[Ary99]

I am nervous because I don't even know how to handle the emotions stirring inside of me. I have been short with my son who's not even three but so much wiser than the I am<br><br>
The day before yesterday was especially trying. I lost it with him because he wouldn't nap and I just needed a break. I started to cry on his bed, feeling like a horrible mother and so undeserving.<br><br>
DS looked at me, gave me a hug and whispered, "Don't worry mommy. You'll get another baby on your tummy."<br><br>
The profundity of his awareness, shook me to my core. I cried even harder marveling at how such a little boy could come up with something so completely out of the blue.<br><br>
All around me people are planning swim parties and picnics. It's supposed to be barbecue and watermelon. It's supposed to be the day I give birth to the baby who one day had a beating heart, and the next day did not. I wonder sometimes about that exact moment. Was I asleep? Was I driving? What was I doing while my baby died?<br><br>
I am setting aside time to fall apart. Then I will have barbecue and I will have watermelon because that is the 4th of July my son deserves. But it will never be the same for me.

 

[nichole]

i am so sorry for your loss.<br><br>
going to the festivities helps me keep my mind off of it.<br><br>
also, sometimes ppl at family gatherings offer to tend to your children so you can get a break.<br><br>
good luck to you

 

[coleslaw]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> for you. What a sweet intuitive boy you have! I will be thinking of you on the 4th.

 

[1Plus2]

I can only imagine that I will feel many of the feelings you are having when my little one's due date comes around (12/3/05). Right now I am marking the time other ways..."I would be 18 weeks this Friday" "That woman is about as pregnant as I would have been" "I should be feeling my baby move by now". All of those thoughts plague me throughout the day. I too think of when it was that my baby's heart stopped beating. We saw it so strong (158 bpm) at 8w0d and then the ultrasound later showed that the baby had died at 8w4d. What could have happened in those 4 short days?<br><br>
I have 3 dd's...my oldest is 4 1/2 and my twins are 2 1/2. There are days when one of my twins will out of the blue say something about the baby. She'll talk about Jesus taking it to Heaven and how we'll all get to meet it again one day. The other day I had to get my hCG checked to be sure my hormones were going down like they should. I told my oldest dd I had to get blood drawn and didn't say why. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes. She said "Is it to see if you're okay to have another baby in your belly." I could have cried.<br><br>
I will be thinking of you this 4th of July. Take the time to grieve the day. Hugs to you, Mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[SweetTeach]

Ary, I will say a special meditation for you on 7/4. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I think it's beautiful that your ds is so "connected". I hope that each year the anniversary of your sweet baby's due date gets a little less sad for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[baileyandmikey]

(((hugs))))

 

[awise]

Ary99,<br>
Your son sounds like a very perceptive little one. They see more than we realize.<br><br>
I'll light a candle for your little angel's birth date on the 4th.<br><br>
-Angela<br>
Olivia's mama 10/11/04 - 01/01/05

 

[starparticle]

I hope you made it through yesterday! And today, and tomorrow.<br><br>
Thinking of you!<br><br>
Rachel

 

[Nature]

Ary99, we share a similar loss. I too miscarried 12/04 with a baby due July 4th. I just wanted to send you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[Aspinfire]

*GREAT BIG HUGS*<br><br>
I know how much it sucks to have a holiday as your "due" date. I was due December 25th, as everyone knows, Christmas, of this year.<br><br>
I don't even know how *I* am going to handle it.<br><br>
All I can keep thinking in regards to how rapidly the holiday season is approaching is, "I should be having a baby then... but I'm not."<br><br>
*sigh*<br><br>
~Aspin

 

[butterfly_mom]

My heart goes out to you Ary. It has been two weeks for me. My little girl was born still on 27 Aug 05, a day before her EDD. It has been soooo hard for me. Life as we know it will never be the same. Life will be different. We can never move on but we will get through it. God has a plan for all of us, even those who grow within us. I tell myself that everyday and on somedays it is hard to believe. Just know that if you need to talk some more, just PM. together we can all get through this....the hardest thing in life......<br><br>
-lyz-