The Napping House

OK, just for illustration, I'll say it is right now a quarter after 7. he got up from his nap almost on schedule at 6:35 -- complaining that my son and I were too noisy while he was napping, and didn't matter he was trying to rest. My son and I were playing, listening to music, pretending to be in a band, and chasing each other with random yards of fabric and stuffed animals.

He is now on to his next predictable activity -- laying on the bed with the laptop. I have poked my head in there twice, once to make myself seen and once to make a suggestion that we do something. He isn't feeling well right now. I popped on the computer, and my son would like someone to play with. I told him to go talk to the hubby Hubby shoos him out to the livingroom, so I call out, "Wanna play with the kidlet for a while before I start thinking about dinner?" He doesn't feel well. This is typical, though the answer varies from "I didn't sleep well last night" to "I had tough day at work today" (he works from home, at a computer) or "I'm still recuperating from the last big project you asked me to do."

If I make a fuss, he'll bring up how I get to relax all day because I am a mostly sahm, and he doesn't complain that I don't do enough, so why am I bugging him.

I'm cranky. pregnant cranky is worse than normal cranky.

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Yep. I used to sleep wacky hours back when I was single & living alone, but doing it while married with a child and another on the way? Get real! :

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That is BS. Let me guess - the "not feeling well" always seems to conveniently coincide with him being asked to do something he doesn't want to do.

I would not be happy about this situation either. He's taking his leisure time at your expense, and that's not fair. He needs to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and be there to help out in the evenings.

If he thinks that being a SAHM is one long holiday, then he needs a wake-up call. I would be tempted to leave for the weekend and let him see how much relaxing he does when he's being the primary parent.

wow i would be flaming mad! lol
i am thinking he needs the nap because he isn't getting enough total sleep time at night. if he went to bed at 10, then he would get those 8 hours in a row. i guess what would chap my butt, is that the whole evening schedule is based on his needs/nap, etc. you may not eat so late if he was up and about. so if he went to bed early then you would eat early and be able to do your evening stuff before 10 pm.
i also 3rd the suggestion of him seeing a doctor and keeping the log. i can't imagine what you have him do once a month that it takes him 30 days to recover from. i could see a big weekend long project meaning monday you need a nap, but a month? no way. doesn't compute! does he do on-line gaming? could he be addicted to that?
i feel bad for your LO having daddy not play with him in the evenings.

h

To be honest, we've been arguing about this for a while (and I loathe arguing). if I bring up exactly how long he's been napping or relaxing, he gets very defensive and upset. One time I said (and I quote), "Wow. I didn't realize you needed so much downtime!" he has brought these words back to me time and time again, saying just how hurtful they were. I wasn't trying to be hurtful when I said them; I literally had no idea he needed so much downtime. He has told me on more than one occasion that I must really, really hate to see a man relaxing because I act peevish if he "sits down for five minutes." I would have no problem with him sitting down for 5 minutes. I start to get agitated after he's been sitting on his rear for hours, day after day.

In fact, he hurt his back this week because he sat at the computer all day for work, came down on his lunch break and goofed on the computer for an hour, and then came down after work and sat at the computer desk for another 4 hours, after a weekend of doing pretty much the same. I had warned him that sitting like that for a prolonged time would make his muscles protest, but he thought I was just getting on him. Well, now his back muscles are all cranky, so he doesn't want to do anything around the house because he is sore.

I've talked to him about my fears and concerns about after the baby is born, and he gets offended saying I have no faith in him. He also says I clearly wanted a type of guy who would do everything for me. I think these are unfair statements, personally. I know he lacks a bit of emotional maturity (I knew that going into the relationship, so I can't really complain too much about it), but it really rubs me the wrong way when he says I make him feel guilty when he sees me working/cleaning/parenting while he is relaxing -- as if I am just doing it to make him feel bad or something.

And I will be the first to admit, I am no work-a-holic. I take a lot of pride in my home, so I do keep it very tidy. But in all honesty, I can do a lot very quickly, and I finish meaningful portions before stopping. So, in theory, I can tidy the living room, vacuum, and dust in a little under an hour. When I'm done, I can come on MDC or email my friends or read up on something I'm interested in for a while. When the kidlet is amusing himself, I take moments for myself. When the kidlet needs some attention, we tidy or cook or play or read together. To me, it is all a balance of getting the necessities done and then relaxing when the chores are completed. And I do get "downtime" as a sahm, though I do have a very spirited child who can drain me quickly with his high needs.

And I will say, in hubby's defense, that he has had to come a long way in our relationship. he had to get used to having a small child around while we were dating and then becoming a step-parent when we married. He had to quit smoking. He had to go from being only completely responsible for his own needs and wants to being responsible for a whole family, both financially and emotionally, which means giving up a lot of the luxuries he was used to providing for himself. I think the problem stems from the fact that he believes that since he has made all these "sacrifices" he now doesn't need to do "anything else."

After typing out my post last night, I cooked dinner. At dinner, he said that he could tell i was "in a bad mood" and wanted to know what he did this time. I felt bad that I must seem just so crabby to him. I made one remark that, honestly, it was the end of my day and I was tired because I didn't get a 2 hour nap. After dinner, he wanted to know why I wasn't very talkative, and I told him I had been feeling friendly and talkative from about 5:30-7:30, and he wasn't around. The kidlet was particularly high needs last night, so my evening was spent with a pouty husband and a screaming kid.

And then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood every evening.

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Yep.

I would love to be able to stay up late and do whatever I want but I don't because I need to function during the day and evening.

The level of napping and relaxing you describe is not normal and not ok for someone who has a family.

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Sweetie, he is gaslighting you so badly. Every time you bring up a legitimate issue about his lack of adult participation in your family unit, he flim flams, manipulates and guilt trips you until YOU feel bad for "asking too much of him" and expressing yourself. I'm so angry on your behalf!

I think you need to do two things first - put together a reasonable wish list of what his participation in your (and by "your" I mean "his and your") family needs to be, so all parties are pulling their own weight in terms of homecare, childcare, etc., and getting reasonable amounts of personal time and relaxation; then, you need to do some self examination to determine why you let yourself be so easily derailed when it comes to expressing your issues and pushing for a solution. Are you generally an insecure person? Do you consider yourself unworthy of good treatment? Do you feel "lucky" to have him for some reason? Are you afraid to be without him for some reason? I'm not saying you need to post on this board what your feelings are, but in order to move this forward, I think you need to identify why his standard responses can make you shrink away so easily.

After you figure these things out, you can approach him with your wishlist, and when he starts with the mindgames, you can give yourself peptalks so you don't back down. Maybe if you successfully push past a certain point in his defense, and he sees a new strength in you, you can make some headway.

As for your reference to his "downtime" being "hurtful" - puh-leeeeze. How about how hurtful it is to you that he has so little respect for you that he clearly believes you are not worthy of the same "downtime, "relaxation," personal time and nap schedule that he reserves for himself? Of course he becomes angry and defensive when you bring these things up - you're threatening his verrrry comfortable status quo.

I hope I don't make you angry or upset with these comments. I'm sure you deserve much better than this selfish person you find yourself saddled with, whether better comes in the form of getting him to change, or perhaps leaving him behind.

Jane