[mamatoady]

I knew that would get your attention. The *n* word I'm referring to is "no".

Ever since my dd (now almost 3) was born I fought seriously hard to not use "no"with her. When she was about 2 we started to use it occasionally. I still hesitate to use it. In trying to teach her things, Ifind myself using no freely when it doesn't really matter...like if she asks to go to the park and it's raining, "no honey not today, it's raining". But when she runs out into the street I yell "stop!" and of course she doesn't listen and when I get to her I tell her how dangerous it is and it scared mama.

I realize that more and more I don't use "no" when maybe I should. Or maybe I shouldn't? All the advice I get around here are from mainstream parents who constantly use the word no and would advise me to do the same. I'm still glad that we abolished the word from zero to 2, but what do you do after that? What do you do? I am terrified that my child will NEVER listen to me because I don't talk to her right. Does that make sense?

Help!
Sarah

 

[maya44]

I use "no" freely. I just find trying to avoid it silly and uneccssary. My kids never stopped listening because they heard the word "no" too much.

I think people here don't use it because they don't like to be told "no" themselves. For me the word is no big deal. I'd rather people just be direct.

That being said, if your dd ignores the word "stop" why do you think she wouldn't ignore the word "no' as well. In fact, in the situation you were in I think "stop" was a much better choice of words and had the best chance of getting her to do what you wanted, which was, in fact, stopping.

So it seems that its NOT your choice of words that is the problem but the natural and normal fact that many, many 2-3 y.o.'s simply are not going to be controlled by their parents words. For kids like this, action, GENTLE action is necessary. That includes hand holding (or more if she can squirm away from that) when you are anywhere near a street. Or picking her up, if she goes to close to something dangerous.

 

[VikingKvinna]

Yeah, I don't avoid saying "No," either. To me, the important part is that I don't say it lightly or cavalierly -- if I say it, I mean it, and I follow up if necessary (by taking away the forbidden object, stopping the behavior, etc.). The word loses its power, of course, when you say it, then a moment later "give in" and change your mind and say, "Oh, all right, go ahead" because the child begins to throw a fit, or because you don't feel like having the battle. I think tone of voice also contributes to whether or not the word is effective -- if you're just tossing it off distractedly, "Oh, no, honey, don't touch that" it might not get listened to. But if you stop what you're doing, get down to the child's level, look her/him in the eye and say, "No, honey. I don't want you to touch that because ________." It sends a message that this is serious business, that "No means no."

ITA that running into the street or other dangerous activities need more than a simple verbal command at this stage, especially since it doesn't sound effective.

Good luck!

~nick

 

[Embee]

Whenever possible, I use action over words. NO would be great if I had a guarentee that it would ensure his safety, but I'm not going to rely upon it if I see DS running toward the street. Too risky. From a purely developmental stand point, when kids are focused on something, we tend to fall off their radar--overload! Heck, when my DH is focused on something, I have to say his name 3 or 4 times before he hears me.

An example of a 'NOT so serious' matter: The other day, DS was bouncing a ball on a newly repotted plant in the backyard. He wasn't doing it consiously, but rather just one of those things people do when they're just not thinking about what they're doing. KWIM? At any rate, I've been tired lately and prone to "arm chair" parenting, even though I KNOW how completely ineffective it is.,This time however, I didn't say a word. I got up, walked over, lifted the ball gently while he was still holding it and directed it the other way. I find the less I talk, the more he *listens* and its always been this way. The more I make an issue of something, the more likely it is that I'll fuel the behavior rather than relieve it. Give him a physical reponse, and VOILA.

I do say NO, but honestly, its usually when I'm too tired or distracted to think of a better way to handle things, or meet the need. As for running into the street, I think NO or STOP just comes out instinctively, but what really matters is that we get there in time to physically stop them and then what is said, "I felt scared when you ran toward the street! Cars use the street and you could be seriously hurt!" And then big *I'm so glad you're not hurt* hugs! I choose giving information rather than just putting my foot down. The main thing with this one as with most safety issues however, is just that you're there. Your physical presence speaks volumes over words.

As for asking to go the park I do avoid no and say instead, "The weather is rotten today, so the park would be pretty soggy, but we could throw a blanket down and have a *floor picnic* and pretend we're at the park!" To which DS replies, "HEY YEAH!" Alternatives, positive solutions to everyday stuff. I believe/hope its helped DS understand that just because one opportunity isn't possible, it IS possible to find something to do instead that just as much fun (or more fun!). Most of the time, he's comes up with this stuff on his own now.

In the end, its whats effective thats more important than saying NO just on principle, kwim?

 

[saritabeth]

No is a normal part of life. That being said I think being gentle and hands on is the way to go, while also saying No. My 13 month old understands no....or not for ella, or stop, that hurt's baby. I always have to be physically involved to redirect, but that's because she is a baby. I think it is healthy and okay for there to be no's in a childs life. The world is full of em for all of us.

 

[Evergreen]

I completely undersatand why you don''t like the word 'no'. I try not to use it myself, barring examples like, "No, we can't go to the park today because it's raining."

It is the overuse of the word that gives it such a bad rap though. Like, take my neighbors for instance. THey sit on the porch and shout "no!" to their children every 45 seconds. They don't explain what the child is doing incorrectly, or why it shouldn't be done; don't let them know if their behavior is dangerous or destructive and certainly don't get up to redirect until it is time for a spanking. These are the cases where no is totally inappropriate and worthless.

I am also in agreement with maya44 that "Stop" is a better choice of words but if she doesn't listen to that she probably won't listen to no either.

There is nothing wrong with chosing more descriptive words instead of or even in addition to "no!" and given her age she would probably respond better to an explination of why sh can't touch the stove or walk into the street alone than to,"No!"

Good Luck!

 

[kavamamakava]

There's nothing wrong with the word no when used appropriately. I just cringe when I see moms directing their toddler with tons of NOs. When there are other ways to communicate that probably work better, there's no need for no. But, the other day, my son said "You should just say NO"

 

[Heffernhyphen]

My husband and I debate this issue ALL the time. To me, it seems like he walks around saying no (usually several nos in rapid succession: no no no no no no no) to ds all the time, for so many things I find unimportant. IMO, using the word too much takes away its power. If you tell him no all day over little crap, like touching the phone or taking the folded clothes off the chair, he'll tune out when we say it for something more pressing, like touching the wood stove.

It's funny, just the other day, as we were smack in the middle of this debate, ds walked over and started to pick up my iced coffee. Of course I burst out with, "No no no no no!" For some reason DH got quite a chuckle out of that one.

:

My advice, to you and dh, redirect as much as possible to avoid using the word. Save it for when it really matters, or for when you just can't contain it.

 

[TortelliniMama]

As PPs have said, I generally try to state what the appropriate alternative would be, since that gives more info and works better for us than no. I'm definitely not trying to avoid it entirely, though. But this

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen My husband and I debate this issue ALL the time. To me, it seems like he walks around saying no (usually several nos in rapid succession: no no no no no no no) to ds all the time, for so many things I find unimportant.

is exactly what I hear from others so often. This "no no no no no" seems to just drift over most kids, so they don't even seem to notice it at all, and it grates on my nerves. Drives me a little batty when I'm around someone who "no no no"s a lot.

It was funny one day at my parents' house. They tend to do it a bit. I've generally tried to just model more helpful language, and occasionally I've mentioned something like, "We've noticed that telling him what we'd prefer him to do works better than 'no'." Anyway, one day ds was doing something that my father wanted him to start, so he started with the "no no no." A few minutes later, ds started saying it. My parents laughed, but now sometimes if my mom starts with the no's, my father will remind her, "Remember? He'll just think it's a game and repeat it." So apparently ds's explanation of why it's not very effective was much more convincing than mine! :LOL

 

[mihran]

We use no. We don't avoid any words at our house. But as Evergreen mentioned, "no" by itself usually has no effect. How is a child to know what s/he is doing that is getting the "no"? For my dd, I usually first say, "Please don't do X." Then I say, "Don't do X" and if possible go down to her level to say it. Sometimes it just takes a "no", but it's only in situations where we recently talked about something she should not be doing. (For example: "Please don't take your clothes off. We are leaving in 5 minutes to go to the store." Then a minute later, when she's taking her shirt off, "No" would be enough for her to understand what I am saying no about. ) And if it's anything that could hurt her, I'll be really direct and say, "No, you are NOT to touch X!! That will hurt you."

I think that if a kid is heading for a street, it doesn't matter what words you use as long as you are trying to get them to stop heading that way, giving you a chance to catch up to them.

But, I am also a big believer in using as many Yeses as possible.

 

[velochic]

: Actually that was me replying in the post above. I was using my dh's computer and forgot that he has an MDC username. He just comes out here to look at posts that I draw his attention to... never posts, so that's why that was his first post. It's really mine.

Anyway, I asked dd today about using the word "no" (she's 3.5). I asked her what it means and she said, "Don't". We also didn't really start using the word until she could really understand what we were trying to say. But it seems that she does have a good grasp of its meaning. That's the point of using it, I think.

 

[Starflower]

I like what Embee and Evergreen wrote.

My DD is super independent and doesn't tolerate being redirected physically very much so we use a combination of words and actions. Most of the time I think I do pretty well.

I am trying to help my DH get in the habit of being more active in redirecting. He tends to just take away something and not give an alternative or sit on his rear end and say 'no'. Neither of these work at all.

DD will take some verbal directions. Usually, I guess I end up counting slowly to three. If I get to three, I gently/physically remove her from the situation while I explain why we don't do (fill in inappropriate or unsafe behavior here). I might use "no" during the explanation. She definitely knows what "no" means because she uses it herself very appropriately.

I definitely try to make a point of saying "yes" as often as possible, like when she asks "Mommy?" I say "Yes, Amelie?" I think it helps affirm that she is valued and I am listening to her.

I agree with the PP's that mentioned giving alternatives without using "no" in situations like bad weather and the park or what-not. If I say "no" right of the bat, I tend to set myself up for more of a confrontational interaction with DD than if I just say something like "it's too wet to use the slide today, let's play downstairs on your indoor slide until the weather is drier."