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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Wow, I finally said it. I told him I want a divorce. Dh has been controlling my life and his selfish reckless behavior is driving me away. He has spent all of our money on alcohol. We are getting shutoff notices and the mortgage isn't paid and I am not going down this road again! Ugh. It took some guts to bring it up. I hate walking on eggshells, but he gets so mad it frightens me. This time, I told him what was on my mind and he had four days to think it over because I had to leave town. When I returned he was so pissed at me. He somehow turned it around and made it about me being the problem...I'm a SAHM and haven't "contributed" so he's sick of me. If I want him to stay I need to get a job. Well, I got all turned around and started feeling like it was indeed my fault. I even agreed to get a job. He told me if I left he wanted fifty percent custody of my babies and the thought broke my heart so I caved in and it seemed like I would stay after all.

Well, that was after driving 13 hours with little sleep. After I was rested I changed my mind. He was being really sweet to me after he broke me down (classic control) and so I decided to go along with it and just see...

I asked him to let me know what he had spent while I was away so I could pay the city and prevent our water from being shut off. Turns out, he had drained the account the day he was being so "sweet". He flipped out again and told me to quit bitching at him about it. I said "Fine, when the girls are old enough, you can have fifty percent custody". Which made it apparent that I still want out.

He wants his bank card, checks and credit cards by morning, at which time he says he will have an "answer" for me. Well, my mind is already made up. The coldness in his eyes was all the reassurance I needed that I was doing the right thing. Certainly not the easy thing, but the right thing.

I'm going to get my self esteem back.

The only part that troubles me is the agonizing thought of being seperated from my babies. Common sense tells me that he won't be able to handle it. He hardly takes them long enough to give me a break. But part of me thinks it will be nice if he does agree to take them for awhile each day. His idea of custody is three days on, three days off. Or he mentioned taking them nights and giving me days, which will never happen. It's too confusing for the girls (who are 1 and 3). Any ideas on better arrangements that have worked?

*sigh*
 

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Oh, Lord, mama! Thank God you're getting out!!!

Do you have a relative or a friend you can stay with? He sounds unstable, unsafe, and all-around not an appropriate caregiver to your babies. You're going to need a safe house, in case he decides to lash out at you or your children in anger.
 

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Sheri,
and
It must have taken a lot to say that. I wish you all the strength you need to see it through and come out the other side.

I don't know about arrangements, except that if he can't cope with them for long periods, how about a couple of evenings during the week and Friday night? It depends how close you would be living and how difficult the transition is for your kids. For some, it's easier to have a longer time just once a week so they are not continually going between homes.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks goodness, I have the support I need. I can stay here in town with family or I have the option to get out of state for awhile if it gets too messy. I don't feel trapped. I also just got recertified for childcare, so as soon as I move I will be able to provide in-home childcare while staying home to help my girls adjust.
I feel confident right now, but I go back and forth. I'm so afraid he'll be able to take my girls from me. Even 50% of the time would kill me. I sure wish i could afford a lawyer.
 

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My H and i are seperated and have 60% 40% custody, it is hard on them, it sounds like an unstable environment for the 50% 50% arrangement..I know there are ways for you to get a lawyer pro bono

My children are older but still very attatched and it kills me , though the only time he has them is when i work, so i don't feel as bad , at least they don't have to go to daycare. I urge you to go to the SP boards and you are welcome to IM me if you need to talk..

Hold your ground sister, youre doing the right thing


Blessings
~K~
 

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I pm'ed you


Sorry you have to go through this mama and it's definately not your fault.

I don't know why but I get so proud when I hear of women who don't enable their spouses by taking the blame or saving their ass every time something drastic happens as a result of the DH's abuse.

Do what you gotta do sistah and be strong!
 

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OMG! I hope you are safely away from him by now. Sometimes when a spouse is as abusive and controlling as yours sounds to be, it is not safe to tell them you plan to leave. Things can become really violent with people like that. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your children safe from any harm.
 

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I would definitly cut up his credit cards, burn the checks, etc. I would also go down to the bank and have your name removed from the account. If you are the primary person on the account, close the account. Though it sounds like there is no money left.
 

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Can I suggest that before anything (except the aforementioned financial stuff), you start taking notes, and making a record?

Keep track of everything he says, as close to verbatim as you can - with the dates. Write it all in a journal.

Document his financial mismanagement and the fact that he was jeopardizing your children's wefare for alcohol.

Keep track of any communication from him, especially threats, from now on.

Record what you just told us about the bank account being cleaned out while he sweet-talked you into staying...also about him bitching you out because you didn't want the water to be shut off.

Write down what he said about you "not contributing" by looking after your children.

It sounds as though the access/custody arrangements are going to be a pain. So, try to cover yourself as well as you can. Not everyone is as obliging as my ex (who got himself thrown in jail for a B&E and assault just as I was trying to convince the courts that he was an unfit father).
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I have tried to keep track of some of the problems we've been having (alcohol related). He got a DUI before we got married. (I have a copy of the ticket). His license was suspended for several years, during which time he bought a truck and drove it anyway, uninsured and unlicensed. I have the paperwork from the truck sale. He lost his job due to being stoned at work and getting into a work related accident. I have the test results that say he was THC positive. He went on a binge a year after he started his new job and quit. It was unbearable. I have noted the times he came home drunk and tried to carry our then 2yo to bed, falling with her in his arms, or the time he passed out in our bed, rolling onto our newborn baby. I had to roll him off of her. He still drives uninsured although he has his license back (I paid his reinstatement fees) and I know he would still test positive for THC. (Note: I am not being judgmental, as I occasionally smoke. But I don't now because I won't risk it).

Besides all of that, there isn't much documented. My name was never on his accounts, so I really no longer have any access to his money.

Today I got a PO box and opened a checking account of my own. As of one week from now, all of my mail will be going to the p.o. box. I even looked at an apartment. It was so tiny, I got a little frustrated. I hate the thought of losing this place where my girls were born. But the house is also in his name.

Baby steps. And lots of deep breaths because this is incredibly sad and overwhelming.
 

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Woman, you are strong!! Don't ever forget it!

As to the house and money, it doesn't matter if it only had his name on it. It's half yours by virtue of marriage. If there ever is money in the account, and you have access, take some and put it into your account. That's not stealing; you're married. Find a low cost or free lawyer, like someone else suggested. You DO need legal advice, particulary with his problems and behavior.

Don't back down. Once you stand up to the jerks, it gets easier and easier. Know that we are all there with you, if you ever need emotional strength.
 
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