The "How-To" Thread

Here are my GD tips in very shortened form:

With babies or with any child where there is a safety issue:

Physically intervene Gently to prevent the child from doing something that she should not.

Use words to explain and guide but not to prevent

For example, when baby reaches for the stove you gently move them away and say "no touching that could hurt OUCH"

you never expect words to control the behavior of a baby or young toddler.

With a toddler when safety is not an issue:

Tell the child what you expect and why. If your words do not work to prevent unwanted behavior or to achieve desired behavior physically (gently) help the child to do so (e.g. tell your toddler to get in the car, explain why it needs to be done, if they don't phyically move them)

With an older child

Tell the child what you expect and why. Repeat once. Stand and wait for it to be done. If the child fails to do as asked state that expectations have failed to be met.

For example, you tell your child to clean up his toy cars because a baby is soon coming over. Child refuses. After first waiting for it to happen (with the demeanor of one waiting for a bus that is late), if it needs to happen do it yourself and state:

I"It was your job to clean up your toys. The baby could have been hurt by them so I had to do it when you refused. Next time I expect you to do it when I ask."

NO OTHER CONSEQUENCES. This is the 'strict' side of GD. Others can give you the more "consensual side"

Always make an effort to stay connected. Use infancy as an opportunity to learn about your child. Learning to read your child's cues, and respond to them, becomes a basis of trust and relationship that makes it easier to direct and give feedback later.

Empathize with a child who is preverbal. Help them learn about words to describe their feelings.

Help a preschooler learn to use words instead of acting out. Set your child up to succeed by ensuring that he is rested/fed properly before attempting something potentially stressful (errands, visits, playdates, etc.)

Listen to your child. Doesn't mean you have to "give in." But listening, really listening, and letting them know you have heard and understand goes a long way toward soliciting cooperation.

Be yourself, because your child will detect "phony" and disrespect you for it. But work on the parts of yourself that need to change.

Be aware of how much structure your child needs, and provide it.

Learn about child development and have reasonable expectations. But always have positive expectations. They live up to what is expected. Or down to it, as the case may be.

At all ages, reframe irritating or annoying behavior in the most positive terms possible, and ascribe benign motives whenever you can. Try to consider what developmental milestones your child is seeking to acheive by his/her behavior. Help them to acheive those milestones in other ways when their behavior is unproductive or too disruptive.

Try to relax.

Mom: In 10 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: In 5 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: Put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No! Don't wanna!
Mom: I need you to put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No!
Mom: I need you to start putting your toys in the bin by the time I count to three. 1......2......3. Okay, you obviously need help putting the toys in the bin, I'll show you how.

And she took my little hands and *helped* me pick up each and every toy. That was the last time *ever* that either parent got to 3. Yeah, it sounds like a threat, but it's really more of a 'this is important and while we normally like to give you more time, this needs to be done *now*' They also only started counting all of 10 times during my entire childhood and that's including the times for my little brother (only ever got to 3 once with him either).

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Wow! You were a gem of a child, is that where you get your username?

These are great posts. There's so much to cover, though. It's easy to summarize the reasons not to spank, but it's hard to list all of the different things that are done instead. But I would say that one of my big ones is prevention. I try to keep my children well rested and well fed. I try to respect their schedules and rhythms (I might even be a bit of a "nap Nazi").
Like Mamaduck said, I listen to their needs and desires, even if they're not getting met. I try to give them enough room to feel everything they need to feel. All this helps them feel more cooperative and willing to do what I ask of them when I ask it of them.

And then there's MY side of the prevention coin. I try to get enough breaks and have strategies for calming down. I try to keep things in perspective of what is age-appropriate and reasons for behavior. I try to stay well-fed and well-exercised (well-rested would be nice, but...) And then, I also have decided what I can and can't give on. There are some very consensual parents on here, but for me and mine, I couldn't take that. I am not a patient person by nature, and in order for GD to really work for us, I have to be able to get compliance out of my children when I really need it. I'm not willing (or, I believe able) to negotiate everything, so we have a more "authoritarian" structure in our family.

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Glad that works for some, but I guess I'd be on the more consensual side as I believe that children need to learn to obey authority. I don't think I could have that kind of an arrangement (where my DD could do whatever she really pleased when it came right down to it) and have a child that wasn't completely out of control. (Please don't take this as a personal criticism - just saying it wouldn't work for me).

I like a lot of the stuff in Dr Sear's Discipline Book. I know a lot of people have a problem with it because even tho he is anti-spanking he does tell how to do it if you insist on spanking - which kinda seems to a lot of people to not be 100% anti. But anyway, I think he does have a lot of good ideas in there - espec if you are for gentle discipline but also for children having some boundaries. I just read and take what I like and leave the rest.

Congrats for seeking to be such an informed mama so you can do what's best for your child!!!!!!!!!!

I'm known to ramble, so I'll try to make this as short as I can:

- Read up on appropriate development so you know basic guidelines of what is appropriate for your child at various stages.

- Get off your butt, consistently, from the very beginning....if you ask them to do or not do something, ask once (or twice) and then facilitate (not angrily, but calmly and gently) WITH them (other mamas have mentioned this above, and I believe it's KEY).

- Only offer options if you're really OK with every choice - don't try to "trick" them into doing what you want by giving them an awful second option.

- Try framing your requests as statements more than questions (happily say, "Time for your bath!" instead of "Are you ready to take a bath?")

- Tell them what TO do instead of what NOT to do ("Please keep your fork on the table" instead of "Don't drop your fork").

- Sympathize, empathize, and comfort when they aren't getting "their way", but then help them move on and learn to deal with minor disappointments.

- BABYPROOF! Get things up and out of the way as much as possible so that you have as much of a 'yes' environment as you can...it's a total drag to constantly be redirecting and distracting...believe me, you'll be doing it enough without having all sorts of tantalizing things laying about.

- Don't stifle their negative emotions. Help them learn how to express them in a way that won't hurt others, but don't make them feel that they're bad.

- Don't be afraid to get goofy with them.....a LOT. It's such a joy to be able to let go and be silly.

- Come to MDC with specific situations, and let the mamas here brainstorm with you!!

I'm sure I'm missing a lot, but I also know others here will pick those things up!

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Yes. Yes. Yes!!!! Learn YOUR triggers. Learn how to handle them. In fact, this goes back to the Natural Child Project. Jan Hunt has a "Declaration of Complete Confidence in Children" that I printed out when my oldest was about 18 months old (he's now 7!) and it STILL hangs on my fridge door.

Here is a "declaration of complete confidence in children":

Adult-like behavior matures by the time we are adults.

No expectations means no disappointments for us, and no damaging pressures for our children.

Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.

Trust... and wait.

Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child's sense of self.

Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be - he will never be this age again.

Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.

Celebrate your child's uniqueness as well as your own.

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Well what I will tell you is to try it. I am BIG on setting boundries. I do make the rules for young children. Though I will listen and consider their wishes. But I have the final say AND I expect my rules to be followed. I did not think it could be done this way with no real conequences. But it really can.

My dd's are very "obediant." Doing things this way and having expectations out there really can create obediant children if that is what you are going for.

The example I gave happened very seldom. What I found was that when children do not want to fail to meet expectations and that they do not just "do whatever they please" when those expectations are made clear to them.

For some this is too strict, for others it seems too leniant. I will say that in practice it is NOT leniant.

Not very many behaviors have to happen "Right this minute." You do not have to have such tight control over your children that they jump when you say jump.

In our house jumping is much easier if Mama is already jumping.

Even 6 year olds might be too young to jump in a room all by themselves.

However, if Mama says jump, before too long, everyone will be jumping. When Mama is well rested and kids are well rested, everyone will jump and laugh at the same time.

If some part of us is not feeling quite up to snuff, it's up to the rest of us to jump for that person.

If the person is too little to jump, we do not expect him/her to participate. If he/she wants to participate, a bigger person holds hands and helps that one jump, too.

Sometimes, little ones have to jump even when they REALLY do not want to. Then we might hold them to jump, we might cuddle them until they are ready to jump, we might make jumping a poop game (because my kids love ANYTHING related to poop), but ultimately, if they have to do it, they do.

Finally, on the rare occassion when they do indeed have to jump right this minute and just because I said so, I definitely get right beside them and help them jump just exactly how it has to happen.

(I do LOVE metaphors! I hope this hasn't been too tedious.)

I'm actually supposed to be working on putting together a "What is GD" stickie for the top of the forum (taken from Peggy O'Mara's Natural Family Living book). Thanks for the reminder

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me too thanks mama's

Please, please keep it coming! This is an awesome help for me too!