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I've been thinking about how best to get these ideas across, and here's my best attempt. Hoping that getting them 'out there' will help release them from my over-controlling mind so I can relax a bit...<br><br>
One of the ways I torture myself in this process is to continually count the months since my m/c, or my last due date and try to imagine life another way, as if the m/c didn't happen. My 2nd m/c due date was May 5th... and here I am, with no new baby to bring home and introduce to his/her older brother. I'm here wondering why I'm back at square one...<br><br>
But the way this also tortures me is how I know that this isn't necessary... and it will go away... as it did after my 1st m/c. I wasn't pg by that due date either, and was semi-obsessed about that and in fact became pg precisely one year after the first time, and my son's due date was only 2 days earlier than the m/c date. When Ryan was born, I forgot or chose not to remember all of the other stuff -- about timing and what ifs, etc. I still remember what happened and how it felt but not these thoughts. I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but I 100% believe that if we'd had that first child, that it wouldn't have been Ryan, and for that reason I wouldn't change a single thing because he's just so fantastic in every way.<br><br>
But why then, am I back here again counting months and keeping track of the time I've lost, when some part of me knows that these aren't the important things and that when we meet baby #2 these things won't matter at all?? I guess I hoped I'd be a bit wiser this time around, but it hasn't quite worked out that way (or at least not yet).<br><br>
I also struggle with trying to feel grateful for everything that we have, while also wanting something else (more?) -- in a second child. Right now I'm having trouble balancing these feelings... I don't want to dismiss what we have (which is great in so many ways) -- so is it fair to say that it's great but not good enough because we want something else?? Esp. worried that if this takes a while longer that I'll be missing out on some of today for wishes about tomorrow -- but can't we have both??<br><br>
Sorry for the novel and thanks for reading if you've made it to the end. I don't write in a journal, but maybe should start so I can get these things 'out' more regularly, otherwise my thoughts are a very crowded place to be these days...<br><br>
Best of luck to everyone -- and here's hoping we can all torture ourselves a bit less.
 

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I hear ya!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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