[zeldabee]

I'm sitting here at work, nothing is happening because clients are away for Thx week, but at my job they don't like to let people go home early, because, you never know...I am exhausted, and it's so hard to sit through this when I don't have anything keeping me busy.

So, lately, I've been reading MDC during downtimes at work, and I was thinking about how much I'd like to be able to share with other AP-ish single parents...but every time I read this forum I get claustrophobic. So many posts about Xs and custody, and something about it makes me feel like I can't breathe. Dealing with Xs isn't something I have to do often--my son's father isn't a part of our lives, for the most part, I'm a single mother by choice--I can sympathize a great deal, but it's hard to read about it, and it dominates the single parenting board. At the same time, so many other parenting issues have such a different dynamic when there's only one parent...I'm so often brought up short in discussions elsewhere on MDC because of that.

It's just that I'd like to read about how other people deal with the stresses and challenges of single parenting apart from dealing with Xs. It could almost be a separate board. There's so much more to being a single parent than dealing with Xs. Just basic things, like how you keep it together, how you deal with being tired and trying to be a good parent, how do you socialize, what works for you. What have you accomplished lately, and how did you manage it?

I don't know, sorry to walk in the door and whinge. I just crave some kind of community with other single moms (or even single dads, I'm not picky), and I haven't found it. To be honest, I'm pretty lonely. I don't want to offend anyone if they're preoccupied with their Xs, I know that those issues are non-trivial, and of course you need a place to talk about them. I just wish there was some other stuff going on here, too.

There, that's my rant.

 

[MissSavannahsMommy]

I understand what you're saying, but i'm going to write this at least in my defense. This is my ONLY outlet where i can vent about my ex. IRL, i never say anything bad about my ex, nor do i let people know how much it affects me. This honestly feels like the only "safe" ground i have because everyone here is so supportive and understanding and I feel like I can relate to everything people say on this board b/c the problem with being "ap" and dealing with an ex is that generally ex's (or courts for that matter) do not understand why we do the things we do which leads to huge problems (as i'm sure you've seen throughout this board)

To be quite honest, my ex is the only "negative" thing about me being a single parent. I don't mind being utterly exhausted, i don't have a problem with ANY asepct of being "single", i don't mind not dating. I really have nothing to complain about. Call me selfish, but i'm so glad *I"M* the only one who gets to experince my life with my dd. Granted her dad sees her and right now we have an amicable relationship but for the most part, she's with me full time and I'd have it no other way. I don't like sharing

Please feel free by all means to say you're having a bad day and something is bothering you. We're all here to listen, support, and encourage you. I'm sorry you feel that this board is almost always about dealing with ex's but unfortunately dealing (or not dealing with exs) is a HUGE part of being a single parent.

 

[zeldabee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissSavannahsMommy I understand what you're saying, but i'm going to write this at least in my defense. This is my ONLY outlet where i can vent about my ex.

Well, sure, I'm not saying you shouldn't vent here. Of course you should. I'm thankful that I don't have issues with my son's father (or not that I don't, but he's just not much of a factor for us). As I said, I know these issues are non-trivial for a lot of people...

It's just that being a single mom is harder than I thought it would be, and I don't fit anywhere. I never expected to be so isolated. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. I went to a parenting class last winter, and I was the only single mom there...all the rest were couples with both in attendance. All the AP-type people I know locally are married SAHMs. They're not especially friendly toward me--indeed, something about my being a single mother seems to make me suspect. The few single moms I've met have no clue about AP, and/or are very young. My old friends from before I had my son don't have kids, or their kids are grown.

I mean, the consuming issue in my life seem to be trying to hold it together and be a good parent while feeling like a hamster on a wheel...a wheel that never stops. Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way.

But, anyway, I've been looking for orange juice at the hardware store here at MDC for a while now, I really should stop, and I do stop from time to time, but always come back. What I'm looking for probably doesn't exist. Maybe I should post about my fantasy utopian single-mom co-operative living community. Or blog. That's what I need to do, blog. Oh, wait: that takes time...haven't got any of that...

 

[MissLotus]

Oh how I WISH I didn't need to talk about my ex. I would love to be able to focus on all the other aspects of life, good or bad...but dealing with ex is the single most difficult part of all of this. I get lonely, too, for sure! But haven't been able to focus much on those feelings because going through this awfully long separation/divorce, waiting for ex to drop the other shoe on so many issues...all that stuff makes problems like being lonely, etc, seem small. They're not! But comparatively, they are. They're controllable, whereas how ex behaves is not in my control, I guess is my point.

I don't see a way to have a single parents' board without that aspect of it - dealing with the ex. But, you can certainly post a particular question or issue, and I'm sure you will find that many of us relate to it!!

 

[MissSavannahsMommy]

Quote:

The few single moms I've met have no clue about AP, and/or are very young. My old friends from before I had my son don't have kids, or their kids are grown.

I totally know what you're saying but i'm on the opposite spectrum, i'm totally isolated b/c no one takes me seriously b/c i am young and i look like i'm a 12 year old oompa loompa! You're talking to the one time playgroup dropout. I'm young, not married, single, and i don't let my kid sleep in a crib or *gasp* cry for all hours of the night. I don't fit in ANYWHERE. The APers are all married and have husbands who love them and work a bazillion hours a day to provide for them. The playgroup people are older, married, and i can't stand hearing about Ferber (sp?) or how they're giving their 6 week old God only knows. I can so relate, but i'm just at a point right now where i don't really care. Sure, it's isolating and i do have my blue days, but i really feel like this is what i was meant to do so i just accept the lonely days and realize that tomorrow will come and maybe it'll be better.

Quote:

I mean, the consuming issue in my life seem to be trying to hold it together and be a good parent while feeling like a hamster on a wheel...a wheel that never stops. Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Absolutely not!!! I sure 99.9% of us here would say the same thing. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Have you talked to a councelor? How about taking a few hours just for you a week? Do something simple- take a relaxing bath, go get a cup of coffee and not worry about inahling it because you've got a kiddo doing nuts in Starbucks, just have maybe a half an hour of you time once in a while. You're so worth it!

 

[Jster]

I can understand where you're coming from. And I think that you're not alone, there are other single mamas here with virtually absent ex's, who deal with similar "most stressful part of life" issues. So go ahead and start threads about what you are worried about! About trying to get more connected to a community, about finding a little time for yourself, about having some other people to help you with your child from time to time. Those are all such valid points, and we'd love to help you with them!

My suggestion would be to try to find more community. A church maybe (there are all sorts, from Christian to Unitarian to Quaker etc...a great place to connect to people). Maybe try to start a single mom's group...you might be surprised how many AP single mamas are out there, there really are a lot who for whatever reason (divorce, smc, widowhood) are both AP and single parents. But the most important thing is don't give up on finding more balance, it's amazing how different things look when you are struggling with a problem and after you've found some solution about it. Right now you're at the low point in dealing with this, but it can and will get better, so have some patience, put a little bit of thought/effort into it, and you never know!

Just wanted to send you a

most of all!

 

[Jster]

oh, and have you read the "Why I love being a single parent" sticky thread? It's got some great positive thoughts in it!!

 

[pranamama]

The thing I love about MDC is you get to start the thread. There are no limits, you can post as much as you like. There are groups for spirituality, working mamas, different "tribes" local areas. When you feel lonely and want some conversation start a thread. Start it here, whatever you've done, dream of doing, what funny thing your child did.

I was a stay at home mom for a while, and the divorce was a huge stress, and it was a miracle to find like minded "single moms" here. I definitely read about the ex's here though, it is weird how similar some of them are and I think it is a great resource for anyone going through the process to be forewarned is forearmed. I know I was way to "nice" for way too long.

 

[SunShineSally]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jster oh, and have you read the "Why I love being a single parent" sticky thread? It's got some great positive thoughts in it!!

I read that almost daily to give me a boost!!!!

I know what the OP is saying i do not post much anymore mostly surk but have moments whenI post a lot in this forum. But whenI have needed to post is mostly was not about X he is not a factor at the moment but G*d forbid could be at some point and if he does become one I will be more thankful for this place than I already am.

 

[solareyna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zeldabee Maybe I should post about my fantasy utopian single-mom co-operative living community. Or blog. That's what I need to do, blog. Oh, wait: that takes time...haven't got any of that...

Zeldabee, about the co-op living, check out the country living/off the grid thread in natural family living and look at intentional community/ecovillage. (its a little ways down the page) Jyotsana is trying to set up a coop arrangement between single moms in a community that praises AP parenting and all the moms help each other out. She is wanting some other moms to join her. Even if you don't want to go all primitive, I would encourage you to talk to her. There are other moms here interested in living in a co-op arrangement. If you want more of an urban setting, check out the Yahoo group called ICFam. There is a co-op forming in Chicago made up of single moms (and children of course) and they are looking for more people. I think you might get some great ideas off that. I know where you are coming from, being a single mom is very hard and I am on a search for community too or anywhere where moms work together and become the family and support system we might not have access to otherwise. I urge you to check it out and speak with Jyotsana if you are interested or join the yahoo group. That has alot of very interesting information there. Take care and good luck!

 

[sahmof2girls]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zeldabee I'm sitting here at work, nothing is happening because clients are away for Thx week, but at my job they don't like to let people go home early, because, you never know...I am exhausted, and it's so hard to sit through this when I don't have anything keeping me busy. So, lately, I've been reading MDC during downtimes at work, and I was thinking about how much I'd like to be able to share with other AP-ish single parents...but every time I read this forum I get claustrophobic. So many posts about Xs and custody, and something about it makes me feel like I can't breathe. Dealing with Xs isn't something I have to do often--my son's father isn't a part of our lives, for the most part, I'm a single mother by choice--I can sympathize a great deal, but it's hard to read about it, and it dominates the single parenting board. At the same time, so many other parenting issues have such a different dynamic when there's only one parent...I'm so often brought up short in discussions elsewhere on MDC because of that. It's just that I'd like to read about how other people deal with the stresses and challenges of single parenting apart from dealing with Xs. It could almost be a separate board. There's so much more to being a single parent than dealing with Xs. Just basic things, like how you keep it together, how you deal with being tired and trying to be a good parent, how do you socialize, what works for you. What have you accomplished lately, and how did you manage it? I don't know, sorry to walk in the door and whinge. I just crave some kind of community with other single moms (or even single dads, I'm not picky), and I haven't found it. To be honest, I'm pretty lonely. I don't want to offend anyone if they're preoccupied with their Xs, I know that those issues are non-trivial, and of course you need a place to talk about them. I just wish there was some other stuff going on here, too. There, that's my rant.

I do understand what you are saying completley!!!! It is tiring, stressful, and wonderful being a single parent all in one. I do realize that I need to actually spend more time thinking of that instead of x. I am so sorry that you feel overwhelmed by XXXX. that is reeally sucky. I do know a few moms in my area who are single mammas by choice and like minded. So i guess that is why i come here to vent about all my dirty laundry. But you make a great point that it would be nice to take the time just to talk about single parenting w/o the need for the x's.
I hope that you can start up some great discussions.

 

[TAC]

I do think that stories about x's are abound in this forum. but there are also stories about juggling school, paying taxes, working from home, finding resources. This has been a terrific forum of assistance for mom's who are trying to do it all.

There are forums throughout motheringdotcom, and you're bound to find one that appeals to you. don't give up trying to find like minded people. They are around.

 

[**guest**]

I have to agree about reading all the X's threads. Although my ds's father is involved, we were never married. Most of my issues as a single parent are not with ds's father (other than the fact he's incompetent and cheap).

I'd love to have a thread strictly about single parenting issues not related to X's/baby's father.

You know, anyone can start that sort of thread. Just do it. I'm sure there will be many of us posting on it!

 

[MountainMama]

Zeldabee ~ I often hear how people are amazed at all that I handle as a single mom - and I have two of 'em!!! I feel worn out and even hopeless sometimes at all that I have to do, but here are some things that I have done that really help me to cope or survive or however you'd like to term it (and even have fun at that):

1. Turn off the ringer - after 7 I am officially no longer available unless you catch me online

2. I try to exercise every day even if it's just a little - it keeps up my energy and my endorphines or whatever - especially since I am woken up several times during the night - I never get a full night's sleep

3. Read my magazines after the kids are in bed - and they DO go to bed at 7:30 and 8:00 period - otherwise I would go nuts

4. I eat breakfast everyday and take a multivitamin - I usually drink OJ at breakfast too - I really think this has helped me to plow forward - I take a B complex at around 3 also cuz I teach at night (not because I want to but because I have to financially - although I do enjoy it and couldn't possibly complain about it as a part-time job - it is much more favorable than other options)! So I need that extra energy

5. I have found a couple places downtown where we can go that MOM can have fun too - not just McDonald's!!! I am a vegetarian so I've scoped out a great pizza place where I can have a glass of wine with a salad and a pizza where the kids can play, etc. I have a couple places like this where I take the kids on a weekend night or on a Sunday morning for brunch - it's good stuff

6. I have a single friend who is open-minded about kids and she lieks being around my kids in small doses and I invite her to my place for movie-drinks-snacks night and we watch half way decent movies (no crazy murder types) while the kids run around and play with their toys. Granted the kids stay up later than usual but SO WHAT?? We have to have fun sometimes, right?

I feel lonely and down sometimes, don't get me wrong. When that happens, though, I sit down and make a list of the things I am thankful for. That almost always puts it in perspective. If not, then I go to bed!! HA Exercising always makes me feel better and puts things in persepective for me.

I do hope that someday I can find a partner. Right now, though, I'm "bogged down" in the single motherness - trying to raise my kids right while having some fun. And I'm kind of loving it!

P.S. See! Not one "X" was mentioned! HA

 

[NIS]

yeah zeldabee, i have issue with my x, but you know what, i feel that same way a you do.
I actually came online tonight to seek out some like minded women and support, i have had no sleep for the last two nights, my 6mth old wont let me put him down even when he is asleep, and my 2yr old is freaking out because i have had a baby in my arms for the last two days, and sh is feeling left out. And i don't have family or friends that live locally enough for me to call up and say "help" so its me and me alone.
And as all things this sleep issue will pass, but while we are in the midst of it there are times that i curl right up to both my kids and cry along, i get that exhausted that i cannot do anything for them.

YOu know what gets me through, or rests my mind if i am actually doing a good job anyway... is that we all sleep together, we extend

; my baby is in a sling when he is not crawling around, my dd is free to yell run cry while pulling a ''tuntrum'' all in the safety of my arms we eat wholesome natural simple foods and even thought there are more days than not that i end up

: i think that i am AP makes all those single parenting hardship more easier than if i wasn't. i also live in the delusion that life will get easier when the kids get older right now as young and as close in age that they are, i have to moniter my sanity on an hourly basis sometimes..

What challanges do you face?

 

[sahmof2girls]

I was thinking about ap'ing etc... I really have one like minded mamma friend, and the rest have thier "own" parenting styles. Some that I don't agree with. Pne tthing that I completley hate is that people say that I am a "pushover" cause I am a single parent. and that is not the case. If dd 2 is whining i let her, and most of the time she just wants lovin. But when i cuddle her i am being a pushover..... well for one i am not nd for 2 I have 2 of the most well behaved little ladies. So i guess I am doing somthing right. My kids don't go off yelling, hitting, biting other kids as i have seen other children do, so what i have to say to people about that...." I must be doing somthing right"

Have a great day mammas!

 

[BelovedK]

This forum is for all single parents, with X issues or not. It just so happens that there are so many of us that do have to deal with an unreasonable x partner.

There are also plenty of mamas in your situation. There is a thread called 'single mothers by choice' I haven't pulled it up, but you could scroll down or do a search.

You are also welcome to start a thread about any issue you may be having, or a celebration...it doesn't have to all be negative. I'm sure you will find alot of likeminded mamas.

Thanks for posting and I look forward to getting to know you better.

 

[BelovedK]

I found the link

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hers+by+choice

 

[BelovedK]

Another one
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=399539

 

[EvolvingMama]

Hi Zeldabee,
Thanks for your post. I am a single mom, as well, and can so relate to wanting a community - virtual or in person - of other single parents with whom to share ideas and joys and challenges. I have very VERY few ex-issues, as my son's father and I have most things ironed out. I am expecting a second child with a more recent ex, and have some big issues there, but I will start a new thread about that. I just wanted to step up and say hello to you and that I, too, would like a community, and not just for ex issues. I live in a very remote place, generally love being a single mom to my fabulous son, but ache to just sit down and have tea with another single mom or dad.

Take care! You're not alone!