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Well, I felt somewhat guilty when I got pregnant, but as we get closer to dday, I'm getting really bad vibes from within. I feel horrible about how dd's life is about to change. Right now she is the center of everyone's universe and I feel like I'm taking that away by wanting to have another baby. Am I alone in this? I know that she's young enough to practically not even remember being the "only", and that having a sibling is great as you get older. I just all of a sudden realize how young she really is and feel like I'm taking her childhood fun away. A bit extreme I know, but I just can't shake the case of the guilts.<br><br>
Any comisserators? (sp?)
 

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I was only 17 mos. when my first brother was born. So I really had VERY little experience of being an only, and no memory, whatsoever. My brother and I are and always have been very close. However, when my DS was born, I found myself feeling some resentment toward him for taking so much time and energy that I really felt was NOT about him, but "leftover" feelings from when my brother was an infant. The feelings weren't overwhelming or extreme, so it was mostly just a very interesting experience to process stuff from so early in my life now as an adult able to have a totally different perspective on it.<br><br>
I work outside the home, about 25 hrs/wk. In some ways, then, I feel like DS has never had 100% of my time and energy, so sharing with a new baby isn't going to be SUCH a huge change for him as it might have been had I been a SAHM. On the other hand, we've also got structures in place for how he gets cared for when I'm at work (family members - his dad/grandma/aunts) which we won't have for when I'm caring for the new baby! But he's used to Mama being busy with something and unable to be fully present to him some of the time.<br><br>
And, finally, my siblings were/are so important to me. One of the reasons I want to have more than one child is that I can't imagine depriving my DS of that experience, of having a brother or sister. DH feels the same way only more so (I have 2 brothers, he has 2 brothers, 2 sisters, and 3 cousins whom his parents raised from late childhood on.)<br><br>
So I guess I'm not exactly comisserating, but trying to offer some encouragement! You are NOT ruining your daughter's life!<br><br>
Take care.
 

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I have a sister who is 18 mths younger than me. She is one of my best friends. My children are very widely spaced and I have always felt guilty that they didn't have a closely aged sibling to play with. It can be such a special bond. Especially with a loving parent to help them forge a relationship. You are really just adding one more person for your older child to love and who will love her too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br>
siblings can really enrich a persons life-I promise<br><br>
gretchen
 

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I've got them spaced like this:<br><br>
1995<br>
2002<br>
2004<br>
2006<br><br>
It's great, any which way you slice it. It's nice to have the big gap between the first two, my oldest is such a big help. The oldest two are thick as theives and love each other to pieces, and even though they fight alot, they are always together. I felt bad about bringing a second kid into the family since my dd had been the only for 6 years! She helped him fit right in. But then I got pg with #3 and felt really awful. But they love each other soooo much! And now I still feel guilty about being pg with #4, but I have the feeling that she's going to fit right in, that it's not going to be a problem. The three I have love each other so much, that I don't think her coming is going to be bad at all. Sure, there will be an adjustment period, but I'm still surprised at the bond between them. Shocked, actually. If I didn't know better, I'd surely say they love each other more than us!
 

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I feel that way - both ways! I feel sad for my DD who is the light of my life and center of attention at all times - and I worry that i won't love the baby as much as I love her - which i know is common and I will fall madly in love with him the second I see him!<br><br>
My sisters and i are all 2 years apart. My middle sister and I are very close and the youngest I rarely speak to. growing up we despised each other - but as adults she is so wonderful to have!<br><br>
I think it will be good for my DD to NOT be the center of attention anymore - it's starting to get to her ego. LOL.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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My dd is 20 months and ds almost 3 months. I am glad you have already acknowledged these feelings and the situation. We knew that there were going to be some big changes coming up for dd when ds was born, but we didnt realise just how much it would all affect everyone. DH and I were so saddened (and some guilt too) when we saw how dd felt when she first met ds. We are still ironing out kinks, so to speak. I now still feel bad that I have forced her to grow up earlier than she would have otherwise. And I easily forget that shes just a baby herself. They look so big (a 1 and a half year old will look like a four year old) as soon as theres a newborn around. Another thing is I feel awful for getting more shorttempered with her. I'm really trying to work on this, but its tough for me when theres two kids crying for me, pulling at me, plus sleep deprivation etc. I dont know how moms of twins do it!<br>
I have to go, but all the best mama! I keep thinking of how wonderful it will be for them being close in age (which neither of their parents had).
 

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Ohhhh....I know how you feel! DS is really, really into babies (isn't that sweet?) and we have been talking about how much our baby will love/like him.<br><br>
I also feel compelled to provide lots of support for him after baby is born. DH may be able to take a day off each week (working a little more the other days tho) which will be his and DS's fun day (wednesday), during the summer. I also have started a stash of special things for DS to play with or do after baby is born. We are building a sandbox (I can go outside with him since the weather will be nice). I also plan to have extended family focus on him (and why wouldn't they...baby will be nursing/sleeping mostly and DS is still the energetic, funny little guy they love!).<br><br>
I also want to have at least a few hours each week where DH is hanging out with Baby and DS and I can go do something fun...even if it is just kick the soccer ball around.<br><br>
So I am alleviating my guilt by providing some good quality time with DS. I am sure as the hormones hit...guilt will be strong...but we can support each other here! Right!?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I have struggled with that feeling during my entire pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Alden, I was worried about Zachary's feelings because he had been the only kid for 4 years (almost 5) but he is also pretty mature for his age and he *knew* that things were going to change. And he was really excited about a baby brother. With this pregnancy, Alden is so little still and will only be 15 months old when Eleanor arrives so he has no clue how much things are going to change and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. Plus, I have been a SAHM since he was born so he has always had mommy all to himself for the most part (when Zachary is home from school- he is all about playing with brother). I have tried not to dwell on it so much but it does pain me to even think about how much his life is going to change soon and the fact that he isn't going to understand sometimes.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momto1and1ontheway</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">... I feel horrible about how dd's life is about to change. Right now she is the center of everyone's universe and I feel like I'm taking that away by wanting to have another baby. Am I alone in this? ...</div>
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You are SO not alone. I have a sister who I love and am extremely close to who is exactly the difference in age that my babies will be. However, between about 25 and 30 weeks, that's all I could imagine - was how upside down our lives would be, how our closeness with our DD would get all shook up, how hard she would take not being the center of our universe - Now, just really at 31 weeks am I being able to shake these feelings for some of the things that the PPs have said - I am glad she'll have a sib, and I know that she'll adjust. But, the fact of it is you are facing a loss of sorts, the loss of the comfortable interaction and familiar relationship you have with your DD.<br><br>
I have been able to approach it in a little more positive light by trying to recognize that change is ALWAYS hard, even when the long term outcome is for the better. And this is change. And even though I am preparing my daughter and myself for this change, it will be difficult in some ways.<br><br>
But, try to be happy & confident. It will be change, but it won't necissarily be worse!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you!
 

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I don't feel guilty, but I do feel sad... especially as i see the actions dd is taking now to compensate for me needing to pull away a bit and change how I normally play/relate to her (see my thread on mothering your toddler in the 3rd trimester...).<br><br>
what makes me feel excited about bringing a sibling into her life is her response to me having a big belly and the baby kicking... she's really into it. And I know that she's going to have a blast with another child around to play with, even if it will be several months to well over a year before they can truly interact. We have a great bond with her and while i think it will be tested, ultimately that is going to also help ease the transition. she knows we adore her to pieces and will be there for her.
 

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My DD is about 4 mos. older than yours so the spacing will be similar. I too am sensitive (and saddened at times) by the changes that will take place in her life, and the need for her to share that which is the most important to her (Mommy). She is articulate enough to communicate that she doesn't want the baby to be born, and has even actually said that she is worried that people won't love her when the baby is born (nearly broke my heart), BUT she will also talk about being excited for the baby to be born and about how she is going to be a great big sister and snuggle the baby. In fact, at Thanksgiving when we were all sharing what we are thankful for, she (completely unprompted and unrehearsed) said that she is thankful for the baby and will love and snuggle it.<br><br>
I think that she senses impending change, and I KNOW that the transition will be tough and she'll need extra TLC as well as some exclusive Mommy time (and Daddy time). I'd love to think of some mommy/DD ceremony or something that we could do to honor and mark the transition from being just Mommy and her, to mommy, her & new sib, but I haven't come up with anything yet. For now, I just acknowledge her saddness and mine, try to address her fears (M&D will always love you forever and ever. M&D don't ever have to share love between children. You get to keep all of our special love for you and the baby gets all of our special love for the baby), and I also discuss the positives (e.g., someone else to love her, talk with her about how lucky I am to have a bother and a sister, etc).<br><br>
I also try to remind myself all of the wonderful qualities that are FAR easier to nurture and achieve in a human when they are raised with sibs (patience, understanding, empathy, sensitivity to differences in abilities between people, etc.) That is not to say that singletons do not have these qualities, but I have generally found them to be more developed in people with sibs. My sibs and I are all a bit shy of 2.5 years apart (I'm in the middle) and for whatever trauma that may have caused me (of course, I NEVER experienced going from the center of the universe to sharing the spotlight as I was never an only child) I literally cannot imagine my childhood or my adulthood without them. They were a true gift from my parents to me, and now that I have the insight of being a parent and knowing how much of a demand children can be on time, money, energy, intimacy, etc., I appreciate my parents' choice to raise me with siblings even more.<br><br>
Sigh...good luck to us all. I'm enclosing a poem that I read somewhere and saved long ago. It might have been on MDC, might not. I'd give credit if I could, but anyway...<br><br>
LOVING TWO...<br>
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking glow of our magical<br>
relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that<br>
our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child<br>
as I love you?<br>
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having<br>
to share me as you have never shared me before.<br>
I hear you telling me in your own way "please love only me" and I hear<br>
myself telling you in mine "I can't". Knowing in fact that I never can<br>
again. You cry, I cry with you.<br>
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once<br>
shared. A relationship we can never have again.<br>
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being,<br>
and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her --<br>
feeling that I am betraying you.<br>
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to<br>
protectiveness, finally genuine affection.<br>
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of<br>
days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing<br>
those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times --<br>
only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other..<br>
I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you<br>
are by each of her new accomplishments. I begin to realize that I haven't<br>
taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that<br>
I'm no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that<br>
my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.<br>
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love<br>
another child as much as I love you, only differently.<br>
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll<br>
never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each<br>
have your own supply.<br>
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mamatoto2</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">LOVING TWO...<br>
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking glow of our magical<br>
relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that<br>
our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child<br>
as I love you?<br>
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having<br>
to share me as you have never shared me before.<br>
I hear you telling me in your own way "please love only me" and I hear<br>
myself telling you in mine "I can't". Knowing in fact that I never can<br>
again. You cry, I cry with you.<br>
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once<br>
shared. A relationship we can never have again.<br>
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being,<br>
and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her --<br>
feeling that I am betraying you.<br>
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to<br>
protectiveness, finally genuine affection.<br>
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of<br>
days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing<br>
those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times --<br>
only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other..<br>
I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you<br>
are by each of her new accomplishments. I begin to realize that I haven't<br>
taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that<br>
I'm no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that<br>
my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.<br>
And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love<br>
another child as much as I love you, only differently.<br>
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll<br>
never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each<br>
have your own supply.<br>
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.</div>
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<br>
Oh yeah, I am just crying my eyeballs out over this poem. (When did I get so sentimental? It must have been LAST time I gave birth..*sniffle*) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb">
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I have to admit that I cried so hard last night when I read that poem. I think the tears started rolling after about the 5th word that I read! So pitiful I am!! It SO encompassed how I'm feeling. I think I may print it on some pretty paper, frame it and hang it in dd's room (wish I could thank the author!). I'd like dd to know how I feel/felt without having to try to explain it in my own words, which would be disaster!! The only problem is that just thinking about the poem makes my heart hurt. I don't know why this is so painful for me, but I just can't get over it!! *sigh*
 

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We're going through all of this. My dd will be 2.5 at the end of the month and this past weekend was really rough on all of us. My dh has spent the last 6 months remodelling our kitchen on the weekends so it's just been dd and me about town. This weekend we went to BRU to pick up a few things for the baby and dh wore dd in our Ergo. She cried the whole time and whenever I was out of sight she cried, "Mama, mama, mama." She's never like this. She's in daycare 4 days a week so she's used to not having me all the time. It was horrible.<br><br>
And then we set up her big girl bed. The first night was great, naptime was a disaster, the 2nd night was a little better than nap. Last night finally felt normal. We also broke down her crib and got out the baby's cradle, which had been hers, to dust it off. She asked at one point, "I don't understand why I have to have a big girl bed." Gah. First, I've never heard her say the words "I don't understand..." I just explained that she was getting to big for the crib, that she wouldn't fit soon. Then she asked if Iris will get her crib and I just said yes. And then she asked if Iris will get her cradle and I said yes. And then she asked if Iris will get her big girl bed and I was so happy to say, "No, you will always have this big girl bed and Iris will have to get her own someday."<br><br>
She also insisted on wearing the baby clothes as we got them out and washed them. She freaked with the newborn socks wouldn't stay on her feet and when we tried to tell her she was too big she would scream, "No! I'm LITTLE!!"<br><br>
So after this really traumatic weekend for all of us, we're just not talking about the baby much in front of her. I picked her up early from daycare yesterday and she seems a lot more settled. On top of everything else we've started potty training, and though I've put that waaay on the back burner because I just don't think we can deal with so much at once, she has actually started to ask to go.<br><br>
Oy. It's just been so much at once for all of us. I'm working hard to get a ton of work done this week so I can have her home more after next week, maybe only have her in daycare 2 days a week until the baby is born, or at least not full days. We really need some bonding time.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mamatoto2</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having<br>
to share me as you have never shared me before.</div>
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Ooooh I knew I shouldn't have logged on just before going to sleep.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"> I too am feeling so guilty...I know it will be a good thing for her in the long run though, I just have to wait until I feel it in my heart too.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Hugs to all of us mamas and babes struggling with this...
 

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Oh my GOSH! I have been SO feeling this! (And that poem! I am SOBBING over here!!) My DD will be 4 right around my due date... I worry SO much about her! I mean, she is all excited and can't wait for the baby to get here... Asks me everyday if it is time for "her" baby to come out and talks about all the things she wants to help do... But I know she just doesn't realize how much it will change our lives! For four years now it has just beenthe two of us. And she is such a sweet, snuggly, senstive child... I so worry about her feeling somewhat pushed aside when I have to BF the baby, etc... And it breaks my heart that it will never again be just the two of us. And I feel SO guilty that I, too, have had the feelings of "How in the WORLD can I POSSIBLY love this next child as much as I love my precious little girl??" I know it might sound kind of pathetic, but this sweet child who stole my heart really is my best friend. How is that going to change once the baby comes? Will I resent the baby in any way for taking our "alone" time and making it so that it is not just the two of us anymore? Will DD resent the baby for the same reasons??<br><br>
Why is this all breaking my heart so much when I WANTED this second baby and we tried for over 2 years for it? (We tried over 3 for DD...) I didn't realize that I would feel these feelings when I became pregnant with #2!<br><br>
I am so very glad to know that I am not alone! It really makes me feel a bit better that I am not the only one whose heart is being wrenched!! As I sit here typing this, my DD (who is sick with a 102.3 fever right now!) is lying beside me watching TV and I look at her and my heart about bursts with love for her and I can't possibly imagine how I could love this second child as much as I love her!<br><br>
OK. I'm babbling now, I think. I best shut my trap and post this before it REALLY turns into a babbling novel!!<br><br>
Thanks for reading!<br><br>
Kerri
 

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My ds is just a bit younger than your toddler. I worry about the transition, but remember than your children have an evolutionary expectation of having siblings. I don't think there's anything wrong with "only" children, but having siblings has been the norm in humanity. I try to focus on that when I get worried. Actually, I think it will be helpful for ds to experience not having the world revolve around him as much. He is old enough to understand having to wait, or parents setting boundaries when his needs are too difficult to meet. I'm hoping that the baby will be a "new project" for ds just as much as for us...
 

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luckylady said:
I feel that way - both ways! I feel sad for my DD who is the light of my life and center of attention at all times - and I worry that i won't love the baby as much as I love her - which i know is common and I will fall madly in love with him the second I see him!<br><br>
This is me exactly I often wonder if I should have gotten pregnant and then feel badly for thinking this way. I want this baby as much as the first I just wish there was a way to give her as much attention as my first and give him as much attention as he gets now. Also I feel extremly guilty because there is a good possibility I have to have a c-section and I can't imagine leaving my son for 3-4 days I am afraid he will feel abandoned. But I am sure it will all work out I hope anyways.
 
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