[quantumleap]

Whew, long title!
Hi, I'm Katia, and I'm in the middle of my midwifery degree in Canada. I am taking a much needed break from the academic side (ah! all the research and paper writing!) of school next year, and days after making that decision, dh and I found out that, statistically, it is impossible for us to have children. ART is still an option, and adoption was already a planned thing, but for the next several years we are uninsured, poor and in student debt, and living four hours away from the nearest fertility clinic. So, for the next several years, we will be childless and wishing that wasn't the case. All this to say, I need to learn how to be a midwife without feeling my heart ripped to pieces every time I see a pregnant woman, let alone interact with her! Right now, even being with/thinking of pregnant friends does an emotional number on me. And they are friends, I'm excited that they're having babies!
However, this is not supposed to be a pity party, basically, I'm looking for someone who has btdt with this. How do you focus on the bigger picture (midwifery, pregnancy and birth, babies are amazing) and not on the little picture (I don't get to have the pregnancy experience). What have you read, heard, or done that has helped you come to terms with infertility in this context? Have you even gotten to the point where midwifery is joyful again? Are you still practicing? Words of wisdom? Is this a situation where time heals? How do your clients perceive you? Are they even aware of the situation? What about co-workers?
One thing I have been feeling increasingly convicted of recently is the fact that infertility should not be so hidden and shameful. After our experiences, where we really feel alone and isolated (irl) and entirely ignorant, I am quite convinced that many people would benefit from increased awareness. At this point, *I* need a fertility mentor, but I know that, with time, I will have the knowledge and the resources to help someone navigate infertility. But, I have never even heard of such a person! How does this fit with midwifery? In Canada, we can't do well-woman care. I think part of these feelings is simply my own way of dealing with our diagnosis, so no action is planned as of now, but I don't see my feelings on this changing. Bring on the education!!
Ok, so that last paragraph was largely off topic, but I would really appreciate any experience, resources of wodrs of wisdom that any of you can pass along about infertility and being a practicing care provider (be you a doula, midwife, or any other sort!).
Thanks.
Katia

 

[memiles]

I've had great challenges with my fertility, but didn't start my birth work until after having my 2nd birth child (the third child to our family), so I don't think the emotions are nearly as raw as they would be if I had been doing this before I felt at peace with the size of my family. I can say that seeing pregnant, birthing, and postpartum mams on a regular basis has dulled the ache for more children somehow, but I don't know that would be the case if I didn't have children already.

An instructor in my doula training talked about the need for women to have doulas in many factors in our lives-she has actually helped clients as an infertillity doula. We talked about cancer doulas, divorce doulas.......I think as a midwife you could do amazing work helping women coping with infertillity approch if from a less medical mindset-so many women who need ART to conceive then assume their pregnacies are a train wreck waiting to happen, they cling to the "high risk, save me doctor" mentality. How healing would it be to work with those women to regain that trust in their bodies, to birth their babies with as little technology as possible?

I hope you are able to find peace and joy in your work somehow. I know that it would be a huge struggle for me, but I think the rewards in the end would be worth it. I would share your stories with those around you to the point you feel comfortable, if for no other reason that to open people's eyes that fertillity is a challenge for so many women. It won't be a discussion with every client, but talking about it with a select few might help.

 

[olive&pimiento]

Hi Katia
I am so sorry you are going through infertility. My husband I suffered for over three years, two of which I was in midwifery school, with unexplained infertility. It was the most heartbreaking time of my life, and even now, with a 5 week old daughter, I get choked up talking about it. I think that it was much more difficult for me to deal with my friends and families pregnancies than it was doing the clinical aspect of the midwifery program. For me, the actual miracle of birth always overcame the sadness of my own state, and I could not imagine doing anything else with my life. Of course, there were the clients who, unknowingly, said horrible things like "I think you should have to have a baby in order to be a midwife..." Ugh!!! But then we also had a lot of clients who overcame infertility themselves and were very inspiring.
I spent a lot of time on the resolve bulletin board (infertility support) and have wonderful preceptors who were very sensitive and supportive. With hindsight, I think it would have been a very good idea to have a therapist for the rougher periods.
I wish you the best of luck in your career and future. I would be happy to share a more indepth version of our story. This is my first post, and I don't know how to go about trading contact info, though.
Wishing you hope and peace,
Nicole