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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is just an observation but I thought I would just share this because maybe some of you have good men, that you are completely aggravated by and maybe he's not that bad, just different.<br><br>
For example..my dh is gone a lot(long haul driver) and I am home with 4 kids by myself 90% of the time. It's tough but I get through.<br><br>
Lately though I have been terribly sleep deprived because the little one is in a transition with night weaning, losing her nap etc. so I have been not handling it as well.<br><br>
So he calls one day and says he will be delayed and I am totally ticked. I am just completely worn out and feel like I am doing everything with the kids/house/family etc. and I tell him so on the phone.<br><br>
So he comes home all quiet, goes upstairs and hangs 2 sets of curtains and puts up my clothesline in the laundry room.<br><br>
Ok..that's good, they have been sitting around since November. BUT what I really needed was for him to walk in, make dinner, round up the kids, send me away to rest etc.<br><br>
But how can I get mad..he did something. Just not what I needed. He has no idea what I need.<br><br>
So I am still mad at the time but I can't really say "you do nothing around here" because he does a lot..he never stops working...he comes home and he's working on something. It's just not the stuff that takes something off my plate and makes it easier for me.<br><br>
So 2 nights in a row when baby wakes up I leave and go on the couch to sleep and let him deal with the night time parenting which he does. Of course the next day I am in a great mood, well rested and he's a complete mess<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> When he mentions he's tired I say "try doing it for 4.5 years"<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> with a laugh.<br><br>
I am not sure where I am going with this but it seems like there are a lot of good men out there who want to make you happy but they are completely baffled as to what they need to be doing.<br><br>
And a lot of women who don't know how to explain it without nagging.<br><br>
It's kind of funny....I asked him to show me how to use the lawnmower and he said "don't you have enough to do without doing this too?" and I said "I am going to mow the lawn when you are home and you are going to watch the kids" and he was so confused. I said "I need to do something different sometimes" He's still baffled.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Does anyone relate to this sort of wierd communication thing between men and women?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I like your post.
 

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Absolutely.<br><br>
One of our biggest fights after DD was born: I would spend all day with the baby, wouldn't get a chance to start on dinner or straighten the house, or pee by myself. DH would get home, and would immediately start dinner then start straightening the house, and usually do it in such a flurry that I didn't have a chance to say "HEY I've had to pee since 8 this morning, can you PLEASE hold the baby?"<br><br>
He saw things that needed to be done - ie, we needed to be fed, and the house was messy, and so did what he could to accomplish those things. What he didn't think about were my intangible needs - how was he supposed to know I had to pee or just wanted 10 minutes to myself or that I really enjoy cooking dinner and consider it to be "me" time?<br><br>
What finally got through to him was pointing out that we are a partnership - he doesn't HAVE to do all the "visible" things, he just needs to make it possible for me to do some of them - ie, take the baby!!! So now he comes home and immediately picks up our daughter and spends at least 15 minutes playing with her, which gives me the opportunity to get dinner started and get the house picked up - all needs met, all tasks accomplished, everyone's happy.
 

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What a great post!<br><br>
I've had to accept that although DH is wonderful, he is not a mind reader. That when he asks whats wrong, I actually have to tell him in order for him to get it. If I need something (a hug, backrub, a hand cleaning the kitchen, etc) I need to ask, subtle hints are lost on him. But he will almost always do what I ask, happily, if I just come out and say it (calmly). DH wants to help me, make me happy and give me what I need. But expecting him to decipher my needs from watching my odd signals and listening to strange passive aggressive statements and then do what I want him to do is just unfair.
 

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This is a great thread. My brother, who is in a terrible relationship, said something interesting yesterday. He said if his DW asks him to do something, that's fine. If she tells him how to do something, that's fine. But if she asks him to do something and then tells him how and when, then she is being controlling an demanding. His example was, "Take out the garbage" is ok. But then "Take out the garbage, right now!!" is not.<br><br>
They don't have kids, btw, and he does all the cooking, all the home repair, most of the cleaning. But she does so love to order him around.
 

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My husband just realized this after 8 years! (yes 8 years of me telling him and him not listening)<br>
He is a wonderful man and father, and works and works and works... always finding things to do "for me" and to show me how much he loves me. So of course I feel neglected, ignored, not listened to and completely uncared for. It would be nice if I could take my needs and change them into what he likes doing because I might feel like I am in a relationship.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>allgirls</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8994999"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's kind of funny....I asked him to show me how to use the lawnmower and he said "don't you have enough to do without doing this too?" and I said "I am going to mow the lawn when you are home and you are going to watch the kids" and he was so confused. I said "I need to do something different sometimes" He's still baffled.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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This made me laught out loud, cuz we've done the same exact thing. I told him I was going to mow the lawn, and he took offense, like I was critiquing his ability to get it done/done well. Instead I had to explain I needed a little zone time away from the boys, it had nothing to do with him!<br><br>
Glad to hear we're not alone!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>allgirls</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8994999"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">BUT what I really needed was for him to walk in, make dinner, round up the kids, send me away to rest etc.<br><br>
But how can I get mad..he did something. Just not what I needed. He has no idea what I need.<br><br>
So I am still mad at the time but I can't really say "you do nothing around here" because he does a lot..he never stops working...he comes home and he's working on something. <b>It's just not the stuff that takes something off my plate and makes it easier for me</b>.</div>
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I know exactly what you mean! Dh will work in the yard or on fix-it/improvement projects around the house, but when it comes to actually being caregiver to the kids, I'm the one. I get the same thing from my MIL, so I don't believe that it's just an issue of the difference between men and women. She and my FIL will occassionally take the <i>family</i> out for some event or invite <i>all</i> of us for dinner, but very, very rarely will they actually take care of the kids. It's never about making <i><b>my</b></i> life easier or giving me a break from mom duty; it's about doing something that's easy for them and still being able to say, "Hey, I did something!"<br><br>
I have to leave the house to get a break, and though that's much easier now that my kids are older, it was really tough when they were younger. I sympathize with you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Mine will do all manner of things. But he ALSO will get in the way of ME doing things. Like not take the baby so I can do the lawn. Or make it difficult for me to organize something or change things that he hates by refusing to cooperate with it or help or agree to ANYTHING.<br><br>
He was really unaware of how difficult he was being. I mean, he was literally astounded when I told him that he is such a PITA about this stuff. He looked at me with a look of total astonishment, "No I'm not!" Sure you are buddy! And when I told him HOW, he actually started changing it!<br><br>
Who knew, that being so irritatingly uncooperative was innate? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I'm so happy I finally found a way to get him to at least CONSIDER that he isn't being helpful sometimes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I am trying to explain to my dp that I need two things regularly...time at home alone and time outside the home alone. Both of these require that he take care of the kids simply because I cannot enjoy the alone times if they are with anyone else.<br><br>
That is why we don't have any time out as partners unless his parents are visiting. My older kids are 17 and 13 and I will not leave them with the little ones..they will get great ideas like baking cookies or cupcakes(and leaving the mess for me to clean up) or giving them baths..sorry but I am fanatic about baths...the phone rings those girls run..no way!<br><br>
Or they want to be paid large amounts of cash.<br><br>
I have to be better at explaining what I want when I want it. I was never good at that.<br><br>
If I wasn't so tired it would be funny<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Ok it is sometimes.
 

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Hey there, allgirls! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> I remember you back from the One Thread...fun to see you again, and of course it's always fun to read your posts. You have such a way of seeing life, and writing about life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And yes, I've had that exact same conversation with dh about mowing the lawn. Somehow he got the idea from that that I LIKED mowing the lawn, and that it was free time for me (his equivalent would be playing golf or something). Ummmm, no. Nice try, sweetie, but yard work isn't about "enjoyment" free time. It's about <i>kid-free</i> time.<br><br>
I think I actually SAW the lightbulb go on over his head. Adorable. And now, at last, he gets it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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ReadOakMomma and allgirls - nice to see you both!<br><br>
i can't put it into words, but dh and i routinely butt heads on above issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Hey ROM! It's been almost 3 years(ish) since "the one thread"<br><br>
Did I read your siggy right? You are adopting from Korea! Congratulations!<br><br>
I have a good relationship and a good dh but as they say back where I am from<br><br>
"he's as stun as me arse"<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
actually..what's frustrating is that he's probably a frickin' genious...one of the smartest people I know..but still...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I am not that complicated...low maintenance actually...the girl up the street...takes her 2 hours to get ready to go somewhere...one kid...takes me 20 minutes...kids and all<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Of course we don't look as, um "finished" as they do<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
I better be careful with this lawnmowing thing uh?<br><br>
You know I live a 5 minute walk from the local golf course and have been considering taking it up next year. I will probably be horrible at it, I have always thought it was a stupid "sport" but sometimes the thought of all that green grass, wide open spaces and long times alone call to me.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I really should join!<br><br>
It does sound better than mowing the lawn!<br><br>
This thread is fun! I think it's common..they just don't get it because they are not in it.<br><br>
And to be fair my dh does try and try and probably gets it as much as someone who isn't in it gets it.
 

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My DH is the same way. During the school year (he's a teacher, so summers off from teaching), he doesn't help out much at all. But when he does decide to do something to help out, it is something so random. Things he's done in the past are deciding to reorganize the entire garage, vacuuming the couch cushions, or running out for a new router for our computer (last week). Meanwhile, the carpet is barely peeking through ground-up Cheerios, lunch needs making, his clothes are strewn about the house, the Christmas tree stand is sitting with a few other things waiting to be put in the attic (yes, in August it's still out!), and DS is hanging on my leg while DD talks my ear off and I desperately need to pee! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
If it weren't so frustrating, it might be funny! But hey, at least when someone comes by, they have a freshly vacuumed couch to sit on!
 

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What a great post. It took me a long time to realize that just because dh thinks in a different way than I do doesn't make him a jerk. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I laughed about the lawnmower thing too. Dh is always so shocked when I hand him the baby and say "PLEASE! Let me do the dishes tonight! Please!". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I have to explain, every single time, that I love my babies but sometimes my arms need a break.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
My dh just bought me a brand new computer...I feel like I am being so ungrateful..I really have nothing to complain about...but I won't let that stop me<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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