The line between "different" or spirited and "high functioning autism"

My son, almost 27 months old now, has had a couple of evaluations (one general developmental, another speech). We'll also be getting his hearing tested. He's also recently transitioned from in-home care (I've worked part time the last two years, as has his father, and we've had a part time nanny) to a wonderful day caring setting where he has adjusted really well.

I'm writing this message because I'm lost in a sea of conflicting emotions and information and I'm looking for some advice or perspective from those who have been there. I was conflicted about whether to post this message to toddlers or to this forum.

I've always been acutely aware that our son is different, especially in the way that he reacts to the world, ever since he was a baby. He was a pretty fussy baby and it often took enormous emotional and physical energy to keep him on just the edge of happiness, and he only slept well if he was being held or in our family bed. He really liked to be physically stimulated (champion and recreational nurser, physical games that involve being tossed into the air over and over)-- he is still like this. His physical development has always been on the early side-- he sat up early, walked early, and his fine motor skills are excellent. He is primarily a very sunny toddler and his transition into daycare (such a big change from being at home and having 1-1 care) has been great-- he separates pretty easily and is always happy to go there. His teachers report improvements in his social skills and cognitive development.

What makes him different: the big flag is that he doesn't speak at all, and that's what prompted his recent evaluations. He is "conversational" often, where he sees something that he's interested in and then makes a kind of bird-like, semi-vowel sound like "fwoop?". We'll repeat back to him, "dog" (or whatever it is) and he will say his little nonsense word again, and this might go back and forth a number of times. He also makes flapping gestures with his arms when he's really excited. He has a big, broad smile when pleased with himself or interacting with others, and his general social self makes it clear that he doesn't have any of the severe forms of autism. He rarely imitates his father or I, and he doesn't engage in imaginative play (like pretending to be a dog or anything). He does appear to be "in his own world" some of the time, absorbed in doing or watching something and it's hard to get his attention. He does have excellent focus when engaging in some of the activities he seems to really enjoy (ball drop toys, marble labyrinth toy). As his evaluators have noticed, he has an "unusual" interest in things that spin (or things that he can make spin), although I wouldn't consider him obsessive about that or anything else. He also likes to roll a ball back and forth or roll a car or truck back and forth between us. He understands pretty much everything we say to him and is largely quite easy to manage-- he pulls us by the hand and makes his needs well known without words. He's obviously smart and all of his teachers as well as the evaluators comment upon how well he can solve problems or figure things out. He's an extremely picky eater, although he will try and accept new foods.

So here's my dilemma and the reason for this rapidly lengthening post: you can take many of his behaviors (flapping, lack of language, lack of imitation, no imaginative play, "unusual" interest in spinning, being in his own world and sometimes uninterested in other children) as symptoms of high functioning autism. I think there is also a case to be made for children and people more broadly who have distinct and passionate interests from early on and who aren't really cookie cutter kids. I have read "Raising your spirited child" and he fits within the "spirited" category quite well, and some of the strategies that she suggests have been very useful in parenting him. He might simply be different and developing language and social skills in his own way. I'm wondering how to think about and approach this problem, both within my own head and with medical professionals: is it important that he be labeled as "autistic" (I think a sensory integration disorder is also possible, though I'm having trouble finding good information on it)? The other alternative, it seems to me, is to simply pursue speech therapy for him and be somewhat resistant to having him diagnosed (and possibly, misdiagnosed) as anything.

In my heart I am very conflicted-- part of my gut tells me that something's wrong because he just seems to be "stuck" in his language expression, even though it appears he is making attempts at saying words. And he is somewhat odd when compared to other children his age because he doesn't imitate them or fall naturally into a crowd. Sometimes I think his social behavior makes him appear more like another species-- he is gentle and cooperative, but seems to be pretty clueless about what is going on around him. But the other half of my gut tells me that I'm worrying for nothing, because his general behavior is definately *not* autistic-- while he is in his own little world some of the time, he's also very insistent about interaction with us and he seems very emotionally connected to us. I do understand that autism is on a spectrum, and I'm not trying to stereotype all autistic kids as the hand-banging, lack of eye contact, aggressive little creatures that are featured on TV. I don't want to be insensitive as a parent and want to be tuned in to his needs, and to get in his way of becoming who he is (which might simply be a more introverted, nerdy, march-to-a-different-drummer kind of guy).

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here-- some perspective from those who might have been where I'm at (or who are where I'm at), some resources (I'm overwhelmed by the amount of information out there on the web about autism and stumped about what books might be good reading), or just some sympathy. I feel heavy-hearted about this.

Karla
(and sorry for the length)