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The Back Arch at 14 Months- Throwing HUGE Tantrums

3K views 2 replies 3 participants last post by  indiana 
#1 ·
My 14 month old son is throwing HUGE tantrums. Like back-arching-thrashing-red-faced-and-sweating kind of tantrums over anything.

It can be he doesn't want to get in his car seat or I had to take something away from him that he wasn't supposed to have, or even I just walked out of the room to go do something. It is like something clicks in him and he just FREAKS! Sometimes...most of the time, when he gets like this nothing will calm him down. Nursing, rocking, softly talking, etc. I tried baby carrying-nope. Nothing.

So I looked this up and it seems like this behavior is pretty normal for this age.

However, my son has been throwing tantrums since he came out of the womb. He has ALWAYS been very fussy and screamed almost nonstop for the first year of his life. The doctor said it was colic and would go away at 6 months but while the spitting up has stopped it is like the screaming never does. It makes being his mom very very hard.

He naps well, he eats well, I change his diapers frequently, I play with him, etc. He isn't neglected. I just cannot fathom why he is acting this way.

Does this sound like just normal tantrums and he has always been moody?

Does this sound like dietary problems and he might be in distress and when something doesn't go his way it just makes everything worse?

I have always wondered about dietary problems with him because he was SO colicky and would throw up breastmilk (like soak my shirt through, soak the sheets throw up- family members didn't want to hold him because they knew he would throw up on them). So I'm just wondering if maybe we didn't pay enough attention to that and it has escalated and he doesn't know how to tell me something isn't right. He also has red patches on his arms and legs that the pediatrician said was just baby eczema.... could that be a symptom of an allergy? I just want to know what is going on. If this is just a stage then fine I will deal with it but if this is serious behavioral problems or a dietary problem or something else I want to know so I can take steps to help him.​
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Certainly tantrums can be normal at this age, but there also may be something more here. The eczema, gut issues, and colic are all concerning. Can you distract him ever? Can you trade him a fun toy for whatever you need to take from him? How are his communication skills? Does he bring you toys to show you? Does he imitate you? Can you get him laughing? Does he wave and point? Does he look where you're pointing?


Most importantly, do you think there's something more going on here? Mom's intuition is the best guide. If you think there's something more going on see your doc and explain your concerns. If they don't take you seriously find someone who will.
 
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#3 ·
If it were me, I would look into two things:

1. It may be a food intolerance or a gut flora thing impacting your son's skin and digestion, but given your description of his temperament, I also wonder if he could just be a highly sensitive person with nothing specific wrong with him at all (not that you shouldn't consult with his doctor again if you truly think something is amiss!). I am an HSP, and for me that means that both my body and my heart/mind/spirit are sensitive to stimuli that wouldn't bother others. 20% of each species (not just humans!!) are highly sensitive, and it is an inborn (and unchangeable) trait. High sensitivity can be a true blessing and gift, when we learn to see it that way and grow into our potential as sensitive people. But it doesn't always feel like a gift when your skin is extra-sensitive, your gut reacts to things other people can eat just fine, you feel anxious in social situations, etc. Highly sensitive people are also keenly aware of others' emotions and tend to feel those emotions themselves - even if they don't notice they're doing it. The emotions of our loved ones, superiors, and peers weigh on us more heavily than they might on other people and can strongly influence our moods and even the way our day goes if we don't stay on top of it. As adults, we are able to learn to manage our sensitivity and grow into it and even flourish in ways "hardy" people can't. But for children in a very stimulating world, it's up to the grown-ups to help them develop these skills. I wonder if your son is asking you to help him navigate his own sensitivities - sensitivities to soap, to food, to his strong feelings, to your feelings, to everything! (For more information about HSPs in general, I recommend Elaine Aron's books and her website, hsperson.com . I think she has a book about HSP children, or somebody does. At least give her page a read and see if it sounds like your son.)

2. Which brings me to RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), a childcare and discipline philosophy that I have just begun to learn about and am really loving. I'm not 100% on board with every piece of it, but the discipline parts I can totally get behind. In just a couple weeks of using RIE techniques for discipline, we are already seeing changes not only in our 12-mo's behavior and mood, but also - and maybe more importantly at this point - in our own moods. Parenting is becoming more pleasant and less burdensome. We are not counting down the hours until bedtime anymore. You might at least give it a read and see how it resonates with you. I think it might be particularly effective for HSP children because feeling safe within defined boundaries is important (not just physical boundaries but also behavioral ones), and since RIE spends so much time encouraging (and equipping) the parent to be calm, confident, and unruffled in their discipline, it helps remove some of the projected negative emotions that HSPs are so good at picking up on. I'm only just beginning to explore RIE, myself, so ask me in a few months whether or not it actually worked for us, but all I know at this point is that it has already given me AND my child more confidence in myself as a parent than I knew possible. If nothing else, it has helped me grow into my role as a mother.

I've gotten some pretty strong anti-babywearing sentiment from RIE, along with lukewarm feelings (at best) to some other AP techniques. But I think, like with any parenting philosophy, there are some nuggets of wisdom that you keep because they work for you, and other parts that you throw out. We are practicing some sort of RIE/AP/what-the-hell-are-we-doing hybrid approach to parenting, and I think we're starting to find something that works for us and our kid.

In the end, it sounds like your son is inviting you to some deeper exploration and some creative problem-solving. I hope you find a good balance and that things are more peaceful soon, but if not, please trust that your love and concern for your child are the things that will define him, and in that way, you've already given him such a gift!
 
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