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this is something i actually used to think about a lot - not because i ever believed i could/would end my marriage, but because i would imagine how peaceful and lovely my life would be if, say, stbx kicked the bucket. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> i know, it's awful, but i'll admit it.<br><br>
so, inspired by jsma's happy thread today, i revisited what some of my dreamy ideals were, the things i thought were out of reach. silly things like . . . composting. the freedom to fall asleep with the kids at 8:30 and have time alone in the morning, rather than time with stbx in the evening. line-drying the laundry (i do it indoors in the winter, but not outdoors in the summer). getting rid of the POS dog. COOKING WHAT I WANT TO EAT! ugh, the constant bitching about how soup isn't satisfying or how oatmeal is so hard to clean out of the pan, it makes me want to poke myself in the eye repeatedly, i tell you.<br><br>
anyway, yeah, it's time to start just doing what i want. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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It doesn't have to be a fantasy. Not that the grass is weed free on this side of the fence, but at least you can manage your own weeds without having someone else seed them for you. I know, a strange analogy, but I just went with it.<br><br>
I hope you start doing things that make you happy and continue to dream about these things. It's a big step in reclaiming your self. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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For real! Live it like you're already there.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
It's kind of a sick funny to realize that both our dreams away from our abusers entail , "OMG! Being able to eat what I want without someone bitching at me!!!!"<br><br>
The fact that someone has to wish for peace just to be able to enjoy a meal... it's a frightenly sad realization of how messed up a world we have been living in...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Theia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15379449"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I hope you start doing things that make you happy and continue to dream about these things. It's a big step in reclaiming your self. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I agree. Beginning with a visualization of how you will create your life to be is a good start. I guess I did that, and I have to tell you that once I put a plan into motion, it was delightful to watch my life unfold as I'd visualized it. And yes, there were many bumps in the road -- it's mostly paperwork, once you get started, it really is. (I'm not going to change my words, but wanted to add that I do realize that others have had more difficulty than I have, that some paperwork is more onerous than what I've had to deal with, and that this may have sounded insensitive. Still, it *can* be much easier to have to explain to the University why they should admit you with your past academic record, to figure out how to move house with no budget and no help, or to fill out the food stamps application than it is to listen to the bs from the abuser.)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
oh yeah - i didn't mean it's a "fantasy" as in, not realistic. i am working toward making it real. i guess what i'm working out in my head right now is, i cannot use stbx as an excuse to keep waiting to live. as manipulative and sulky and huffy as he wants to get, he does not <i>literally</i> control me. <b>i choose</b> to accomodate him and i can choose not to. i don't have to wait until he is out of the house.<br><br>
it's different for me because i'm not in danger of physical harm - or if i am, if things escalate, then that was going to happen eventually anyway. but the fact is, he gets me to do what he wants just by his words, facial expressions, body language . . . and i comply. i want to stop doing that.<br><br>
at least it will be a hell of a lot less shocking to him when i tell him it's over!<br><br><span>p.s. i feel bad about my dog comment . . . but he pees and sometimes poops in the house, rips up the trash, and i just don't have anything to give to the dog in terms of time or energy (and apparently neither does stbx). he's not taken care of and i really want to find a better home for him.</span>
 

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After I split up with my ex and was a single mom to a toddler, I found a wonderful loving new home for my German Shepherd. It was totally the right decision. It was almost like after I gave myself permission to break up with the guy who wasn't adding anything to my life, I could also give myself permission to acknowledge that my dog wasn't bringing me pleasure and was bringing me a lot of annoyance and trouble, plus, I just didn't have time, as a working single mother, to take care of the dog properly. It was a huge weight of guilt off my shoulders. I still fulfilled my obligation to her by finding her a really great home with people who were excited to have her. But I realized that, just like my bad relationship with my ex, I wasn't obligated to keep the dog just because I had started a relationship with her. I was allowed to break up with her.<br><br>
It's so true that you can choose to not accommodate your STBX's huffiness and sulks. The hard part is that you can't fake not caring (I don't necessarily mean not caring about him at all, I more mean not caring about or buying into his toddler behavior). But once you break his control over you and you truly don't care, it's pretty easy. Just don't react, don't engage, don't get sucked into five-hour conversations about things that should take two minutes to discuss.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doubledutch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15381699"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">it's different for me because i'm not in danger of physical harm - or if i am, if things escalate, then that was going to happen eventually anyway. but the fact is, he gets me to do what he wants just by his words, facial expressions, body language . . . and i comply. i want to stop doing that.</div>
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That is exactly how I feel about VABF. Despite his threats a few weeks ago, which is the worst he has ever gotten, right now in this moment, I do not feel he is a danger physically. Its the mental stuff that has to stop. After the last 9 days without him while I was on vacation, I can so taste that freedom from the looks and comments, etc. We did what we wanted, ate when we got hungry, went to bed at the same time and woke up refreshed, just the kids and myself. It was bliss actually.<br><br>
Now to just carry that over into "real life". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ScootchsMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15381793"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That is exactly how I feel about VABF. Despite his threats a few weeks ago, which is the worst he has ever gotten, right now in this moment, I do not feel he is a danger physically. Its the mental stuff that has to stop. After the last 9 days without him while I was on vacation, I can so taste that freedom from the looks and comments, etc. We did what we wanted, ate when we got hungry, went to bed at the same time and woke up refreshed, just the kids and myself. It was bliss actually.<br><br>
Now to just carry that over into "real life". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"></div>
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How are you doing? Are you still on track to get out of there?
 
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