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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know a lot of couples go through this...I'm hoping some of you wise BDTD mamas have some advice, because this problem is really cutting deep for DH and I, and I'm so tired of feeling sad all the time.<br><br>
I'm a first-time SAHM with a pretty high-needs baby who also *hates* the car. I know I don't get out enough and that it's contributing to the problem. Unfortunately we live in a pretty isolated spot...30 min drive at least to most anything interesting. Due to plantar fasciitis (from carring babe around) I can't really even get out and take walks anymore, which is something that always kept me sane.<br><br>
The crux of our problem is that I feel resentful of DH for having time to himself. He is not working at the moment (one of the down times in the carpentry trade). We're ok financially, so that itsn't the issue, although I'm sure he feels somewhat stressed anyway about not bringing home a paycheck. Granted, he is here a lot and hangs out with baby and myself, but he still gets out each day to do his own thing (usually sports-related). Plus he has all the time in the evening when I'm getting DD to bed to relax and watch TV or whatever.<br><br>
I get hardly ANY time for me, as DD is a terrible napper. I'm lucky to get an hour on a good day (which is why I actually have time to write this finally). Sometimes DH wil take DD out for a walk in the evening, but I'm busy getting dinner together then or cleaning up the kitchen. We have no family around, and no friends that have time enough to come help watch DD at all.<br><br>
I know this is pretty typical new-parent stuff, but how do you get past it? DH feels that he gives *a lot*, and is bitter that I still want more of him. I'm bitter that I get no time for myself and that he doesn't get it. He argues that if he tries to take DD alone she always ends up fussy, wanting me. Which is true! But do they just need to figure that out for themselves? Do I just force them to go it alone and hope that eventually they find their own rhythm? It doesn't help that I have a friend whose husband is constantly off at soccer tournaments out-of-town or camping with friends (they have a baby the same age as DD)--oh, and doesn't change any diapers. DH is envious. He thinks I'm lucky to have the help I do and that I'm way too demanding! And I don't see it that way.<br><br>
We are really suffering from all of the resentment and bitterness. Our sex life is nil--I have nothing to give by the end of the day, plus I feel pretty unloved and unspecial to DH, which does not help me "get in the mood". DH feeld unloved <i>because</i> of no sex. Aargh!<br><br>
Our communication is terrible; we argue over little things and can never see eye-to-eye. He acknowledges that he's mean to me every day...I'm sure I'm a royal b1tch at times too.<br><br>
Sorry this is so rambly--I'm overwhelmed and sad. Just don't know how to get past this or how to work on it. We have been battling this since day one with our new baby, who is not so new now!<br><br>
I know I tend to take things too personally, which also doesn't help. Just to illustrate a typical interaction between us: his response to me telling him I felt unapprecialted was, "Well, you've been a real b1tch lately". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
He feels trapped by marriage and parenthood, and will say things in the heat of the moment like "welcome to marriage" with a cynical tone.<br><br>
Where do we start? I'm so tired of being sad.
 

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Let him take her. They will work it out.<br><br>
I really feel for you, and I have BTDT. My DH and I were both unemployed for the first year of our DD's life. You would think this would have meant we both had enough time for ourselves. NOT!!! My DH had tons more time. My DD was much like yours: hated the car, didn't nap well, and definitely preferred me.<br><br>
Then, when she was 12 months, we reached a financial crisis and it was clear that one of us *had* to get a job. I got a good offer, and suddenly we were looking at DH being a SAHD. He was a little terrified, as I think the longest he had been alone with DD was about 1 1/2 hours, and that was only once or twice.<br><br>
We ramped it up over a period of weeks, but by the time she was 13 months old she was spending up to 4 hours with him at a time. And she was happy! And he was too! He needed to get his confidence up, and DD needed to feel comfortable with him. It all worked out.<br><br>
So, if your DH is not working right now, you need to take time for yourself. Not just 30 minutes, while you are in the house and can hear your DD getting fussy. I swear, they KNOW if you are still in the house and will not settle for anyone but mama. Go out. Get some exercise. The fact that he is getting exercise every day and you are not probably has a lot to do with him feeling more balanced. You need that, too.<br><br>
My dad is in construction, so I know it's kind of a macho field. But you have to let your DH know that you are not asking this of him to make him less of a man. He needs to do this to support his wife. If he doesn't want to, then tell him that you'll find a babysitter. (whether or not you will)<br><br>
Other than that, I offer you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s. I still feel this way from time to time, and our DD is 5 1/2. I think it will be one of those ongoing issues in our marriage, that never fully goes away. The best solution I have come up with is to tell my DH what I need. He's a terrible mind-reader. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
~Diane
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
OK, one thing at a time. Are you treating the plantar fasciitis? I had to google it to be sure what it is, and one of the first sites that came up did talk about treatment options, including stretching exercises to do at home. But, dang! That's enough to make anyone crabby.<br><br>
Your dh feels he gives "a lot." What does he do, regularly? What kinds of things do you ask him to do? When I look at your description of your evenings and the lack of intimacy, one thing that crosses my mind is that if your dh took care of the dishes while you get dd to bed, then you'd have some time to reconnect. Start small. Snuggle on the sofa watching TV. Acknowledge that it's no fun not having a sex life--validate his feelings, in other words.<br><br>
Yes, dads and babies just have to figure it out for themselves. It usually works best if you're out of the house, particularly if your dd is still breastfeeding. What you might try is to look around and see if there's something you can do outside the house on a regular basis--a book club maybe, that meets in the evening or on a weekend afternoon. It will help you in that you'd be getting some time away and would help your dh in that he'd get to start connecting with his daughter on his own terms.<br><br>
And speaking of breastfeeding, it *can* really affect your libido. The hormone thing can mean that it takes longer to get "in the mood." It made dh and I feel better about the way things were going when we realized that it wasn't all about how we <b>feel</b> about each other, but that there were other forces at work. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">:<br><br>
As for argueing about little things. I know that some couples will go to the mat on how the dishwasher is loaded, how the dish cloths are folded; you know, stuff that can legitimately be done 16 different ways. To me, it's just not worth it. There are an awful lot of things that you can just let go...<br><br>
ETA - Oh, and I forgot, the crockpot is your friend. I never in a million years thought that I'd love crockpots, but I do, particularly when school starts and I'm wohm again. If meal preparation is eating into time you'd have to yourself, then simplify the meal prep. If I had a big enough freezer, I'd be doing what my grandmother used to and make multiple lasagnas, freeze cinnamon rolls, etc. In a perfect world, all dhs would also cook. Mine does. But he's very <span style="text-decoration:underline;">methodical</span> about it, so you have to make sure you have a snack late in the afternoon. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Usually, I just do it, because I get hungry.
 

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I don't have too much advice because I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you so <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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wholesale or retail "I can;t leave my baby with the father because he get too fussy". How is any men can learn ho to take care of the a baby? By taking care of the baby.<br>
I had high need son....but i am high need adult. And one thing I learned about myself, that if I do not get certain amount of time to myself , I go insane, and then I am not good to anyone. So, I would nurse the baby, give the sling or baby carrier to the DH and send them on their way...park, street, MArs...I did not really care. I had an hour or 2 to myself and then I was not resentful. And what it did, as well, it made ,my husband a very confident loving father. I never was and never am about leaving my sons with my DH for any length of time.<br>
My kids are also his, 505 of DNA is from him....so he can figure out what make them tick. I alway felt the only thing DH could not do was breastfeeding,m but he could feed the be while I was taking classes in college.<br>
I know someone will yell at me here for this suggestion, but....you are hurting. You foot is damaged....and as wonderful as it is to carry your baby, I think if it creating physical damage to you body, you might want to consider a stroller. You can get a jogging stroller, so baby faces forward and can look around, or you can get regular stroller , so baby faces you. So, get a good sturdy stroller with good wheels. This way it can provide a bit of support and you can walk, slowly but walk outside. Exposure to fresh air and son make moms happier and babies sleep better. And as soon as you foot heal, you can go back to the sling outside.<br>
HAve you gone to the doctor yet?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the words of wisdom.<br>
Yes, I am treating the plantar fasciitis and have been to a couple different foot doctors. It is a very long recovery (12 months?) and I really can't even walk much on it, even if I use the jogging stroller for baby. So, I'm going to have to find other ways of getting fresh air and some exercise--hard for someone whose favorite form of exercise has always been hiking and running!<br><br>
I want to add that DH is the hardest worker I've known when he is working. When not at his job, he's usually here at our home working on carpentry projects, spliiting & stacking firewood for next season, etc. He has been at my beck and call while here working most times (taking a break so I can shower, etc), which is partly why he feels he does *a lot*. The thing is, when he takes a break so I can do a few things, they're always things like shower, cook, etc--never sitting on my a$$ eating bon bons!<br><br>
I think it's time for me to leave them to do their own thing for a few hours. Except it might have to wait a bit because DD is tething big time and wanting to nurse constantly...<br><br>
claras_mom, to answer your question of what he does: tidys house a bit, laundry, changes diapers, projects around the property like building shelves in the garage, etc. He's a real busybody usually--this thing about him taking time for sports is recent. He's a really hard worker and sees most other people as lazy in comparison (including me).<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> to you also, Papai
 

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everyone has given you great ideas for your DH and DD, but I can help a bit with your feet. Get yourself some Crocs. Seriously. I've had plantar fascitis since 1997 with 1/2" heel spurs on both sides and only had relief during my pregnancies until last year when I got a pair of Crocs. I have had NO pain in a year and nothing else has changed. Not being able to walk was horrible, it effected everything in my life when I was in constant pain. It is a different world since I got those shoes.
 

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It sounds as if the best way to get the down time is to schedule something away from the house. I think that when everyone's a little happier and more centered, then a lot of the other problems will take care of themselves. Big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s to <b>all</b> of you.<br><br>
(Cooking doesn't count as a break.)
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama, I can very much relate <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I was just going to say to wait it out for a few months, but then I noticed that your dd is one year old, right?<br><br>
I would definitely get out of the house for a while. A few hours even. They can handle it, and I really, truly believe that it's good for babies, especially older babies, to know that other people can care for them, too. And it'll boost your dh's confidence.<br><br>
As far as the sex goes, maybe you guys could schedule it once a week? And then you could spend the whole day revving yourself up for it? Or talking yourself into it?<br><br>
Have fun!
 

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Seriously, take a knitting class or a yoga class- something for you. Just make the choice to have free time. I find that having things scheduled away makes it less negotiable- you deserve some time to yourself and it will help recharge you for the times you are "on". I totally get caught up in the "I do it all" mentality but if I really just stop and think, I have the power to change that- He'll get the hang of caring for the babe. Take time for yourself.
 

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I can relate too. I have found that the only way to get "me time" is to tell DH that I am going to XYZ and he needs to be there to take care of the baby while I go. Some DHs just don't get it and you need to take matters into your own hands. YOU need to take care of YOU, the same way your DH takes care of himself and makes sure he gets out for fun.<br><br>
I still get resentful of DH at times and he gets resentful of me but we try to talk about it and help each other out.
 

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dude word to the crocs. those are about the only things I can wear now. i have had plantar for about 3 years now!! *due to carrying ds down the british cobblestones for miles*. I felt the same way too as you do. I finally got the job, left dh to be a sahd and they worked it out. it was so much better for both of us. You will get through this, these mamas have given you lots of great advice!
 

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DD is 2 and it is better now, but I was in a really similar place, right down to DH leaving his job and being home with me.<br><br>
Here's something--I didn't realize how down he was about not having a job until he went back. It was a huge, huge change once he went back to work. I just didn't realize how depressed he had been--it's like I had forgotten what a charming son of gun he could be!<br><br>
We fell into a bad habit of tit for tat, where we were always handing off the baby so one of us could do something, but we weren't spending time all together. So, I started being really conscious of scheduling our weekends so that we had some kind of "family" activity to do. Even all going to Home Depot together--you can take your baby there! It is easier for them to be home, but that was an adjustment for us. Also, very womans magazine advice, but date night--doing things just the two of you, even once a month. YOu need to reconnect and it takes time and that can be tough.<br><br>
DH is very good at pursuing his own interests, sports and music, and 0000I was working out of the home and really wanted to spend every free minute with DD. Consequently, I was getting no "me" time aside from work. Work is not me time. After almost losing my sanity, I started going to a yoga class every Sunday at 9:30. Sometimes I bagged out and just went to a diner or the bookstore, but I got out of the house and just cleared my head for a bit. Having it on the schedule really helped. It was just a given that I would be out.<br><br>
It took us a long time to get back to <i>the sexy</i> but you are absolutely right that lack of desire ties right in to the martyr thing. It does sound like your husband does a lot, but it also sounds like he could be more supportive and buck up a bit! And maybe you can reach deep and try to be sweet. I read somewhere that foreplay actually needs to start a few days in advance. It's not get in bed and get in the mood, it's treating someone like you love them all day long. Maybe that is something that you can talk about--not how he treats you, but how you could treat each other in a more loving manner so that you can get to a happier place in your marriage?<br><br>
I hope your foot feels better. And if it helps, I think my husband and I are both happier now than we were last year, but it was certainly a process.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to the OP... I've got a 4 wk old and I was just coming in here to post about how I feel like a different person since he was born, yet my hubby seems to feel like the same person with a new challenge. I read your post and I identify with it so much!<br><br>
I think there's a fundamental shift for women when we give birth. We still want time for ourselves but it becomes next to impossible to put our own needs ahead of the baby or the domestic tasks that support a decent living environment for the family. Whereas with men, perhaps it's more about a new wonderful presence in their life, but their whole chemistry doesn't change around that. Looking at it from inside the hormonal fog, it can seem like DH isn't doing or giving much, even when he totally is trying as hard as he knows how to. I dunno, I'm pretty short on sleep right now so maybe I'm not making sense.<br><br>
I guess it just seems like no matter how much DH does to help out (and he really DOES do an astounding amount, I am very lucky), still it feels like I am the one who has given more and will continue to give more. And that makes it really easy to resent DH and at times even resent my little baby. But there has to be another mindset ... I just need to find it. I don't want to be a resentful mommy and wife!
 

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SCHEDULE time for you to do your thing. 3x a week. or more if you can handle it. I found with dh that if I've got something scheduled, then it's OK. If I asked him to take over at a moment's notice, he got crabby.<br><br>
Don't put it off because ds is teething and wants to nurse. Dad can handle that. He can give him wet washcloths. He can walk with him. Why should you get all the fun? Babies teeth for a full year or more. You cannot go on like this.<br><br>
Can you swim? That might meet your need for exercise. Bike?
 

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some babies teeth for a very loing time<br>
And I actually found that warm breat was not taht comfroting, what my baby wanted was something cold. So we kept teether ins the freezere and washcloth....and I think there was remedy called Hyland tablets
 

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no time to write but wanted you to know that we went and still sometimes go through the same things-it's super hard but it does get better. in our case it took the better part of a year, there is still room for improvement and sometimes i just want to scream that he needs to grow up!!!! i think it takes dads a lot longer to adjust because they have the luxury of doing it on their own time instead of having to adjust life permanently the minute you see a + sign on the test!
 
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