe!

 

[lolar2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie Eh. At four and six, I think you'd be best off buying her boosters and letting her take the kids around town.

I would feel safer that way, too. Better to have the kids out and about all the time, in boosters, than out and about only some of the time, but without boosters.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

Seriously, I haven't been purposely confining them. I just don't think about it. It's three hours, she has a huge house, tons of toys she has bought for the kids, and two parks less than two blocks away. She has all day everyday to go out and do her errands. It's silly. I am probably being passive aggressive in how I go about telling her that it's risky for her to take the kids out the way she did, but this comes after already telling her I don't like it. She's "forgetful" and it irritates me. Sure, I don't pay her, she would never let me! But, I can happily find a sitter to pay, and pay well I will.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

Oh, and I am not buying her any boosters. Just can't do that. As it is, I need an extra set here for the kids I watch, so that's not an option. I'd rather pay a sitter. MIL has money coming out of her ears.

Thanks everyone. I will leave the boosters regardless of what she says from now on (if they still continue to go there). It's not much trouble, and way cheaper than just buying another set...I can't "just buy" anything these days.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

SharonAnne,
I like the tone of that "talk". Thanks so much!

 

[lolar2]

That's probably the best plan. I thought it wasn't an option for some reason, or you would already have done it, which is why I suggested extras instead.

 

[syn_ack89]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom Okay, now I have to gear up to have a talk, possibly look into hiring a babysitter, and potentially causing alot of grief in the family....

For me, the grief of hiring a babysitter is better than the grief of a dead or seriously injured child. The going without boosters would be a deal-breaker for me...especially because she DOES know better.

 

[UUMom]

I agree she should absolutely not take them out without boosters! I don't know why some older folks forget this with older kids! I would get her two to leave there. Maybe even put them in her car.

Even for 3 hours a week, however, I think she should be able to take them along for errands or to be shown off to the other grannie (is that where they went?) My mother used to teach driving, lol, so I totally trusted her to drive them around town. No big deal. She took them for ice cream, or to her sister's and mother'. Unless she's a bad driver, i wouldn't make this an issue. She loves the grandkids, and they seem to love her, so I wouldn't make waves in the relaionship there. Over the boosters, however, yes. If you absoutely don't want her to drive them anywhere, maybe it's better for your dh to talk to her...or whoever can do it and still keep the peace and let the gchildren and gmother continue to love and enjoy each other.

 

[Village Mama]

It is a great idea to leave the boosters. I try to keep ours with the kids just in case of emergency even. Both of my boys have asthma though, and the youngest has had a handful of concussions. I get my hubby to leave the carseats with us when he goes to work so that I have them in case of emergency. We do the same if we leave them with anyone.