[5796]

I really thought I couldn't handle the news after the school in Chechnya. That really wiped me out. I was weepy for a long time. I just kept imagining my own son..it really was a dark period.
I didn't need to live in Chechnya to feel pain.

I'm a pretty processed person. Meaning I don't project other's pain on me because I am not in touch with my own pain...I know my own issues and pains and am not afraid to release them... but frankly they just really seem pale in comparison to the news especially in the last couple of years.

I just think we have so much more on our plate now days.

it is hard. anyone feel similiar?

 

[5796]

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone, NM.
Maybe it is you and me because of our age...mid/late 40's...we do remember a lot..and it just seems like things now are so much more..and I can't put my finger on it exactly....

the media, sure they are apart of it... but really, when you look at this latest disaster.. media or no media... 120,000 people lost is just mind numbing...I saw those numbers on 19th century Krakatoa and other disasters and they don't come close to these numbers.. of course there is just more people on earth now... more stories...and of course man made disasters like 9/11 or Rawanda... flesh out the horror even more...but like I said I had not quite recovered internally from chechnya... I still can't look at those photos... then throw in beheadings...war in general... lord I can't even continue....

and of course, my dropping hormones.. perimenopause.... does NOT help my overall feeling.

I hug my son harder. I love my husband so much. I'm trying to take care of my little world.... but it is hard on the soul. I am hanging in there and yes, these boards help...

and you should know Jordan's death was felt very profoundly in this little home.

hugs
tracy

 

[asherah]

The older you get the more questions you have..
and the more losses you suffer, of course.
It starts to weigh on you.

I was going to start my own thread.. but what I had to say fits in here.
Some of you know where I work.
I have seen and heard horrible, horrible things over the past week.
I have seen things that will never be put on the air, because they are simply too awful.
I have covered some difficult stories in my time.. other natural disasters, several wars, crime, 9-11.
I saw a SWAT team shoot a hostage-taker into swiss cheese once.
I have seen awful things up close, is my point.

And the older I get.. the more it hurts to see it. The harder it is to tell these stories.
This is such a painful, difficult week in my newsroom. My co-workers are having nightmares. The reporters in the field are going to have post traumatic stress syndrome.

Why why why is my child sleeping soundly in his bed..
when so many other mothers saw their children swept away?

I can't bear it.
We got soo much bad news these past couple of months.
My father has prostate cancer.
Two friends passed away.

And my own sadness seems petty and selfish in the face of what's happened in South Asia.
I have no answers.
I just want to cuddle up with my husband and child.. I am so afraid of the world right now. It seems an unspeakably harsh and awful place.

 

[Mom4tot]

I agree. It is so sad and awful...dh doesn't like to talk about it, but I can tell he is affected also. The grief is just beyond comprehension. Yes, I am hugging my children tighter and asking God why.

 

[goodcents]

I will join in.

I had a really serious breakdown the other night - like something I have not experienced before. Crying, dry heaving running around like a mad person, thank G*D dd was asleep.

I really wish I could medicate and the thought of having to "be" pregnant for another 3 months without any chance of that is really frightening to me. I have resumed talks with my therapist again. And yes I know people think "zoloft" and other *re-uptake* inhibitors are okay - but the lack of studies and scientific data I just refuse ya know?

I can't handle it. Really. Especially these larger diasters, they really just throw me off this existenstial deep end where I end up questioning everything from my faith to my sanity. The only moment of rest I get is in the middle of the night when I pull DD close and think "this is what it is for" and yet only that lasts for a minute because this very active baby starts kicking my ass again.

The pain knows no bounds and no borders....

 

[5796]

Thanks you guys.....Thanks for the additional thoughts.... it helps to see others thoughts...

NM, I think we DO get more questions when we get older and a lot less answers. When I was younger I think I had more 'answers' whatever the eff they were..probably hubris disguised as youth enthusiasm.

I do wonder what the bigger picture is...and that is where God probably fits in for me. Are these events sending us a message? Maybe. Gosh knows I took 9/11 as a sign..for me it was simple. almost all the people who died in 9/11 died at work. Or on their way to work. I said..'work can not be that important to me." It can have significance but it can not be my all.... one thing from 9/11 that gave me comfort was that so few children died. Less than 10. Of course one of those children who did died went to my son's park. There is a statue there for him. I personally felt that was a reminder to me.

But now...this destruction... this is unbelievably painful. And I'll tell the truth it is heart piercingly painful because of the deaths of so many children. What is it, 1/3 or 1/2 of all the deaths?
In the vietnam war the united states lost 55,000 soldiers. It was awful and it dragged on for years. And I'm so old I remember it as a kid, the news reports. santized. I think the laboratory clean news reports were part and parcel for the opposite reaction on the streets by the protestors. but we crossed 55,000 deaths this week by the morning I woke up and heard about the tsunami. I haven't even looked this morning...what is it 130,000?

I can't for the life of me come up with a reason for it.. if I could come up with a thin answer about 9/11... 'don't let me die at work." this is just the opposite.. so many families were together, relaxing, playing or just living in their huts..... I can't get an answer here..and of course maybe I'm not suppose to come up with one....

Asherah, I have been watching the news reporters and they are all saying the same thing.. "I've covered a lot but this is the worst thing I've seen." "I actually broke down yesterday" "I found myself crying, something I rarely do as a reporter.."
I've been watching this one little reporter from our local abc affiliate who is very 'local' go to Thailand and he is starting to break down...it is small but I'm seeing it. It was when he went to Phi Phi...

And when you add this event after the rest of the year........... no wonder we hug our kids.

on a personal note: I totally lost it in the store yesterday with a clerk. I was so furious when she told me I could not exchange an item because of an error in the gift receipt. It listed the item as purple instead of blue. I just lost it. And my son started to hit my leg and yell at me and I bent down and just grabbed him by the arms and yelled at him to stop hitting me and my husband was shocked and the rest of the store was shocked and the clerk suddenly said, "I'll give you a gift receipt. I'll give you a gift receipt."

I'm 47. I've NEVER done that before. I hope I never do it again. That kind of drama is so much another person. This is a shitty week. And I've got get some herbal treatments for my perimenopause. but on the bigger picture...I think it is the whole year......kind of adding up....

 

[Ambrose]