We intereviewed a new doc for our DS the other day and during that process indicated that we are trying for baby #2 with a known donor. Anyway she asked if we were doing inseminations or if I was having sex with him!
I was initially stunned and just said we were doing insems. I then ran into her in the hall and tactfully said that no lesbians that I know have had sex with the donor to get pregnant. I then added before that some lesbians have become mom's through normal straight sex, but most lesbians in a committed relationship with another woman wouldn't actually have sex to get preggers.
She was quite receptive to the correction, but sheesh...what kind of question is that?
Originally Posted by JRose
but sheesh...what kind of question is that?
A completely inappropriate one!! Jeez. That has no bearing whatsoever on the care of your son. I could see if they asked about known family medical conditions or something, because that's relevant. But, oh man, that was rude! Maybe you should consider another doctor?
Well I mostly found it ignorant and annoying. We really hit it off with this doc and she is quite crunchy herself which we all know you don't find everyday in the medical world.
I think she was just really ignorant. She was very open to my correcting her afterwards and did apologize and ask if I had been offended by her comments. I had not been offended just annoyed but I told her she might not be so lucky next time she says something like that to other patients.
Sometimes people just need to be educated. What will be hard for me in the future is if anyone asks such ignorant questions in front of our DS. (He was in the potty at the time and is probably to young anyway to have understood)
WOW. I have never been asked that question. I have been asked questions about the donor many times, which does sometimes seem exceptionally nosy, but which is okay with me. We try to talk about the donor in front of the kids a lot because we want to normalize it as much as we can. We don't want them to think there's anything secretive about how they were made.
But I don't know what I'd say if someone asked me if I was having sex with the donor. I'd probably just scream, "WHAT?!"
Wow, that surprises me (I live in Mpls too) but I'm glad you corrected her and not only set her straight, but that she was receptive to it. I wonder if it's the same crunchy doc we're using for our baby (if she's a D.O. rather than M.D. than pretty sure it's the same person). If it is, I'm glad she asked you and not me, I would have gone ballistic, haha!
FTR I do know queer women who have slept with men to get pregnant but the point is that it's really an inappropriate question and irrelevant to your son's care.
honestly, I DO know some "lesbians" that did it the uh, natural way with a known donor. I actually considered it myself before going the anonymous route. I have to admit though, I didn't go with the doctor who "knocked me up" with IUI as prenatal, since she was flabbergasted when I asked the question about whether I should simulate sexual activity before insemination to ready the cervix, or was that just for ICI. Her response "I hope not in MY office" the poor thing had no clue, but I read about it in all the books. Luckily it took the first try so I didn't have to deal with it later, but I felt pretty stupid bringing it up with that reaction.
People in general typically have asked me the nature of the pregnancy, knowing I'm single. In general, I find it nice that they at least ask, and don't run around supposing anything. I work with a lot of kids who have at times said things like, I didn't know you had a boyfriend, or whatever, and I always set them straight (in kid language of course) about how I bought some genes from a lab and made the kid myself. It's the parents who are like, oh, shush now we don't talk about that, etc. We really are part of a new generation of family, so I expect that people are going to take some head-scratching to understand everything. I find that if I'm open and friendly about their (sometimes totally ignorant) questions, i.e. "I can see where someone might wonder that", it gives them little reason to think I'm one of THOSE angry *****.
I'm glad you went back and explained things to her. I get the feeling that this Dr. is just naive about the topic and didn't really mean any harm. All we can do is just keep educating and hope that their questions are in good faith, no matter how shocked we are at the thought processes. That is the only way we can move forward in this society.