[kismetbaby]

So my DH and I went to lunch with some friends of his that I don't know too well. Really, they are a nice couple with a toddler and a baby and I am not trying to demonize them. . .I guess I just had my first realization of how long the next six months could be if everyone has such bad reactions to HB.

They live in a liberal area and she is a yoga teacher, so I expected more support. But it began with her asking me if I had CVS testing done, which seems like an odd thing to ask a pregnant woman you hardly know (and it was literally her third question to me after "how do you feel?" and "do you know the gender yet?"). Then when they asked about our birth plans and we replying with MW and HB, they would not stop going on about "what if something happened" and they knew someone who's baby died at a HB (Really! Telling a pg woman that!

, and how their first he had a prolapsed cord and needed immediate intervention and what if we couldn't get to a hospital quick enough. . ..and on and on. (And really some babies do die in the hospital too!)

I just sat there in silence, I just didn't know what to say. My DH very nicely defended our choice

, but it still irks me. I am not as much pissed at them, but at the whole system which makes intelligent people believe that HB is such a horrible choice. I mean I would never tell anyone how horrible hospital births are if they had already decided on that! Women should have the choice, I don't claim to say that HB is great for everyone. . .but why is it that people think you are a freak for HB! At least we didn't mention the water birth part!

Anyway, just wanted to vent and feel some support for my choice. I have had one friend who acted very supportive and interested when I told her about HB so that was nice, but I expect to have a lot more days like today. Sigh.

 

[Picturesque]

We are planning a HB, too, and we have just chosen not to discuss our choice very much with others. If someone asks, I will tell them what we have decided, but if they want to argue, I just say that for low-risk pregnancies, the research supports our choice and they are welcome to look into it themselves. I refuse to defend or justify my choices to those who are uneducated. Good luck to you in your future discussions!

 

[femalephish]

Just popping in from July to give you hugs! Hang in there, honey! I haven't had this reaction from near-strangers yet (although I do get amazed looks!) But it's hard when family is less than supportive. (For me it has gotten better as they realize that, yes, I have decided. And, no, they can't change my mind.)

Picturesque; I LOVE that you say, "for low-risk pregnancies, the research supports our choice and they are welcome to look into it themselves." I think that's a great answer.

Good Luck with everything!

 

[kismetbaby]

I'm not so much concerned with defending my choice (or not having to/avoiding defending it). . .but I do think its irritating that people feel they have the right to tell you its a terrible choice. I don't go around telling hospital birth mamas that I think their choice is horrible or dangerous.

But I guess what really bothers me is that I am afraid that this kind of thing will make me second guess my choice. I don't need another reason to lay awake at night thinking about what could go wrong!

My family does support my decision though, which I had almost forgotten to be grateful for. So thanks for reminding me!

 

[phytoangel]

feelin' ya mama! just be proud of your decision and know that it is right for you and your family. it is kind of like being vegetarian. it's a choice that you make and you don't expect others to always feel the same, but you'll always run into people that have something to say about it.

we went through this the first time, even with some family members and after a while we stopped telling them anything about our plans. this time around we pretty much roll the same way. if we don't bring it up, then we don't have to deal with the criticism. sucks, yes, but i hate getting into a huge discussion with idiots, even men, about my choice to birth at home.

so, tell them that it is not for everyone and thanks for the info, but you've got it covered.

i wish that i could remember statistics about hb vs. hospital births and rattle that all off to these folks, but my brain isn't working that way these days. i'd love to set them straight with facts.

 

[kismetbaby]

Yeah, I am a vegetarian, you'd think I'd be used to defending/ignoring remarks about my "weird" choices!

 

[phytoangel]

maybe we are losing our craft to defending ourselves after being bashed for all these years!

we are definitely the non-confronational vegetarians that hate to deal with idiotic remarks so, we lay low, answer questions when asked and don't remark on others choices to eat dead animals unless really provoked.

sometimes people just plain SUCK!

 

[kismetbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by phytoangel maybe we are losing our craft to defending ourselves after being bashed for all these years! we are definitely the non-confronational vegetarians that hate to deal with idiotic remarks so, we lay low, answer questions when asked and don't remark on others choices to eat dead animals unless really provoked. sometimes people just plain SUCK!

You described me to a "T"! Normally, I like being non-confrontational, but sometimes. . .wish I was a little more quick to reply to those who suck.

My DH sent me this link

a little media/science support for us HBers. . .http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life...0416-a8wu.html

 

[jimblejamble]

I don't get why the heck it's any of their business! I'm not doing a homebirth but if I were and people started telling me about how "dangerous" it is, I'd probably just say, "Oh really? Gee, how ever did the human race survive so long?!" and pass the bean dip.

 

[octobermoon]

i know what you mean when you say;

Quote:

"I am not as much pissed at them, but at the whole system which makes intelligent people believe that HB is such a horrible choice"

The systems are so whack sometimes....a lot of times..... people group together and believe things and then ostracize those that don't do what they do, some crazy pecking order! Dh and I were talking today about bottle feeding, we were both bottle fed. At the time if you breastfed you were pretty much considered a freak of nature. You were looked at as too poor to bottle feed or some such nonsense. Now breastfeeding is mostly considered the best...you know.... the tide has turned. Maybe eventually HB will get there too, again! Meanwhile we have each other! We know you are doing a wonderful loving thing for yourself and your baby

 

[ChaoticMum]

WTG for not getting defensive...that's the hardest part. I remember getting 'information' even after we'd had one successful homebirth - which wasn't even a PLANNED one! I just had to nod, say yah - homebirth isn't for everyone - some people do need that support of a hospital, but its right for ME.....even my dad was one not impressed with our decision...

 

[murphysaangel]

I think the thing for me (I had a hb last time so I know ALL about getting defensive) was that it seems like people are looking at you like you're just INCREDIBLY stupid for doing something like a hb. Like, "don't you KNOW that that's DANGEROUS and CRAZY???? I had no idea you were such a complete idiot!" As if I would gladly and willingly enter into a practice that would put my child and myself in danger.

Of course, that's how *I* view some people's birthing choices on the other end of the spectrum...lol (I just don't let them know I think that way so blatantly).

 

[dmariev]

kismetbaby-

oooh people can be so infuriating. women have been birthing at home for centuries! ideally, i would love to hb! what better way to welcome your baby than to have them enter in their home with their family there to greet them, not a bunch of people with masks who will only know babe for a few minutes/hours.
Honey, do what works for you, dont let them get you second guessing yourself, no one knows whats best for you or your babe better than you do!
smile and nod- thats how i deal with the un-educated criticism and scrutiny, smile and nod. then i laugh later and feel sorry for the "less-educated".
Take care, enjoy your pregnancy, and remember- this is YOUR body, YOUR baby, and YOUR birth. As long as you are comfortable, do what comes naturally to you.

 

[2boyzmama]

That's frustrating...I have lots of "choices" that I get defensive about, but I've learned to let my kids/family/successes do the talking for me! I let the person who is judging something I do talk themselves to the ground, then I say something like "well, Connor's relative good health considering the severity of his genetic syndrome seems to suggest that extended breastfeeding was the best choice for us." How can you comment to that? And it kinda leaves the door open for the person who's judging to conclude that it wasn't the right choice for them, which is fine, in fact--that's the point--you should never judge someone else's choice because it obviously worked for their family. If it didn't work, they wouldn't be harping it!

I have one neighbor whose 3.5 year old STILL takes a BOTTLE (and not with just milk, I've seen them put pepsi in it!!!) and she talks about how she knows she's a terrible mother for still letting him have it but just doesn't have it in her to take it away...then the very next breath she judges me for breastfeeding my 2 year old. <<shrug>>

Anyway...just in case it matters...a friend of mine here was having a home birth and had a serious cord prolapse (as in, 6 inches were hanging out of here, which means 12 inches had prolapsed) and the midwives were so on the ball, they got her in the car head down butt up, started speeding to the hospital, called 911 on the way, met up with an ambulance, called the OB to get the OR set up, mom was in surgery within 20 minutes and thanks to the midwife who had her hand up to her elbow inside the mom keeping the baby off the cord, mom and baby both survived!!! A csection in a hospital would have taken that long, too...set up the OR, get the anesthesia, transfer mom...it was picture perfect!! That went a long way towards my belief that homebirth absolutely can be safe!

 

[rockdoctor]

My MIL (and probably my DH's entire family) are very concerned about our choice for HB. I have tried to reassure her that our hospital is five minutes away and everything will be okay. I realized though that she is just scared and worried that the baby or I might die. I am grateful to have people in my life who are concerned for my safety. It doesn't change my choice, but I am proud that I do not live in fear and run to the doctor for every little thing. Our culture is just this way, and I can't expect everyone to change just because I have made an unusual choice (for our time). People get just as empassioned about religion, politics, food choice, etc, etc, etc.

 

[deymm]

sorry they were such buttheads!

We are planning on homebirthing for the 2nd time, but we live in a different part of the country now--one that is much less open to it. We are not really telling anyone of our plans. It's my choice and I'm not really interested in defending it to those who are close-minded.

 

[acemama]

My BIL had to tell us how dangerous it is and totally acted like we are crazy. He even said the baby could have a cord around the neck and at the hospital they would quickly perform a section.

Um, no babies are often born vaginally with a nuchal cord at home and the hospital. Also I've been to hospital births were a section has been called. It really takes some time to arrange staff (esp. if hospital does not have in-house anesthesia) and prep mom. People seem to have the misconception mom will be in the OR having a section as soon as it's been called. It just doesn't work that way. sigh...We are really just trying to keep our choice to ourselves right now. I don't need the stress.

 

[Chavelamomela]

We're planning a HB and have decided not to tell my in-laws. I have 2 sil's (on my side) who've done HB, so I know my parents won't be surprised or taken aback by our choice, but nonetheless, DH and I have decided not to discuss our plans with our parents (I've talked with my sil's, of course - but they know not to discuss it with the parents).

Basically, our fear is that if my in-laws knew, they'd make our lives very difficult and ask the typical uneducated questions "but what about the risks??" and such...and we feel much more comfortable calling them after the baby is born and saying "congratulations, it's a boy/girl...btw, if you want to visit and bring us food, we're at home"

I am actually quite close with both my mil and fil, but I know this is an area where they know so little about and would put a lot of pressure on us if they know, so it's easier to have the discussion after the fact. I have told them that I switched to a new midwife and about the awesome care she gives me, but we've let them assume that we're delivering in a nearby hospital that supports natural birth.

 

[texmati]

I'm sorry

s. I'm not haveing a HB, but a midwife attended hospital birth and I've gotten a lot of flack as well. Luckily none from strangers, although I havent been going out of my way to adverstise that I don't have an OB.

 

[dosergirl]

We are doing a mw in a birth center and really i have gotten opposition as well, that is why i just don't share that information. it's my personal stuff so i don't say anything. i let people assume i am going to the hospital, getting an epidural, using disposable diapers and the whole bit. it is not worth how frustrated it makes me when people are uninformed AND think they have any right to give me their opinion on anything.

sorry you went through that. I'm glad that at least DH was there to lend support.