To be honest, we've been arguing about this for a while (and I loathe arguing). if I bring up exactly how long he's been napping or relaxing, he gets very defensive and upset. One time I said (and I quote), "Wow. I didn't realize you needed so much downtime
!" he has brought these words back to me time and time again, saying just how hurtful they were. I wasn't trying to be hurtful when I said them; I literally had no idea he needed so much downtime. He has told me on more than one occasion that I must really, really hate to see a man relaxing because I act peevish if he "sits down for five minutes." I would have no problem with him sitting down for 5 minutes. I start to get agitated after he's been sitting on his rear for hours, day after day.
In fact, he hurt his back this week because he sat at the computer all day for work, came down on his lunch break and goofed on the computer for an hour, and then came down after work and sat at the computer desk for another 4 hours, after a weekend of doing pretty much the same. I had warned him that sitting like that for a prolonged time would make his muscles protest, but he thought I was just getting on him. Well, now his back muscles are all cranky, so he doesn't want to do anything around the house because he is sore.
I've talked to him about my fears and concerns about after the baby is born, and he gets offended saying I have no faith in him. He also says I clearly wanted a type of guy who would do everything for me. I think these are unfair statements, personally. I know he lacks a bit of emotional maturity (I knew that going into the relationship, so I can't really complain too much about it), but it really rubs me the wrong way when he says I make
him feel guilty when he sees me working/cleaning/parenting while he is relaxing -- as if I am just doing it to make him feel bad or something.
And I will be the first to admit, I am no
work-a-holic. I take a lot of pride in my home, so I do keep it very tidy. But in all honesty, I can do a lot very quickly, and I finish meaningful portions before stopping. So, in theory, I can tidy the living room, vacuum, and dust in a little under an hour. When I'm done, I can come on MDC or email my friends or read up on something I'm interested in for a while. When the kidlet is amusing himself, I take moments for myself. When the kidlet needs some attention, we tidy or cook or play or read together
. To me, it is all a balance of getting the necessities done and then relaxing when the chores are completed. And I do get "downtime" as a sahm, though I do have a very spirited child who can drain me quickly with his high needs.
And I will say, in hubby's defense, that he has had to come a long way in our relationship. he had to get used to having a small child around while we were dating and then becoming a step-parent when we married. He had to quit smoking. He had to go from being only completely responsible for his own needs and wants to being responsible for a whole family, both financially and emotionally, which means giving up a lot of the luxuries he was used to providing for himself. I think the problem stems from the fact that he believes that since he has made all these "sacrifices" he now doesn't need to do "anything else."
After typing out my post last night, I cooked dinner. At dinner, he said that he could tell i was "in a bad mood" and wanted to know what he did this time. I felt bad that I must seem just so crabby to him. I made one remark that, honestly, it was the end of my day and I was tired because I didn't get a 2 hour nap. After dinner, he wanted to know why I wasn't very talkative, and I told him I had been feeling friendly and talkative from about 5:30-7:30, and he wasn't around. The kidlet was particularly high needs last night, so my evening was spent with a pouty husband and a screaming kid.
And then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood every evening.