Victor, my second son, was born on May 13, 2005. He was born via a VBAC at home, after an uneventful labor, with his excited dad and big brother present. When I pushed him out, the midwives gave him to me and I found out he was a boy when I hold him between his legs. I put him on my chest and it's all a blur from here. He was all blue and limp and the midwives immediately cut the cord and took him away for resuscitation (I was lying on a couch and the oxygen, etc. was in my bedroom). We had listened to his heart not very long ago, so I wasn't very worried at this point, just upset that they had taken him away so quickly. I'm not sure how long it was before they asked dh to phone 911. I was in a total state of shock and disbelief that something very wrong was happening. At the time when he was taken by the ambulance, his heart was beating and he was assistedly breathing, so he looked pink and big and healthy when I saw him before he left for the hospital. We stayed behind, because the placenta took a long time to come out, and then I started bleeding lots -hormonal whiplash, I guess- oxytocin replaced by adrenalin.
I didn't get to see him again until a few hours later, at the hospital's NICU, hooked up to a ventilator and numerous other conections. All I could see was the most perfect and beautiful baby boy. At that point either nobody knew or nobody wanted to tell me about the seriousness of his condition, so I was confident that he would spend a couple of days there and then we would go home. Someone mentioned "oxygen deprivation" and "brain damage" but all I could think of was my baby coming home, and that I loved him no matter what.
I stayed at hospital to be with him, and on the third day we had a conversation with a doctor that shattered all my hopes. They suspected that Victor had had extensive brain damage due to lack of oxygen at some point during birth, and his chances of recovering were slim. This was confirmed by the MRI and scans to his brain they did the following day. We were devastated. We spoke to the head neurologist, and he said that if Victor was to survive, his life would not be a good life, because the damage was severe. So far, he had been on a ventilator on and off, so they were not sure how long he would live for if they took it off. DH and I made the decision to take him out of life support at some point. My mom and sister were flying in the next day, so we waited for them to get a chance to see him. To honor both of his grandmother's wishes, we baptized him that day. Soon after the baptize, the oxygen machine he was hooked onto started to fail, so they were going to replace it. We asked the doctors not to replace it and to take all wires and tubes from him. We were happy to finally hold him, free from all the equipment.
We didn't know whether he would live for a few minutes, a few days or a few weeks, but we were prepared to be with him and love him to the max every precious minute. Although still at the hospital, we tried to give him a good life; we talked to him, sang to him, played music, brought some of his toys from home, bathed him and dressed him. He even got to breastfeed, for a minute or so every time. His precious lips were the perfect match to his mommy's breasts. DH, DS and I were given a spare room next to the special care nursery, and we all slept there to be close to Victor and each other. On his second night out of life support, I asked the nurse if I could bring him to the room where DH and DS were sleeping. She said it was OK, and although I wasn't sleeping, Victor and I laid in bed with them that night. We were all finally sharing the family bed we would never again get to have. Victor seemed very peaceful and content that night. At 5:15 am, I knew my beautiful baby was preparing to go. I woke up my husband and we both watched as he took his last breath. DH put his ear to Victor's chest, to try to listen to a heartbeat -like he had done so many times when he was still in my belly- and he couldn't find one. Our angel had flown away.
We had spent the most intense six days of our lives, and although the sadness is agonizing, we are also grateful to have had the opportunity to be with him this very short time.
We may or maynot find out the cause of his death, but there's more than one person and/or family member suggesting we were irresponsible for having a homebirth. I feel at peace with the choices I made and I believe nothing would have been different (for the best, that is) had we been at the hospital.
Tomorrow will be one month from his birth and I feel a lot of confusion, and unbearable sadness to have lost my dear baby.
I have had the most amazing support from women on this board, and I want to thank everyone that has been here for us.
Elena
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for you Victor
I didn't get to see him again until a few hours later, at the hospital's NICU, hooked up to a ventilator and numerous other conections. All I could see was the most perfect and beautiful baby boy. At that point either nobody knew or nobody wanted to tell me about the seriousness of his condition, so I was confident that he would spend a couple of days there and then we would go home. Someone mentioned "oxygen deprivation" and "brain damage" but all I could think of was my baby coming home, and that I loved him no matter what.
I stayed at hospital to be with him, and on the third day we had a conversation with a doctor that shattered all my hopes. They suspected that Victor had had extensive brain damage due to lack of oxygen at some point during birth, and his chances of recovering were slim. This was confirmed by the MRI and scans to his brain they did the following day. We were devastated. We spoke to the head neurologist, and he said that if Victor was to survive, his life would not be a good life, because the damage was severe. So far, he had been on a ventilator on and off, so they were not sure how long he would live for if they took it off. DH and I made the decision to take him out of life support at some point. My mom and sister were flying in the next day, so we waited for them to get a chance to see him. To honor both of his grandmother's wishes, we baptized him that day. Soon after the baptize, the oxygen machine he was hooked onto started to fail, so they were going to replace it. We asked the doctors not to replace it and to take all wires and tubes from him. We were happy to finally hold him, free from all the equipment.
We didn't know whether he would live for a few minutes, a few days or a few weeks, but we were prepared to be with him and love him to the max every precious minute. Although still at the hospital, we tried to give him a good life; we talked to him, sang to him, played music, brought some of his toys from home, bathed him and dressed him. He even got to breastfeed, for a minute or so every time. His precious lips were the perfect match to his mommy's breasts. DH, DS and I were given a spare room next to the special care nursery, and we all slept there to be close to Victor and each other. On his second night out of life support, I asked the nurse if I could bring him to the room where DH and DS were sleeping. She said it was OK, and although I wasn't sleeping, Victor and I laid in bed with them that night. We were all finally sharing the family bed we would never again get to have. Victor seemed very peaceful and content that night. At 5:15 am, I knew my beautiful baby was preparing to go. I woke up my husband and we both watched as he took his last breath. DH put his ear to Victor's chest, to try to listen to a heartbeat -like he had done so many times when he was still in my belly- and he couldn't find one. Our angel had flown away.
We had spent the most intense six days of our lives, and although the sadness is agonizing, we are also grateful to have had the opportunity to be with him this very short time.
We may or maynot find out the cause of his death, but there's more than one person and/or family member suggesting we were irresponsible for having a homebirth. I feel at peace with the choices I made and I believe nothing would have been different (for the best, that is) had we been at the hospital.
Tomorrow will be one month from his birth and I feel a lot of confusion, and unbearable sadness to have lost my dear baby.
I have had the most amazing support from women on this board, and I want to thank everyone that has been here for us.
Elena
