[gsd1amommy]

Why is it that when a mother posts here about spanking/hitting/grabbing their child, many of the replies are all about hugs and rainbows and sunshine with a few suggestions about getting a break, hiring help, etc?

BUT, when a mother posts here about their partner spanking/hitting/grabbing their child, many of the replies are all about that being a deal breaker, unforgivable, the partner can no longer be trusted alone with the child, etc?

I'm just curious as to why it appears mothers get a free pass sometimes for committing violence against their children and fathers appear to never get that same consideration? It's as though their standard is set much higher and there is no margin for them. By the way, my feeling is, violence against a child is violence no matter who commits it and it should be regarded as such.

 

[frontierpsych]

That's a very good question. I don't generally post on either of those type of threads because it makes me sad to read about it.

 

[LilyGrace]

Most of the parents posting here are asking for help. They know that what they did was wrong and are asking for solutions that work.

We treat each other as we treat our children, with the same respect and belief of good intention. We show compassion and love- some of these ladies here astound me with their capacity to look deeper and their depth of empathy. They reach out and help whenever there's a cry for it.

When we talk of third parties, though, it is without the remorse and the guilt that we feel when we screw up. It is more often looking at it with only what has been said - we don't know if the parent who spanked is asking for help, or if they feel that it is the right thing.

Intentions matter. If we condemned every parent who spanked, there would be no reason for them to look at gentler methods or to come here and learn from those who practice GD every day. I cannot see any good reason for making a resource like this board such a scary one to approach. I rather like it as it is now, where everyone is given the compassion they need to be able to pass it on to their children.

 

[churndash]

From what I've seen - and granted I haven't been here long - the difference is that when women come here saying they spanked they are saying "OMG, I spanked my child, I feel horrible, what can I do instead, how can I stop?"

But when they post about other people it's "this person insists on spanking and won't stop!"

Hence the different response.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think churndash has some of it right. Most of the moms asking for help WANT to change. Either they are trying to break out of a longer cycle that they now see as wrong or they snapped as a one-time thing. I think if a dad was here with the same sort of post (and really, you can't always assume everyone is a mom), he would get the same response.

But most the issues with fathers we get through the mom's perspective and its mostly that the dad is committed to spanking as a matter of principal, not as a one-time snap situation. And that gets a different response.

However, I have seen a few posts where it was clear that the dad "snapped" as well and that does tend to get some really frustrating (for me) responses that are overboard IMHO.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by churndash From what I've seen - and granted I haven't been here long - the difference is that when women come here saying they spanked they are saying "OMG, I spanked my child, I feel horrible, what can I do instead, how can I stop?" But when they post about other people it's "this person insists on spanking and won't stop!" Hence the different response.

:

Really, the stuff that's suggested for posters who come here looking for help with not spanking anymore would also be good for dp's who spank--but they have to be willing to work at not spanking.

I've been around here awhile and I haven't seen any threads about dp's needing help not spanking where the response was that it was a deal-breaker. Mind you I also don't read all the spanking threads.

 

[Super Glue Mommy]

they are asking for help. if my husband was willing to change I would stay with him too but if he was a "spanker" then yes that would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Grace and Granola]

My first thought about this is that alot of the moms who post about losing it and spanking are stay at home moms who "do it all" and are feeling overwhelmed. Or maybe it's the mom who does WOH, then has to be supermom when she gets home, and has alot of guilt about that. So there is alot of truth that comes from the answers that say to the moms, Step back, take care of your needs, love yourself, and then you will not feel overwhelmed and spank your kids.

BUT, I'm guessing alot of us assume, that the dads who are spanking see their kids for a few hours a day and find no other creative ways to deal with their kids besides spanking them either because it's how they grew up or they just don't have the patience or whatever. And that is frustrating for us and those of us with husbands who actually work VERY hard at not spanking and finding better ways of teaching our kids.